Be warned, absurd political "satire" ahead. Don't worry, the next one is a normal short story. To be released soon(ish).
Humanity Declared Invasive Species
Is it our fault the Blorg have gone mad?
Moon Morning Magazine
Exciting Trial Ends
Artist accused of genocide acquitted after 200-year trial
Exciting Trial Ends
Artist accused of genocide acquitted after 200-year trial
Earlier today, infamous human artist Vellebeth Andar Undera, the Ringmaker, was acquitted by the Pan-Galactic High Court for Sapient Rights of genocide, but convicted of intentionally damaging protected Pan-Galactic Heritage Sites.
Both accusations refer to when Vellebeth destroyed the Blorg’s Bane Ring by inducing the local star into going supernova, thus wiping out the ring and it’s population of 9.9 billion organic beings from a pre-interstellar civilization.
The jury judged him not guilty of genocide, in a ruling that caused considerable uproar amongst the Intergalactic Society of Friends of the Lesser Races, after a series of experts from the GalCorp Institute testimonied that it was “entirely possible” that the Ring inhabitants could have built a civilization by “mere blind chance” and that their “repugnant barbaric behaviour” suggested they weren’t really sapient.
However, there was no escape for Vellebeth from the charge of intentionally destroying a valuable Heritage Site, and, after a lengthy but unconvincing plea for mercy, the artist seemingly accepted his fate, announcing afterwards he would not appeal the ruling.
In a landmark ruling Judge 66/228/009 condemned the brain but not the body of the accused, after the defence convincingly argued that although the brain of the accused was the same he possessed when the crime was committed, the body had been entirely changed, and thus should not be included in the punishment.
The brain of the accused has thus been condemned to 50000 years of cryogenic sleep, during which it will be put in a controlled state under which it will continually replay the moment of the destruction of the ring, while being made to feel the anguish felt by the Curator of the Networked Galactic Mega-Art Museum when he found out the ring had been destroyed.
His body has already been bought by the Ketter government which has announced it’s intention to turn it into another of it’s automated mindless biological slaves, toiling in the mines of Kettesh. Insiders postulate an agreement between the Ketter and the High Court might already be in the works, one which would allow the Ketter to assist the court with their extensive knowledge of mind-stripping, in exchange for being allowed to use the suddenly mindless bodies left behind by such rulings.
After the verdict was pronounced, the Chairman of the Galactic Council issued a lauding proclamation: “Today is a great day for all those who believe in the rule of law for all sapient beings in the galaxy. The High Court has been shown to be a modern institution in whose strong shoulders we can safely lay the burden of protecting our inalienable sapient rights.”.
His egg-sibling, the CEO of GalCorp in the Milky Way, whose company has recently won the GC-promoted lottery for the mineral rights to the remnant of the ring, has similarly expressed jubilation at the ruling, calling it a symptom of a “modern and just intergalactic society”.
Both accusations refer to when Vellebeth destroyed the Blorg’s Bane Ring by inducing the local star into going supernova, thus wiping out the ring and it’s population of 9.9 billion organic beings from a pre-interstellar civilization.
The jury judged him not guilty of genocide, in a ruling that caused considerable uproar amongst the Intergalactic Society of Friends of the Lesser Races, after a series of experts from the GalCorp Institute testimonied that it was “entirely possible” that the Ring inhabitants could have built a civilization by “mere blind chance” and that their “repugnant barbaric behaviour” suggested they weren’t really sapient.
However, there was no escape for Vellebeth from the charge of intentionally destroying a valuable Heritage Site, and, after a lengthy but unconvincing plea for mercy, the artist seemingly accepted his fate, announcing afterwards he would not appeal the ruling.
In a landmark ruling Judge 66/228/009 condemned the brain but not the body of the accused, after the defence convincingly argued that although the brain of the accused was the same he possessed when the crime was committed, the body had been entirely changed, and thus should not be included in the punishment.
The brain of the accused has thus been condemned to 50000 years of cryogenic sleep, during which it will be put in a controlled state under which it will continually replay the moment of the destruction of the ring, while being made to feel the anguish felt by the Curator of the Networked Galactic Mega-Art Museum when he found out the ring had been destroyed.
His body has already been bought by the Ketter government which has announced it’s intention to turn it into another of it’s automated mindless biological slaves, toiling in the mines of Kettesh. Insiders postulate an agreement between the Ketter and the High Court might already be in the works, one which would allow the Ketter to assist the court with their extensive knowledge of mind-stripping, in exchange for being allowed to use the suddenly mindless bodies left behind by such rulings.
After the verdict was pronounced, the Chairman of the Galactic Council issued a lauding proclamation: “Today is a great day for all those who believe in the rule of law for all sapient beings in the galaxy. The High Court has been shown to be a modern institution in whose strong shoulders we can safely lay the burden of protecting our inalienable sapient rights.”.
His egg-sibling, the CEO of GalCorp in the Milky Way, whose company has recently won the GC-promoted lottery for the mineral rights to the remnant of the ring, has similarly expressed jubilation at the ruling, calling it a symptom of a “modern and just intergalactic society”.
Humanity Declared Invasive Species
Is it our fault the Blorg have gone mad?
Unsettling scenes today in the Blorg capital planet of Grolb, as the new chairman of the Blorg Presidium, Friend Oolgboth, has issued an executive order demoting humanity from it’s status as quasi-friend species to invasive species, calling for the “complete eradication” of our species.
In a frenzied speech, which our correspondent caught and transmitted home almost in full before being taken away to the death camps, the Blorg leader blamed the “treacherous humans” for taking advantage of Blorg friendship to gradually take over the Blorg Commonality.
Deriding humans as “mindless violent masses” who “breed like Jlorbs in heat” and transform every planet they move to into “human-only no go zones”, he defended his unprecedented decision by alerting to the risk of a human majority within 1900 years, which would “bring ruin to our harmonious Commonality”.
At this point, the crowd split into two opposing factions, one of which enthusiastically demonstrated it’s agreement with a lavish display of light-brown fluorescence, while their opponents made a strong show of disapproval by flashing their whole bodies in dark brown. A quite riveting, yet completely silent and still, display of the deep political divide that now tears the Blorg Commonality apart.
While on the Hover-train that would take him to the extermination camps, our correspondent had the opportunity to question some of the Blorg personnel aboard about their thoughts on this unexpected new development.
Friend Guard Bebbellg cheerfully proclaimed his full throated support of the new measures, deriding humans as “a plague”, a race “incapable of adapting” who “rudely refuse our friendship” and “refuse integration” by “creating their own friend-less human-only ghettos inside our cities”. He cited the recent very mediatised case, where a human pupil reportedly refused to shine in the grey-brown colours of welcome when a new Blorg classmate joined her class.
Friend Cook Maggobbo was more ambivalent. He was afraid of the exponential growth experienced by the human population across Blorg worlds, which the Blorg cannot compete with, due to their lengthy mitosis process, and the growing trend of human “illegals” in his home town who passed by him without acknowledging his enthusiastic grey-brown greetings, in a blatant breach of Blorg costumes.
Still, he was mildly apprehensive that the complete extermination of humans within Blorg space was antithetic to Blorg values of friendship and solidarity.
The United Nations of Earth has announced it will use “all available options” to force the Blorg Commonality to repel the order and restore humanity’s previous status as a quasi-friend species. It has announced it’s intention to recall it’s ambassador from Blorg space with haste, and has submitted a request for a motion of censure in the Galactic Senate, due to be discussed at some point in the next two to four hundred years
In a frenzied speech, which our correspondent caught and transmitted home almost in full before being taken away to the death camps, the Blorg leader blamed the “treacherous humans” for taking advantage of Blorg friendship to gradually take over the Blorg Commonality.
Deriding humans as “mindless violent masses” who “breed like Jlorbs in heat” and transform every planet they move to into “human-only no go zones”, he defended his unprecedented decision by alerting to the risk of a human majority within 1900 years, which would “bring ruin to our harmonious Commonality”.
At this point, the crowd split into two opposing factions, one of which enthusiastically demonstrated it’s agreement with a lavish display of light-brown fluorescence, while their opponents made a strong show of disapproval by flashing their whole bodies in dark brown. A quite riveting, yet completely silent and still, display of the deep political divide that now tears the Blorg Commonality apart.
While on the Hover-train that would take him to the extermination camps, our correspondent had the opportunity to question some of the Blorg personnel aboard about their thoughts on this unexpected new development.
Friend Guard Bebbellg cheerfully proclaimed his full throated support of the new measures, deriding humans as “a plague”, a race “incapable of adapting” who “rudely refuse our friendship” and “refuse integration” by “creating their own friend-less human-only ghettos inside our cities”. He cited the recent very mediatised case, where a human pupil reportedly refused to shine in the grey-brown colours of welcome when a new Blorg classmate joined her class.
Friend Cook Maggobbo was more ambivalent. He was afraid of the exponential growth experienced by the human population across Blorg worlds, which the Blorg cannot compete with, due to their lengthy mitosis process, and the growing trend of human “illegals” in his home town who passed by him without acknowledging his enthusiastic grey-brown greetings, in a blatant breach of Blorg costumes.
Still, he was mildly apprehensive that the complete extermination of humans within Blorg space was antithetic to Blorg values of friendship and solidarity.
The United Nations of Earth has announced it will use “all available options” to force the Blorg Commonality to repel the order and restore humanity’s previous status as a quasi-friend species. It has announced it’s intention to recall it’s ambassador from Blorg space with haste, and has submitted a request for a motion of censure in the Galactic Senate, due to be discussed at some point in the next two to four hundred years
Letters to the Editor
The Minute of Hate has arrived
Good evening
I wish to issue a complaint, in the strongest terms possible, due to the realisation of an interview, in the previews issue Nº 199902928282 of this very magazine, with the leader of the depraved, amoral anti-social cult known as the Order of the Lawyers. That this association of deranged individuals should rise again two hundred years after the Purge, should be cause of great chagrin for all right thinking individuals. In no way should we give these deviants a place to publicise their dangerous ideas, much less under the jocular terms in which this interview was conducted. As a long time reader of this magazine, I am appalled!
Sincerely,
Mr Bill Right from New New York
Greetings Bourgeois Lapdogs!
I’m the Secretary General of the Communist Party (Marxist Leninist Maoist Cyber-Hoxhaist Red Banner Tendency) or CPMLMCHRBT, and I write to you today to protest the wildly unfair and biased characterization of the Ketter People’s Devourers in the previous issue of this magazine.
It is common knowledge that the comrades at the Ketter People’s Devourers have been target of a long running slander campaign by the imperialist pigs at the UN secretariat, with the shameless aid of the crypto-imperialists and faux-leftists of the pseudo-left intelligentsia, who immediately reject and defame any successful non-human socialist state, laying bare their bourgeois attachment to the reactionary concepts of “sapient rights”, “personal freedom” and “socioeconomic equality”.
The so-called proof produced by your sell off journalists amounts to nothing more but United Nations Intelligent Agency forgeries, reactionary exiles from whose mouths drip dirty lies and mischaracterised footage of species-specific socialist activities which naturally deplore our bourgeois human sensibilities but certainly delight the comrades of the Ketter species who partake in them.
We would furthermore like to condemn your repulsive interview with the speaker of the Communist Party (Marxist Leninist Maoist Cyber-Hoxhaist Hammer and Sickle Tendency), or CPMLMCHHST, in which that crypto-capitalist revisionist rat shamelessly spat on and distorted the glorious legacy of comrades marx, lenin, mao and cyber-hoxa.
Revolutionary Regards
Comrade Sir Philip Jones-Herbert
Greetings, lefty fascist journos
This letter has the purpose of thoroughly TRASHING your ridiculous article about GREAT PRESIDENT Little Fairy of OUR United States of America. How dare you globalist scum cast doubt upon the President’s immaculate academic accomplishments, you DUMBFUCKS? You poor dumb fuckers think someone can’t get twenty three Master’s Degress without ever setting foot on your COMMUNIST BRAINWASHING ENDOCTRINATION CAMPS??? Well HE did, deal with it!
And as for that SNOWFLAKE you interviewed who whined about our GREAT PRESIDENT’s service on our GLORIOUS ARMED FORCES? Tell that treasonous cunt that if I ever run across him I’ll make what our AWESOME PRESIDENT did to his friends, the natives of Congo or whatever, seem like child’s play!
And those “experts” you consulted who told you that we are now an “Undemocratic Autocracy”, fuck them! They wouldn’t know freedom if it bit them in the ASS. Tell those well behaved well paid blind SHEEP dancing to the tune of their CORRUPT ATHEIST EURO governments, in America rule the Americans!
Under our GREAT PRESIDENT Little Fairy’s PIOUS AND CHRISTIAN rule, we will continue to fight for our right to bear arms, no matter how much you whine about “irradiated wastelands”. It’s our damn land, and we will never surrender our personal use atom bombs. YOU SNOWFLAKES DEAL WITH IT.
Our BEAUTIFUL WOMEN will keep being safe in the comfortable security of our WELL ARMOURED cellars, the TREASONOUS FAR LEFTIES will keep being eviscerated on sight by our boys in blue, and WE WILL COUP WHATEVER WE WANT!
You are loosing and you know it. Why just yesterday your rubbish magazine reported that the GLOBALIST PERVERTS at the UN themselves will help us build our ALL AROUND ESCAPE PROOF CONTINENTAL WALL! In your face, leftie fascist scum!
Patriotic Regards
Mohammed Smith III, Retired Major-General of the United States Purification Corps
The Minute of Hate has arrived
Good evening
I wish to issue a complaint, in the strongest terms possible, due to the realisation of an interview, in the previews issue Nº 199902928282 of this very magazine, with the leader of the depraved, amoral anti-social cult known as the Order of the Lawyers. That this association of deranged individuals should rise again two hundred years after the Purge, should be cause of great chagrin for all right thinking individuals. In no way should we give these deviants a place to publicise their dangerous ideas, much less under the jocular terms in which this interview was conducted. As a long time reader of this magazine, I am appalled!
Sincerely,
Mr Bill Right from New New York
Greetings Bourgeois Lapdogs!
I’m the Secretary General of the Communist Party (Marxist Leninist Maoist Cyber-Hoxhaist Red Banner Tendency) or CPMLMCHRBT, and I write to you today to protest the wildly unfair and biased characterization of the Ketter People’s Devourers in the previous issue of this magazine.
It is common knowledge that the comrades at the Ketter People’s Devourers have been target of a long running slander campaign by the imperialist pigs at the UN secretariat, with the shameless aid of the crypto-imperialists and faux-leftists of the pseudo-left intelligentsia, who immediately reject and defame any successful non-human socialist state, laying bare their bourgeois attachment to the reactionary concepts of “sapient rights”, “personal freedom” and “socioeconomic equality”.
The so-called proof produced by your sell off journalists amounts to nothing more but United Nations Intelligent Agency forgeries, reactionary exiles from whose mouths drip dirty lies and mischaracterised footage of species-specific socialist activities which naturally deplore our bourgeois human sensibilities but certainly delight the comrades of the Ketter species who partake in them.
We would furthermore like to condemn your repulsive interview with the speaker of the Communist Party (Marxist Leninist Maoist Cyber-Hoxhaist Hammer and Sickle Tendency), or CPMLMCHHST, in which that crypto-capitalist revisionist rat shamelessly spat on and distorted the glorious legacy of comrades marx, lenin, mao and cyber-hoxa.
Revolutionary Regards
Comrade Sir Philip Jones-Herbert
Greetings, lefty fascist journos
This letter has the purpose of thoroughly TRASHING your ridiculous article about GREAT PRESIDENT Little Fairy of OUR United States of America. How dare you globalist scum cast doubt upon the President’s immaculate academic accomplishments, you DUMBFUCKS? You poor dumb fuckers think someone can’t get twenty three Master’s Degress without ever setting foot on your COMMUNIST BRAINWASHING ENDOCTRINATION CAMPS??? Well HE did, deal with it!
And as for that SNOWFLAKE you interviewed who whined about our GREAT PRESIDENT’s service on our GLORIOUS ARMED FORCES? Tell that treasonous cunt that if I ever run across him I’ll make what our AWESOME PRESIDENT did to his friends, the natives of Congo or whatever, seem like child’s play!
And those “experts” you consulted who told you that we are now an “Undemocratic Autocracy”, fuck them! They wouldn’t know freedom if it bit them in the ASS. Tell those well behaved well paid blind SHEEP dancing to the tune of their CORRUPT ATHEIST EURO governments, in America rule the Americans!
Under our GREAT PRESIDENT Little Fairy’s PIOUS AND CHRISTIAN rule, we will continue to fight for our right to bear arms, no matter how much you whine about “irradiated wastelands”. It’s our damn land, and we will never surrender our personal use atom bombs. YOU SNOWFLAKES DEAL WITH IT.
Our BEAUTIFUL WOMEN will keep being safe in the comfortable security of our WELL ARMOURED cellars, the TREASONOUS FAR LEFTIES will keep being eviscerated on sight by our boys in blue, and WE WILL COUP WHATEVER WE WANT!
You are loosing and you know it. Why just yesterday your rubbish magazine reported that the GLOBALIST PERVERTS at the UN themselves will help us build our ALL AROUND ESCAPE PROOF CONTINENTAL WALL! In your face, leftie fascist scum!
Patriotic Regards
Mohammed Smith III, Retired Major-General of the United States Purification Corps
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