The Age of Nonsensical Idiocity AAR

Ninja had called for all the battle ready people of Bohemia to mobilize in an army and parade in front of him, since his girlfriend had recently dumbed him with and SMS and he was feeling kind off down, and a military parade might cheer him up, or so he thought...

The army of Bohemia was on the courtyard of the castle, doing maneuver practices. Bob had decided to lead his army personally this day, to make sure the parade would be a success.
"One, two, three, and twirl, two three... Claus, you arent even trying." The army halted as Bob stopped and went over to Claus. "A twirl is done like this" Bob showed him a perfectly balanced and koreographed twirl. "What you are doing is just stupid."
"Ya. Ich bein zorry, meine king."
"Its okey..."
Ninja came sneaking from the castle, though no one noticed this since he was a ninja and nobody ever notices ninjas sneaking, even if they are eating stuff at the same time, and playing gameboy, as long as tyhey are sneaking, you wont notice them until they poke you.
"Poke." Ninja said and poked Bob.
"Ah!" Bob screamed. "Protect me, army!" The army walked in front of ninja to protect their king.
Ninja looked at the army and said: "Is this all? Id thought we had more battle ready people in Bohemia then this..."
"Well, they are readily trained..." Bob said in his defense.
"Yeah, but you know, it isnt really what I expected..."
"They are completely loyal, right boys?"
"Sure." The army said.
"Well..." ninja looked sad as he said: "They are only three people... and a goat."
"Yes. I introduce you to the mighty army of Bohemia: Claus, Adolf, Jan Huss and Pinky." The army took a really cool Charlie's angles type position behing the king. It looked good, but still, an army of four people wasn't really that scary.
Ninja inspected his army. One of the soldiers was a funny-looking little man with a cross around his neck.
"Oh, devote, huh? You into christianity? A little bit of a catholic perhaps?"
"NO! NEVER! I HATE THE POPE! I HATE HIM! I REFUSE!" the funny little man screamed from the top of his loungs and jumped out of a window, screaming "YOU WILL NEVER GET ME ALIVE" as he closed in on the ground. Ninja decided not to ask why a window was on the middle of the courtyard, or how Jan Huss could fall even though he was already at ground level. He turned to Bob instead.
"What about those thousands of other people I saw in Prague? Or on the country side?" Ninja asked Bob.
"Well, you specified you wanted people, and according to the Bohemian constituion..."
"Of 1356." Claus added.
"...of 1356, only Germans are considered to be real people. So, I collected all the Germans to your army."
"What about the slavs? The Czechs? All foreigners?" Ninja hadn't really expected this for a constitution.
"Legally, they are cattle, which has lead to a few interesting lawsuits and trials. In fact, Bohemia is the only European nation, apart from Norway, in which cattle can legally sue people. Also, we are the only nation in which cattle is allowed to vote..."
"Apart from Denmark..." Claus once again added.
"...apart from Denmark. Off course, they can't really vote for anything, since we don't have elections, but still... it is a pretty neat right to have."
"Well... make me an army of cattle then, whatever. Just make it better and stronger."
"Okey..."

*A few DP slider changes and a military parade later*
"I feel much better now." Ninja said to Bob.
"I knew you would."
"I mean, that army.. it was awesome. Those infantry with their spears being all "look at us we have spears"-y, and those cavalry with their horses..."
"I liked the Belgian Blue squadrons. Amazing charging power."
"Yes, truly."
A knock was heard on the front door. Bob went there and opened.
"Yes?" He said.
"Hi. We are here to take power and defy the church."
"Claus, is that you?"
"Yes. YOu see, it turned out Jan had left us a lot of money, and we decided to use it to do a coup d'etats. Now, ahnd me over the crown and stuff."
"So it is a civil war then..."
"Yes."
As Claus tried to snatch the crown from Bob, ninja poked him (Claus, not Bob) and snatched Bob and the crown away, and ran away.
"Where did he go?" Claus demanded to know, but it was futile, for ninja had sneaked, and was long gone and impossible to find. Bob and ninja now went into hiding and decided to let the Austrians and Hungarians fight the Hussites (consisting of the old German army, minus the goat Pinky who had retired and opened a coffee shop in Amsterdam instead) for them.

Wait, isn't that same scene in my AAR?

Click to expand...

You got me. =)

Well, I liked the scene so much I decided to steal it. Hope you don't mind.

Ninja had hidden himself and Bob on a most superb place, a place so hidden and secret, so remote and bizarre, that no one, especially no hussite, would ever think of looking for them there. It was such a perfect hiding place, that Ninja considered naming it after himself.
"Couldn't we go out from beneath my bed now? My back hurts!" Bob complained, for he could not compromise the great genius of their hiding place, but then again, he was no ninja, and so he couldn't be expected to understand such things.
"Quiet." Ninja said and looked out from beneath the bed, by lifting the bedsheet (which hang down to the floor) and looking out with an eye, while sneaking so no one would see him. Three hussites was standing there. Very bad, Ninja thought, that was 100% of all the hussites. He wouldn't be able to get Bob of from there.
"You stay here, Bob, while I sneak away and get reinforcements."
"What? I cant stay here, my back hurts too much, and theres only three hussites, damn it!"
But Ninja didnt listen, instead, he sneaked out from beneath the bed (thus remaining unseen) and went to get reinforcements.

Meanwhile, Adolf decided to look under the bed, since he had managed to lost his sandwhich, and everything ends up beneath a bed eventually, and found Bob.
"Ya! Meine kamraten! Das kinghen ist unter das bedd!"
The hussites quickly ran over to the bed and Bob, now cornered, decided to use his intellect to master the hussites. It went something like this:
"Look over there!" On which the hussites turned their heads around, and Bob ran as fast as he could the other way, upon which the hussites started hunting him.
Bob was faster though, and managed to outrun them, and would most likely have gotten out of the castle in time, if it wasnt for the fact that some idiot had put a hole in the floor just ahead of him.

The hussites looked down into the hole.
"Seems the king has fallen." Claus said.
Grete nodded in agreement.
"Wonder what the constitution says about this..." Claus took out a folded peice of paper from his back pocket and unfolded it. It said "Constitution" in bright red letters on the top and had a lot of text written beneath.
"Let's see... ah, yes. If the king has fallen, which he has done into this hole, the first person who calls king and raises his right hand in the air gets to be the new king. Hmm, that was easy."
"I call king!" Grete said and raised her right hand.
"No... you are a woman."
"Ei kaull kingh!" Adolf said and lifter both his hands.
"Ha! You lifted your left hand as well. I call king." Claus said and lifted his right hand, upon which, the hussite war of succession started, as the three could not agree upon, who had really the right to the title of king.

Meanwhile, Bob was in a hole. It was a light hole, not a dark one, and it was full of unemployed soldiers from Italy in one corner, and unused, unclaimed swords and crossbows in the other. This gave Bob an idea...

Lord J. Roxton said:

Awww, I was hoping Adolf would get to be king. Oh well.

Click to expand...

The war of succession isnt finished yet... =)

In a forest somewhere, a small horde had put up its tents and was camping, waiting for the march to get the siege frist to begin. Thye were really only two tiny hordes, but mixed together, they instead became one small.
Half the camp were short, angry people speaking a strange combination of German and Rubbish, wearing several layers of armor, painted blue, all sporitng a stylish mustasch as well. The other were tall, black haired people who wore only light armor, and had biceps the size of the other half of the army, and spoke a language no one understood, possibly not even themselves.
In the middle of the camp, two men were walking, one of the short angry men and one of the tall ununderstandable men, who were copies of the rest except each had a crown on their heads. This was the archduke of Austria and the king of Hungary. The archduke was using a bukcet of paint and a brush to paint a red line right through the camp.
"As I was saying, this side of the line is my camp, the Austrian side. You know, the side that doesnt smell like horses and drink vodka all the time." The archduke said. "The other side is your camp. And dont care how you smell or drink, just dont smell or drink in my side of the camp."
The Hungarian king put a hand under his chin, to show he was pondering the issue. "You know..." he started and looked at the camp behind the archduke. "While I am sure your sausage-eating, women-beating, foul-talking, God-insulting, never bathing, lazy horde of little dwarves is great and all, but I have more men, so the siege will belong to me, once we reach Prague."
"Ah, but here is where you are wrong, my intestine cooking, illiterate, horse-eating, slow-talking, french-loving, odd-speaking, Hungarian friend, for you see, we Austrians have mastered the art of siege stealing to such a degree, a single Austrian cavalry could steal a sige from a hundred thousand "allies" with seven tech levels more."
"Well, that may be true, but you keep forgetting that I am the emperor, and thus I efectivley have military access in all the states of the empire, and will be able to get there first."
"We both share a border with Bohemia, you know..."
"oh... well then, I guess it is a race."
The both looked at each other, and it was an intense moment, like when two cowboys wait for the clock to strike seven so they can shot each other, just standing and staring, focused, waiting...
Suddenly, both men simaltaneously turned around and ran to their camps, screaming: "Disolve the camp! Got on the horses! We have to beat the Austrian/Hungarians."

Meanwhile, the hussites had decided to share the title of king for the time being. They were at the moment holding a rally in Prague, screaming things and holding speaches.
"What do we want?" The agitator, Grete, yelled. The crowd answered: "No more pope!"
"When do we want it?"
"NOW!"
Ninja was sneaking around in the crowd, waiting for the right time to strike, and then, when Grete's body guards turned away, he took up a slingshot, aimed and fired, and then sneaked away.
A water balloon full of olive oil mixed with grind down blue crayons and eggs, with just a pinch of cinnamon, hit Grete in the face, splashing here all blue and sticky and slippery.
Ninja laughed loudly as he sneaked away down the street.