Ark-Tangent: An Ethiopia AAR

The year is 1419, which, interestingly, turns out to be a prime number. (Not really.)

Enter Emperor Yeshaq the Competent:



Yeshaq: I grow bored. Character Not Important Enough For a Name! Get over here!

CNIEFaN: Yes, my Emperor?

Yeshaq: I wish to become a megalomaniacal dictator! How do I go about doing this?

CNIEFaN: Well, you could levy oppressive taxes upon your subjects.

Yeshaq: Good idea! Start on it!

CNIEFaN: But, my Emperor! We have to research technology before doing that!

Yeshaq: What? How hard could it be to collect taxes?

CNIEFaN: My Emperor, those are the rules...

Yeshaq: Fine, fine, fine. Let it be.



Yeshaq: Now, what else can I do?

CNIEFaN: Well, you could centralize your Empire.

Yeshaq: Centralize?

CNIEFaN: Yes, my Emperor. You know, impose a uniform standard on measurement, keep up the roads, reduce the autonomy of the regional lords, impose your will on your people...

Yeshaq: Impose my will on my people? I'll do it! From now on, everyone must... well... what should I do?

CNIEFaN: You could keep up the roads and rein in corruption in the outer provinces.

Yeshaq: No, no. The other thing. I know, let's have casual Fridays!

CNIEFaN: Casual Fridays?

Yeshaq: Yeah! You know, every Friday, you can dress casually! It will be an empirewide standard!

CNIEFaN: But it's Tuesday.

Yeshaq: I know! I can't wait for Friday.



Yeshaq: Now, what else can I do?

CNIEFaN: (thinking) Well, you could start randomly executing people in your realm...

Yeshaq: Good idea! Guards! Execute this unimportant man!

Guards: (In unison) Yes, my Emperor!

CNIEFaN: What? But I just- Gwrrrarghraghurgle...

Yeshaq: And kindly execute yourselves as well.

Guards: (In unison) Yes, my Emperor! Gwrrarghraghurgle...

-A pause, as Yeshaq watches the death throes of the Guards and the CNIEFaN-

Yeshaq: Well, that sucked. I hereby issue an edict that everyone in the Empire practice their death gurgles. Those death gurgles were pathetic! Next time I execute somebody, I want a decent death gurgle!

Not very many years into Emperor Yeshaq's reign, a strange type of people appeared in the Horn of Africa. They claimed to be from across the Great Sea, in a land inconceivably far away. (Since Ethiopia is completely landlocked, no one has any idea what the Red Sea is, except for old legends of myths of tales of a great body of water, far far away.) They called themselves the Omanis.

*INSERT PICTURE HERE*

With technology infinitely times superior to the Ethiopians, (Ethiopia has land tech 0. 1/0 = infinity.) the Omanis promptly began killing everything in sight. Fortunately, they only killed Somalis. And how they killed them! Up and down the coast, slaughtering Somalis in every province! For absolutely no reason, it seemed, but Emperor Yeshaq managed to send some observers to observe the Somali death gurgles as the Omanis slew them. (When they returned, Yeshaq had them immediately executed, and observed that their own death gurgles had improved considerably.)

*INSERT PICTURE HERE*

And so, at great expense to the Imperial Treasury, Emperor Yeshaq rounded up a hundred of the most talented death-gurglers in the Empire, and sent them south-east to Mogadiscio to learn the art of the Somali death gurgle, as well as how to roller-skate.

*INSERT PICTURE HERE*

However, the Omanis, as you recall, managed to kill most of the Somalis, so there were none to be found. Enraged, Yeshaq executed all one hundred, then just for the heck of it, sent another batch and executed them as well. Then, thinking that it would be a good idea to have a colony at Mombasa, sent another one hundred and didn't execute them this time. They founded the city of Mogadishu, or Mogdishu, or whatever the hell it's called.

*INSERT THREE PICTURES HERE*

Then, through an unexplained plothole, the Omanis left, seemingly for no reason. Perhaps never to return?

*INSERT PICTURE HERE*

Then Emperor Yeshaq noticed that it was a Friday, so he promptly changed out of his royal vestments into a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and sandals. He then took the rest of the day off.

Sorry for the lack of pictures, but my computer found a perfect time to go down again. In this update, basically Omanis come from nowhere and start slaughtering Somali natives by the thousands, up and down the coast. The province to the south-east of me, I think it's the one with Mombasa, became empty, as well as four other provinces, so I colonized it. I failed twice, then succeeded on my third try, using up most of the 200 ducats Ethiopia starts with.

EDIT: Ah, it's up on the very first screen-shot. o The province of roller-disco, or whatever.