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Gold Fools - an Aztec AAR

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Gold Fools - An Aztec AAR

azteccal.jpg

this is our culture


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and this is our gold...



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1403-1428 Chimalpopoca, or , as the buddies call him, Jimmy The Magnificent

In the year 1419, Chimalpopoca(aka Jimmy) has decided to turn us into more innovative a nation, and he did it by demanding our pyramids to be built of environment friendly stones only, from now on. on january 1st, we declared war upon the Zapotec, taking fortressless Tlaxcala and Tehuanpec and easily sieging and capturing Alexico, and later declared war upon Maya and took them just as quickly.

War agaimst Zapotec
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After the union, one of our prophet-astronomist has foreseen that in the far future, or better put, the very very very very far future, there'll be new people in our empire. those people will be given nice offices in each province and a steady supply of sugar, coffee and other luxuries, and in turn will fight our horrible inflation.
Thus, in the years after the unioning of Central America, we've put all our efforts into improving our infrastructure level.
Meanwhile, our inflation outpaced our innovative policies, forcing us into a very, very slow progress, not mentioning our paganic don't-hurt-natural-harmony religion.
All the money from our census taxes was turned into fortifications.
We have also entered a royal marriage with our only known neighbors-The Navaho from the north, but despite good relations, have never succeeded to bring them into an alliance with us.

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1428-1440 Itzcoatl
1428-Itzcoatl rose to throne, and was shocked to see that not only the royal toilets were made of gold, but so were the advisory's, the noblety's and the slavery's toilets.
Being a slightly better administrator than Jimmy, he has suggested that by colonizing our immediate surrounding, we should be able to increase our non-gold income, and lower our inflation a bit.
And so, on April 6 1434, we have colonized HONDURAS, founding the colony named Honduras(our emperors are hardly creative about coming up with new colonies names. To be honest, the only thing they had a talent for was thinking of new uses for gold, which somewhat explains our poor technology).
In the end of 1434 the peasants revolted, unhappy with Itzcoatl "Anything but Gold" policy. The Emperor have sent his soldiers to kill the rebellions, and made a statement that it is his intention to drag the nation kicking and screaming into an age of Sugar and Coffee.
On the year 1440 Itzcoatl, sufferring heavy teeth problems due to excessive consuming of sugar, as part of his "Eat All The Sugar Your Body Can Handle, Then Shove Some More" campaign, had to cede the throne to his beloved dentist, Moctezuma I Ilhicamina, aka as Timothy,

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1440-1468 Moctezuma I Ilhicamina, aka as Timothy The Dentist

On June 7 1441, there was a plague in Atlexico. It was rumored that the cause of the plague was sugar poisoning, but Emperor Timothy, strictly following his predecessor's policy, has initiated his own campaign: "Mo' Suga' Mo' Money".
Given his proffesion, he really meant that.
In the year of 1442 we have finished fortificating all of our existing cities, and there was much rejoicing. The day this was announced, one of the advisors asked Emperor Timothy: "Why have we spent so much fortune on fortifications? there's no enemy in sight, and the only nation but us we know of is the friendly Navaho? Could His Goldfullness know something we don't?"
The Emperor frowned, and sentenced him to death by Gold Fattening, meaning filling the victim's stomach with molten gold. Although it didn't help our Sugar & Coffee industry one bit, we just had to store that gold SOMEWHERE.

The world as we know it
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On November 11 1450 we colonized COSTA RICA, naming the colony, you guessed it, Costa Rica, and in March 8 1462 we colonized Tampico.
on June 9 1465 some strange looking people with strange huge boats had appeared at The Emperor's court and offered to serve the Emperor, for a price, by luring Tampico Bay. The Emperor just noded and ordered a servant to hand them some of our oh so common gold. The advisors couldn't see the reason of it, but remembering the painful fate of the doubtful advisor many years ago, they shut up.

In the year 1468, after 28 years in power, Emperor Timothy decided to cede the throne to his nephew Axayacatl, and open a new clinic in our colony of Tampico, abundant in sugar and patients.
 
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the pictures aren't showing on my end.

but the humor is good. interested to see what happens when the strangers from beyond the sea arrive.
 
DUH!

i should have thought of doing that. stupid me...

it worked. thankies.
 
Duh!

When I tried to get properties my microscoff IE6 crashed on me.
I don't dare to do it again right now, but it might be a ram-leak as I have had problems with notebook as well this session, but it did ask me to send information why it crashed to their support dpt. so I can't be sure.

Oh, yes, and I can't see the pretty maps, but the other pictures are way great :)

Good luck with the sugar and the gold. Why not open a market for gold teeth, should solve both problems in one go.:D
 
Re: Duh!

Originally posted by Nikolai II
Good luck with the sugar and the gold. Why not open a market for gold teeth, should solve both problems in one go.:D
Click to expand...

lol, i wish i thought of that one myself :)
thanks for your comment. i'm sure the future holds many non-gold promises for the developing Aztecs.
 
While waiting for the strangers to come...

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1468-1481 "Toffee Coffee" Axayacatl

Axayacatl, being the young and unexperienced Emperor he was, could only come up with lousy slogans such as "Don't Be a Bugger, Have Some Sugar!", and the infamous "You Cannot Live Merely On Toffee, Be So Nice, And Have Some Coffee!"
Hence, his years of hegemony were quite boring and static, with the exception of colonizing Nicaragua on January 14 1474.

Being such a bad copywriter, it was agreed that he should retire before some mysterious accident involving heavy gold bars could happen to him, and the chairman of the government advertisement board, Tizoc, aka as His Name Is Short Enough To Leave As Is, has seized the throne.

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1481-1486 Tizoc

In the year of 1485, our astronomers have sighted a new star to the east. As they have said to The Emperor, it had showed that it had not been long before we'd meet aliens from an unknown world, and they shall teach us their new ways.

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Hernando "He Can Burn In Hell As Far As We're Concerned" Cortez, 1485-1547

Tizoc ceded the throne in 1486 in favor of his young and promising son, Ahuitzotl, so he could have made some time for finishing the musical he had been working on for many years now, "Pumas".

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1486-1502 "Golden Guts" Ahuitzotl

In the year of 1490, we have sighted an unidentified wagon crossing the northern deserts, heading to the mountains of Baja at the west coast. One of the advisors had suggested that those newcomers might have something to do with those aliens our astronomers had foreseen five years ago.
The Emperor had avoided any hasty conclusions, and ordered to send a group of soldiers to the Altar desert, so if the strangers would cross it again, we would meet them.
On the summer of 1491 our troops in Altar met another wagon. They could not understand the strangers' language, but they had managed to understand it from their gestures and maps that they were heading to Ensenada, north to Baja.

The day of December 7 1491 shall always be remembered in our glorious history as the grand opening day of a sugar refinery in Tlaxcala, proving our innovative methods fruitful. One of our subjects have invented a way for refining a liquid we named "Alcohotl" after its inventor. Our legends tell that the breakthrough was made during a period of low sugar demand. Not having enough room to store his excessive sugar canes, Alcohotl had to pile them up in his basement. Going down there one evening he couldn't disregard the heavenly smell from the decomposing pile. Emperor Ahuitzotl, being quite a fond of Alocohotl, has invented the "Golden Guts" cocktail, inspired by the traditional Gold Fattening punishment method. Alas, throughout our history, only few have dared to ask their local Alcohotleer for Golden Guts. It was rumored that the drink was much harsher an experience than Gold Fattening itself.

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our pride and joy - The Tlaxcala Refinery
 
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The aliens arrive...

On June 98 we sighted another wagon, this time heading to Altar desert, where our soldiers were waiting for the strangers! This caused much excitement at our court. "They must be really stupid aliens if they try to colonize a desert which is good for nothing but sheep rather than going for gold mines", suggested Ahuitzotl, in a most unhistorical fashion.
The wagon had established a trading post in Altar, and this is how we have met the Spanish nation, which only hated us a bit(gave us a nasty look here and there and wouldn't share their squids).
The Emperor ordered the soldiers to stay at the area and watch the strangers' ways and customs, and in 1503 they have granted us military access. Those strangers really are stupid.

On June 4 1501, a young brave man with one of those huge boats appeared at the court, willing to venture the seas beyond our knowings. Where did this aztec citizen get his boat was a mystery to us, since we still had no idea of how to build them by then. Nevertheless, the Emperor was happy with the idea, and naturally assumed that the answer to the mystery laid somehow within the strangers arrival.
The young explorer ventured to the south and east, finding more of the stranger's possessions such as Surinam, Moron and Jamaica.
The Spaniards have grown less less and less friendly over time, so we asked our explorer to find more of the undefended Spanish possessions in the Antilles, so we could keep soldiers there due to our military access and grab the undefended colonies and posts if war breaks out.
Unfortunately, Ahuitzotl has found his death before completing the prepartions for war. In the year 1502 he had made up his mind to try his notorious Golden Guts cocktail. He has never tried his own invention before, and experienced alcohotleers have tried to warn him. Queztalcoatl rest his intestines.

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1502-1520 Moctezuma II Xocoyrzin aka as "The One Who Sits In The Dark"

Moctezuma II Xocyrzin(Mike, from now on. I bet you think i do this to make it easier for me with the names. Ha! How commonly wrong. Actually, the Aztec Emperors were always anointed with simple aztek names such as Jimmy and Timothy to make it easy on their faithful subjects, who always had problems with pronouncing names like Humpa Hootle Champi Choompa or similar atrocities. Really) was known to have only little knowledge of how to run an Empire. His poor diplomatic and military abilities, and only fair administration skills, brought citizens of the empire to refer to him as "The One Who Sits In The Dark".
However, he was Ahuizotl's favorite goo goo boy, so...

In the year 1513 our explorer died, after revealing many Spanish colonies and posts. It seemed like the strangers have been here for much more than 21 years.
At the same year we sighted a spanish conquistador in the desert of Coahuilha, and have decided to declare war as soon as we have placed soldiers in as many spanish establishments as we could.
In 1515, another explorer came along, this time exploring the western side of the Central.

On March 24 1516 Spain declared war upon us. We have promptly captured Jamaica, Tortuga, and Altar, killed the conquistador and moved both north and south, sending pirates to the Greater Antilles, Puerto Rico and Jamaica.

In the year 1518, after fighting the spaniards for more than two years now, we saw they wouldn't settle for anything less than us paying them, so we burned all the trade posts we could, which was just in time, cause several days later they landed in Jamaica and beated our troops there.
Those who were sent to the north were ordered to come back, fleeing away from natives on their way so they're kept there to make it a bit tougher on the spanish.
In the south, we were victorious in Maracaibo on August, after being repulsed from there by the spanish(badly made paella was our immediate assumption), and won them again in October. On February we were finally repulsed by them again. This time we made no assumptions. Definitely paella.

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The weapon from accross the ocean
 
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Mmmmmmmmm! Looks yummy!:D
 
First Victory

At the same time, Cortez himself was sighted as he was heading towards our capital in Zacatecas. An army stood there waiting to defend against him, led by our Emperor himself. Unfortunately, Cortez has beaten Mike, but on March we have attacked in Saltillo and killed Cortez! On the very spot of his death we erected a monument worthy of a man like Cortez.

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Cortez Monument (at the artist's workshop)

On April 28 1519 we have discovoered the Chimu in south america. The only thing our Emperor could say about the news was "Gee, that's a very nice flag they carry". He wasn't bright. Not on any measure.

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an unidentified object found at the Chimu's. After seeing that, it was crystal clear our two cultures will never understand each other

Meanwhile the spanish have tried to re-establish their trade post in Tortuga, but we burned it again.

Later, Alfonso de Albuquerque(ooc: i know he's supposed to be portugal's. however i'm quite sure it was him, i have no explanation, maybe i was just tired :)) was sighted in Atlixco, so we sent an army. We also sent pirates to the bay of Atlixco, to avoid him for retreating by boarding the ship that were waiting for him.

The spanish have begun to demand Jalisco. On October we repulsed them from Maracaibo. Rebellions began emerging by then.

On June 30 1520 Emperor Mike died, ceding the throne to his even less bright nephew, Cuauhtemoc.

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1520-1618(!) Cuauhtemoc(Colin)

The moment he rose to throne, Emperor Colin has easily won the "Unbright Aztec Emperor", elegantly grabbing it from his predecessor.
Our astronomists had found that his star was shining amazingly bright. Since it couldn't mean the empror himself was bright, their second assumption was that it meant long life. A very long life.

Meanwhile we have crashed some more rebellions and continued to explore the Chimu.
It was then when we've finally noticed that the spanish conquistador we have sighted earlier in Atlixco, the one whose pick up fleet we had chased away with our pirates, was still walking Atlixco beach towards an uknown destination. Our royal therapists came up with the idea that the sight of pirate ship much more advancing than his nation's puny nut shells has jeopardized his faith in the existing way of things had been running and in the well known time-space sequence, adding up to a major scratch in his brain, so to speak.
Emperor Colin, unbright as he was, just told the therapists to shove it and suggested it was a game bug. The therapists gave him a patronizing gaze and discussed it no more.

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The conquistador and his men sort of forgetting themselves on Atlixco Beach

On December 1522 the government of Spain had fallen, leaving Maracaibo and its coffee in our hands. It was a day of joy and celebrating at the Emperor's court. Our first war and victory against the aliens from the other world. The iberian catholic people of Maracaibo weren't so happy about now having us as their rulers, and started riots here and there. We gladly suppressed the now conquered invaders, and to be honest, they were usually treated as scape goats in times of trouble, or, to be more specific, as a prime source for coffee flavored human sacrifice, and not only in times of trouble, but in times of happiness or boredom as well.
A little later Spain has declared war upon Creek. The spanish conquistador and his men were still getting high on the beach, and we just let them be.

On April 8 we have colonized fishy Isthmus, and on October 8 we have finished concentrating 12,000 soldiers in Isthmus and declared war upon Chimu.
 
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war against Chimu

First we took fortressless Cali, then took Guayaquil, fortressless as well. Then we were beaten by a much smaller force in Cajamacra. The heathens in Maracaibo have started a riot, so we sent a group of 2000 soldiers there, to later join the war on Chimu. Later we have managed to repulse the Chimu in Cajamacra, but then we sighted a huge army of 30,000 soldiers marching from Montan. We have tried fleeing to Isthmus, but they caught us at Cajamacra and defeated us.

On September 4, a suicide attack(15,000 against 20,000) on Cajamacra was ordered, and failed as expected, with serious yet moderate casualties. Btw, our inflation was 72% by then.
On March 1526 our trade infrastructure was improved(Trade 2), after many years of investment.
On March 1 1527 another desperate attack was ordered, this time sendind 24,000 soldiers, resulting in heavy casualties and a bitter defeat.
On November 1527 we established a trade post in Cupica, through which we were going to march troops southwards.

More than a year later, on March 4 1529, another attack was ordered, this time throwing 22,000 soldiers against 20,000 chimus. And this time, we prevailed.

We immediately moved to siege Montan. The siege was advancing quickly. Reinforcements were ordered from the north.
On August the second body of our army pushed the chimus from Cajamacra, then marched to help the siege of Montan, while the chimus were fleeing into a terra incognita deeper in their land.
Later, a much smaller army have managed to break our siege in Montan. grrrrrrrrr. One of our reinforcements just beated a much larger army in Guayaquil, moving on southwards.
On April 1530 the chimus repulsed us again in Montan, and a plague broke out in Jalisco. We have sieged Montan again, as Meanwhile on Atlixco beach, the main attraction of Atlixco, the spanish conquistador and his followers, finally died, probably from overdose.

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The Battle of Montan

December 1532 - A compromise. We'll have Guayaquil, after many many battles and more than eight years. They began building walls, and we knew this will make our next campaign much harder than last one. We were preparing to braek the truce!

On October 1533 came our declaration, and our army started marching.
September 1534 saw the capturing of Montan. Going through the maps at the Chimu's governement offices has revealed a new nation to us - The Inca.

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The Inca

***
And the war went on...

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Sieging Atalya

On January 1537 we received Cali, Cajamacra and Huanuco in return to peace.

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Our Empire in 1537


Ten days later, Spain declared war.
 
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I'm not sure how I missed this treasure of an AAR earlier but I'm certainly glad I found it now. What a laugh. The pictures and their captions are amazing (particularly liked the unidetified Chimu pottery object and the conquistador stuck in limbo.

Looking forward to your next exploits.
 
fighting two fronts

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Huitzilopochtli, The God of War and Sun

The Emperor vowed to sacrifice as many spanish conquistadors as he could, for they were those who led the vicious alien nation to our lands, and they were those who caused the plague in Jalisco.
We've managed to slay three conquistadors before the Inca's declaration of war in May 1539.
During the war, another conquistador was caught with his soldiers in some weird state of mind, and after beaten by one of our armies they were fleeing to Tlaxcala, probably hoping to get some free drinks from our refinery. Not today, folks. They were slain as soon as they got there. We just couldn't let them mix drugs and alcohotl.
Could be lethal.

In June we colonised Rio Granada, and till the end of the year we killed two more conquistadors, one of them being Francisco Pizarro. Leave the Incas to me, buddy.

In February 1542 Inca handed Ayacucho(NOOO!! More GOLD!!) and Lima in return for peace.
About a year later, Coronado joined the list of dispatched conquistadors, and in November 1547 we bought peace from spain for 50 ducats, since Inca had declared war a few months ago, and riots had been becoming more and more frequent.
August 13 1548 - Ayacucho back to Inca. Must let the riots rest, and our inflation is skyhigh already.
Unhappy with the unsuccessful last wars(although the taste of conquistadors flesh must have been pleasant for Huitzilopoetcetra), the peasants revolted on January 6 1549. Or maybe they were jealous of the spaniards for having christmas?

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aztecs getting ready for their first christmas. yes, they were actually going to use dead chickens as christmas tree ornaments. notice the foreign time travellers in the background

The revolters were all executed for heresy. Santa was caught and given the forced alcohotl treat, making it hard for him to ride his sled properly, resulting in presents meant for the children of the spanish colonies(most popular was "The Young Inquisitor Kit", consisting of a small yet operative splint and a couple of rusty pliers) reaching Kamchatka. oops. It was then when Rudolph actually became a red nose deer.

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a spanish fleet helps us by blockading a rebel held city. coexsistence might be possible after all

In the winter of 1553 we finally ended all revolts, and Inca declared war on us, then sieged Lima with 40,000 soldiers.
Spain declared war in January 1558. Chimu joined the party about a month later.

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He's been living in his own private Navaho. The Saltillo regiment was positioned in navaho territory and was used for capturing spanish trade posts in this area, then retreating back to navaho area. its service was no longer needed as the trade posts were replaced by permanent spanish colonies during periods of peace

March 1561 saw another dead conquistador. It might seem silly to document each one of them, but when you play the aztecs a stone is being lifted with each one of them falling dead.

May 1561 - Inca pay 350 for peace. Would have went on with that war and getting some provinces instead, but the revolts, the revolts...
July 1562 - Paying spain 50d for peace. buh-bye.

Our inflation is around 100% by now.
 
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