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Fried Rice And Lederhosen - A Bavarian AAR with a difference

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Feb 13, 2002
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I've played 20 or so grand campaigns now, and read a great many more AARs, and I realised I'm the sort of person that a thriving game community hates - someone who leeches and never gives anything back. Well, I'm correcting that now, with my very first AAR. I'm new, so excuse me if it isn't very good :)

For my first AAR, I wanted to try an idea that I'd been considering for a while; playing a minor nation, and abandoning any sort of historical accuracy. I tried playing as Mecklemburg and conquering the whole HRE...but where is the fun in that? I

needed something bigger, something more grandious. And then it occured to me. Take a German nation, and invade China. Avoid all other conquests if at all possible, and focus on capturing as much of China as I possibly can.

To accomplish the feat, I decided on humble Bavaria. I picked Bavaria after a rigorous scientific process...I was eating a chocolate bavarian, and watching a documentary on Imperial China. "Bavaria...China...good idea!"

I'm writing this as I play it, so no asking for any advance chapters. I have no idea whether it will be possible (I'm playing medium difficulty...even if this task is impossible, I'm going to go down guns blazing). And now, without further ado, I present quite possibly the silliest AAR ever written - The Bavarian conquest of China, or as I like to call it, Fried Rice And Lederhosen.
 
King Ernst (later known as King Ernst the Mad), January 1st, 1419

I had the strangest dream last night. I was sitting at a royal function, with some Archdukes and the prince of Baden, when we
were served a very peculiar meal. It was a plate stacked with this mysterious food, small grains of an unknown white substance, covered with vegetables. In my dream, it was delicious! After waking, I called the royal chef, Hans, into my chambers, and asked him if he knew what this strange food was. He didn't, but promised to consult with the other cooks.

As I sat down to lunch, Hans asked to speak to me. He said that one of the new cooks had heard of the food I described. It was called "rice", and was made by a tiny country called "Chine". I knew at once that I must try some of this exotic food, and resolved to find and invade this Chine.
 
King Ernst, February 2nd, 1419

Invited King Albert V of Austria over for lunch, and told him about my quest for rice. He told me that while he couldn't offer me military assistance, he would be happy to help in any way possible, as long as I was kind enough to share any of the exotic treats I might find. I asked if my armies might perhaps cross his territory; he agreed. Throughout our whole conversation, there was a strange smile on his face as if he was trying not to laugh. I think perhaps he was amused by Hans, who is Swedish, and sounds very funny. He needn't have been polite - I often laugh at Hans.
 
King Ernst, February 4th, 1419

Had another strange dream last night; in this one, I was being attacked by a pack of wild ducks. Made note to have all ducks in my realms killed after conquering Chine.
 
King Ernst, November 14th, 1419

My plan to acquire this mysterious food called "rice" has encountered it's first obstacle; apparently no one in my realms knows exactly where Chine is, except that it's "somewhere east". Our maps unfortunately are a little vague on anything east of Muscovy. I summoned the Royal Cartographer into my chambers, and demanded at penalty of death that he draw me maps of how to get to Chine. He profusely apologized, and informed me that it was impossible for him to do so. "What good is having a Royal Cartographer if he cannot cartograph what I need", I said to him, and promptly had him executed.

Sadly, while executing him made me feel better, it didn't get my kitchenstaff any closer to rice. As the eastern-most territory we were aware of was the Golden Horde, I invited the ambassador of the Mongols to my palace for lunch and discussion on a possible exchange of maps. My goodness, what a horrid looking man he was. His nose was all flat and squished, and he refused to dismount his horse the whole time. I offered him some wine and a delicious cooked duck, and asked whether he might possibly be able to tell us where Chine is, but all he did was grunt and decapitate one of my Royal Guards. I think this means the Golden Horde are unwilling to share their maps with us, but the lunch wasn't a total failure, as the duck was delicious.
 
King Ernst, June 1st, 1420

I form a 20,000 man army, and send them on their way eastward. All the peoples of my realms turn out to see them depart, and a good time is had by all. They are sent to Vienna, where they will stay until I am able to convince the good King of Hungary to allow them to pass through his lands. To this end, I send a letter to the King introducing myself, and explaning what it is I am hoping to do. My ambassador to Pest tells me that the letter was received well, and in fact the King is showing it to all the nobles of his land. I'm sure that this means that he too will want some rice once I have obtained it.
 
What an intriguing idea!

I have this feeling you're going to run into the odd obstacle...and I hope by the time those 20,000 (less attrition) march a quarter of the way around the globe that you've up to land tech 60 if they're going to conquer some rice for you. Perhaps securing a...port...might help the casue.:D

Looking forward to this.
 
Hey!

I must say that going for the silliest AAR around is a noble thing, but i think you'll find that my AARs defy silly. Yeah! But I must say, looks to be a very good idea for an AAR. Good luck with it. Any Bavarian Cream Pies around the corner?
 
Hey, great AAR, sounds quite interesting...

I have a request though... are you really going to write a seperate post for EVERY day something happens? lol... you realize how incredibly long and hard to follow the thread will be? Just my two cents...
 
I like the idea, and look forward to what comes next....well, maybe not every day until you get to China, but definitely who you go after and how you pull it off!:D

My true goal is to see what the world looks like in 1719, and whether or not you've built "The Great Autobahn of China"!
 
As a Bavarian that loves rice, I can only congratulate you on this idea.
I have to agree with Lord Joseph, though. While posting every day in a single post makes your post count rise quite fast, it doesn't help making this thread to read easier.
However, if you ever reach China, I'll have Egg rice with chicken, please. :D
 
* impatiently waiting for what is to follow ; rice only needs 10 mn in boiling water, you know *
 
*bump*

I could have grown my own rice by now:D

Please, please give us some more.
 
I think I'm just going to try this myself, though I don't know if it's possible. I guess it depends on how liberally one defines "conquer as few other nations as possible".

We should all take a stab at it, and if the author has abandoned this thread, report back and compare notes... think of it as a Chinese Buffet! :D
 
Two weeks, no new story....

I don't want to hijack a story if one's on its way, but if not I may start posting my own Bavarian culinary tour of Europe.

Has any one else ever come close to pulling a "Bavaria conquering China mission" off? I'd be happy with just "Bavaria IN China".
 
Not with Bavaria, but possible with Mecklemburg, depending how it all goes... might even be my first AAR, but if I can get more maps, hey anything is possible, my long range goal was a colony in Tahiti.. =)
 
Well, here goes...

I will probably regret doing this, but here goes my attempt at trying to take this on...

Tales of the Gluttonic Knights

This will be my attempt at getting Bavaria to China...I am already regretting it! :eek:
 
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