Two Kingdoms - One Monarch A Denmark AAR

still cant figure out how to make the picture show.....but ill get to it....in time.....okay after 1 hour of fiddlin' i got it but dont ask me how!
I think i might have started somethin i cant finish properly
Erik VII: You chicken!
Simon-1979: Well....i am also known as the Crazy Chicken!
Erik VII: Just get to work or ill roast you at my next barbecue!
Simon-1979:Okay okay, simmer down!.

Chapter 2: Baldricks Diet

April 1. 1419.
Four months had now passed, and the new taxcollectors still hadn’t started working in the lands. The royal advisor had given him the sad news, that they would need some 8 months still, to get used to their jobs.
- Utter non-sense, 4 out of 5 worked in that field the year before and still they need 12 months in all, to start working again!?.
An unhealthy reddish colour started to make itself noticed on Erik's face.
- Who am I?. The Salvation Army!!!?.
The advisor wisely stepped af few meters away.
- Sire, I am afraid, there is nothing we can do about it, these terms are custom around here.
That information didn’t seem to calm Erik down - not one tiny bit.
- Baldrick will have to pay for the damage he did, make sure that the cost of hiring new taxcollectors is taken from his wage.
The advisor looked as if he didn’t really know how to respond.
- What now?, did I say it in german or what?.
The advisor sighed.
- No, Your Highness. But….
- For crying out loud man, SPEAK UP!.
Now the advisor, just for a short while, thought of taking his belongings and leaving the country for good - living as a madman in a hut, somewhere in Russia.
- His only “wage” is a modest meal 2 times a day and a place to sleep. The terms of his…ehh….employment where settled by his forefather Baldrick the Know-Not 120 years ago and this house respected that, and so did his children and their children.
- You mean to tell me that he does not get any money?.
- Yes, Your Highness.
- VERY GOOD!!. NOW CUT THOSE 2 MODEST MEALS DOWN TO ONE BAD ONE, LET HIM SLEEP ON THE FLOOR, AND GET OUT OF HERE!.
The Advisor partly bowed, partly ran out of the study as fast as his legs could carry him. His thoughts where centered around finding a place to hide, until Erik's mood got normal - well lets be reasonable, he urged himself - a bit better at least.
1 second after the advisors speedy exit, Erik slammed his head down on the desk - a couple of times - really HARD - in fact it hurt as hell, but it made him feel better - a bit better.
- I hate this country, why did I take the job? - couldn’t the nobles have picked some other fool?.

We leave this sad man here - let him have some time alone.

Chapter 3: Swedish Girls, Beasts and angry Royals

April 2, 1419: His head hurt, it really did, a lot. If it hadn’t been for the fact that it is fatal to have ones head cut off, Erik would have done it just to get rid of the pain. One might argue that it would not solve the problem, but in that current state of agony, Erik the VII, King of Denmark, Norway and….well I guess Sweden, didn’t think that well.
A knock on the door, then as it often happens, yet another knock and another, this time harder and louder. The sound made Erik picture a battery of culverins being fired just 1 ft. away from his skull.
- Oh, brother!. Never a bloody minute in peace, EEEEHH!!???.
The knocking stopped.
- Well don’t just stand out there, get in HERE! - instead of tearin’ the bloody castle down!.
A young man, lookin quite like Eriks advisor stepped into the and bowed.
- Who are you!?.
The young man smiled from cheek to cheek, really a young boys smile - something he would have to get rid of if he actually waned to climb the career-latter in this particular household.
- Well, Your Highness, I am the son of one of your advisors. As my father seems to be out of town since yesterday, I thought that I might fill out the vacant spot for the time being.
- Out of town you say?. That's bloody strange, I haven't told him, that he could leave?. Never mind. Speak up kidd'o, what is all this about, then!?.
The young mans smile grew, soon it would split his little head in two.
- We have at last found someone, who we can send over to the Swedes, to cancel their vassalidge. It seems he is on his way to Stockholm to make some sort of marriage arrangement for his uncle in Kolding, not that…
- What do you mean?. Are you telling me that the Swedes don’t know yet, that I have told them to get lost and do whatever they like in that snow-infested country of theirs!?.
The smile on the young mans annoyingly fresh and healthy face fainted - just a bit.
- Well…..Your Highness….there was no-one to send over, so we had to wait, I thought that Your Highness allready knew…
- No I didn’t!. And how long before that crazed madman, actually LOOKING for Swedish girls, will be in Stockholm and back again?.
The young man without knowing it, did just like his father - he stepped out of reach - just in case. The young advisor - for now - thought of his fathers wellknown saying at that exact moment:

-Angry Royals, Young girls locked up since birth and hungry beasts starved - stay clear of those!. If it does not seem like good advice now - wait my boy, and it will all make good sense to you some day.

That was that day!.
- Well, Your Highness, he will do the best he can, but it might take a day or two…..
- Okay, whatever. Now make yourself unseen around my person until you have some news from that man.
- Yes, Your Highness!.
- OUT!
The young man took a bow and ran - sort of like his father before him and left the room in haste - the smile went with him - but where it is now?. No-one knows. It may still be haunting the halls of this castle when the moon lights the nights.....

Oh yes, swedish maidens fair

Chapter 4: Beer and fruitbaskets

April 15. 1419.
Some people at court had said, that summer was just around the corner - Pffft!, they all lived in bloody La-la-land!. Erik had struggled to keep a cold at bay - but no freaking luck, as always. The doctor told him to drink plenty of warm milk - Erik hated milk and warm milk was pure evil in fluid condition, so to ease himself a bit, he settled on warm beer, plenty of it actually, and it helped - sort of.
Erik had just taken his first two gallons of steaming hot beer, that morning, when he noticed that the young advisor standing just a couple of meters from him, waiting. Erik noticed that something seemed different about him, but he could not seem to figure out what.
- What now? Have all my soldiers deserted me and joined the salvation Army?.
- No, your Highness, they are all satisfied with half pay, no one seems to be deserting, the same goes for the navy.
- Is that so!??. Then tell me, what you are doing here.
- I bring news from our man in Stockholm, or should I say former man in Stockholm?.
- What do you mean man?, quit talking in riddles, this isn’t a bloody quiz!.
- Your highness, the Swedes now are no longer our vassals, but they accepted to stay in the alliance we have with them. The Swedish nobles are quite upset and not very happy with Your Royal Highness.
- I could not care less!. What about the Norwegians?.
- Well, Your Highness, on the news that the Swedes have left the union, the Norwegians put forward that they would like protection, as a part of the kingdom of Denmark.
- Now those people are very intelligent, I have always admired intelligent people. Send them a fruit basket or something to show them our gratitude. We will have a meeting to get a full view of the new situation. Find all the advisors you can, and have them all meet me in the study with the relevant information.
- Yes, your highness, but about our man in Stockholm….
- Yes, yes, send him a fruitbasket too, but don’t throw my money out of the window.
- He had to flee for his life!, the last news of his location pointed to somewhere in Pskov, possibly Moscowy lands.
- What the hell does he or anyone sane want in Pskov!?.
- Hide, Your Highness, several angry Swedish nobles are willing to end his life.
Erik didn’t really seem to mind.
- Well that saves me the fruitbasket!. Now piss off and fetch all the advisors for the meeting in 1 hour.
- But……Your Highness!!!.
- No buts, young advisor, I won’t have buts lying around in these chambers, they make an awful mess out of things. Now move yours and make that meeting ready!.
- Yes, Your Highness.
The young advisor did as he was told, what else could he do?. He couldn’t even send that poor man a fruit basket!.

Ahh, yes fruitbaskets, who does not love fruitbaskets?

Chapter 4.1 Scots love fish, fish love Scots.

The room was full, all the advisors where there, well one was missing, but his son did a pretty good job so that didn’t really matter. Erik had 2 kegs of beer brought in, just in case he would need a cup or two during the meeting.

- well, gentlemen, speak up, we haven’t got all bloody day, have we?.
- Certainly not, Your Highness. As His Highness knows we now have Norway under our just rule.
- Well , lets have some maps then!

-The lands of Norway, Your Highness, with the current population written on the parchment:



- A awful lot of space for so little a population, don’t you think, Advisor?.
- Well, Your Highness, that can be helped, if Your Highness wishes to do something about it.
- Good, what about the Norwegian wealth?.
- Your Highness?.
The advisor looked a bit troubled, Erik wondered why.
- The riches, the gold, the money, God damn it, how much did we get from their coffers!.
- Ehhh, well, you see, the tax collectors….
- Yes, fine men, good workers, what about them?
- They left and took the coffers with them.
Erik’s face went white, then red - then back to white, it didn’t really know what colour it wanted to settle on, some bluish colours made their entry too…..
- WHAAAAT!!!???
- They seem to have left for Sweden for new appointments as diplomat and the like.
- Those no-good lazy sons of sheep’s and goats!.
- There is some more bad news, your highness….
Erik sighed.
- Okay, hit me with it then, but make it quick.
- The Orkneys and Shetland Isles have been turned over to the Scots. In 1365 we made an agreement with the Scots. In the event of Norway being inherited by Denmark for what ever reason we would, as a sign of our friendship with them give them these islands. I’m afraid we cannot ignore that agreement. And well, the Scots love fish as everybody knows.
Erik looked a bit annoyed - to say the least. All the advisors expected another fit of rage from the king, but nothing happened - as if he had turned to salt.
Then Erik fell down from the chair.
- Your Highness!!!

30 minutes later Erik regained his senses.
- Okay, if you have to, go on.
- Well, Your Highness, we also got the Faeroer Isles, Iceland and Greenland.
- Well that will save the day, won’t it!?.
- Your Highness!?.
- Go on!

Maps of the colonies:


- The Norwegian Navy is 10 warships strong and there are also 7 merchant vessels in the fleet. It is at this moment based in Oslo.
- What about the Army?
- Army in Norway, Your Highness, is 10.000 strong with 9000 infantry and 1000 cavalry. The forces are stationed in Bohus Len, southeast of Oslo.
- Well, if you could tell them to live on half salary and they stay in those uniforms, I’m ever happy.
- I will do what my king commands.
- Well, you better, or you will be living the rest of your days without a head - now that, is a handicap in everyday life, I would not wish for anybody.
- Your Highness!?
- Enough for today, now get lost, all of you. My cold is killing me!.
The advisors left the room in a hurry, leaving maps and papers behind, having only their heads in mind.

Always make sure your head is safe, wear a helmet if need be.

well thanx, but give what to the swedes? The cold?.....what a spendid idea!, thanx again, i may still be allied to Sweden but this might come in handy....dont you think Erik VII?
*sniff*
Erik VII: Whatever you say, now get lost, let me suffer in peace!
*sniff*

the pike and sorts you mean?, well my plans are going in another direction, but you will see.
isn't that right, Erik?
Erik VII: The swedes can rock their own boat for now they do not have the power to treathen us, but others have...
Simon-1979: So true Erik, so true!.
ErikVII : Well, im the king, right?
Simon-1979: Yes, you are and?
ErikVII :Well then im ALWAYS RIGHT YOU FOOL!

Chapter 5. Secret warfare

15. May 1419: The room was damp, Erik’s clothing was damp, it was damp outside and his bloody nose was damp too, he couldn’t get rid of that awful cold. His servant had already brought him a keg of warm beer, but the effect of it didn’t really show anymore now that he had been drinking that stuff for some time it didn’t even make him sleepy anymore.
*sniff* *cough*
- Fetch me Baldrick, servant and be quick, maybe he can distract me from that running nose of mine. *sniff*
- Yes, Your Highness.
After a while Baldrick dropped by.
- How is his Royal Highness, today?.
- Royally sick , that’s how I am birdbrain, now get to work.
- Does His Royal Angriness fancy any jokes?.
- His Royal Angriness does. Have some jokes making fun of the Swedish?
Baldrick smiled like a two-year old who just got a lollipop for free.
- Why did the Swedish nobleman walk across the road?
Erik VII closed his eyes.
- I’m gonna’ regret this, I think.
*Sigh*
- Why Baldrick, tell me?
- The Danish soldiers ate his horse!. Your see!?. Hehehehe.
Erik rose from his seat, at started too walk over to Baldrick.
- Baldrick?
-Yes, Your Highness.
- You suck at telling jokes, in fact if I ever get my hands on a tomato, the first thing ill do with it, is throw it at you!.
Baldrick looked a bit nervous, but he still kind of smiled.
- Now Baldrick listen very carefully: If you ever tell me another joke, your dead. You understand?.
- Oh, Your Highness, now you are silly, a joke can’t hurt anybody, I know that, unless you laugh so much that you get tummy-aches that is, it sometimes happens!. My mother always said…..
- Believe me Baldrick a joke can kill, so don’t even mention jokes around me again or we will start having fun with that pike again!.
Baldrick, while having never been in the condition - brainwise, to look clever, sure looked frightened.
- That wasn’t funny at all!!.
- Never mind that, we’ll do it anyway, if a joke gets past those lips of yours!. I’m so bored that I might do it anyway, in advance sort of, knowing that you can’t keep that trap of yours shut for 5 minutes strait even if you were in danger of losing your head because of it.
Erik sat down on his seat again and looked at the beerkeg.
- I need something stronger by the way.
- Your Angriness?.
- Get me some vodka.
Baldrick didn’t seem to know what vodka was. One might have said zebra, and the reaction would have been the same.
- its some alcohol birdbrain!.
Baldrick smiled, now he understood.
- Right away, Your Highness!.
Baldrick started to walk out of the room not knowing that there wasn’t any vodka in all of Denmark and Norway.
Erik sighed
- I’m gonna’ regret this, Erik said to himself, NO!, come back here and ill tell you what to do.
Baldrick stopped. Erik pointed at a spot right next to where he was seated - Baldrick walked over. When Baldrick got there, Erik with a gesture, told him to stand still.
- Just a second!.
*sniff* *cough*
And Erik coughed and sneezed all over Baldrick. Then Erik VII, King of Denmark and Norway and former king of Sweden wiped his royal nose with his royal hand.
- Give me your hand Baldrick.
Baldrick gave Erik his hand and Erik in return gave him a handshake - and lots of other things.
- Now you go on tour in all of Sweden with your jokes, there you will shake every important Swedes hand, and if they don’t want to shake your hand, force them or make their children shake your hand. After that you go east, until you get to a town called Novgorod - there you will get the Vodka. Okay?.
- Yes, Your Highness.
- Good, have the advisor give you the money to buy a couple of crates. Now get lost!.
Baldrick looked a bit worried at his now damp hand and then left the room. With any luck Erik was rid of Baldrick for at least a month or two.
- We may still be allied with Sweden but that does not mean we have to like them!.

Welcome to the early days of biological warfare!

good one Lord Val, you truely meet my standarts of humor! But now ill have to think of something else, you ruined the next update!!!.....guess ill just have to make Erik invade China then

isnt that the true horror of bio-weapons?, they always seem to end up the wrong place.

thanx CSK ill do my best

Chapter 6: With or without a head? - that is the question!

1. January 1420.
The great grumpy Erik VII is asleep, well we can't have that, can we?, we have important business to attend to. Erik had fallen asleep over the map rolled out on his desk:
German political situation in 1419-20. Holstein/Mecklenburg/Oldenburg/Bremen/Pommern are allied. Around 60.000 troops with a growing navy (8 ships and building)


The servant took a short glance at the map and felt a little shiver run down his spine. That man had just taken all of Norway - by peaceful means, but still the peasants where very uneasy and the nobility didn’t seem too fond of their Pomeranian-born king either.
- Your Highness?.
- Hmmmm!?
- Your advisors are here to meet you for the annual meeting
- Bugger off.
- But, Your Highness!.
- Erik VII raised his royal head - and lowered it again - headache as hell. One should never consume more than 3 bottles of vodka per night. One, very fine indeed, lots of fun. Two - one tends to get royally shitfaced and one maybe starts talking to people long since dead - like ones grandfather that always gave one the willies and smelled of old farts. Three - well done! You are basically doomed, and so is ones skull the next morning - especially if you have been resting the same thing on a wooden desk.
- Whatever send them in and bring me an aspirin.
- Sorry, Your Highness, I don’t think we have that lying around.
- Ach, your useless, well then give me something that looks like babypuke and tastes like cow dung, if that does not kill the pain, it at least distracts from it!.
- Well, Your Highness I am not sure that is wise, but I will see what the local midwife can throw together - any particular colours Your Highness fancies?.
- Nay, just make haste.
The servant left the room as quietly he could and when he passed the advisors he made it clear to them that they would have to fear for their head upon walking in if they did not do it by stealth.
- I would be very careful or we all might not be here tomorrow!
The young advisor looked with a sad expression at the study’s door.
*Sigh*
- Well I guess we should be used to it by now, ehh fellows?.
The other advisors did not utter a single word - it spoke volumes of the bloody Encyclopaedia Britannica, and their where right, the young advisors hair had already started to turn grey, and he had not been in Erik’s royal service for more than half a year.
One of the other advisors finally spoke.
- Lets tell Baldrick to come into the study in a few minutes, when he is around we not the first ones to go if he gets a fit.
The young advisor looked disturbed at the other one.
- That’s hideous!, but then again I think your right.
- Good!, then lets get this behind us, remember after this we have peace for at least a week or longer.

When they entered Erik VII looked up for a short while until they closed the door, and then concentrated on the map.
- We have to do something to break up the Hanseatic league, they watch my every move and they grow stronger every day.
The young advisor stepped up fearing the worst - that Erik VII might declare war on the League, - or much worse on an personal level - his head would loose the vital connection with his neck.
- Well, Your Highness, that may be the truth, but we are not in the condition to wage war against the League!.
- Why not? We have a fine army and a grand navy!.
- Yes, certainly Your Highness, but….
- Why is every sentence from you, advisor Grau: yes, Your Highness, but!?.
Advisor Grau’s - the younger’s face grew pale.
- I am terribly sorry, I do not mean to sabotage the plans of His Highness, the King, I simply wish to work for the good of the kingdom. Our army and the navy is as fit as it will ever be but we have minus 1 stability and still a lot of provinces without people, fortifications of any kind or troops to guard our new Norwegian borders!.
Advisor Grau could already smell the log of old wood where his head would rest before it would fall into the basket. That smell would calm him down these last moments, and at least, he told himself, he tried to do his duty. His father would be proud of him!.
Erik looked angry - he even thought of tearing the young mans heart out and playing banjo with his ribs. But then again….
- Yes, I guess you have a point there maybe I should make sure that we have consolidated your new gains before we go off to war.
The whole room sighed in relief, it almost sounded like a heavy breeze crossing the study.
And just in that relaxed moment Baldrick entered.
He himself looked a bit like Erik VII - hammered that is, not royal by any means, don’t get me wrong.
Erik VII started to look irritated again, then again you can’t blame a fool for not having the right timing - it’s part of their nature. Fools are like…..like nitpickers for instance - they pick nits, its that simple - really, it is!. I know what I am talking about here, me being a grand nitpicker in person - I come from a long line of nitpickers, and I am proud of it. As my grandmother once said…..
Well, anyway I am drifting away here I think, lets get back to business shall we?.
- What the hell are you doing here!?
Baldrick looked a bit puzzled.
- Well I thought someone had called for my services?. Was I wrong?.
- Well sort of, but now tat you are here you might as well go fetch that medicine I ordered.
- Medicine?
- Yes, I have got this damned headache and it won’t go away. Go see the midwife and find out if she has found some useful cure.
Baldrick hesitated a bit to long. He didn’t seem as if he had heard Erik speak.
Now Erik’s mood started to touch the red area again.
- What’s the matter with that man, has he gone totally buck-a-roony?
Baldrick shook his head envyingly.
- No, but I would rather stay here, I am scared of that old witch and that witching craft of hers!.
- Oyeh weh!, he has gone bloody tonto!.
Erik took the nearest empty bottle and threw it through the room - miraculously no one was hit.
- NOW, LISTEN!, YOU HAVE THE CHOICE BETWEEN GOING TO THE BLOODY MIDWIFE OR HAVING A THREE-DAY MEETING WITH THE FREAKING ROYAL EXECUTIONER!!! NOW GET ON YOUR WAY BEFORE I SEND YOU TO HER IN PIECES OF 2 BLOODY KILOS EACH!
Baldrick left in a haste - it was one of his rare moments, he actually did something that made him live longer.
Erik looked at the map again - like 4th time for Gods sake!. Does that man not have anything else to do!?.
- Is there any other way we could increase our influence in the region?.
Another advisor stepped up with his hands full of paper sheets.
- Well not really, as soon as we would engage in any adventure in say - the east, Estonia for example, the Hanseatic League could only benefit from taking up arms against us.
Erik understood very well what that meant - he had already tipped the balance of power in the region and any other adventure he started would break, and most importantly make alliances against him.
- For the time being the only ally, we have is Sweden - an unwilling ally at best. How about Sweden’s troops at the moment?.
- The Swedish army is spread thin between east and west. The forces to the east have their hands full guarding the border so we could not expect them to send any help from there. The western forces - about half would maybe be of help as would their fleet, but those forces are only 12.000 men and 15 ships strong at most.
- What is the current strength of the Swedish army in total?.
- Around 26-27.000 men I think.
- Well I guess that is good, sort of. So for the moment we will have to wait until that treacherous woman named Fortuna gets out of her nightgown and shows herself in the right mood ehhh?
- I would think so, your Highness.
- Okay, that’s it then, secure what we got already - but stay sharp!. Now you can all go home and bake a bloody cake or kick your servants. Do whatever you fancy for sports.
- Yes, Your highness!.
- Get your bloody corpses out of my reach! OUT!

Baldrick gets smarter…what’s next? Chocolate cake?