1066 and all that: an England aar
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I don't like going for all-out conquest or powergaming, not for any reasons of integrity or roleplaying accuracy or anything like that, but because I don't like managing large empires, I think they look a bit ugly on the map, and also all my monarchs seem to be too inept to do anything useful anyway.
(I'd just like to point out that this week my internet connection decided to go crazy, so updates to the aar might become a bit erratic. sorry.)
Ha!
This is like Medieval Little Britain but without the gay. But since it's England, it's only a matter of time.
I am certainly subscribed.
This is like Medieval Little Britain but without the gay. But since it's England, it's only a matter of time.
I am certainly subscribed.
Chapter III - Robert I, part II
Actually, Some Popular Decisions
Robert’s realm now enjoyed a surprising period of stability, and he was able to expel the final Saxon (who had been getting rather lonely, anyway). Turning his attention overseas, he saw that Arnolph, Duke of Flanders had become a heretic, and was fighting for his independence against King Aubry the Crazed of France. Robert bravely assisted the Heretic of Flanders by attacking him and annexing his best port, Bruges, thus bravely and cleverly ensuring that at least part of Flanders would remain out of French hands. However, after the rest of Flanders was overrun by the French, Mad King Aubry gave the title Duke of Flanders to William de Breteuil, son of the exiled Norman turncoat, FitzWilliam Osborn de Breteuil. This was an act of madness too far for the English to take, and the Norman barons rallied behind Robert in a full-scale invasion of France.
fig 10: This appointment was one of the worst diplomatic insults in history
Robert was able to defeat his dribbling French opponent and capture all of Flanders, although not without managing to get his eldest son, Crown Prince Henry, killed at the siege of Paris (it was apparently custom for Robert’s wars to end in the death of an heir). Thus the war of the Heretic of Flanders was resolved in England’s favour. Robert decided to reinstate Arnolph as Duke of Flanders; although he was a heretic, Robert saw that the Pope at his time was also a heretic, and so came to the conclusion that heresy must somehow be alright now for some reason. Indeed, there followed a wave of sceptical heretic popes in this period. Historians struggling to explain this heretic Pope have pointed out that a) he was deceitful, and b) he was French. An alternate theory is that the Latin translations of ‘infallible’ and ‘inflammable’ became confused in some way. In any event, these Popes had considerable influence in England, and forced Robert to perform strange tasks, such as fight wars with half his regiments missing (known as the Piece of God), and, memorably, revoking all of his invested lays.
fig 11: From inflammable, to infallible: heretics no longer used as firewood
fig 12: Rulers usually agreed to this, rather than reveal their incomprehension
Normal Unpopular Service Resumed
Robert spent his later years fighting continual Baronial uprisings. He tried to intervene in France a second time, as the Occitan regions were in revolt against the new French king Louis (they were of course enraged that the new monarch wasn’t insane). The stages of the second war were as follows: 1) Robert soundly defeated by Louis. 2) Rebels soundly defeated by Louis. 3) England loses Normandy. 4) England loses Flanders (to the symmetrically-named rebel, Andre de Flandre). 5) Robert dies slowly and painfully from a surfeit of unpopularity.
The entire country celebrated upon hearing this news (even the Dolphin, though dolphins always look kind of happy, so it’s hard to tell what they’re thinking, really). Anyway, although the English barons were upset at losing their Norman homeland, they considered it an acceptable price for also losing Robert.
Actually, Some Popular Decisions
Robert’s realm now enjoyed a surprising period of stability, and he was able to expel the final Saxon (who had been getting rather lonely, anyway). Turning his attention overseas, he saw that Arnolph, Duke of Flanders had become a heretic, and was fighting for his independence against King Aubry the Crazed of France. Robert bravely assisted the Heretic of Flanders by attacking him and annexing his best port, Bruges, thus bravely and cleverly ensuring that at least part of Flanders would remain out of French hands. However, after the rest of Flanders was overrun by the French, Mad King Aubry gave the title Duke of Flanders to William de Breteuil, son of the exiled Norman turncoat, FitzWilliam Osborn de Breteuil. This was an act of madness too far for the English to take, and the Norman barons rallied behind Robert in a full-scale invasion of France.
fig 10: This appointment was one of the worst diplomatic insults in history
Robert was able to defeat his dribbling French opponent and capture all of Flanders, although not without managing to get his eldest son, Crown Prince Henry, killed at the siege of Paris (it was apparently custom for Robert’s wars to end in the death of an heir). Thus the war of the Heretic of Flanders was resolved in England’s favour. Robert decided to reinstate Arnolph as Duke of Flanders; although he was a heretic, Robert saw that the Pope at his time was also a heretic, and so came to the conclusion that heresy must somehow be alright now for some reason. Indeed, there followed a wave of sceptical heretic popes in this period. Historians struggling to explain this heretic Pope have pointed out that a) he was deceitful, and b) he was French. An alternate theory is that the Latin translations of ‘infallible’ and ‘inflammable’ became confused in some way. In any event, these Popes had considerable influence in England, and forced Robert to perform strange tasks, such as fight wars with half his regiments missing (known as the Piece of God), and, memorably, revoking all of his invested lays.
fig 11: From inflammable, to infallible: heretics no longer used as firewood
fig 12: Rulers usually agreed to this, rather than reveal their incomprehension
Normal Unpopular Service Resumed
Robert spent his later years fighting continual Baronial uprisings. He tried to intervene in France a second time, as the Occitan regions were in revolt against the new French king Louis (they were of course enraged that the new monarch wasn’t insane). The stages of the second war were as follows: 1) Robert soundly defeated by Louis. 2) Rebels soundly defeated by Louis. 3) England loses Normandy. 4) England loses Flanders (to the symmetrically-named rebel, Andre de Flandre). 5) Robert dies slowly and painfully from a surfeit of unpopularity.
The entire country celebrated upon hearing this news (even the Dolphin, though dolphins always look kind of happy, so it’s hard to tell what they’re thinking, really). Anyway, although the English barons were upset at losing their Norman homeland, they considered it an acceptable price for also losing Robert.
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Worth losing your homeland to get rid of this guy eh?
And England and France seem a perfect paired match as they are right now.
And England and France seem a perfect paired match as they are right now.
An entertaining update, what with the blasphemy and madness. 
Not burning heretics... Feh! Next thing you know they'll outlaw torture.
Keep up the good work. I am greatly amused and bechuffed.
Not burning heretics... Feh! Next thing you know they'll outlaw torture.Keep up the good work. I am greatly amused and bechuffed.
Ok, glad to get that Robert guy out of the way... I'm wondering which insane monarch will be screwing things up next...
Awesome AAR! *subscribes*
Sorry to hear about Normandy - good luck getting that back from the Frenchies!
Sorry to hear about Normandy - good luck getting that back from the Frenchies!
Catholicism has very…catholic tastes.
So let me get this straight…the heretic pope was beatified while he was still alive? Wait, what? Your own insane take on these events can't match what the game is giving you, I'm afraid.
Intensely enjoyable read. And I flove the name "Andre de Flandre". Waiting to see Hanken von Franken and Ormand de Normandie join him on the stage.
So let me get this straight…the heretic pope was beatified while he was still alive? Wait, what? Your own insane take on these events can't match what the game is giving you, I'm afraid.
Intensely enjoyable read. And I flove the name "Andre de Flandre". Waiting to see Hanken von Franken and Ormand de Normandie join him on the stage.
I wonder how the Pope can be heretic. After all it's the Rome who decides what is heretic and what isn't.
Anyway, although the English barons were upset at losing their Norman homeland, they considered it an acceptable price for also losing Robert.
Great AAR! I'm a big fan of 1066 And All That and you capture the style wonderfully.
So with Robert dead is England going to get a Good King, a Bad King or a Weak King?
Great AAR! I'm a big fan of 1066 And All That and you capture the style wonderfully.
So with Robert dead is England going to get a Good King, a Bad King or a Weak King?
Chapter IV: Richard I – a Dashing King, Part I
Richard I ruled England for just five years, and spent all of them overseas. Thus he was considered a Good King. Richard was known for his gallant disposition, his generosity towards his friends, and the fact he managed to find a new wife every two years (including Queen Nest of Gwynedd, the famous avian bride).
England joins the crusades
King Richard was somewhat of a sceptic in religious issues, and enjoyed debating upon theological matters. Fortunately, these debates always ended with the consensus that all non-Christians should be piously slaughtered by large crusading armies. Accordingly, upon ascending to the throne, Richard immediately set sail for Jerusalem to join the First Crusade for the holy land. After half an hour’s sailing in the English Channel, Richard was informed that Jerusalem had already been liberated by the Christians, and that the crusades were over. Undeterred, Richard changed course for Spain.
The Spanish Imposition
Iberia (Spain) at his time had been overrun by infidels (Muslims). The peninsula was divided between two powers: the Emirate of Badajoz (which was in the south, and ruled the northeast), and the Emirate of Sevilla (so called because it was based in Valencia, and didn’t rule Sevilla). In order to assist the First Crusade (Jerusalem), the weaker Emirate of Badajoz had accordingly been attacked by the King of Hungary (Lazlow), who had overrun Aragon (establishing the Hungarian duchy of Navarra). Fortunately, Richard possessed capable advisors who actually understood what was going on (even in the brackets), and he was thus able to use his armies in support of his ally, Lazlow, first by capturing Jaca and then by failing to capture Barcelona.
The Second Crusade
The First Crusade had been a tremendous success, with Polish crusaders liberating Jerusalem (in accordance with the Pope’s request), and German crusaders capturing Alexandria and Constantinople (even though no-one had actually asked them to). With European armies fighting so successfully at the furthest reaches of Christendom, no-one realised until it was too late that Rome had fallen to the Muslims. A second crusade was quickly called in order to sort out this embarrassing oversight.
The King of Zirids, a fearsome Arab warmonger, had swept through Sicily and sacked Rome. Worse, he had displaced the Norman lords who had been rightfully occupying Sicily at the time. King Richard, still in Spain, was thus compelled to take urgent action against the Ziridian menace. First, he hit the Arabs where it hurt most – in the Balearics. After kicking them in the Balearics, he installed his brother as Bishop of Mallorca, an ideal candidate for the position as he was a loyal member of the heretic clergy (see chapter III, heretic popes). Using the island to marshal English reinforcements, Richard was ready to enact the second part of his daring plan: recapture Rome from the Ziridanians (which was an objective simple enough even for Richard to understand).
fig 13: Richard's plans were direct, simple and inflexible. Like their author.
Richard I ruled England for just five years, and spent all of them overseas. Thus he was considered a Good King. Richard was known for his gallant disposition, his generosity towards his friends, and the fact he managed to find a new wife every two years (including Queen Nest of Gwynedd, the famous avian bride).
England joins the crusades
King Richard was somewhat of a sceptic in religious issues, and enjoyed debating upon theological matters. Fortunately, these debates always ended with the consensus that all non-Christians should be piously slaughtered by large crusading armies. Accordingly, upon ascending to the throne, Richard immediately set sail for Jerusalem to join the First Crusade for the holy land. After half an hour’s sailing in the English Channel, Richard was informed that Jerusalem had already been liberated by the Christians, and that the crusades were over. Undeterred, Richard changed course for Spain.
The Spanish Imposition
Iberia (Spain) at his time had been overrun by infidels (Muslims). The peninsula was divided between two powers: the Emirate of Badajoz (which was in the south, and ruled the northeast), and the Emirate of Sevilla (so called because it was based in Valencia, and didn’t rule Sevilla). In order to assist the First Crusade (Jerusalem), the weaker Emirate of Badajoz had accordingly been attacked by the King of Hungary (Lazlow), who had overrun Aragon (establishing the Hungarian duchy of Navarra). Fortunately, Richard possessed capable advisors who actually understood what was going on (even in the brackets), and he was thus able to use his armies in support of his ally, Lazlow, first by capturing Jaca and then by failing to capture Barcelona.
The Second Crusade
The First Crusade had been a tremendous success, with Polish crusaders liberating Jerusalem (in accordance with the Pope’s request), and German crusaders capturing Alexandria and Constantinople (even though no-one had actually asked them to). With European armies fighting so successfully at the furthest reaches of Christendom, no-one realised until it was too late that Rome had fallen to the Muslims. A second crusade was quickly called in order to sort out this embarrassing oversight.
The King of Zirids, a fearsome Arab warmonger, had swept through Sicily and sacked Rome. Worse, he had displaced the Norman lords who had been rightfully occupying Sicily at the time. King Richard, still in Spain, was thus compelled to take urgent action against the Ziridian menace. First, he hit the Arabs where it hurt most – in the Balearics. After kicking them in the Balearics, he installed his brother as Bishop of Mallorca, an ideal candidate for the position as he was a loyal member of the heretic clergy (see chapter III, heretic popes). Using the island to marshal English reinforcements, Richard was ready to enact the second part of his daring plan: recapture Rome from the Ziridanians (which was an objective simple enough even for Richard to understand).
fig 13: Richard's plans were direct, simple and inflexible. Like their author.
Have you ever noticed that us Poles are very catholic in CK? I bet they would rescue Rome if Richard wasn't three provinces away from it.
Anyway, I must say that I really enjoy reading this AAR and the english fear of anything gallic is simply great.
Anyway, I must say that I really enjoy reading this AAR and the english fear of anything gallic is simply great.