Manchu Manchu Man!!!

Chapter One

The Smitten Lover

Mengge Temur was in a foul mood. A mean, dispirited mood. The kind of mood that induces homicidal tendencies. A ‘Slaughter, main, mutilate and destroy’ kind of mood. A mood best suited for murdering your enemies, but not a mood well suited to placate your mother in law.

Unfortunately for Mengge, placating his mother in law was the order of the day. Slaughter, mutilation, rape and murder would have to take second row, wait in line and take rein check. Because today Kantte Rumek had chosen to visit her least liked son in law.

“You ignorant son of a pig farmer! Muck dwelling sheep loving mendicant! Insignificant Khan wannabee!” Mengge automatically started tuning out his mother in laws tirade. It was hard to ignore a 500 pound walking mountain of lard, who (rumours said) once raped a bear. But Mengge had had years of practice. Ever since he’d been swooned by the beautiful temptress Inite Rumek almost a decade earlier, taken her virtue and then been dragged by his codlings by Kantte before the clan elders. Saying no to marrying Inite was out of the question; jumping off the top off a cliff into a giant ravine filled with adders would be preferable. By a wide margin.

“Pay attention when I’m talking to you, you drunken lout.”

Mengge looked up belatedly, and got a fat forearm across the cheek for his efforts. Momentarily stars burst all around him, and there was a great roaring sound in his ears. Pretty much like when he accidentally fell into a river as a young boy and was carried over the waterfall. On second thought it was worse, the waterfall was clean. Kantte was not.

“Sorry oh wonder of the skies, what is it that I can do for heavens most radiate daughter.” The flattery won Mengge a respite while the female mountain giggled. The giggling went on before the smile fled the broad face and Kantte continued.

“I want you to enslave your neighbours and turn Manchu into a great nation. Or have your privates removed with tongs. Either suits me.”

“Your wish is my command, oh obese mother of my love.”

This time the forearm blow left the poor Khan insensate, which was much preferable to being around Kantte.



Mengge woke up much later as someone poured a generous helping of ice-cold water over his head. Spluttering the Khan looked up into the grinning face of his boyhood friend and rival Timur. The two had both wooed the beautiful Inite, before Mengge won her over. Timur had always been lucky that way.

“Timur my old friend, I am doomed.”

Timur grinned (as usual). “That you are. There is no way you can fulfil your fat mother in laws hunger for power, but maybe a small border raid will buy time?”

“We did that last year, and she beat me senseless for it. Then took off with all my loot.”

“Can’t be helped, and it beats dying.”

“I’m not too sure of that…”

Out of the corner of his eye, Mengge noticed a shooting star. He closed his eyes for a moment and muttered a quick prayer for the death of his mother in law. A screaming sound made him open them again, but unfortunately it was not the death cries of the old harridan. It was the heavens deciding to punish him for his lack of respect for his elders, the shooting star was coming right at him.

“AAAaaaaaaaaaaargh”

**THUD**

Update

You know the saying "It never rains, but it pours?". I think it pretty much describes my personal life at the moment. It started a while back when my grandma was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I live nearby so I've been fortunate enough to see her regularily over the last couple of months. Unfortunately I am a complete sissy so seeing her fading kinda sorta breaks me up.

In order to cheer myself up, I decided to buy a Playstation 2 for some beat'em up gaming and also to use as a DVD player. Seeing as I got around 70+ DVD's and can only watch them on my computer, I really should get one. Being the clever son of gun that I am I opted for QXL.no, and online auction company.

Guess who got ripped off.

Then Saturday a little over a week ago I got the dreaded phonecall, grandma is now on her last ropes. I head over to the old folks home and together with my close relatives we sit by her deathbed. Damn it was painful watching her fight. Some three hours later and her condition is still the same, so I head out to get something to eat. (And a break, because I'm an inch away from breaking down completely). Needless to say grandma dies 20 minutes later, and I'm not there. Partly I'm relieved since I really don't want to see a person I love die, and partly I feel like a completely useless bastard for not being there.

Later the same day my Dreamcast explodes when I turn it on. *poof* *lotsa black smoke*

Fast forward to this weekend and grandmas burial, I'm a pall bearer and am crying a lot. Didn't know I had it in me.

Got back to work yesterday, and whaddyaknow, I'm laid off. Fired. Etc.

Ah feck 'em, I wasn't happy here anyway!

Of course while I'm trying to absorb (and repress) all this, a good friend of mine sends me a SMS saying that she's got cancer. I mean c'mon here, did I like pull the anti lottery ticket of the decade? 'Luckily' it turns out that she hasn't consulted a doctor about it yet, and that it is her own diagnosis. I've ordered her to see a doctor post haste.

Head First

Mengge can’t breath. Some substance fills his mouth and nose, and someone’s hands are pushing him down, down into a stream. By the feel of it, it is someone obese and strong. Somehow he knows that it is his wicked mother in law. He struggles futilely to get up, but like in the nightmares he just can’t move. Hang on, this IS a nightmare.

And Mengge wakes up face down in a pool of mud. Weakly he struggles to his knees, regretting each movement as it feels like his melon might split open at any time.

“It’s about bloody time you woke up, laddie.”

“Huh? Who’s there?” The Khan looks around, but grasslands are empty.

“Down here, you thick headed oaf!”

“Mother in law? Is that you? Why are you hiding? Why did you hit me?”

“It is not your mother in law, look down… yes down!”

And Mengge sees a head lying on the ground. It has long greying hair and an impressive beard. It also sports an impressive bruise on the forehead.

“Heh…. I am hallucinating. That is it! I fell down, hit my head and this is all just a strange dream!”

The head rolls its eyes and sighs.

“It is not a dream, you schmuck! We accidentally met head to head, you passed out and now you are awake again. By the way, who is Kantte?”

“Kantte is an old she bear who claims to have mothered the light of my life, Inite Rumek. She is also the same she wolf that will cut off my privates unless I by some miracle can beat the Chinese at war.”

The head smiled. “Mengge my man, together we will do exactly that. We will crush the Chinese, reap their harvests and harvest their women.”

‘Great’ thought Mengge. ‘Just what I needed, a megalomaniac head.

“Mengge… by the way, which country am I in?”

“Why Manchu, of course!”

The head groaned.

Language barriers

“So Mengge, basically what you’re telling me is that we got more men in the army than we can afford, because we’ll basically hire anyone with two arms and two legs? The aristos got complete power over the serfs, but you wield little influence over day-to-day policies in the realm? Trade is almost completely controlled by your mother in law and we have no ships?”
“Uhm well… that depends…” Mengge looked thoughtful, something that was quite unbecoming on his rather simple face.

“Upon what?” the head asked.

“What is a ship?”

The head groaned.


For more than a year Mengge held off his mother in law by feeding her whatever delicacies he could (literally) dig up, but as 1419 neared its end so did his mother in laws temper. The local blacksmith was charged with blunting a huge pair of scissors, and Mengge was growing ever more desperate. As for China she had secured alliances with both the Dai Viet and Korea. Things looked bleak.

“Mimir, you got to produce some kind of miracle! She is going to neuter me as soon as the blacksmith finishes blunting those scissors!” Mengge was walking frantically around in circles. In the middle of the room the head of Mimir rested comfortably on a velvet pillow placed on a pedestal.

“Don’t you realize that after she finishes with me, she’ll do something fiendish to you? The spirits of my ancestors alone knows what that depraved she thing would do to you, but being covered in honey and put in an ant hill would be your last concerns!”

The head looked calmly at his puppet king before answering in a condescending tone.

“If you were the ruler of China…”

“If only, if only I was the legendary Yongle…” Mengge got a dreamy look in his eyes. “If I ruled the greatest court in the world with dozens of nubile young women at my beck and call…”

“Then Inite would be cutting off your balls instead of her mother. Now shut up and listen. If you were the ruler of China, away for a short visit to the shrine of your ancestors and on coming back surprised your nubile young women in the act of copulation with the Korean and Dai Viet ambassadors…. How would you react?”

Mengge once again looked thoughtful. Minutes passed and Mimir found it best to interrupt the great thinker.

“Well? What would you do?”

“What does copulation mean?”

The head groaned again. “It means FUCKING you muscle bound moron!”

“Aha! I’d have them both strung up by their balls, their eyes put out after their balls had been torn off and then…”

“Thank you for that wonderful explanation Mengge. Is it fair to say that the alliance between the three would fall apart?”

“Oh yes!”

And Mengge was quite right; when Emperor Yongle discovered the state of affairs he did unmentionable things to the ambassadors and sent their mangled remains back to their respective countries along with a message that the alliance was off. The Koreans claimed that the Dai Viet was behind it all and broke off contact too.

Which left China without allies. Such a happy state of affairs.

“Great Emperor Yongle, son of the heavens. There is a stinking, filthy Manchu barbarian who claims to be a diplomat here to see you.”

The great emperor looked up from his game of Go, slightly bemused to hear that a representative of their pathetic northern neighbour had travelled all the way to his capitol.

“It would amuse me to see the barbarian, send for him and a translator.”

A translator appeared within twenty heartbeats, and the barbarian walked into the great hall just behind him. Immediately the hall started smelling of sheep dung and cheap liquor.

Yongle:
“Speak your affairs, barbarian scum!”

Translator:
“The great Emperor Yongle, the mandate of the heavens wishes to hear your message.”

Manchu man picks his nose and clears his throat noisily before speaking.
“The great Khan Mengge is coming over to beat your fat ass and rape your women. We the great warriors of Manchu will ride rough shod through your villages and kill you all.”

Translator:
“Oh Great Emperor of the Middle Kingdom, it is with great regret the war mongering people of Manchu declares that there must be bloodletting between our two realms. He further apologies for his foul presence in your sacred halls.”

Yongle looks slightly suspicious at his translator before answering:
“Pathetic barbarian, the superior Han people will ground you underfoot and enslave your country. Be glad to leave with your stinking hide intact!”

Translator:
“Please tell your leader that the Chinese people will meet you at the fields of battle, and expect honourable warfare to commence. He regrets that you must leave immediately and miss the tea ceremony. ”

Manchu man also looks slightly suspicious at the translator:
“Hahahaha, next time we meet you will lick my boots Chinese dog!”

Translator:
“The man laughs with nervous relief that your greatness has seen fit to let him leave with his health intact.”

Yongle’s brows narrow and he gazes at his translator a long time before finishing:
“Run off now, you pathetic piece of Manchu excrement. Run back to your master and tell him to prepare for death!”

Translator:
“Goodbye oh diplomat of the Manchu nation. Return to your master!”

Timur left the Emperors palace surprised at the Chinese rulers lack of balls, it bode well for the war.

Masters of Disasters...

“Love of my life, light of my soul and loins, I am here to…”

**Whack!*’

Kantte landed a most satisfying blow with her horse crop over the backside of her lazy, good for nothing son in law.

“How dare you **WHACK** show your ugly face **WHACK** around here **WHACK** **WHACK** **OUCH** without having beat China?”

Mengge stopped running around the fireplace to answer, and received another couple of blows for his efforts.

“But mother in law, I have declared war. I just came by to take farewell with my wife.”

“Save it for later dog breath!”

And with that merry seeing off Mengge joined his troops on the way to fight China. It was the second day of March 1420.

40 000 thousand infantrymen and 30 000 cavalrymen joined with him, all on their way to battle and glory against the Han. As they rode south, you could hear them sing in unison:

“Body, wanna feel my body, body, baby, such a thrill, my body
Body, wanna touch my body, body, baby, it's too much, my body
Body, check it out, my body, body, baby, don't you doubt, my body
Body, talking about my body, body, baby, checking out my body

Listen here

Every man wants to be a Manchu man
To have the kind of body always in demand
Joggin' in the mornings, go man go
Work up to the hill's top, muscles grow
You can best believe me
He's a Manchu man
Glad he took you down with anyone you can
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

Manchu, Manchu man
I gotta be a Manchu man
Manchu Manchu man
I gotta be a Manchu

Manchu, Manchu man
I gotta be a Manchu man
Manchu Manchu man
I gotta be a Manchu

Body, my body, body, wanna feel my body
Body, baby, body, body, come and thrill my body
Body, baby, body, body, love to funk, my body
Body, baby, body, body, it's so hot, my body

So hot, yeah my body
Allright

Everyman ought to be a Manchu, Manchu man
To live a life of freedom, Manchus make a stand

Have your own lifestyles and ideals
Access the strip of competence, that's the skill
You can best believe that he's a Manchu man
He's the special god son in anybody's land
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

Manchu, Manchu man
I gotta be a Manchu man
Manchu Manchu man
I gotta be a Manchu

Manchu, Manchu man
I gotta be a Manchu man
Manchu Manchu man
I gotta be a Manchu

Manchu, Manchu man
I gotta be a Manchu man
Manchu Manchu man
I gotta be a Manchu

I gotta be a Manchu man
I gotta be a mucho mucho, Manchu Manchu man
I gotta be a Manchu”

Unfortunately instead of facing the usual muck farmers that their Mongol ancestors had ridden rough shod over, they met the cream of Emperor Yongle’s troops. And plenty of them.

On the 24th of March the merry men of Manchu faced a determined infantry army in Liaoning. According to the non existent Manchu manual of engagement, the horde charged towards the enemy while screaming loudly and waving their sabers around. A lot. Unfortunately the Chinese troops remained unimpressed and there was actual fighting. Needless to say the Manchu weren’t exactly accustomed to real life fighting and bloodletting, being more used to scaring sheep and getting beaten up by their wives and mothers in law.

It was a complete rout. Only the superb horsemanship of the Manchu allowed any of them to survive the day.

“Mengge, my lord we have been beaten. What shall we do?”

“Do Timur? We must flee, flee!”

“But where my Khan? Back to our women?”

“Back to Kantte? Are you mad? We must flee the other way!”

And flee the other way they did. The sad, pathetic remains of the army ended up in Jehol. Unfortunately Jehol also contained a contingency of Chinese reserves. The outcome of the battle was never in doubt. Machu brawn, Machu steeds and Machu men were all sadly lacking and almost all of the force was wiped out. Only the brave Mengge and Timur managed to save their sorry hides. Probably due to them spotting the Chinese before the bulk of the army, and using their friends, brothers and relatives as human shields as they fled.