Meet the Habsburgs

Scene 1
Sitting in a room are King Friedrich V of Austria, his daughter in law, Maria Habsburg, and two young children; Albert and Claudia. Then, Maximilian I, Friedrich's middle aged son, enters.

Maximilian: Hi everyone. I've got the mail, here. Let's see... bill, bill, letter from Greschen... hmmm. Here's a letter from your school, Albert.

Maximilian holds up the letter. On the return address, we see that it is from The Venice School for Rich Kids. Maximilian then opens the letter and reads the contents aloud.

Maximilian: 'This letter is to inform you that your child is failing the courses of Astronomy, Latin, and Mathematics at The Venice School for Rich Kids. This is a warning. We will have to expel your child if he does not begin receiving better grades soon.'
Friedrich V: AUGH!!!!!!!!!!! I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!!!!!!

Friedrich collapses. Maximilian runs to him, as the rest of the family freezes, mortified.

Maximilian: Father! Father!
Friedrich, gasping: Son... you must... must... fight... you must fight the... Venetians... They must... pay...

Friedrich dies.

Maximilian: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Scene 2
It is a few years later. A war against Venice is in progress. Maximilian, now king, is in the Royal Office, talking with a secretary.

Maximilian: So, what's the latest news?
Secretary: Well, there is good and there is bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Maximilian: Hmmmmmmmmmmm. I'll toss a coin. Wait... I don't have a coin. Well, I guess I'll take the bad news, then, because it can't possibly be worse than not having a coin.
Secretary: Well, the seige of Venice isn't going so well. Istria is under our control, but when we got to the capital, our 45000 troops were beaten by 12000 Venetians. We did eventually get the seige underway, but our troops forgot their bathing suits and are unable to cross the Venetian canals. No progress has been made since.
Maximilian: Boo hoo. What's the good news?
Secretary: We have received a Gift to the State, totaling 100 ducats.
Maximilian: Yippee! I think I'll give someone a raise.

Maximilian walks out of his office. The first person he sees is the Royal Janitor.

Maximilian: Hello good sir! What's your name?
Janitor: Von Frundsberg.
Maximilian: Splendid. Well, Mr. Von Frundsberg, would you like a raise?
Janitor/Von Frundsberg: Why, yes! How kind of you, your majesty! Is there anything I can do in return?
Maximilian: Actually, yes there is. Go to Venice and take over the seige. I want the province under my control by next month.
Von Frundsberg: Uh... ok.

Scene 3
Von Frundsberg is at Venice. Luckily, he has a plan. Using his vacuum cleaner, he sucks all the water out of the canals. Then he walks into the city and takes the province.

Scene 4
The King of Venice and King Maximilian are working out a peace treaty.

Maximilian: So... How about you give me Istria and 150 ducats.
King of Venice: Never.

Long pause.

King of Venice: Would you be so kind as to take Istria and 293 ducats?
Maximilian: Ok.

Credits Roll

Episode 2, Halloween Special
Scene 1
It is a nice day in the harvest season of 1500 AD. The Habsburgs have just arrived in The International Pumpkin Pie Eating Contest in Cambrai, in which King Maximilian will participate. They all look happy, thanks to their booming economy and strong military. As they walk into the Pie Eating Arena, we see several other contestants, such as Pope Julius II, King Louis XII, Piero Soderino of Florence, and Leonardo Loredano of Venice.

Pope Julius II, whispering: Psst, Maximilian, come here.

The pope signals for Louis XII and Piero Soderino to come over also.

Pope Julius II: Those Venetians seem a little too sure of themselves. I say we organize a League to work against them. Are you in?
Maximilian, Piero, and Louis: Gladly - Yes! - Of course.
Pope Julius II: Excellent. Here's the plan...

Scene 2
Whatever the plan was, it failed, because Leonardo Loredano is holding a trophy, his face covered in orange pie substance.

Maximilian: That imbecile! Let us declare war on Vencice so we may burn his house down! Who's with me?
Pope, Piero, Louis: Hmm... I don't know - Pie contests are one thing, wars are another - Not me.

Scene 3
Meanwhile, Von Frundsberg is trick-or-treating in Venice. Wearing the costume of a lion, he knocks on the door of a mansion.

Von Frundsberg: Trick or treat!

The mayor of the city of Venice opens the door.

Mayor: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGHH! A LION!!!
Von Frundsberg: Heh. Yes. Can I have some candy?
Mayor: Take all the candy you want!!! Take the province of Venice!!! Just don't h-h-h-urt me-e!

The mayor drops to the ground and weeps.

Von Frundsberg: Hmm. OK. I wonder if this trick will work on Dalmatia.

It does.

Scene 4
Von Frundsberg is talking with Maximilian, back in Austria.

Maximilian: Excellent! You are, without a doubt, the greatest general ever to walk the earth! Not to mention your janitorial skills!
Von Frundsberg: Thank you, sir. We control all the Venetian provinces on the mainland, but they still maintain several islands in the Mediterranean.
Maximilian: Well? What are you waiting for? Do your cunning custodial conquerings on them!
Von Frundsberg: We'll need a fleet, sir.
Maximilian: A fleet!?!?!?!?! What the devil is that!?!?!?!

Cue Dramatic Music
Title Screen: To Be Continued.
Cut to Black

Thanks everyone!

Wolfhound: Yes. This should be a lesson to all of Europe not to win against Maximilian in pie eating contests.
Farquharson: I have a few ports in the Netherlands and one in Istria, but no boats, and I haven't reached the tech level that allows you too build transports, yet.
tombom: It's really an honor to make you cry!
Rythin: I don't know what I would do without Von Frundsberg
Troggle: The first update was 1492-1499. I'm playing Age of Exploration, so far only hinted in my first post.

I'm suffering from writer's block and severe lack of motivation. I'd estimate you can expect one [next week] some time.