Tales of the Gluttonic Knights

In the beginning...


BOOK I

January 1, 1419.

It was supposed to be a happy time. The celebration of a new year in the beautiful snow covered royal palace in Bayern. For Augustus Muttermuch, it was more than the dawn of a new year, it was the dawn of something much larger than himself. He was summoned by King Ernst, the ruler of Bavaria. There had been many rumors circulating through the royal court as to the health, the mental health, of the king, and Augustus feared what was ahead. He had lived the comfortable life of a nobleman after a distinguished military career. This is what had caught the king’s eye.

The king, you see, had been plagued by strange dreams, odd dreams, really, really bizarre dreams……that were strange……not normal were these dreams.

King Ernst dreamed of conquering Far Cathay. Whether it was a divinely inspired quest, planted in the king’s mind by Providence, or the result of repressed childhood memories of the adventures of Marco Polo as told to him by his Venetian nanny, this absurd mission was now Ernst’s sole reason for living.

Were he a normal man, perhaps logic could have dissuaded him. However, Ernst was also a very large man. He was insatiable, in desire and in appetite. Though catered to by the finest chefs, Ernst longed for new and exotic delicacies and would not be satisfied until these desires were quenched.

Enter Augustus Muttermuch. On January the 1st , by royal decree, King Ernst placed this quest squarely on the back of noble Augustus Muttermuch. His rival and brother, the august Nobelus Muttermuch, was passed over for this honor.

“You are the chosen of the chosen, the beloved of all my beloved, it is in you I place command of the new holy order, who shall fulfill my dream of conquering Far Cathay."

"Augustus Muttermuch,” the king declared, “I name you Augustus the First, Lord of the Gluttonic Knights”.

Augustus gulped. Life as he knew it had come to an end.

The Politics of Pork

“And so noble Augustus,” King Ernst inquired, “how shall we conquer Far Cathay? How will you lead my Gluttonic Knights?”

“My lord, if I may,” replied Augustus, pushing aside the empty plates before the king, and replacing them with a map of Europe.

“As you can see, we know not how to get to Cathay. I know this is no concern of yours, but I merely share this so as to explain my thinking. To conquer Cathay we must arrive in Cathay, and we can do that by either land or sea.”

“Yes, Yes!” gasped the king, tenting his fingers, “Excellent! Land OR sea!”

“Ahem, yes my lord,” Augustus continued, “to do this we must expand our tiny nation. Either to the sea or all the way to Cathay. We know if we expand eastwards, though we do not know its precise location, we will eventually reach Cathay…unless we miss it and drop off the edge of the world, but we’ll send a team of scouts ahead, just in case. Travel by sea is a little more risky. Once we sail into the unknown, it may be only blind luck that leads us to Cathay. We don’t have much of a navy or any experienced navigators.”

“What, that’s a travesty! Build us a navy at once!” the king demanded.

“But m’lord…”

“Build it….!” the king ordered, waving his fist.

“Yes, m’lord,” Augustus agreed rolling his eyes, “but in addition to building the navy we may be able to obtain maps from nations that already sail the seas. By either shrewd diplomacy or raw force, we may get what we need, but I’ll need some authority to control royal spending.”

King Ernst readily surrendered to Augustus all powers that he would need for his quest. For he was quite mad. Augustus, for his part, did not abuse this power, for despite being cursed as Lord of the Gluttonic Knights, he really wasn’t a bad man, and if anything feared future execution for misspeaking before the mad king.

Thus, Augustus trained new troops in Ansbach, expanding the army by 50%. He devised more innovative domestic policies, knowing that he would need some edge over his neighbors to accomplish this mad dream of his king. For now, investments in naval technology would be ended, with priority going to developing superior land forces. Tax collectors were established in both royal provinces to help fund the first stage of this “ambitious quest”.

The next issues, however, could be a little sticky.

“Your highness,” Augustus began, addressing the King, “We must now decide what diplomatic route we will pursue. We are neither loved by hated by the crowned heads of Europe. If anything, I believe many have overlooked our tiny but proud nation. Of our neighbors, only Austria maintains friendly relations with us (+120). Your highness, I believe it is imperative we remain on good terms with the Austrians, and I would propose we accept their invitations to join them in royal marriage.”

“Augustus you fool, I’m already married,” began the king as he studied the hollow center of a mutton bone he had picked clean, “what else can you tell me?”

“Yes, m’lord. I’ll tell them you find that acceptable. Then, with your blessing I’ll propose a formal alliance. They do have those yummy sausages you favor.

“Now, in addition to diplomacy, the leaders of the church petition us for greater involvement in the holy Catholic Church. We have long supported the church, but if we are to push eastward, better relations with the eastern followers of Orthodox Christianity might be advised. Or we could label them heretics and perhaps justify eastward expansion as a holy crusade.”

The king continued to examine his bone. “I grow weary of this conversation Augustus, why should we care about what religions others practice. Can’t we all simply get along?”

Augustus saw an opening. “Well, m’lord, there’s always the issue of the Muslims”

“Oh?” said Ernst, balancing the bone on his finger, “and who are they?”

“They are a strange and exotic people,” Augustus began, “populating near Asia and Africa. Let’s see. They seem to be hardy warriors……fascinated with science and mathematics…..and, oh yes, they seem to believe that the consumption of pork is quite sinful.”

“Blasphemy!” the king shot up with a start. “We will not tolerate such people! Give our full support to the Catholic church, and tolerate the Orthodox as best you can, but no quarter shall be given to these godless heathens!” The king stood panting, blood rushing to his face and his fists clenched, driven into the table.

“Your will be done, my lord” bowed Augustus, as he backed out of the room.

Bohemian Raspberry

The training of the new royal guard of the Gluttonic Knights proceeded smoothly. A force of 30K armed men stood fast, awaiting orders to march forth conquering new lands for the glory, and culinary conquest, of the king.

Augustus I, Lord of the Gluttonic Knights, had successfully negotiated an alliance with Austria. Further, his policies of extreme Catholicism led to better relations with all the royal families of central and western Europe. War raged in the west, between the French nations and England, Burgandy, and their allies. Castille vassalized their neighbor Aragon, and the Nordic nations fought amongst each other.

Despite this turmoil, Augustus arranged royal marriages with most of the major European nations. To their immediate west, Saxony annexed the nation of Wurzburg. This would bear close watching. More disturbing, however, was the death of Vaclav IV of Bohemia, and the rise of heretical forces within that nation, turning against the Catholic Church. As 1419 ended, the New Bohemians, already reviled by the Bavarians, went one step to far, portraying King Ernst as a swine in a display of their new counter-culture artistic movement.

In January of 1420, the Gluttonic Knights rode forth to avenge their king.

Calling upon their Austrian allies, and mustering more troops, the war on Bohemia was fast and merciless. Sudetenland was besieged immediately, while a large force engaged the Bohemia army at their capital. The Bohemians fought under their bold leader Prokop Holy, but though he was a much more talented leader than any of the Bavarian commanders, luck was with the Gluttonic Knights. The Austrians advanced on Moravia. Holy and the Bohemian regulars were driven from the capital and while Bavarian forces moved on from conquered Sudetenland to Erz and Silesia, the siege of the capital continued. The retreating enemy briefly drove the Austrians from their nation, but with the fall of the capital, the Bavarians moved south into Moravia, destroying the remnants of the enemy army, and breaking their siege, returned Moravia to Austrian control.

Offers for peace we made, but the Gluttonic Knights had little time and no tolerance for the counter-culture Bohemians and their new and frightening ways. Only when all enemy lands were claimed did the Bavarians offer terms: surrender of Sudetenland, Erz, and Silesia to Bavaria, along with military access, and Moravia to Austria. The Bohemians, beaten and demoralized, agreed to these terms.

Augustus I returned to his king with the good news. “My lord, I have good news! Your knights have returned, and we have seized Sudetenland, Erz, and Silesia to add to your lands, and we have secured military access from our defeated enemy!”

The lounging king barely budged. Lolling his head to one side, he asked in a melancholy voice, “Yes, yes, I suppose that’s ever so grand, but….what’s in it for me?”

Augustus blinked. “M’lord?”

The king continued, “Yes, what’s in it for me? I believe I charged you with securing rare delicacies from the east, and that you were to conquer Far Cathay. Has this been accomplished yet? If not, I believe you have some explaining to do.”

Thinking quickly, Augustus replied with a smile, “Ah, good king, perhaps I did not make my self clear. We have seized the Sudetenland, and thus have secured their secrets of making tasty goulash!”

The king’s ears perked to this.

Augustus went on “And then we marched into Erz, where they make the most unique dish. They call it “knedliky”, it’s a truly tasty sort of dumpling.”

Now the king turned and gave the lord of his knights his full attention.

Augustus went for the big finish, “And finally, though it was sheer hell, and a heroic battle that no men but your superior Gluttonic Knights could survive, your men conquered Far Silesia, and in doing so forced the locals to surrender the secrets of their tasty schnitzel…Mmmm, yummy schnitzel!…And our men have expanded our borders ever closer to Far Cathay”.

The king stood, “You have done well, Lord Knight. Go! Bring me these delicacies and congratulate your men. Double rations for them all, and bring each them deserts from my table!”

“Your highness,” Augustus meekly offered, “I’m not sure that you have enough here to feed all thirty-five thousand men, and even if you did I doubt that I could…”

“I said…” the king rose and shook his plump fist, “bring them deserts from my table…!”

Augustus bowed low, scooped up an arm load of sticky buns, and tarts, and backed out of the room.

Digesting the Situation

Lord Augustus rubbed at his tender ribs. What was the Duke thinking? Ribs were best served hearty and thick, not falling off the bone. No rib-preparer was he, or his chef, or whomever put this before him. However, he was glad for the meal. Should he be forced to graciously accept another sugar-glazed confectionary from King Ernst, he would surely need to replace his tunic with a billowing man-dress from the Kaliphate.

The assimilation of the Bohemian provinces was going well, and the King was happy. Or at least he was dozing with a smile on his face. That could have been gas. Augustus would leave that question for the philosophers.

Retreating to his annex, he reviewed the documents before him. For the 10th week running the Holy church had named Bavaria “Kingdom of the Week”, and Bavarian stature among the Catholic nations continued to climb. Luckily King Ernst and his family had produced a surprisingly large number of progeny that were married off around the continent. The Bavarian-Austrian alliance would serve him well, he thought, and he was excited to have drawn Helvetia into the alliance. He wondered about his neighboring states: Saxony’s aggression could pose future problems. The Poles and their Lithuanian allies were quickly devouring Brandenburg, where only on province remained free.

Augustus needed more leverage if he was to survive the rapid devouring of central Europe. Perhaps there was some benefit to reducing the level of Serfdom. Get more buy-in from the common people, and maybe morale would be better. Discovery of land warfare technology, though a priority, seemed to be developing slowly. The nation was principally a land-based power, but should he succeed in conquering a seaport, then that would have to change. Reducing the level of Serfdom, he decided, to a more tolerable amount, would be the best bet for now.

Tax collectors were sent to milk the sweet artisans and merchants of Bohemia. Why do they need money when they have their art, he smirked. Trade was growing as well, and trade agreements had been signed with the allies of Bavaria.

But what to do next? So many options were open to him. The Lord of the Gluttonic Knights wanted to maintain the favorable relationships he had with Catholic nations, so that he might pass through their lands. However, for the most part, the Catholic governments were to the west, not the desired direction of east. To the southeast? Or directly south toward Italy? The allied province of Tyrol lie in the way, but perhaps with the aid of Helvetia a foothold could be gained in Lombardia, then a coastal Italian province? To the east, that seemed to hold promise. If for no other reason, every acre taken to the east was one acre fewer separately Bavaria from Far Cathay. On to a completely separate matter, what of the offer of the Irish mercenaries? Unfortunately, the king had sampled Irish fare, and was not amused. ‘Potato-pastry indeed!’ - Augustus recalled the king’s exact words. This was an offer he would keep to himself. They could potentially be very valuable, at the right time.

What to do? What to do? Lord Augustus sighed as he considered his service to the mad king. Then his attendant burst through the door.

“M’Lord! M’Lord”, panted the messenger.

“Yes, Heinlein? This should be some news, for you to burst in so dramatically.”

“Dramatically? Do you really think so, m’lord,” Heinlein beamed. “I’ve been working on my entrances. I’d like to do it again, but this time with more arm-flailing, if you’ll permit me!”

“I am truly living among madmen,” Augustus mused, then replied, “No, no, please speak. . . about your news, that is.”

“What? Oh yes. News from the north, Poland has declared War, and they bring their allies of Courland and Lithuniamia with them!”

“I believe, Heinlein, you mean Lithuania.”

“No, Lord Augustus! Poland!”

“. . . .yes. Poland. Well, thank you for the news. If you think you can manage it, please alert our allies, and send for my courier. The Gluttonic Knights shall again ride into battle!”

You never sausage a battle!

The First Polish War proved to be another song-inspiring tale of courage, sacrifice, and soul-testing achievement. King Ernst, however, cared little about the details. Looking a bit pale and bloated, he sloshed his wine as he gestured to Lord Augustus.

“So, what you’re saying then, Augustus, is that you’ve again failed to reach Far Cathay? This displeases me.”

“But your highness,” Augustus rebutted, “The stories of honor and glory in your name will be sung through the ages! We took on a superior force and through sheer determination and divine Providence, we, and our allies, defeated the Poles! We have forced them into surrender, and seized Kustrin, Poznan, and the bountiful land of Wielkopolska. In terms of sheer size alone we have conquered an area larger than Bavaria Proper!”

“And,” the king interrupted, “are any of these new lands part of Cathay?”

Augustus was speechless, then, his heart falling, he fell back upon tried and true methods of communicating with his lord and liege. “Your highness, though many of Poles dine only on gruel and porridge, we will be bringing you a delicacy. Fine auroch meats, wild beef, braised with succulent seasonings. Further, if we push deeper into Poland, there are many finer foodstuffs to be had.”

“Mmmmm, beef,” the king lounged backward, tongue rolling out of his mouth, trickling a stream of royal saliva. His eyes seemed to roll back into his head as if in a dream.

Augustus took this moment to make his exit. The victory over Poland motivated him with new ideas of expansion. A seaport to the north was now a much more realistic goal. He penned a letter to the Pommern, inviting them to join the Germanic alliance he was building. About two hours later, just as he was affixing his seal to the letter, an attendant burst in.

“What?” Augustus gave a start, “Forgive me, I thought you were Heinlein.”

“No my lord. The king is dead! Apparently he choked not two hours ago!”

Augustus eyes moved to the floor, and he suppressed a fearful gulp.

The attendant continued, “Albrecht the Second rides to the castle to assume the throne. Your presence is required!”

Augustus recovered from his initial shock, “Certainly, certainly. . . but I’m already AT the castle.”

“Yes, my lord.”

“So, I should just stay here.”

“Yes, my lord. At once.”

“So, I should just stay here, at once.”

“Yes, my lord. King Albrecht commands it. He was very specific.”

Augustus silently cursed his luck. Another mad king.

The Second Course

March of 1438 proved to be a pivotal year in the history of the Gluttonic Knights.

King Albrecht II assumed the throne, and had it narrowed for a better fit. The people of Pommern joined the Bavarian alliance, as did the nation of Prussia. Lord Augustus had his eyes set on Danzig, and securing Baltic allies would make this an easier task.

King Albrecht II proved to be a far different lord than King Ernst, and Lord Augustus worked hard to explain the purpose of the Knights to their new liege.

“So, if understand this,” asked the king, “Bavaria has more than doubled in size. We enjoy unquestionable stature among the kings and queens of Europe. We boast a healthy army and a strong alliance. And you say that these fantastic accomplishments were achieved for what end?”

“Sire,” Augustus recited, as if reading from a page, “The Gluttonic Knights were created by King Ernst to fulfill his dream of conquering Far Cathay. To that end we have expanded the Bavarian nation eastward and will continue on letting nothing stop us until we stand victorious in the markets of Shang Hai.”

“The markets of Shang Hai, you say,” asked the king, sounding unsure, “Isn’t that an unusual military objective? Not to be judgmental, I am new at this monarch business.”

“Yes, sire. The markets of Shang Hai. The markets are our goal because it is from there that we will be able to secure the delicacies that were so hungrily lusted for by our good former king and creator. It is for the taste of the Orient that we march into battle, it is for the culinary conquest that we ride.”

“I see.”

“Yes, my lord,” said Augustus, still at attention as he rattled off the mission of the Knights.

“And our allies, the Austrians. . .?”

“Yes, my lord, and the Prussians, Pommeranians, and Helvetians.”

“Yes, yes, them too. Do they not find this, this mission, how do I say this? The slightest bit unusual?”

“Sire, to my knowledge, none of our allies have ever questioned the mission of the Gluttonic Knights, nor our diplomatic or military objectives. All the evidence before me confirms that Bavaria is among the most respected nations in all of Europe.”

“Really?? I mean, yes, I am really sure of that, of course, of course,” the king’s voice trailed off in deep thought. “And you have served the king, in this capacity as Lord of the Gluttonic Knights, since 1419?”

“Yes, my lord, for just nigh twenty years now.”

“And my cousin, King Ernst, they tell me he entrusted you with all major decisions regarding the administration of the kingdom? That you developed military, diplomatic, and domestic policy?”

“Yes, sire, and religious policies, as well.”

“Hmmm, yes.” King Albrecht seemed to grow more troubled and frustrated. “Well, I have to honestly say that I am new to this monarch business, and I certainly can’t argue with success. And if the rest of Europe holds us in such high regard, who am I to question what seems on its face to be madness? Lord Augustus, you are not mad, are you.”

“No sire, I do not believe I am.”

“Yes, yes. Well then, perhaps this whole crusade seems strange only to me, but who am I to usurp such a holy mission? Very well then!” the King stood, gaining an air of decisiveness about him, “Lord Augustus, I am honored by your service! Continue then to lead your Gluttonic Knights, for the glory of Bavaria and for the honor of our former King Ernst, and for the conquest for Far Catharay!”

“That’s Cathay, sire.”

“What? Oh yes, of course, you know best,” the king struggled to appear regal wearing Ernst’s oversized mantle, “Onward to far Catharay!”

“Your Lord! My Highness! I mean, my Lord, your Highness!” another attendant crashed through the entryway panting and out of breath.

“They really shouldn’t have put the throne room on the twentieth floor of this grand palace,” thought Augustus.

“My Lord, Sire!” another attendant burst in, running into the back of the previous one and both men fell to the floor. Together in a heap they cried, “Poland has declared war on the Prussians! They request we honor our alliance and come to their aid! What shall we reply?”

The king looked over to Augustus. Then the attendants looked from the king to Augustus. The eyes on the royal portrait of King Ernst, which still hung in the throne room also seemed to be staring at Augustus. Once he realized all eyes were upon him, the Lord of the Gluttonic Knights muttered, “To war, then?” looking back at the king.

But the attendants had already regained their feet and ran from the room shouting “To war! To war!” King Albrecht II looked pleased and hummed to himself as Ernst’s large crown slipped slightly over his brow.

OCC (Out of Culinary Character): Just a few notes so far, the first hundred years of Bavaria have seemed to whiz by in the game. Though at the turn of the century I am still far from China, you'll see that game events and AI actions have kept Bavaria very busy. Definite progress toward the goal of Cathay has been made, (just not documented here yet), but whether or not we'll see it's golden shores remains to be seen.

The Bavarian alliance keeps pulling Lord Augustus into foreign conflicts, but it also serves to greatly expand the size of our favorite nation, without drawing unnecessary Bad Boy action from our Catholic friends. Eventually some of this goodwill will be sacrificed, for simple mercenary gain. However, the situation at the turn of the century may become far less stable once the Reformation occurs.

Have I whetted your appetite? More to come....


...and god help me once I need to start incorporating the food of the Golden Horde into the story!

Herring the Call to Battle

The sound of his gauntlet banging against the desk reverberated through his chamber, as Lord Augustus read the letter from the Black Adder. “I told the king, that was a bad idea!” he thought.

The attendant, Severus, walked calmly through the door, speaking “The elixir you requested, Lord Augustus”. He set the tray down next to the aging knight and waited for his orders.

“Why, thank you Severus, you a welcome change from the my other administrators. I have been reading much of the Orient, and though I wonder what is fact and what is fiction, their herbal remedies intrigue me. I am hoping this tonic you have prepared will help sooth my nerves.” He finished the draught in one swallow. “So, what news of the war?”

“Well my lord, there is good news and there is bad news, where shall I begin?”

“With the good, please, I need some encouragement.”

“Well then, the Austrians have besieged Krakow, and our armies have made swift work of the northern Polish provinces.”

“That is good,” agreed Augustus.

“But, hordes of Lithuanians, that is how you say it, isn’t it my lord? Anyway, they are amassing for a counter-strike. Further, the winter comes, and attrition robs us of our men in the southern Polish lands.”

“Well, that is bad. Is there more news?”

“Completion of the fortifications around Wielkopolska are completed, and they have aided in repelling Polish attacks on their former territory.”

“Again, Severus, you bring me good news, but why the look of concern upon your face?”

“Perhaps, my lord, it is because the need to replenish our armies had denied us the funds to pursue the further fortifications you desired. I am afraid they must be postponed.”

“Well, that is bad news, but not too unexpected. We shall overcome this obstacle. I had hoped to strengthen our position on the Prussian border. Have you any news as to that front?”

“Yes, Lord Augustus. The armies of Courland have been stalemated by the Prussians, they seek a white peace. Should we accept?”

“No, Severus, though I am loath to continue the war, if we make a separate peace arrangement, this war could drag on for some time. Still, that they want peace is good news. Please continue.”

“Well sir, Hungary has joined the Polish alliance and they have joined the war. . . not on our side, sir.”

“Yes, yes. I had assumed as much. Hungary could be a problem. They are by far the largest nation in central Europe and could easily overwhelm our Austrian allies. This is surely bad news.”

“But there is more, both Hungary and Lithuania are asking us for a white peace.”

“Then we shall accept!” Augustus paused for a moment and looked away, then said sheepishly, “. . . just ignore that earlier bit I said about separate peaces. Without Hungary and Lithuania we can easily subdue Poland, and once that is done, we may be able to force them into peace with Prussia. Arrange the peace agreements at once!”

Severus bowed low then left the room, as calmly as he entered.

The truces were signed leaving only Poland and Courland as enemies of Bavaria. Lithuania was at war with the break away province of Ukraine and not directing many forces against the other allied nations. The Austrians broke their siege of Krakow to defend against Hungarian defenders, but the Bavarians quickly assumed their place, defeated the few resistance fighters the Poles managed to generate between sieges, and soon only Galizien and Podolia were free. Offering the much coveted port of Danzig and the provinces of Masovia and Podlasia, along with the remainder of their treasury, 3d, Poland made peace with Bavaria, and cut off from Prussia, paid reparations to Prussia and they and their allies ended their war in abject defeat.

Yet, though the Second Polish War ended in victory, peace would not reign long in the land. The Polish people living in the lands ceded to Bavaria greatly resented the cowardly way they were abandoned by the Polish government, but without any other target to lash out against, set off a series of rebellions in Danzig, Masovia, and Wielkopolska.

Though more competent than King Ernst, King Albrecht II seemed quite unsure of himself and delegated most decisions about running the nation to Lord Augustus. The new king continued to follow the tradition set by his predecessor of demanding fine feasts from the newly conquered lands, though he was not sure why, it simply seemed like a good thing to do, not to rock the boat.

With the conquest of Danzig, salted herring made its way to Bayern to grace the royal dinner table. But this was only one benefit from these new conquests. Now that Bavaria had secured a seaport, colonists began arriving, petitioning the king for permission to travel to new and exotic lands. King Albrecht II would then turn these people to Lord Augustus, who reminded them that there were no frontier lands ready to accept them that Bavaria could lay claim to, but just as soon as one was discovered he promised they would be the first on the boats out of Greater Bavaria. Though they were somewhat of a nuisance, the Lord of the Gluttonic Knights knew that these colonists would play a valuable role later.

For the present, the Knights were occupied, riding across the land, quelling troubles wherever they would spring up, from Podlasia to Ansbach. This kept them well-prepared for battle, which proved to be quite convenient, for not four years after the Second Polish War ended, Norway declared war on the Pommern. The Bavarians again honored their alliance, though there was little to be done but occasionally ride into the Pommeranian lands and repel Norwegian and Danish invaders.

The war took an unexpected turn with the dissolution of the Kalmar Union, and Norway was peacefully annexed into Denmark, who maintained their war against Pommern.

Lord Augustus was troubled by this war, but could do little to stop it. Slowly he began to build the navy, ordered thirty years ago by King Ernst, and continued to battle domestic unrest. Then in 1454 the nation of Sweden declared war on Pommern.

Augustus was in a bind. There was little to nothing he could do to fight the Scandinavians. His navy was far too small, and Bavarian naval technology far too inferior, to consider an invasion of the enemies’ home provinces. Then, the good fortune he had enjoyed as a subject of King Albrecht II evaporated in an unceremonial belch.

King Albrecht, addressing the peasantry, and still unsure of himself as leader, decided that the best way to calm them during these troubled times was to emulate their beloved King Ernest. Unfortunately, speaking to them from high atop his palace walls in the middle of a harsh winter was not very endearing. Belching in front of the hungry crowd was also ill advised. But justifying his actions with the statement that he had “much, much more to eat to catch up to Ernst, so get back to those fields” was the icing on his strudel, and a wave of Unhappiness Among the Peasantry set off even more revolts.

Augustus, upon hearing of the king’s actions, knew Bavaria would not last long as a united nation if nothing were done to stem the growing unrest. The two wars against the Scandinavian nations were quickly exhausting the German nation, which had not yet fully integrated their newly conquered lands into Greater Bavaria. So, Lord Augustus decided to accept offers from both Denmark and Sweden for separate peace agreements, ending the war and allowing the domestic healing to begin.

He was greatly disheartened to abandon his allies, whom he thought would be overwhelmed by the stronger Norse nations, so when Augustus retreated to his dimly lit chamber to drink and to write his letters of acceptance, the King’s abrupt entry proved extremely ill-timed.

“Lord Augustus, if you have a moment?”

“For you, your Highness, I live to serve” Augustus managed to mutter.

“Yes, well about just that. I’ve been king about twenty years now, and I don’t know if you remember it, I remember it as if it were yesterday, but about twenty years ago you explained to me the history and purpose of your knightly order. Do you remember that Augustus?”

“Yes, my lord, as if it were yesterday,” the knight answered flatly, staring off into the distance.

“Well then,” continued the king, “if you remember, and I remember, then I am sure that it happened, and that you explained that it was your goal, your purpose in life, to conquer Far Cathay, and well, I must say, it has been quite some time and I really don’t see any conquering of Cathay going on. Do you? In fact, for ages now, I have been wondering about the fine exotic Oriental spices, and wondering how they might taste. You see, I have quite an imagination, and I can imagine them rolling about on my tongue. I can feel the texture of their egg noodles and their strange vegetables, and well, when I realize that I am not in fact tasting these foods, nor am I getting ready to taste these foods, and that, in fact I am getting quite old and gray and may not yet taste these foods I must stop and wonder and ask, so what is it that you are doing?”

There was a long pause.

Lord Augustus slowly stood to his full height, a full foot higher than the king, and slowly drew his sword.

“My liege,” he spoke slowly.

King Albrecht took two, maybe three, steps back, it was ever so hard for him to remember these things, and began to twitch somewhat nervously. The knight slowly advanced and spoke again.

“I have faithfully served the crown of Bavaria for forty years, and have led the Gluttonic Knights on many a glorious mission.” He paused as he raised the sword. “Today, at this very moment, I now know that I have served as long as I possible can.”

He turned the sword and offered the hilt to the king, then stepped back.

“Today, I leave the order of the Gluttonic Knights. Do not call upon me again. Godspeed.” With a short spin on his back heel, Augustus I turned and strode from the palace, never to return again.

King Albrecht stared at the sword, then retreated to the library to see what he could learn about how one bestows knighthood.

Sitting on the desk of Augustus, ignored, were the peace offers from Denmark and Sweden.

Re: Great stuff, heagarty!

Originally posted by Sharur
Lieutenant-General Rickter approached Lord Augustus at in the war room.

"Sir, what allies does Poland have in this war? If a more southern approach to this war were taken, perhaps we could approach the famed lands of Wlakia. Not do these noble beasts make fine delicacies at the table, but our field research in the area indicates that the locals have managed to train them as a sort of 'heavy cavalry' unit. This could be very useful indeed..."

Click to expand...

OOC: Trust me, I'm not ignoring the Wlak, though I haven't figured out a subtle way to incorporate it yet. I don't want to overdo it, because, as you can tell, the humor in this whole excercise is EXTREMELY subtle!

Anywhow, for those who don't know what's going on, check on the next post. For those that do, please be patient.

Thanks!

For more on the Wlak....

Click Here for the Wlak FAQ!