The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Despots

Amric: Indeed, you've done very well with Strassburg ... much better than could be expected, given its initial status as a one province German minor with no ports (and many days fighting away from acquiring one). As for your desire to audit, you can't. See, this technically isn't a class - it's a seminar. And I'm not a teacher, I'm a facilitator. Teachers attempt to cram useless facts into unwilling students for very little pay. I speak for a bit, show a few slides, rely on audience participation to fill in the gaps, and receive a hefty fee from your employer.

Machiavellian: Again, this isn't a class and I'm not a teacher. I get paid whether you learn the material or not, so what do I care if you pay attention? If you don't, you'll only be cheating yourself.

Judge: Thank you. Let's hope I remain refreshing enough to hold everyone's ... oops, Whose Line is coming on ...

Director: We'll be distributing take-home materials throughout the seminar. As for grades - again, not a teacher, not a class. So no grades. But one question: sarcasm is ... what, now?

Paranoid Tsar: Hmm ... someone's been to one of my seminars before. I hope we don't move too slowly for you in the beginning.

Alexandru H.: Well, we will be viewing "I nearly won the Thirty Years' War and all I got was a bullet in the back" ...

OOC: I'd hoped to have the first real installment up tonight, but I've some graphic editing left to do that will have to wait till tomorrow. Mr. Vapidsuit is rather picky about his slides, you know.

calcsam2: Peasant?!? I'll have you know that the money I rake in from just this one seminar is more than you'll see in a lifetime, you spoiled inbred! And for the last time, THIS IS NOT A CLASS. IT IS A SEMINAR. Furthermore, Prof. Ebbesen's class involved world conquest as Byzantium nee Trebizond, not the Timurids as you imply. And disrupting the seminar surely would not be appreciated by your fellow attendees, who are here, after all, to learn about the Seven Habits. I think I'll partner you with Paranoid Tsar, since he's obviously way ahead of the rest of the group and you could use the help.

Commandante: (OOC) I must admit I didn't feel good after our company's Covey-a-thon ... just frustrated. Perhaps I shouldn't have resisted the brainwashing. Glad to have you aboard.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Despots

Habit One: Sharpen the Sword

OK, looks like some of you have got your nametags filled out. For those who haven't, that's what the markers on your tables are for. And it appears that everyone has deduced the location of the donuts - or the more flavorful ones at least. Shall we continue?

The first habit we're going to discuss is Sharpen the Sword. No no, Amric ... you can put that whetstone away. I don't mean sword-sharpening literally. While the usefulness of a finely honed blade cannot be overstated, the "sword" I'm referring to is your nation and its economic and military strength. You see, throughout history, there have been scores of civilizations who attempted to bludgeon their way to greatness only to fade away into posterity's deep, dark vault of shattered empires and forgotton peoples. Case in point: the Mongols. Sure, they built the largest contiguous empire in world history, but look where it got them. Years of plundering every city, village and shantytown to fall under their gaze has cast a severe pall over their accomplishments. After all, you can only make so many withdrawals from the world's collective emotional bank account before it runs dry. Perhaps if they'd spent a little less time looting and little more time promoting the arts and sciences, building great works of architecture, and so on, they might have survived a bit longer.

You see, if you keep using a sword without sharpening it, it eventually grows dull. Pretty soon all you've got is a club. It get's the job done, but it's a lot messier. Regular sharpening between uses allows one to use one's sword indefinitely, provided one doesn't do something silly like thrusting it into a stone and leaving it for some future ruler to pull out. A nation's strength is much the same. It can be used to bully the neighbors for a while, but after some time it will meet its match in a superior foe - a nation that has eschewed such brutish behavior and instead concentrated on improving its fiscal health.

Alrighty, let's take our first look at our case study: Sweden. In 1419, Sweden was in many respects the backwoods of Europe. Her cities were small, her provinces underdeveloped, and half of her meager tax income was being siphoned off by the King of Denmark, who was the overlord of the Kalmar Union nations, namely Sweden, Norway, and Denmark. Her heavily Decentralized (2) goverment resulted in considerable graft and corruption, resulting in a rather paltry monthly operating revenue (6.8d). Sweden's only real asset lay in her leadership's commitment to a Quality (7) Land army (6) made up of more or less Free Subjects (3).

Enter the Swedish nobility of the time who, despite begrudgingly professing an oath of fealty to the occupant of Copenhagen's throne, did possess a limited degree of autonomy as long as they kept the tributes flowing. While their names are lost to history (and really don't matter much anyway), we do know that this was quite the visionary lot. For they grasped well the concept of Sharpening the Sword, and put it into practice by revamping Sweden's tax collection system and Centralizing power. Of course, during this time there was no King of Sweden and to speak of one was treason, thus it is difficult to understand precisely in whom this power was centralized. But ours is not to wonder.

The increased income and consolidated power eventually emboldened the nobles into politely asking the King of Denmark for Sweden's independence. When this request was politely refused, a young rabble-rouser by the name of Engelbrekt Engelbrektsson took it upon himself to drum up a rebellion. Opportunistic folks that they were, the Swedish nobles made the fateful decision to redirect the Danes' tribute to Engelbrekt in the hopes that the little troublemaker might just make a go of it and force the dissolution of the Kalmar Union. Sure enough, the plan worked, and with considerably less spilling of blood than was typical of rebellions of the time. The Norwegians, not seeing the benefits of independence, elected instead to be formally annexed by Denmark. While Denmark and Sweden were now separate political entities, they retained a strong military alliance and pledged to aid each other in times of war. Once the vassalage with Denmark was officially broken, the nobles neatly disposed of Engelbrekt in the nearest drainage ditch and tossed a crown at Karl Knutsson Bonde, an able military commander and mediocre statesman who would soon lead Sweden onto the battlefield, though the results would not be particularly positive.

Time for some background info. Due to the ... *ahem* ... "interwoven nature" of royal families of the time, Denmark had a legitmate ancestral claim to the Duchy of Holstein just south of the Jutland. In 1439, the Danes finally decided to act upon this claim and began to prosecute the first of several quinquennial wars with the purpose of subjugating the Duchy. The Swedes had no intention of getting directly involved, but agreed to issue a token declaration of war and use their formidable navy to block the entrance to the Sund, thus protecting Copenhagen (and more importantly, all of Sweden) from potential invasion.

Alas, the war went very badly for the Danes, for at the time of its declaration their entire army was vacationing in The Area Formerly Known as Norway. Thus, the Hamburgers (why is everyone snickering?) were able to march unopposed into the Jutland and lay siege to Aalborg. Even worse, Holstein had managed to conscript an army of over 35,000 men, which was rather impressive given that the population of the Duchy numbered only 32,000 at the time. But even more impressive were the professional manner in which the Danish army crossed the Skagerack and marched toward Aalborg and the professional manner in which they were slaughtered to a man by Holstein's massive army.

Fearing a Danish collapse, the Swedes committed their army, which would be under the command of Bonde ... Karl Knutsson Bonde. Twenty thousand crack Swedish marines crossed the Sund and landed in Holstein, immediately laying siege to Hamburg. Aalborg fell soon after, but Bonde was certain he would be in control of Hamburg before Holstein's army could march southward to challenge him. We shall never know if he was correct, for mere days after Aalborg surrendered, the Danes capitulated, agreeing to pay 450,000 ducats in reparations, half of which was drained from the Swedish treasury. Bonde and the other nobles were understandably miffed, as well as convinced that Sweden was no longer the junior partner in her alliance with Denmark. Despite the setback of the war, some good came of it. The newly revamped Swedish navy gained valuable combat experience while happily sinking Holstein's navy. (That is, if four dinghies and a curiously bouyant bronze washbasin can be considered a navy.)

The performance of Sweden's armed forces in the war emboldened the nobles significantly. So much so, in fact, that they decided to support the claim of a Pretender to the Throne of Novgorod in 1449. This naturally resulted in war between the two powers, and in September of that year Bonde (Karl Knutsson Bonde) led the Swedish army into Kexholm and routed the defending Russians. After detaching a force to besiege the city, he proceeded southward to Ingermanland and laid siege to Narva. The first Russian counterattack drove Bonde back to Nyland, but from then on, the Swedes never lost a battle (at least, not according to Bonde's diary) as Bonde pushed deeper into Novgorod, capturing the capital in February of 1451. By this time, the hard-pressed Russians also had to contend with the alliance of the Teutonic Order, Pommern, and Bremen. Narva fell to the Swedes in December, and Kexholm surrendered the following March. Facing attacks from all sides and growing internal unrest, Novgorod agreed to cede Kexholm and Ingermanland to Sweden.

Peace reigned in Scandinavia until 1462, when Holstein, victorious in a war against the neighboring city-state of Bremen, gained the province of Mecklemburg, including the rich trading center of Lubeck. The Swedes feared this would destabilize the balance of power in the region and demanded Mecklemburg's independence be reinstated. Negotiations broke down in 1466, and after gaining military transit rights through Pommern, Sweden declared war on Holstein, who was aided by her allies Eire and Brittany. Well, "aided" isn't exactly the proper description ... the phrase "the beneficiary of valiant yet hopeless attempts to break the Swedish blockade of Hamburg harbor" would be more accurate. Attempts which unsurprisingly resulted in the sinking of said allies' navies. Anyway, speaking of futile causes, we come to the land phase of the war. Holstein's military was a shadow of its former self and hopelessly outnumbered and outgeneraled. Bonde's expeditionary force overran the Duchy in but a few months, but the residents of Hamburg stubbornly held out for nearly two years, subsisting on such gourmet dishes as rat tartar and dog souffle. Nevertheless, the inevitable by its very definition could not be avoided, and Holstein agreed to cede Mecklemburg to Sweden in July of 1468. In order to appease the various annoying factions in Europe who demanded the Swedes make good on their word to grant the citizens of Lubeck their independence, a plebescite was held to determine whether or not Mecklemburg ought to remain a part of greater Sweden. The Swedish observers skillfully stuffed the ballot boxes, and lo and behold! Lubeck remained a Swedish possession.

So, we have seen how by deferring aggressive military action in favor of Sharpening the Sword, the rulers of Sweden were able to turn an impoverished backwater into a power to be reckoned with. By 1470 Sweden's navy ruled the Baltic, her army ruled Scandinavia, and her accountants oversaw all trade in the region. Not bad for 50 years work. Here's a slide containing a map of Europe in 1468:



OK, now we're going to do our first group exercise. But first, does anyone have any questions?

Machiavellian: Certainly. Sweden's dramatic rise in economic resources (more than a 300% increase over 50 years) was due to several major paradigm shifts. First, the nobles promoted provincial bailiffs to tax collectors - that action alone was responsible for much of the tremendous rise in Census Taxes. Second, the acquisition of Lubeck - few provinces rake in the dough like a Center of Trade. Finally, the Swedes gradually Centralized their government during this period. This naturally resulted in a more efficient use of the country's resources, with the added side benefit of promoting technological progress. So, to sum up ... promote Tax Collectors, grab rich provinces, and Centralize.

Paranoid Tsar: I'm glad you liked that phrase, because the first group activity will be based upon it. Hmm ... there's a minor typo in there... As for navies, they are merely collections of seagoing vessels (or at least, objects that remain afloat for some time) primarily used to distribute syphilis, gonorrhea, and other sexually transmitted diseases from port to port. Occasionally they are used for military purposes, such as the Swedish blockade of the Sund mentioned earlier. They cannot occupy land nor kill traitors. (Though "volunteering" traitors for naval service is a great way to deal with the faithless bastards.)

DanielMcCollum: I pay attention to all my indoctr ... *ahem* ... customers. Anyway, to address your question, the best way to deal with a renegade Parliament is to force the members who disagree with you to "think inside the box". And by "box", I mean "coffin". Then simply replace the nuisance represenatives with ones who are on board with your mission statement.

Commandante: Sweden did not requisition Kola and Karelia because she was not at war with Muscowy, only Novgorod. I see by the glazed look in your eyes that I've lost you, so I'll explain. By the time Sweden went to war with her, Novgorod was a mere rump state consisting only of Novgorod, Kexholm, Ingermanland, and Pskov. The rest of her former territory had been greedily gobbled up by Muscowy and Poland. So you see, even if the Swedes had wanted Kola and Karelia, they weren't going to get them from that war. Kexholm and Ingermanland were a fair enough tradeoff, home as they are to Ugric peoples.

OK folks, time for our first group exercise! Since nobody has expressed a preference for a specific partner, I have assigned the following pairings:

calcsam2 and Paranoid Tsar
Amric and Machiavellian
Judge and Director
Alexandru H. and Commandante
I will function as DanielMcCollum's partner until more attendees arrive and fill out their nametags. Consider yourself lucky, Daniel.

Alrighty then ... you'll notice that there are two shields, a sword, and a club on each table. Each of you take a shield, then toss a doubloon to decide who gets the sword and who gets the club. I'll take the club, Daniel, as my swordsmanship is, of course, far superior to anyone in this room. Here, you take the sword. Err ... no, you're supposed to hold the other end ... there you go. Now, for each pairing, the winner will be whomever removes a limb first. His opponent's limb, that is.

Ready? GO!

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And now it's your turn. Feel free to post descriptions (humorous, gruesome, or otherwise) of your fight. You can even collaborate with your partner, thought it might be funnier if one of you posted and the other responded with the "real" story. It'll be at least a couple days before the next Habit is discussed, so go nuts!