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Wilhem Wonker and the Chocolate Factory

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Caballero de la Triste Figura
Sep 26, 2004
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Hi, I'm Lord John Roxton, and I am J. Passepartout's brother. I'm doing an AAR, because I'm bored. I've barely ever played this game before, so it should be amusing to you all. I actually have previous works posted on these fora, but I can't link to them. Maybe my brother will. Anyway, this AAR is set in Mainz, and my goal is to unite present-day Germany. It is called...

Wilhem Wonker and The Chocolate Factory

Once upon a time, there was a quaint little Chocolate factory along the Rhine in the quaint province of Mainz. However, beneath it's quaintness, trouble of the corporate sort was thoroughly active. It's CEO, the great Wilhem Wonker, was in desperate need more money. One chilly April morning he sat in his boardroom discussing the matter with his executives. "We need a new ad campaign," said the executive.

"Perhaps we could take advantage of the our religious demographics in the Holy Roman Empire. I saw a recent survey that said that 98.6% of Germans are Catholics," replied another.

"Ah, that's brilliant! We could have a commercial with the Pope eating one of our Holy Wafer Bars," exclaimed a third.

"Yes, we're definately on to something here," came a rare comment from Mr. Wonker, "but I believe we should introduce a brand new flavor for this new campaign."

"I agree. How about a wine flavored one? We could call it 'Water to Wine on a Stick," said a small executive at the end of the table.

"That's perfect!," yelled Mr. Wonker, jumping to his feet. "But we only have a limited share in the wine market. The local market is nearly monopolized by Strassburg Alcoholic Wholesale Inc. We'll need to send Lawyer Erfurt and some Oompa-Loompa secretaries down there to perform a hostile takeover. We need more shares!"

The lawyers of the Mainz Chocolate Company (henceforth refered to as MCC) and the lawyers of Strassburg Alcoholic Wholesale Inc. (henceforth refered to as SAWI) had a fierce argument to win the loyalty of the shareholders, eventually won by Mainz. Unfortunately, there was tons of paperwork to deal with, and it was nearly a year before SAWI had been completely annexed.

Unfortunately, by that time, the MCC's budget was depleted. Without time to wait for their new ad campaign to kick in, the hastily fired half the company's Oompa-Loompas, disbanding much of the secretarial staff. Thousands of freaks were now without jobs, but things were finally looking up for the MCC. Of course, when one is successful, people have an awful way of, well, hanging around... That night, during a great party with the wine they now had, Mr. Wonker, while intoxicated, signed a "full faith and credit" contract, requiring that a substantial amount of aid was to be given to Lorraine Cheese Corp., including mutual protection from hostile takeovers.
 
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The "full faith and credit" agreement was more useful than Wonker would have ever expected. Only a couple months after the agreement was made, a gluttonous, idiotic employee of The Palatinat Polling and Electoral Advice Company gained 4 pounds over a weekend vacation. Part of his diet that weekend had been three MCC chocolate bars! He was now prepared to sue the MCC for 'damage caused by loss of self-esteem due to obesity'. Employees of companies in Cologne and Kleves were also signatories to the lawsuit.

Wonker was in big trouble. Only the most pathetic of the Oompa-Loompas agreed to return to the company quickly, as most of them knew they would just be fired again when the court case was over. Luckily, Lorraine Cheese Corp. was faithful to their agreement, and gave legal aid.

When the obesity victims heard of Lorraine's involvement, they decide to devote their primary attention to them, so they could get wheels of cheese as a settlement. This gave Wonker a chance to get prepared.

Wonker quickly sent what lawyers and secretaries he had into The Palatinat. Lorraine won their court case, and sent their lawyers to take care of Cologne. Before they knew it, Lorraine Cheese Corp. (LCC) and the MCC had won a complete victory over the plaintiffs. The judge ruled that The Palatinat Polling and Electoral Advice Company (PPEAC) was to give a yearly gift of stock and a seat on the board of directors to Mainz. The MCC rejoiced, and the Oompa-Loompas wrote a song on the incident:

PPEAC! PPEAC!
An epidemic, they claim, is obesity!
They stuff themselves all day and all night,
And blame it on others! Oh, that's just not right!

Oompa Loompa, doopidy-doo
Their company's lunchroom resembles a zoo!
Oompa Loompa, doopidy-dee
Those guys' clothes would fit quite well on a tree!

-M'bambo Weirdears

Now that those silly people had been taken care of, the Bank Company was convinced that the MCC was financially stable enough to take a loan. With this loan, the PPEAC was subsidized and they over-hauled the budget department, starting withholding income tax from employee's paychecks. Apparently an Oompa-Loompa wrote a song about this, too, but I don't know where it is.
 
I'm actually leading in VPs at the moment, though I don't expect that to last. I would have annexed the Palatinat instead of vassalizing them, but my BB points were already high enough, and I couldn't survive another war at this point. Anyway, things should start rolling along now. I'll soon have a baliff.
 
ust the AAR I like. Very very nice....and situated around one of my favorite movies! :)
 
Glad you all like it.

At this point, things were going quite well for the MCC. But, as always, Wilhem Wonker managed to convinced himself that he needed money. While browsing through the Wall Street Journal, he saw an article with success stories of several billionaires, including the Castillan entrepreneur Donaldo Trumpo, through reality theatre. Soon, Wonker had organized his own reality show, in which employees from six different companies would compete to make money while stranded in the woods.

Early in the progam, the employee from Lorraine Cheese Corp tried allying himself with one from Petit Bretegne & Co (PB&C*)! This was obviously a foolish move, as their bases were located hundreds and hundreds of miles apart. The MCC, of course, could not allow that, and in a dramatic boardroom meeting, LCC and the PB&C were fired. Wonker felt sorry for LCC, whom he had admired, but now gave his support to the more promising France Mega-Super Corporation.

In the next week's show The Palatinat tried selling berries to woodchucks in Mainz, unaware that those berries were poisonous. Wonker was rightfully furious, as he had planned to use these woodchucks in his candy. The Palatinat was fired. The person from Hessen Cloth Realters laughed at this, calling it a 'big mistake', so Wonker went ahead and fired that guy, too.

That left France Mega-Super Corporation (FMSC) and Saxony Beer Makers (SBM). SBM tried making beer out of rocks, which killed many many people. They were instantly fired, making FMSC the winners! FMSC had the brilliant plan of enslaving deer and selling them to chimpunks, by the way.

Though FMSC may have won the reality show, Wonker and the MCC were the real winners. Their publicity stunt had been a true success, spreading their influence on all the countries they had fired (except PB&C, because, as I said, they were hundreds and hundreds of miles away). Plus the Ducats were just rolling in. The MCC's marketing empire had grown to six German and French provinces; Mainz, Alsace, Lorraine, Anhalt, Pfaltz, and Hessen; while gaining a friendship with the greatest company in the world: France Mega-Super Corporation.

*known as Peanut Butter & Custard by the obesity victims in The Palatinat

OK, that whole thing was a bit more dramatic in the actual game than in my little story here. After Lorraine added Brittany to the alliance (who kept asking me to participate in stupid Western wars), I dishonored the alliance, and then declared war on and annexed Lorraine. Then my vassals in The Palatinat, along with waaaaay more countries than I remember, declared war on me. Over the course of that super-war, I annexed Hessen from Hessen, Anhalt from Saxony, and Pfaltz (The Palatinat's only province). Now my country is pretty big. In central Europe, only France, Austria, and Burgundy exceed me in size. Oh yeah, Denmark is about my size, also. They're next to go, since I want Mecklemberg or whatever it's called.
 
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Finally, confirmation that Passepartout's insanity is genetic.







........................................heh. :D Okay, maybe not insanity, just a terribly funny gene. Do bulls snort and charge at Donaldo Trompo's hairpiece?
 
In the limited amount of time I have to visit these forums during the week, I must choose between the Greece RPG and the AAR forum. Lately, I've been going with the RPG, but when I saw that my AAR had sunk to the second page, I decided I should revive it.

Anyway, I rushed this one and I'm not particularly proud of it. It is a little too silly, even for me. Tell me what you think.

Wonker goes Bonkers! The Early 1470's​

Our new friends at the France Mega-Super Corporation were filing a lawsuit against England Hot Dog Company, whom France insisted was trying to monopolize the French market in Europe. France, of course, was winning, and Wonker wanted a part in it. That day, Wonker started an urban legend that is still perpetuated to this day. He claimed that rather ungodly things were put into the hot dogs England was making. The rumor spread quickly, and, soon, employees of England had quit their jobs in the provinces Calais, Caux, and Normandie. The employees were now loyal to the Mainz Chocolate Company and prepared to join the MCC altogether, but the MCC decided to see if they could get money, instead.

As usual, just as things were started to go well for the MCC, everything suddenly collapsed. In this case, just as England was about to bribe Mainz with enormous amount of money, France won the lawsuit and Mainz had no further say. This bothered Wonker to an unimaginable degree. He was so close! At that point, though it may have been entirely unrelated, Wonker went insane. Luckily, an elder Oompa-Loompa did some research and claimed that his insanity was to be only temporary, but, then again, why would you trust an Oompa-Loompa?

Then came a few perfectly timed (← sarcasm) events. Burgundy & Son Law Firm sued the MCC on the charge of 'no apparent reason'. Then, France, who had been lowering their opinion of us lately, dishonered us and refused to help! The CEO of France Mega-Super Corporation, Donáld L'Trumpe himself, commented on the matter 'Az we hauve already determauned wiz Stacie J, I zeemply cannot 'ave a crazy person een my alliaunce. Wonker, you're fired from ze alliaunce.'

Putting the failed alliance behind him, Wonker invited a few Burgundian lawyers to his factory, where he showed them a glass elevator. When they had all boarded it, Wonker pressed a button and stepped out quickly. The elevator, along with the Burgundians, was launched deep into space. Wonker got away with the crime, and the Burgundians had lost some of their best lawyers. In a surge of panic, Burgundy canceled the court case, and nothing was lost or gained.

Now, some employees at a company in Wurzburg, and some of their friends in Saxony, caught on to the fact that Wonker was insane, and tried to sue him. Luckily, these were small, pathetic countries with bases in only one province. Wonker decreed that ten thousand tons of cat food were to be dumped the mascots of the two countries, which, for whatever reason, was very effective. A hostile takeover was performed on Saxony without a problem, and Wurzburg gave the MCC a bunch of money and became a subsidiary company of the MCC.

And, after all that, it was concluded that the MCC did pretty well for a company controlled by an insane man.
 
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Time for an update. Please comment on it if you have anything whatsoever to say.

One mid 1470's day, Wilhem Wonker was in his private study paging through his new Leute Magazine, when he saw a big picture of himself, along with a ten page article! Wonker was temporarily delighted, untill he read the headline: Wonker is the Spawn of Satan. Within the article, Wonker learned that the MCC had no positive relations with anyone on the face of the world. In fact, some companies believed that Wonker wanted to sacrifice their children to the devil.

The matter was discussed later that day in an MCC boardroom meeting. "Sacrifice their children!?" Wonker screamed, completely infuriated, "Why I've only once in my life done that!"
The boardroom members were silent, afraid of further provocation.
"And it was the kid's fault! He was drinking from my chocolate waterfall!" Wonker continued.
The boardroom was again completely quiet.

"Well, obviously I need to get my popularity up. How do you become popular, Jerry?"
Jerry replied cautiously, "Well, maybe you could try to get more attention."
"Ah, I see," Wonker exclaimed, "We'll just get some contraversial child labor laws established, and maybe do a hostile takeover or two."
The boardroom members again were silent, unwilling to take the risk of pointing out to Wonker what a ridiculously terrible idea this was.

By the end of the year, the MCC was suing the Brandenburger Corporation, for the sole purpose of getting attention. One by one, he pointed out the serious health risks of eating Magdeburgers, Mecklemburgers, and the not so interestingly named 'hamburgers from Bremen'. He won the court case, completely wiping out the burger industry in those three provinces, and claiming that territory for himself. However, this certainly didn't help his popularity. The Royal Bank of Scotland, Habsburg & Son Law Firm, and one of those Polish companies whose names are unspellable all sent sent lawyers to destroy the MCC once and for all...

To be continued.

map1.jpg

An MCC sales chart after the Mainz Chocolate Company v. Brandenburger Corporation trial.​
 
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