Pull the Pin and Count to Five ...

Translator's Preface

Greetings readers,

The following work, The Compleat Hiftory of the Granadan Empire, was originally written in Arabic, as its intended audience was the people of Granada. However, the Grand Council has, for reasons known only to themselves, seen fit to order it translated into "Christian languages", presumably to help educate the wayward souls of the various Christian cults as to the finer points of the history of civilized man. This particular translation is obviously in the language of the Anglican peoples of Brittania. Why the Grand Council would want a work composed in our beautiful language to be translated into the primitive, guttural language of the Angles is beyond my power of reasoning. It is especially odd when one considers that the Anglish language is spoken by very few people, while most of the civilized world knows Arabic. But, strange as it might be, a Council order is a Council order, so here is the ordered translation.

I must admit this task was quite difficult. Many Arabic words have no direct Anglish translation. One such example is the word ahkam-al-firkisshah, which as anyone with a minimal education knows is an ifreet-like demon believed by followers of the Prophet to inhabit criminals, Christians, lawyers, and other such evil persons. Since the Anglish culture has no corresponding creature, and since ahkam-al-firkisshah are usually portrayed as having cloven-hoofed feet, I have chosen to use the phrase "demonic swine". I believe this does not severely alter the context of the original author's prose.

It was also very difficult to appropriately translate ahkam-khalishnahlidah, an extremely offensive term used to describe the leader of the Christian church before it was reduced to the minority cult it is today. Literally, it means "Excrement-eating Leader of the Infidels". I have chosen not to use the literal translation. Instead, after much research, I have learned that the Christians, centuries ago, referred to the leader of their church as the "Pope", and I have used this word in this translation. Similarly, I have substituted "Rome" and/or "the Vatican" for ahkam-khalishnahlidahut ("Den of the Excrement-eating Leader of the Infidels"). I sincerely hope this does not cause the fact that the "Pope" was a servant of evil to be lost on the Anglish readers of this text.

As a final note, I must mention that I have taken the liberty of deleting all of the highly offensive expletives present in some of the original documents contained in this text. The reason for this is that Arabic, being a far more developed language than Anglish, has many more expletives. There are over thirty Arabic words for human excrement, but only two Anglish words. This is nothing compared to the immense disparity in each language's lexicon of expletives used to refer to sexual intercourse. Rather than attempt to assign certain Arabic expletives to certain Anglish expletives, I have decided to simply transcribe any expletive as <expletive>. I do hope the original authors' context is not lost.

Faithfully yours,

Abdul Linkhahkhah
Professor Emeritus, Heathenical Culture Studies
University of Al-Andalus
Empire of Granada

Author's Preface

To the Honorable Lord Meshif, Chairman of the Historical Preservation Committee, Grand Council of Granada:

Glory to Allah and His elite servants, the people of Granada!

It has now been six weeks since I was tasked by Your Lordship to compile a complete history of our glorious nation. In such time I have done considerable research and amassed countless texts and documents and I am pleased to herewith disclose the first installment of my Compleat Hiftory of the Granadan Empire. It is my hope that Your Lordship will be pleased with the thoroughness and exhaustiveness of this work, and my sincerest wish that it one day be included in the collection of the Imperial Library in Grenada.

This first installment tells, in minutest detail, of the event considered by all Granadans to be the cornerstone of our history, the War of Castilian Aggression. I have been able to reconstruct many hitherto little-known facts regarding many of the pivotal battles of this landmark campaign, piecing together strands of the story from battlefield correspondence and Royal diaries which, undoubtedly by the grace of Allah, have survived all these long years. Where appropriate, I have included such documents or excerpts from them in the text.

I have also included, in Appendix the First, maps denoting the extent of our unrivalled Empire as well as the extent of various nations inhabited by the dog-eating Christian infidels. While I know that Your Lordship, by the very position he holds, posesses a knowledge of geography far superior to mine own, I felt including such maps would make the text more complete and more understandable for all the ignorant, conquered Christians the Empire has clogging up her educational system.

Should Your Lordship not be pleased with my laboriously crafted work, I would humbly ask him to please schedule my execution one week hence, so as to afford me proper time to sell my slaves, will my estate, and perform all the necessary small tasks one must do before having one's head removed.

Always Your Lordship's servant,

Omar Al-Doormat
Chief Historian
Empire of Granada

Chapter the First - The War of Castilian Aggression

Being the history of the war that founded an Empire

Part the First - The Ambition of Juan II

Juan II, Infidel King of the nation of Castile, is perhaps the most unwittingly influential person in the history of the world. The child of a Andalusian whore and a mongrel dog found in Galicia, Juan II, known to most Granadans as Juan the Badger-<expletive>, possessed all the inherent traits of a Castilian monarch: unfathomable stupidity, head-turning ugliness, and chronic halitosis. At the impressionable age of twelve, Juan was severely kicked in the head by a three-legged horse (Castilian horse-breeding expertise was so lacking that they did not even know that horses are supposed to have four legs). This traumatic experience was to drive Juan even more insane than most Castilians.

According to Castilian texts found during the occupation of Toledo in the War of Castilian Aggression, the demonic force that Christians call "The Holy Spirit" told Juan that he must drive the "Moops" out of the Iberian peninsula. Juan, knowing nothing of any "Moops", asked the Spirit if perhaps it meant he was to drive the Moors out of Europe. The demon then implied that "Moors" is precisely the word it used, and that only an idiot would make the mistake of saying "Moops". Of course, such a story, while likely fictional, is not entirely unfathomable. Since all Christians are known to be rather unintelligent, it follows that their god and its servants are equally daft.

Nevertheless, Juan II, convinced that he was acting at the will of the Christian god, ordered that war be immediately declared upon the Kingdom of Granada, the last heavenly bastion of Muslim civilization (or Moorish civilization, to the Christians) on the Iberian Peninsula. The following is a letter sent by Juan II to King Muhammad VIII of Granada (Also known as Muhammad the Left-Handed):

January 6, 1419*

To Whom it May Concern:

The Kingdom of Castile, having been charged by God to rid Iberia of ...

(at this point the word "Moopish" appears, but is crossed out)

... Moorish influence, hereby declares that a state of war exists between the people of Castile and the so-called "people" of Granada. Furthermore, the Kingdom of Castile decrees that should any Granadan armies oppose this effort, Castile will, upon her foretold victory, ceremoniously <expletive> all of the badgers within a fifteen-league radius of the city of Grenada, as punishment for not surrendering like a proper beaten foe.

Looking forward to sending you to Hell,

Juan II
King of Castile


Such an inflammatory letter would cause most kings to respond in kind, but as seen below in King Muhammad's response, the Granadan monarch wished to stay above such Philistine acts:

January 8, 1419

Dear Juan the Badger-<expletive>,

Having received your poorly-written declaration of war, I hereby declare that if the Castilian people wish for war, then war shall soon be upon them. Further, I assure you that the Granadan army will not surrender to Castile, and that you may have all the badgers you wish to <expletive> from the entire Kingdom of Granada. If you truly wish to fight a war against armies that run away, I suggest you declare war on France.

Finally, I must in the name of fairness inform you that I have ordered copies of your declaration be sent to my allies, the Kingdoms of Fez and Algiers. I have no doubt that they will leap at the chance to assist Granada in the glorious slaughter of your pathetic army.

May Allah smite you, and smite you good.

Muhammad the Left-Handed
King of Granada


The War of Castilian Aggression had thus begun.

*Translator's Note- I have chosen to represent all dates in the text using the Christian calendar, quite a challenging feat considering how woefully inaccurate it is compared to the Muslim calendar. - A.L.

OOC

Dear Readers,

At this point I wish to pause for some sleep, but before I retire for the night, I'd just like to apologize for the agonizing slowness with which this first installment appears to be moving. I thought it necessary to carefully set up my narrator, as well as the Translator, who will be making intermittent comments from time to time, as seen in the note at the end of my last post. As a result of this over-attentiveness to detail, I believe the rest of the AAR will have a more authentic feel to it.

Let me also assure you that Mr. Al-Doormat's Hiftory will not consist of an endless string of "and then"-style paragraphs. If his text was that boring, it would surely put Lord Meshif to sleep, and that would prove quite fatal for Mr. Al-Doormat.

I'm sure everyone is wondering what the heck this Grand Council is ... let's just save that as a little mystery to be cleared up later.

Finally, let me assure you that the War of Castilian Aggression has already been fought. Alas, at this hour I lack the mental strength required to relate its tale. I promise that the tale WILL be told tomorrow. And I also promise that many Castilians who deserve to die (don't they all?) will be pushing up posies by the end of this war.

TTFN
- Bill

Chapter the First - The War of Castilian Aggression

Part the Second: Mafra's Plan

As promised in Muhammad the Left-Handed's response to the Castilian declaration of war, his first course of action was to call upon Granada's allies, the kingdoms of Fez and Algiers, both of which were located just south, across the Mediterranean Sea from Granada. The alliance was a tenuous one at best. Fez and Algiers had been engaged in a war with Portugal for several years now, and in 1417, when Granada was admitted to the Fez-Algiers alliance, Muhammad refused to declare war upon Portugal. It was one thing, he reasoned, to fight Portugal when the sea separates your kingdoms. It was quite another to fight the Portuguese when the only thing between you and them was a Castilian-controlled Al-Andalus.

Relations between Fez and Granada were thus considerably strained. The recent Portuguese occupation of Tangiers certainly did not help, either. Nevertheless, King Muhammad was still quite surprised when he received word that Fez had refused to declare war on Castile. While he surely did not expect Fez to commit any troops to the battle, the moral support of having another ally against Castile would have been uplifting to Granada's apprehensive armed forces. But, happier news was soon forthcoming, as detailed in the following letter:

January 8, 1419

Dear Ally and Friend of the Algerian People:

I have recently heard of the terrible news regarding the overt act of aggression on the part of Castile. I have also received word that our besieged ally, Fez, has refused to come to your aid, not even in word. Such news infuriates the Court of Algiers, so much so that I have ordered all Algerian troops to be withdrawn from Fez, and have sent word to Uthman the Unfaithful, as he shall forever be known, that Algiers plans on pursuing a separate peace with Portugal, and thus by his own devices he damns his kingdom to fight alone.

As for the yeasty Castilian hordes, rest easy my friend. The mighty Algerian Navy shall send their pathetic dingys to the bottom of the sea. We will not allow Granada to be cut off from her allies! As soon as naval superiority has been achieved, we shall land troops on the shores of Murcia and take this fight to the Christians' mud-hut homes!

May Allah guide you and bless your mighty armies.

Your loyal friend,

`Abd al-Wâhid
King of Algiers


While such words of encouragement were most welcome, words were not what Granada needed. The Castilian Army had amassed their forces in Andalusia, and invasion seemed imminent. The Granadan national army consisted of 15,000 infantry and 2000 cavalry, while Castile had at her disposal 35,000 infantry, 5,000 infantry, and 2 cannons that were undoubtedly stolen from a more advanced kingdom somewhere. The only advantage the Granadans had was the fact that they were trained for combat in mountainous terrain, while the Castilians specialized in fighting the titanic pitched battles commonly fought on the plains of Europe.

It was a very uneasy King Muhammad who, on January 9, 1419 summoned his chief military advisor and general of the Granadan army, Farid Mafra. Mafra proposed that Granada fight a defensive war, holding up in the city of Grenada and letting the Castilians come to them. If the Castilians moved to besiege Gibraltar, Granada would not strike camp, conceding the strategic province overlooking the Straits in favor of retaining their defensive advantage. While Muhammad was not wholly thrilled with the prospect of letting Gibraltar fall into Christian hands, he deferred to Mafra. He still, however, was not convinced that Granada could beat the Castilians if they chose to come right for the capital. Mafra was much more confident. In fact, he convinced the king to throw a grand feast for the troops at the end of the month, to "celebrate Granada's impending victory". Many pheasants were roasted, and the Granadan army's celebration could be heard in Castile's encampment, much to the chagrin of the Castilian generals present within.

Somewhat surprisingly, the Castilians did not besiege Gibraltar, and instead chose to engage the Granadans head on, with the hope of crushing their army in one titanic battle. And so it was that on February 26, 1419, the Castilian army, over 40,000 strong, met the 17,000-man Granadan defense force. The battle which ensued was to be the first of many such conflicts at the gates of the Granadan capital, but because it was the largest and most dramatic of the War of Castilian Aggression, it has been dubbed by historians as the Battle of Grenada.

Chapter the First - The War of Castilian Aggression

Part the Third: A Slippery Situation

The Castilian battle plan was simple: a full frontal assault up the Granadan Mountains to engage the Granadan Royal Army. A simple plan for a simple-minded army. And one doomed to fail. The initial stages of the battle were favorable to Castile. While hindered by the mountainous terrain, the sheer numbers of the Castilian infantry threatened to break the Granadan lines. However, the Castilian cavalry, with their three-legged steeds, was ill-equipped to ride up the slopes to join the battle. The Granadan cavalry saw this and bravely stormed down the hill, hacking the Castilian horsemen to pieces. Fully half of them were slain when they beat a hasty retreat. Mafra, upon seeing this victory, rallied his men and impressed upon them to hold the line.

The Granadan lines held, and the cavalry rode back up the mountains to engage the Castilian hordes from behind. Upon seeing the defeat of their own cavalry and recognizing that they would soon be outflanked, the Castilian lines weakened. Granadan horsemen began removing Castilian heads from Castilian shoulders with their mighty scimitars. Panic beset the Castilian ranks, and an all-out retreat was issued. But there was nowhere to run. Frantically, the Castilian soldiers began attacking the Granadan cavalry at their rear.

Faced with the possible loss of his valuable cavalry, Mafra at last gave the signal for his master plan to be put into action. He reared up in his saddle and roared the battle-cry that would echoed by the Granadan army for generations to come: "Grease 'em up!" The cavalry heard the signal, and immediately parted like the Red Sea. The Castilians, conceiving themselves to have been let out of the trap, began to retreat down the mountain. At this point, the stored pheasant grease, which was collected from the pre-battle feast, was sent pouring down the side of the mountain. The result was a mountainside so slippery that not even the most sure-footed mountain goat could scale it. The scene was horrendous. Castilians sliding, rolling, and falling down the mountain, falling onto each other, onto the craggy rocks, and onto their own pikes and swords. The Castilian cannons were even smashed to pieces as they slid down the mountain. By the end of the day, some 8,000 Castilian bodies, including the 2,500 cavalry casualties, lay, broken and bloodied, in pools of congealing grease. The Granadans had successfully defended their capital, and had taken fewer than half the casualties they inflicted on the hapless Castilians.

The war, however, was far from over.

Chapter the First - The War of Castilian Aggression

Part the Fourth: The Toledo Gambit

Following their defeat at the Battle of Grenada, the Castilian forces were so demoralized that they were unable to form a second attack for five whole months. By that time, Granada had trained new troops to replace her losses in the first battle. Castilian replacements had not yet arrived, as they had to march from Castilla and other northern provinces in order to join the main force gathered in Andalusia. Thus, they stared up the mountains and saw a Granadan army with renewed confidence, ready for the next Castilian assault.

This time, the Castilians tried to be crafty. They split their forces in two, and simultaneously attacked from the provinces of Murcia and Andalusia, presumably in an attempt to outflank the Granadan forces in a pincer attack. This would prove to be a colossal blunder, as the Granadans, with their better mobility through the mountains, were quite able to repel one force and then rush across the province to rout the other.

After that failure, the Castilians in early September of 1419 tried an all-cavalry assault. Again, the three-legged horses had difficulty climbing the steep, still-greasy slopes, and Castile's cavalry forces were massacred by the Granadans. All but 500 horsemen of Castile's grand cavalry were slain. The Castilians tried one last desperate attack to take Grenada before the winter, but it was not to be. By now the two forces had roughly an equal number of infantry (about 17,000), but now Granada possessed the mounted advantage. The Castilian forces never got within sight of the city, and were pursued by Granadan horsemen to the border.

Mafra sensed total victory was at hand. He begged King Muhammad to allow him to pursue the Castilian forces into Andalusia and destroy them, leaving all of Castile to be looted and eviscerated by the Granadan army. But Muhammad refused, insisting that Mafra wait until the next graduating class of the Grenada Military Academy could be fully trained. In March of 1420, the recruits were ready, and Mafra lead the Granadan army across the border into Andalusia. The war had finally come to Castile.

Alas, Muhammad's delay cost the Granadans dearly. Castile had rebuilt her cavalry, and her superiority in open-terrain pitched battles helped her win the field. Mafra attacked again in October with a larger force, but Castile had also sent reinforcements to the front, and again Granada was repelled. Meanwhile, in the Gulf of Almeria, the Algerian navy was bravely engaging the navy of Castile. While the Algerians were losing nearly every battle, they were slowly attritioning away the Christian sea-dogs. Algerian land support seemed far in the future.

The birth of 1421 saw the conflict in a near stalemate, with equal-sized Granadan and Castilian forces staring at each other across the Andalusian border. In February, Mafra hatched a daring plan: he would detach a force of 5,000 men under the command of his trusted friend, Yasir Nasser, to defend the Granadan capital, while leading the rest of his force to Toledo, to besiege the Castilian financial center. If Mafra succeeded in seizing the gold mines of Toledo, the Castilian war machine would be dealt a severe blow. The king reluctantly acquiesced, and Granadan forces surrounded Toledo on February 6.

Upon hearing of the siege, the Castilian commanders immediately struck camp and marched to Toledo to break the siege. But again, the Granadan mastery of the mountains proved fatal for Castile. Unfortunately, the Castilians, in an incredible display of intelligence, realized that if the bulk of the Granadan army was besieging Toledo, then Granada must be nearly undefended. The Castilians sent wave after wave of attacks against Granada, but the brave defenders held, despite being hopelessly outnumbered. They even grew so confident as to taunt the invaders by waving badgers in the air as they retreated down the mountains. Fortress Granada appeared invincible, and the siege in Toledo was going well. Mafra's gamble seemed to be paying off. But a dark cloud loomed on the horizon, and it threatened to extinguish the bright flame of Granada's victory.

Chapter the First - The War of Castilian Aggression

Part the Fifth: Stacking the Deck

On May 6, 1421, disaster befell Granada. Portugal, having emptied the royal treasury of Fez at the conclusion of their long war, declared war on Granada. The letter sent to King Muhammad was simple. It was on Royal Portuguese letterhead, and the only words were: You should have killed us when you had the chance. Now you die. Indeed, Muhammad cursed himself for not coming to the aid of Fez years ago. Now, Portugal and Castile were allied against Granada and Algiers. Muslim civilization in Europe seemed doomed.

The combined forces of Portugal and Castile were too much for Yasir Nasser and his brave regiment. While they repelled the first two waves, the third proved too strong, and Nasser was forced to retreat to Gibraltar in September of 1421. For the first time since the outset of hostilities, Grenada was besieged. All seemed lost.

The New Year saw Nasser attempt a daring counterattack to break the siege, but he was repelled by the Portuguese. Worse yet, Castile sent reinforcements to help bolster the Portuguese forces, and even brought a battalion of "exotic dancers" to improve their morale. King Muhammad brooded in his palace. His depression shows in this excerpt from the Royal Diaries:

April 1, 1422

We are surrounded by the heathens. Every morning I must listen to their hymns, and every night I must listen to them <expletive> the poor badgers caught outside the city walls. All the world seems very gray. Perhaps Allah is not with us after all. Perhaps He means for us to die as martyrs. Well, I vow I shall not be taken prisoner. When the <expletive> Christians break through the walls, I shall take up my sword and slay as many of those <expletive> <expletive> that I can. And before they kill me I shall ...

(Here the text is far too offensive to be reproduced in a history text)

... If only Mafra were here. We have not heard word from him for some time. I fear he is lost along with his army. I fear we are all lost.

What the king did not know was that Mafra's silence was deliberate. The siege of Toledo was going very well, and he wished to surprise the king when he returned to Grenada. He did not know his king's palace was besieged, else he would have abandoned Toledo and rushed back to the capital. Finally, on April 8, Toledo finally surrendered. The Castilian gold mines were in Granadan hands.

Mafra rushed back to Granada to find the city under siege. Infuriated, he immediately attacked the Christian armies. In an incredible stroke of luck, Nasser, having struck camp in Gibraltar, simultaneously attacked the Christians from their rear. The Granadans routed the heathens, sending them fleeing back across the border to Andalusia. A triumphant Mafra and Nasser warmly greeted each other, and a grateful King bade them into the palace to discuss further war plans.

The high-water mark of Castilian aggression had passed. Soon, the dirty Christians would pay dearly for underestimating Granada.

Chapter the First - The War of Castilian Aggression

Part the Sixth: A Peace of the World

The victory at Grenada could not have come at a better time. Portugal had recently received their peace settlement from Fez only to learn that all 250 ducats of it was gilded lead. For once, the Christians had been outswindled. This, combined with their expenses from the failed Granada campaign, forced them to broker a peace deal with Muhammad. They demanded 100 ducats for peace. Muhammad was more than willing to give it to them, but the royal treasury only contained 9d. Granada could not take out more loans: the kingdom was already indebted to the sum of 400d. Then, Muhammad's legal counsel, Omar Rahman-Shyster, discovered some "fine print" at the bottom of the peace deal that read "or the full contents of the Royal Treasury, whichever is lower". The "fine print" looked curiously like Rahman-Shyster's handwriting. But, seeing as the king of Portugal had already signed the treaty, Muhammad signed it as well, "fine print" and all, and thus the idiot Portuguese were twice swindled in the space of a few months. Granada had purchased peace with Portugal for the grand sum of 9 ducats.

Mafra saw total victory again within his grasp. He ordered the Army of Granada split into two halves: the Andalusian Invasionary Force (AIF) and the Murcia Liberation Army (MLA). Nasser was to lead the AIF into Andalusia, and Mafra would lead the MLA into Murcia. The goals: liberate the Muslims of those provinces and crush the Castilian army once and for all!

The plan was a resounding success. Without Portuguese help, the Castilians were utterly routed by Granada, fleeing north. Curiously enough, as both armies settled in for their sieges, King Muhammad received an incredibly offensive letter, which cannot be repeated here, from the tiny kingdom of Navarra to the north. He toyed with the idea of declaring war, then thought the better of it and dismissed the insult as typical of the average Christian monarch's inferiority complex.

Meanwhile, on the battlefield, Nasser's position was threatened by a new Castilian army with a highly-toted commander by the name of Alvaro de Luna, nicknamed by Granadan forces as "Alvaro the Loony". Despite the jeers, de Luna was quite an able military commander. With a force of only 10,000 infantry and no cavalry, he was able to break Nasser's siege of Sevilla. But Nasser would get his revenge. In his counterattack, he was able to surround de Luna's forces, who were massacred by the bloodthirsty Granadans. de Luna himself was captured and sent back to Grenada. King Muhammad ordered him tied to a stake and fed to the badgers that were molested by his countrymen one year before.

Nasser's second siege was successful, as was Mafra's siege of Murcia. Frantically, Juan II sued for peace, offering the provinces of Murcia and Andalusia. The decision laid before the King was very difficult. On one hand, Granada appeared to be winning the war, and taking Toledo in addition to Murcia and Andalusia still seemed feasible. But the years of war had ravaged the Granadan economy, and the kingdom lacked the funds to raise more troops. Castile, on the other hand, had rebuilt their army, swelling its ranks to over 20,000 men, equal to that of Granada. And more troops were being built. Muhammad was loath to let Castile off the hook, but continuing the war could have cost Granada all of her gains and then some. Reluctantly, on July 1, 1424, he accepted the peace deal. The War of Castilian Aggression was over.

In retrospect, Muhammad need not have been depressed at the war's result. Despite being viciously attacked by two powerful enemies, Granada had fought back her attackers, liberating territory long in the hands of her nemesis. Granada had doubled in size (see Map of Granada, 1425 in Appendix the First ), and Islam's foothold in Europe would not be lost after all.

Now, Muhammad the Left-Handed faced another challenge: rebuilding a country ravaged by war.