Part 1: What to do with those beer swilling Austrians?
Alright! Let’s see what I have in these Papal States. One army, that calls itself the
Army of the Holy Cross which has 10,000 men in it. At least, I hope those are men. They wear those long flowing robes, makes it difficult to tell. They are in the Capital, Rome. I wonder, what if I was to try and copy what that guy, Julius Caesar did.
That would be nice!
In Marche, the Papal Fleet is stationed, with 10 warships. Not a very auspicious start. I will have a great deal to do, I fear.
So! Let the party begin! Whoo!
Now, before I start(aren’t I so annoying?
) I will note that time shall be referred to in
Papal Time, or PT. Now that that is out of the way, time to get to the nitty gritty.
1419 PT
I am annoyed. I have been given this nation that sits in the middle of a lady’s boot. I feel like that old woman who lived in the shoe. Ok, well, I am not a woman. And I do not really live in a shoe. But you get my drift. I call up 10,000 men in Rome, so that I can have a decent army. I also order tax reforms in every province. And finally, I declare that our domestic policy will see a focus on the army. As such, the policy shall focus more on Land than on Sea.{+1 to Land. Huzzah!]
I also order that order be restored. I do not like all the grumbling that is going on. Oh, and just to piss off those poor sailors, I notify them that I am cutting maintenance for the navy to 50%. Ha! Take that, you salty sailors! Of course, Martin Loogie objects, but I stick a halibut in his mouth, and tell him I am doing it just for the “hell of it”! Ha!
As for Mario and Luigi, they begin their search in the deep dark catacombs that run under Rome. I do not think they will find their Comfy Chair there, but it gives them something to do.
It takes 2 months to restore order to the realm. I like it!
On May 8th, the very first diplomat leaves the
Naughty, Stubborn, Ass Academy for Diplomats™ and is sent with a gift to Naples. I will make them my friends, then I will eat them, like some tasty, greasy treat. Yum. Tasty greasy treat.
May 16th sees the first merchant head out to Veneto, and I tell him to make such an ass of himself that everyone else leaves him be. Besides, I hear there are good blinds there. Get me some, will you?
The second diplomat comes from the
Naughty, Stubborn, Ass Academy for Diplomats™ and I send her to Albania. Why? Why not?
Don’t I have all the luck?! I am aiming to form an alliance with Naples, and Milan offers me an alliance instead. I take it, and maybe I can make them my vassals. The wheels are turning.
In Rome, I am introduced to a man calling himself William of Baskerville. Great guy, but he likes the books a bit too much.
August 17th sees strange news. Bohemia declares themselves to be Protestant. Now, I may not know much about your planet’s history, but didn’t the Protestant movement start with Martin Luther? In the 1500’s? Talk about forward looking people. These Bohemians are like some sort of Rhapsody, they are! Wow!
On September 2nd, in a bid to strengthen the ties between the Pope and Milan, I send a young lady to Milan, and tell her to do whatever the ruler of Milan wants her to do. Last I heard, she was dressed as a sheep, and eating grass in a field. Poor lady. Poor, poor lady.
On December 1st, Martin Loogie rushes into my private study. Seems that he has discovered something new. I do not know what, but he assures me it will make the navy better. [Naval Tech 1 reached]
1420 PT
Well, this year sees a few things. Those tax reforms? Done and done. I give Milan a note introducing me to them. They shake their heads in awe, and BAM! We have better relations. I like it! I call up 2,000 men in Rome, just for the hell of it, and I send a merchant to Veneto. I
really like those blinds!
Umm, nothing really happens this year. Well, that is not exactly true. I get rid of the Papal Fleet. I will be focusing on the Army. Loogie is obviously pissed, but I tell him that it will allow for a quicker advancement in developments. Loogie agrees, although half-heartedly.
1421 PT
I start the year sending Milan a gift. Why not? I am pleased to see that Helvetia and Savoy have joined the alliance, and will make for tempting targets for vassalage as soon as I can afford it.
I order two more merchants sent to Veneto. I almost have enough to cover my windows. But not quite.
I send women to Savoy and Helvetia. The gesture is appreciated. I have the finest looking women in all of Christendom! Hot Damn!
1422 PT
I send another gift to Milan, and it vastly improves our relations. Sweet!
I am led down to the catacombs, and meet up with Mario and Luigi…
The torches illuminate a small cavern. Mario and Luigi are standing in the middle, beside a hole that seems to go down forever. They have lanterns surrounding the hole, and a book open on the ground. They shout orders to workers, telling them to “be careful” and to “watch it!”. They look up just as Bob Death comes in, and they motion to him to come and take a look at something they have uncovered.
“Listen, Bob. I think we have a lead here. This book was found in a sack just under the ground. We grabbed it just as the bottom fell out, and we found this.”
Mario motioned to the hole.
“We lost three men, they could not get out of the hole fast enough…”
Luigi began to speak excitedly.
“Yeah! The floor just collapsed! Ka-Boom! It was so cool! So cool! I wish we could do it again…”
Bob Death looked at the two men.
“Listen to me, do you have something important to tell me. I do not want that Pope to get the impression he has any power. That would not do. So? What about this book?”
Mario and Luigi squirmed for a second, like a bug caught by a young child, and then they regained their composure.
“Well, if we could get that William fellow to have a look at it, then we would have a definite lead. All we were able to make out were references to something called the “Comfy Couch”. Couch? Chair? Same thing! So…”
Bob Death just sighed, and nodded.
“Fine! Do what you have to do! You know that you have my permission to do whatever you want. So go and get William, have him take a look at it, and go from there. Ok?”
Mario and Luigi nodded, and hurried up to find William. Bob Death, or Bob Cajun to these simpletons, just sighed ruefully. He wondered if he had made a mistake granting those two immortality. At least when he left this timeline, he could leave them here.
Amazing! I cannot believe how skittish those two are. They have to ask me for permission to speak with William of Baskerville? Why? I tell them to do what they have to, and they act as though they are walking on egg shells. Sheesh! What babies! Wa! Wa! Wa!
On January 16th, I am informed the peasants are unhappy. Stinking peasants! And they revolt in Rome? Rebels? Rebels?! I thought I would be rid of them! Damn them! Damn them all to hell!
After putting down the rebels, I order the Army of the Holy Cross(or Holy Cross for short) to head to the border between Milan and the Papal States. I wonder if this will work, what I have planned?
1423 PT
I am pleased. I have sent a gift to Milan, and they now regard me as their best friend. That’s it! Slowly walk into the middle of my web, as I watch and wait to strike and dissolve your insides! Mwa ha ha!
I also send three merchants to Veneto. Why not? It is such a tempting thing, all those blinds. Marvelous!
January 10th sees war with Austria. Just great! So! Milan, Savoy, Helvetia and ourselves are at war with Mantua, Baden, Bavaria, Wurtemberg and Bohemia. This is not good! I order Holy Cross into Mantua, and will go for the quick take out.
February 1st sees Mantua under siege. If I can get them to join my fledgling empire, that will be excellent.
The year is spent with sieges in Mantua, led by Holy Cross. In Milan, I am shocked to discover that Bohemia is laying siege to them. That is not good!
I will have to help them out as soon as I get Mantua.
Well, that sucks large! Milan came in, took over the siege just as the last defender was giving in, and annexed Mantua! I wanted that province for myself! Well, I order Holy Cross to head for Baden, or perhaps Wurtemberg. I will get something from this war!
1424 PT
I have changed my mind. Tyrol will be placed under siege. If I can grab it, then it gives me a platform to strike at Austria again. It will allow me to strike at their gold province! Sweet, nourishing gold! Ha!
I changed my mind again. Seeing as how Milan just comes in, and takes over every siege I start, I head for Wurtemberg, and lay siege to it. I have already lost close to half of my original force. From 19,500 down to 9,000? And all to help Milan take some land for themselves?! Damn them!
September 1st sees news that our infrastructure has improved. So both trade and infrastructure have improved? Excellent! [Trade hit level 2 in September of 1423, and Infrastructure now is Level 2. I like September!]
On December 15th, I order War Taxes raised. I need to reinforce Holy Cross. I need to rebuild the Army!
1425 PT
Well, I am pleased to see the coffers full. I call up 9,000 men in Romagna, and hope to send them to Wurtemberg as soon as I can. Maybe I can move against Bavaria next? Would that not be wonderful?
Those infidels that call themselves the Golden Horde are having problems of their own. I am informed that a new nation, following the Orthodox faith, calls itself Ukraine. Nice! Anything to piss of the infidels! Ha!
On March 12th, Baden is annexed by Helvetia! I love this alliance! We are kicking ass!
Damn! I take back that statement about being in a great alliance. Savoy declared war on Provence, and now I am in a war versus Provence, France, Auvergne, Bourbonnais and Scotland. I don’t have time for this!
On June 25th, I annex Wurtemberg. Sweet! I move now to siege Tyrol. After that, who knows? Maybe go for Bavaria, and let everyone else focus on France, Provence and those annoyances. Damn!
Well, this sucks! Not only is war exhaustion becoming a problem, but now bad government policies have led to unrest. Damn!
1426 PT
Well, I call up 4,000 men in Romagna and send 4 merchants to Veneto. I need all the funds I can get, to further improve my holdings! Damn!
April 16th sees some good news. Tyrol has fallen, and I order Holy Cross to move onwards to Steiermark. I am lucky, as it seems that France is preoccupied with other battles. Milan, Savoy and Helvetia form a grand wall against them. I hope I can make some gains from Austria. I need to, as they have Wurtemberg under siege, and I doubt I can get men up there to relieve it.
July 26th sees me concede defeat to Bavaria, and offer them a white peace. I cannot worry about them right now. I have too many other things on my mind right now.
On December 28th, I order War Taxes raised again. I need to reinforce Holy Cross quickly. If Milan can keep Austria occupied in
1427 PT
Well, with the fresh funds, I call up 9,000 men in Romagna. This is going to be my troop centre, I think. If I had the funds, I could call up 14,000 men there. If only! Damn!
War with France and their allies goes all right. I worry about Bohemia. They have sent only two armies so far, and both were beaten by Milanese forces in Wurtemberg. I wonder what they have up their sleeve?
On January 26th, Savoy gives Bourbonnais a concession. A “gift” of funds to make them quit this war. So, one down, only 7 to go. Oh, and Orleans has joined in the fun with the French. Lovely!
In March, with the last little bit I have in the treasury, I am able to send a merchant to Veneto. Sweet!
September 14th sees further inroads being made in Austria. Although I am encountering small forces, there is nothing major that causes me concern, at least from Austria. Proof of this is that Steiermark falls to Holy Cross and the 9,000 men, who had a bit of trouble in Tyrol, now head for the capital of Austria. I wonder if I can take it? Milan is doing very well. Surprisingly so. They and the others are keeping the French at bay. I should congratulate them, when I get the chance.
October 11th sees Salzburg and the Austrian capital under siege. Of course, I do not know how much longer I will be granted this luxury by Milan. If they make peace with Austria or Bohemia, I may have done all this work for naught. I hope that will not be the case.
November 1st sees much happening. Artois defects from Burgundy to France, making the Enemy that much more of a pain, Wurtemberg revolts, and I can do nothing until the next year, when the funds come in, and Jean Calvine informs me that our fortresses can be improved, made bigger. [Land Tech 2 reached]
Well, that is good news, but I want to end this thing with Austria so I can look to France and her allies.
Oh yeah, I also order War Taxes gathered [I[again[/I]. They must really hate me now, the peasants. Seems I call up War Taxes every year. That has to be annoying. Oh well, they will have to live with it.
December 13th sees a bit of good news. Provence offers me peace, and I take it. It is a free “Get out of Trouble Free” card, and I use it. So! Now I only have Austria and Bohemia to worry about. That and the Rebels in Wurtemberg. I will send next years recruits to deal with the problem.
1428 PT
I call up 9,00 men in Romagna, and they will be sent to Wurtemberg to reclaim that province for me. With what I have left after all of the War Taxes have been collected, I send 3 merchants to Veneto. Why not? Couldn’t hurt, could it?
March 8th sees me sending foxy ladies to Brittany, Lithuania, Poland and Denmark. The world loves my ladies! Sweet!
March 17th sees grand news! Those Rebels are doing something right, as I am told that new land has been claimed in the province. Sweet! It will be that much sweeter when I retake the province from those damned Rebels! Ha!
August 11th sees Salzburg fall, and only the Austrian capital and Ostmarch remain! I must admit, when first I started this war, I was worried. But thanks, in huge part to Helvetia and Milan, not so much Savoy, I have had almost free reign in Austria. Bohemia is another matter, but for now, I will worry about one enemy at a time.
Holy Cross joins with the other army in Ostmarch, and I fell that perhaps this war will be coming to an end very soon.
1429 PT
The first thing I do is order domestic policy to be focused more on the Army. It only makes sense, no?[Land DP +1]
I then call up 5,000 men in Romagna, and order that they join the army in Wurtemberg. They will help in the siege there.
April 1st sees Wurtemberg back in my control. Sweet!
June 1st sees Ostmarch fall, and I offer peace to Austria. All I ask for is Tyrol, Ostmarch, Salzburg, Steiermark, and a huge cash settlement. They accept! Holy Crap! Not the stuff that comes from the Pope’s ass. A different kind of Holy Crap.
With these new funds, I order troops in the conquered provinces. In Ostmarch is Holy Cross, with an impressive 19,030 men. Very nice! In Salzburg, 3,000 recruits are called up, 1,000 men are called up in Tyrol and 4,000 in Steiermark. With the remainder of the funds, I order tax reforms in Ostmarch, Salzburg and Steiermark. The remainder of the settlement is given to Helvetia and Savoy in the form of gifts. Very nice!
1430 PT
Well! With all of these new funds coming in, I have much more choice in what I can and cannot do. I call up troops in Rome, Marche and Romagna. In Rome, 5,000 men will make for an excellent guard against Naples, with Marche and Romagna each getting 2,000 men. That should do. I only wish that my allies would make peace so I could offer them vassalization. I am certain they would refuse me, but still, you have to give it a go, don’t you?
This year is peaceful for me, but not my allies. Savoy is having a great deal of trouble with France, and part of me wonders if making peace with Provence was a bad thing?
December 8th sees a revolt in Rome. Stinking Rebels! They make me want to retch! Blah!
December 21st sees the Rebels win, and wipe out the force I had in Rome. That is just great! Damn them!
1431 PT
Well, seeing as how I cannot call up men in Rome, I call them up in the Austrian Provinces. Why not? They could use the company.
I will send in the forces in Marche and Romagna together against the Rebels in Rome. This shall be a good day to kill some Rebel Scum.
February 20th sees a new guy calling himself Pope. Eugenius IV? What? No one calls themselves Genius! The only one who is allowed to do that is a certain Coyote, who goes by the name Wile E. Damn Pope! I hope he has a heart attack! Arrogant bastard!
I am shocked to learn the 4,000 men sent to defeat the rebels in Rome fail, and are wiped out. I have to detach a force from the Army in Wurtemberg and send it to defeat the rebels. They do, but not without some anxiety from me. I cannot lose the Capital. How would that look? Not very good, I think.
Revolts in Tyrol and Salzburg also are cause for some alarm, but they are taken care of easily enough.
As I ponder these things, William of Baskerville comes in, with Mario and Luigi following closely behind…
William walked with a purposeful gait, while the two Inquisitors shuffle along. Mario has some pasta sauce on his face, most likely from lunch. In William’s hand was a large book. The book that had been found in the catacombs under the city. Bob Cajun looked up from his table with its myriad of papers and maps, and motioned for the trio to approach. William spoke, and his voice was crisp and clear. He knew what he had to say, and how to say it. Bob Cajun was impressed by this. Here was a man who was not afraid to speak his mind. William stepped forward, and placed the book on the table, opening it to a marked page.
“Well, Bob Cajun. I have been looking at this book, and at some of the chapters in it. It refers to an entity simply known as the “Dark One”. I thought it best to come to the man who knows most about all things supernatural…”
Bob Cajun looked up, the surprise hard to hide on his face.
“What? How did you know?”
William laughed heartily, and gave Bob Cajun a knowing wink.
“A man of your skills obviously has much knowledge about many things. Even those that the Holy See may find offensive, or blasphemous. So I thought it best to ask you first, before going to other sources.”
Bob Cajun was impressed. This William was an excellent reader of people. Perhaps he could be used by Bob Cajun?
“Well, you have guessed right, my friend. I have heard of this “Dark One”, but only in passing.”
Bob Cajun’s mind was racing furiously. The “Dark One” was an entity that had existed before Time. It was no longer considered to be a major player in the universe, mostly keeping to itself. Why would it be mentioned in a Human book?
“Well, I will tell you what I know. In the distant past, long before the Romans, Greeks or even Egyptians were in power, there was a group of people calling themselves the Followers of the Void. They believed that the universe was nothing, that the only thing that mattered was what they called the “Void”. No one ever discovered what they meant by it, as all written records have been lost for almost 5,000 years. I know of it simply because of references to these Followers in Herodotus’ History. But it is only spoken of in passing, and so, I never gave it much thought. Are you telling me that this book speaks of these Followers and the Void as well?”
William smiled, and Mario and Luigi drank pasta sauce from the glasses offered to them.
“Yes, Bob. It does. I know of a library, in the capital of Austria. As of right now, I am barred from it, because of an argument that I had with the old King there. But I have heard that your armies have taken much of the old Austrian lands. Would you give me leave to visit some of the monasteries in those provinces?”
Bob Cajun pulled out a Papal Seal, and melted the wax beside him. He then placed some of the melted wax on a piece of parchment, and made a slight impression with his ring. He handed it to William, and motioned for the two Inquisitioners to approach.
“You two! You will go with William, and help him as he sees fit. Understood?”
Mario looked as though he was going to object, but Luigi poured some pasta sauce down Mario’s throat. Luigi nodded, and they both stepped back.
“William. This parchment will let you enter any and every monastery you wish, so long as it is in Papal lands. I cannot say how certain I am that it will work in lands outside of our borders. I would not trust that it would get you very far. Perhaps in the Infidel lands, but not in any of the Catholic nations. Especially not France, Bohemia, or any of their allies. They would kill you as soon as they saw you. Take Mario and Luigi, and use them as you wish. Just try not to get them killed.”
Bob Cajun then smiled, and shook William’s hand.
“Good luck, and Godspeed, William.”
William nodded, and turned on his heels. Mario and Luigi slithered behind William, and Bob Cajun went back to examining his maps and sheets of paper. William had taken the book with him, but had left a piece of parchment. The parchment was blank.
Bob Cajun watched as William and the two Inquisitioners left. He shook his head, and only hoped that Mario and Luigi would not get William into too much trouble…
1432 PT
The first thing I do is call up 8,000 men in the Capital. No more getting caught with my mind wandering!
My allies are
still at war? What? Are they stupid? I cannot ask them to be my vassals while they are at war! Damn them!
This year is one of monotony. Nothing happens. I mean, yeah, that saint performs a miracle, which is great news, but really? Who cares?
1433 PT
I start the year by calling up troops in Wurtemberg, Tyrol and Ostmarch. I can only call up 4,000 in Wurtemberg, 2,000 in Tyrol and 3,000 in Ostmarch. Nothing big.
I do nothing else this year. My allies have made peace now. But I fear that the current Pope is diplomatically inept. No offers of vassalage will be made, at least not for a while.
1434 PT
I call up 2,000 men in the Capital and in Marche orders are sent out that 8,000 men should be called up. Sweet!
December 5th sees me concede to the demands of the nobility. The government is so decentralized that giving these nobles a concession is not a huge deal.
1435 PT
This year sees men called up in Steiermark, Tyrol and Salzburg. That is all.
1436 PT
Hmm, I am awoken from my daydreaming by several merchants. They want to go to Liguria. Sure, let them. So all 6 are sent there. Can’t hurt, can it?
I also give gifts to Savoy and Helvetia. If only I could have a decent Pope, with a good diplomatic skill. Why do these fools live so damn long? I should have a say in it! Damn!
August 27th sees word that some of my policies were not accepted with open arms. How can they claim that I have made some Poor Government Policies? Damn fools!
1437 PT
Well, once again, there is nothing to report. This is worse than Ethiopia, I tell you!
I send 2 merchants to Veneto, and call up 8,000 men in Romagna. Yeah, sure. Whatever!
The year passes without anything of great importance happen, and so I shall stop just as the clock turns from December 31st, 1437 to January 1st 1438.
