The Sort-Of History of Austria

Little William had a homework assignment to do. His teacher had told him to deliver a report on the history of Austria! Austria, of all countries. All William knew of Austria's history was that some duck had gotten shot and a great war started. What's so special about a duck? he wondered. The boy decided to ask his Grampa if he knew anything about the history of Austria.

"Well, now, Willy, I know more about Austria than I knows about me. What part of their history?"

"Uh...1420 onward."

"Well, that's a mighty big report, Willy m' boy. But I'll start a year earlier in 1419, because--"

"Why, Grampa?"

"An ex-cha year will getcher some ex-cha credit. Why, I remember once, I did an assignment--can't remember what it was now--Math! it was math, and the teacher she said do half the lesson, and I went an done the whole gosh-durned thang. She gave me twice the score--that's a two hunnerd percent--"

"Austria, Grampa."

"Ah, yes. What year?"

"1419, Grampa."

"Oh, yes. Let's see. Yes. Mm-hmm. Let's see. They give you kids the strangest assignments these days. When I was your age--"

"1419 Austria!"

"Oh, yes..."

---TO BE CONTINUED---

"In June 1419 they declared war on them Vetenian fellers--"

"Venetian?"

"Now look, if I say Vetenian but I meant Venetian, don't you think I woulda said Venetian? Now anyway, these Venetains fellows. They declared war--or rather those Austrians did--I don't remember who there king was. Probably some guy named Karl or Fredriech or Heineken or somebody, but that king feller, well, he declared war, on Venetia--"

"Venice."

"Well this King Heineken, or whatever his name were, he went and declared war upon them Venice fellers, and so they had this war and I don't remember who--hold it--wait--yes. Nobody won, so they all went home and had some of that stuff they have over there, whatsitcalled. Weinershnitzle or something, or beanwurst, or something or other. But the point is the war was just plain at an end, so nobody go--now wait. I think the Australians--"

"Australians!"

"Why, haven't you never been to Australia? I haven't, but there's some big old rabbit with pockets down there, sounds weird. Dunno what's wrong with ordinary American critters. Well, skunks..."

"Grampa!"

"Oh, yes. Austria. Well, so they didn't have a war, and well, just a sec, I have to go get my pipe."

And now, digression number three. (I will take this opportunity to mention that by no means are any of Grampa's views my own.)
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Grampa walked through the door and sat down rather loudly in his rocking chair, which made a rather ominous creaking noise.

"Oh, don't mind that, Willy, it's been doing that fer years. Now, then, hmm, so them fellers in Australia, they had the war and it was over you see, and then them Bohemians--you know, now, I never did know where Bohemia was. I wondered and wondered, where the devil is Bohemia, because I heard of them Bohemians--not in history, was it maybe a bird, Bohemian somethin or other? And then the Bohemian ways or whatever you know. Well, I wonder, do they give you a good map at that school, a good map, one with them Bohimmers on it?"

"Well, Grampa, I've never heard of Bohemia."

"You hasn't! My word! Nobody's heard of Bohemia these days. Well, so anyway, them Bohemians, now what was I going to--oh! yes. They went and becomed protesters."

"Protesters!"

"Yes, a religion you know."

"No, protesters aren't a religion, they're a type of people."

"Well, now, there's Catholics--that's us--there's Methodicists, there's Baptists, there's Protesters, and there's Lithuanians, and there are Ortho-Ducks."

"Catholics, Methodists, Baptists, Protestants, Luthereans, and Orthodox?"

"Well, I s'pose... So these whadderya callems...Protest-ants?

"Praw-test-ents."

"Well they went and becomed Bohimmers--or no, them Bohimmers became protest-Protestants. So then King Heineken done gone went and married all his daughters to them beerswogglin' Bavarians and them Wurtte--Wur--I'll spell it: W-u-r-t-t-e-m-b-u-r-g. "

Continued...

"Now then, on May 18, er, 1424, yes, that's it, there was an unprovoked rebellion. Just clear out of the blue rebellion. No reason. Just had a few drinks, I s'pose, and went and said, "Well let's just go and have us a rebellion, just for fun!" and so the rebels in Vienna rebelled, and on June 13 we beat them. So then Hungary declared war on them Croats--isn't it a funny name, Croats. Croats, Croats, Croats--"

"Grampa!"

"Oh, yes. Um...oh, me, what I would give to be young with a good memory again. That's the one thing--"

"Croatia declares war..."

"No, son! Winfield, I can't--"

"William."

"Boy, I tell you, Willy, Hungary declared war on the Croats! And those--oh, no, not them again. Just where the devil IS Bohemia? I thought it was a type of tree or something. Now them Bohunks or whatever, they joined the war on the Croat side, not too clever of them. See, the Bohunks had lost all but one of their provinces to Saxony and Baden and Brand-of-burger, so Austria rolled in and annexed them right up, while Hungary nabbed them Croats--you know, I'm hungry. Let's see if Gramma made us some croats for lunch."

William did not appreciate his Grampa's demonstration that he, too, can be funny if he wants to.

After they had finished their ham and cheese sandwiches, they went back out onto the porch and Grampa sat down in his rocking chair--almost.

"Darn it! They don't make them chairs like they used to," he said, sitting on the porch amid a pile of broken wood.

"You could go on a diet!" yelled a rather entertained voice from inside the house--the voice of Gramma.

Grampa mumbled something which William was pleased to enter into his vocabulary, then sat on another chair which did not break. "Now then...where was I...Croatia and Hungary. Hungary declared war on the Croats--what a funny name, Croats."

"Grampa!! Please! The war's over."

"Oh, you think the war's over? Why, the war ha'n't even started. Ha, you ain't seen a war--"

"Grampa...!"

"Oh, yes. Well, Austria annexed the Bohunks and Hungary got the Croats. Oh, shoot! Did I say Croats? I meant Serbians, all along. It don't matter what I said, but I meant Serbs, you know, now, so they annexed the Serbs, them Magyars did. Now there's a funny name--"

"Grampa!"

"Well, you can stop gettin' so mad, Winnie. Now, then, these Hungararians were aggressive fellers, so next thing you know, they declare war on the POPE, for God's sake! The POPE! Well, they were catholics, too! That's just nuts if you ask me. Just nuts. So anyway, now Austria, Baden, Hungaria, Saltburg, and Corsica--isn't that where Napoleon got exiled? Or no, he was born there, warn't he?--now they're all at war with the Pope, Bavaria, Siena, Wurt--Wurt--I spell it, W-u-r-t-t-e-m-b-u-r-g, and Wurz, Wurz-- Bratwurstburg, with a Z. So Austria had to break the holy deadlock--wedlock, 'm sorry, heh, memory's not to good now, wedlock with the, um, oh, dang, not them again. I'll spell it, W-u-r-t-t..."

Interlude

William decided to see if anybody else knew about the history of Austria.

"Dad, what do you know about the history of Austria?"

"What time period?"

"1424-present."

"Well...the Arch-Duke got assassinated in 1914, and that's how the war started."

"That's all?" (Actually, William did indeed learn from his father, because he had previously thought it was Arch-Duck.)

"I'm afraid snow. Er...sorry, I didn't mean to say that."

"Mom, what do you know about the history of Austria?"

"What time period?"

"1424-present."

"Well...the Arch-Duke got assassinated in 1914, and that's how the war started."

"That's all?"

"I'm afraid so."

William got on his computer.

"Jeeves, what do you know about Austrian history?"

"SPONSORED LINKS:

Skiing Austria.com

Come to beautiful Vienna, home of classical music!

Austria Tour Guide.net! Your itinerary planner for Austrian vacations, with over 400 hotels in Vienna alone..."

William gave up.

"Alright, Grampa. We're on 1424."

"Well, now..."

Er.......um........well.......it's been a while. Allow me:

Recently I discovered EUtopia and on a whim decided to run for president of the whole country! (I also am the editor of a newspaper there.) I think I'm going to lose, and if I do I'll return to The Sort-Of History of Austria; if I win I'm going to be busy for another two months.

Oh, go to EUtopia, register as a citizen, and vote for ME! (shameless advertising....lol)

Actually, a quick stop at EUtopia will reveal that I don't have very much shame.

Well, Commandante, I lost the election, so you got your wish. Expect an update soon!

OOC: Where the last post said '1424', it should read '1434'.
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"Now, so, things was slow back then, and nothin' really happened. I mean, it was a war an' all, but the Australians--"

"Grampa! Austrians."

"Right, Wally. So they didn't really fight much in this war, dunno why, but then the peasants got all unhappy and revolted."

"Why?"

"Who knows? They're just peasants, you know, they probably got mad because old King So and So was at war with the Pope. And a Catholic! So the revolt got squashed, and then in July 1434 the Austrians captured Bohemia after a long siege."

"Bohemia! They weren't at war with Bohemia!"

"Yes they were. Are you takin' notes?"

"Well..."

"It's a long story. Take notes. Your macadem--er, academic success is dependful on it. Without notes, how are you going to remember any of this anywho!"

"Grampa! 1434..."

"Oh, right, okay, well, um, so they declared war on the Pope...er, Hungary did actually, I wondered what they had for dinner?"

"Not funny, Grampa!"

And so the tale continued...unfortunately.