With Apologies to MacRaith, Pt 10
Péter's Hut
1939 AD
"I no understand, Inspectair," shrugged Péter.
"Are you questioning ze legality and moral basis of zis Inquisition?" roared Nespafransay with an angry grin.
"Oh, no, no! Am understanding the reasons for Inquisition! Inquisition all fine and good! Proud church tradition! Am happy to be Inquisition! It just that I not sure if you doing Inquisition properly. Am just being concerned, is all."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you tied me to rack, which is good. But is dish rack you took from kitchen! And while you are being getting all the stuffing on one end of cushion for maximum effectiveness, maximum effectiveness of poking with cushion for torturing not very good, no?"
"Well, eet was not my idea!" protested Nespafransay. "Eet was ze town bishop's idea, eesn't zat right, town bishop?"
The town bishop did not respond, but instead stared at Péter silently, blinking once in a while.
"See?"
"Well, if it town bishop's idea, Péter will not argue. Am being sure he knows best! Maybe Inquisition was less torture than I was being thought."
Nespafransay leered. Then, he cupped a hand to his ear, as if listening for something.
"Wait.. what's zat? What is eet zat you say, town bishop?"
The town bishop was not saying anything.
"Oui, oui, zat is right... We will need to bring out ze most torturous torture deevice evair! We shall bring out... ze comfy chair!"
And with that, Nespafransay produced a very comfortable-looking chair and set it in front of him.
"Now, sit!"
. Péter did so easily, for while his arms were locked behind him, tied to the dish-drying rack that was flat against his spine, his legs were completely free to move.
"Yes, it very comfortable. But I still no understand. This chair very comfortable, not torturous..."
"Fyuel! Do you not under-"
"Wait, what?"
"I said, do you not under-"
"No, before!"
"I said 'Fyuel!'"
"Yes, that is being it. I cannot being understand your accent."
"I just said- Look, nevair mind! And you 'ave an accent, too!"
"It no accent! It speech impediment! Makes speech pattern Slavic. And I still no understand how comfy chair is torture."
"Fyu- I mean, imbecile! Do you not understand?"
"No, I not under-"
"Eet was un rhetorical question! Ze chair is torture because eet is so comfy! Een fact, so comfortable is zis chair, zat once you are off of eet, you will nevair be so comfortable for ze rest of your entire life! Evairy 'our of evairy day, you will be tortured by ze very state of regulair comfort, for so used were you to ze comforts of ze comfy chair! Eet is a torture lasting for a lifetime! Ze greatest torture of all!"
"Oh!" Péter nodded in understanding. "Wait, I still no understand."
Nespafransay was about to scream in frustration when bursting through the door was a boy in his mid-teens, leading the Emperor, Heruy Welde Sellase, and the Semi-Lobster behind him.
"Father, this Emperor-person and his friends want to see you and-"
The boy was cut off by the strange sight of the Inquisition of his father.
"Father?"
"Oh, hello there József. I am being Inquisition!"
"Inquisition? Who authorized this?" the son demanded angrily.
Nespafransay cackled. "Why,. ze town bishop, of course! Isn't zat right?"
The town bishop said nothing. The town bishop blinked twice.
"I always knew that town bishop would turn out to be evil.." the boy muttered.
"Wait, what is going on here?" barged in the Emperor. "An Inquisition?"
"Oui! Un Catholic Inquisition zat no true and faithful Catholic will 'ave to fear!... You are Catholic, right?"
"Yes," the boy affirmed immediately.
"Well... um... not really..."
"Quoi!?" Nespafrnasay stepped angrily towards the Emperor, his eyes gleaming red.
"Hey, I'm the Emperor of Ethiopia! You should expect me to be a faithful member of the Ethiopian Orthodox Tewahido Church!"
"So you are telling me zat you are un schismatic!?"
"Schismatic?" Haile sweated. "Come on! I'm pretty sure our churches are similar enough so that this future possible Inquisition of myself will be called off!"
"Really?" Nespafransay rubbed his chin, skeptical. "Tell me about eet."
"Well, uh... You're kind of putting me on the spot here..."
"Tell me about eet!"
"Well, uh, okay then... Uh... We love Jesus! Isn't that right, Heruy?"
"I suppose it could be put that way, yes..."
"And Mary, too! And none of that Protestant diminishing of the Holy Mother, either!"
"Of course-"
"And saints! Why, we have saints coming out of our ears! And we do the whole intercession thing, and dedicate churches to them, all that stuff!"
Nespafransay nodded.
"And what is your church's position on ze theological ramifications of ze Council of Chalcedon?"
"Actually, we reject the Council of Chalcedon, and Pope Leo's decree that in Christ are two natures united, inconvertible and inseparable, and instead believe in a complete, natural union of Divine and Human natures, and-"
"Ha! You fell for eet!" Nespafransay gestured dramatically with cushion in hand. "Zese trivial differences on ze nature of Christ are irreconcilable between our two Churches!"
"Ack! I can't believe you got me with- Wait a second, you're a Frenchman!"
"Uh... Non, I em not?..."
Haile suddenly remembered more....
"And your eyes are glowing red! Are you... are you a werewolf as well?"
"Oh, no. I am werewolf," Péter admitted from the back of the room, still tied to the rack.. "Sometimes, every full moon, I go out and kill and eat somebody in brutal fashion. Usually traveller, from far away place, like Ethiopia, so that no one miss them." He shrugged. "It just one of those things, you know?"
"Enough of zis fyuelishness! I must Inquisition ze schismatic in accordance to ze wishes of ze Bishiop!"
"Wait, you know that your bishop is a fish, right?"
"Quoi!?" Nespafransay paled to Haile's remark. "Non, non! Zat is fyuelishness et nonsense! Why would you evair say such a fyuelish zing?"
"No, seriously, he's a fish! Look!"
The bishop blinked, and swam around a little in his little bowl, staring blankly all the while.
"I see no fish! I see only un bishop!"
"You... you just placed a fishbowl with a fish on a rolling stand, and draped it in a bishop's robes, so that you could go around doing anything without the townsfolk taking action because they would think that it was the wishes of the Church, right?"
"I 'ave no idea what you are talking about. And I must say zat ze bishop is quite offended by your callous remarks."
"Alright, then. What's the bishop's name?"
"Why, of course! 'is name is... Bishop.... Gold.......fish.?..."
"Ha!" Haile yelled, and Nespafransay's face drooped, for he knew he was defeated.
"I may be defeated for now, but I em not completely defeated! Now I must be avez!"
And with that, he did go, with the bishop-fish-on-a-stand in tow, and József quickly rushed to his father's side and freed him from the dish drying rack.
"Boy, am happy to be free! Was getting too comfortable... But I confused about one thing still."
"What is it, Father?"
"If bishop is fish, then who have I been confessing sins to all these years?"
Péter's Hut
1939 AD
"I no understand, Inspectair," shrugged Péter.
"Are you questioning ze legality and moral basis of zis Inquisition?" roared Nespafransay with an angry grin.
"Oh, no, no! Am understanding the reasons for Inquisition! Inquisition all fine and good! Proud church tradition! Am happy to be Inquisition! It just that I not sure if you doing Inquisition properly. Am just being concerned, is all."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you tied me to rack, which is good. But is dish rack you took from kitchen! And while you are being getting all the stuffing on one end of cushion for maximum effectiveness, maximum effectiveness of poking with cushion for torturing not very good, no?"
"Well, eet was not my idea!" protested Nespafransay. "Eet was ze town bishop's idea, eesn't zat right, town bishop?"
The town bishop did not respond, but instead stared at Péter silently, blinking once in a while.
"See?"
"Well, if it town bishop's idea, Péter will not argue. Am being sure he knows best! Maybe Inquisition was less torture than I was being thought."
Nespafransay leered. Then, he cupped a hand to his ear, as if listening for something.
"Wait.. what's zat? What is eet zat you say, town bishop?"
The town bishop was not saying anything.
"Oui, oui, zat is right... We will need to bring out ze most torturous torture deevice evair! We shall bring out... ze comfy chair!"
And with that, Nespafransay produced a very comfortable-looking chair and set it in front of him.
"Now, sit!"
. Péter did so easily, for while his arms were locked behind him, tied to the dish-drying rack that was flat against his spine, his legs were completely free to move.
"Yes, it very comfortable. But I still no understand. This chair very comfortable, not torturous..."
"Fyuel! Do you not under-"
"Wait, what?"
"I said, do you not under-"
"No, before!"
"I said 'Fyuel!'"
"Yes, that is being it. I cannot being understand your accent."
"I just said- Look, nevair mind! And you 'ave an accent, too!"
"It no accent! It speech impediment! Makes speech pattern Slavic. And I still no understand how comfy chair is torture."
"Fyu- I mean, imbecile! Do you not understand?"
"No, I not under-"
"Eet was un rhetorical question! Ze chair is torture because eet is so comfy! Een fact, so comfortable is zis chair, zat once you are off of eet, you will nevair be so comfortable for ze rest of your entire life! Evairy 'our of evairy day, you will be tortured by ze very state of regulair comfort, for so used were you to ze comforts of ze comfy chair! Eet is a torture lasting for a lifetime! Ze greatest torture of all!"
"Oh!" Péter nodded in understanding. "Wait, I still no understand."
Nespafransay was about to scream in frustration when bursting through the door was a boy in his mid-teens, leading the Emperor, Heruy Welde Sellase, and the Semi-Lobster behind him.
"Father, this Emperor-person and his friends want to see you and-"
The boy was cut off by the strange sight of the Inquisition of his father.
"Father?"
"Oh, hello there József. I am being Inquisition!"
"Inquisition? Who authorized this?" the son demanded angrily.
Nespafransay cackled. "Why,. ze town bishop, of course! Isn't zat right?"
The town bishop said nothing. The town bishop blinked twice.
"I always knew that town bishop would turn out to be evil.." the boy muttered.
"Wait, what is going on here?" barged in the Emperor. "An Inquisition?"
"Oui! Un Catholic Inquisition zat no true and faithful Catholic will 'ave to fear!... You are Catholic, right?"
"Yes," the boy affirmed immediately.
"Well... um... not really..."
"Quoi!?" Nespafrnasay stepped angrily towards the Emperor, his eyes gleaming red.
"Hey, I'm the Emperor of Ethiopia! You should expect me to be a faithful member of the Ethiopian Orthodox Tewahido Church!"
"So you are telling me zat you are un schismatic!?"
"Schismatic?" Haile sweated. "Come on! I'm pretty sure our churches are similar enough so that this future possible Inquisition of myself will be called off!"
"Really?" Nespafransay rubbed his chin, skeptical. "Tell me about eet."
"Well, uh... You're kind of putting me on the spot here..."
"Tell me about eet!"
"Well, uh, okay then... Uh... We love Jesus! Isn't that right, Heruy?"
"I suppose it could be put that way, yes..."
"And Mary, too! And none of that Protestant diminishing of the Holy Mother, either!"
"Of course-"
"And saints! Why, we have saints coming out of our ears! And we do the whole intercession thing, and dedicate churches to them, all that stuff!"
Nespafransay nodded.
"And what is your church's position on ze theological ramifications of ze Council of Chalcedon?"
"Actually, we reject the Council of Chalcedon, and Pope Leo's decree that in Christ are two natures united, inconvertible and inseparable, and instead believe in a complete, natural union of Divine and Human natures, and-"
"Ha! You fell for eet!" Nespafransay gestured dramatically with cushion in hand. "Zese trivial differences on ze nature of Christ are irreconcilable between our two Churches!"
"Ack! I can't believe you got me with- Wait a second, you're a Frenchman!"
"Uh... Non, I em not?..."
Haile suddenly remembered more....
"And your eyes are glowing red! Are you... are you a werewolf as well?"
"Oh, no. I am werewolf," Péter admitted from the back of the room, still tied to the rack.. "Sometimes, every full moon, I go out and kill and eat somebody in brutal fashion. Usually traveller, from far away place, like Ethiopia, so that no one miss them." He shrugged. "It just one of those things, you know?"
"Enough of zis fyuelishness! I must Inquisition ze schismatic in accordance to ze wishes of ze Bishiop!"
"Wait, you know that your bishop is a fish, right?"
"Quoi!?" Nespafransay paled to Haile's remark. "Non, non! Zat is fyuelishness et nonsense! Why would you evair say such a fyuelish zing?"
"No, seriously, he's a fish! Look!"
The bishop blinked, and swam around a little in his little bowl, staring blankly all the while.
"I see no fish! I see only un bishop!"
"You... you just placed a fishbowl with a fish on a rolling stand, and draped it in a bishop's robes, so that you could go around doing anything without the townsfolk taking action because they would think that it was the wishes of the Church, right?"
"I 'ave no idea what you are talking about. And I must say zat ze bishop is quite offended by your callous remarks."
"Alright, then. What's the bishop's name?"
"Why, of course! 'is name is... Bishop.... Gold.......fish.?..."
"Ha!" Haile yelled, and Nespafransay's face drooped, for he knew he was defeated.
"I may be defeated for now, but I em not completely defeated! Now I must be avez!"
And with that, he did go, with the bishop-fish-on-a-stand in tow, and József quickly rushed to his father's side and freed him from the dish drying rack.
"Boy, am happy to be free! Was getting too comfortable... But I confused about one thing still."
"What is it, Father?"
"If bishop is fish, then who have I been confessing sins to all these years?"
