Rum and Djinn - with a twist

dharper · Aug 15, 2004

RUM AND DJINN - WITH A TWIST

An After Action Report set in the Ottoman Empire (AGCEEP 1.32 with v1.08) but with one important difference: we're not even trying for seriousness here.

One Angel. One Devil. And an assortment of hapless Ottoman Sultans trapped in between them. Whether Heaven or Hell wins their souls, you know the Christians are gonna lose.

Rated PG-13 for religious controversy. I'm not trying to offend anybody, and I hope everyone understands this is just meant as humor. Not a statement about ANY religion.

Read on...and enjoy!

dharper · Aug 15, 2004

1419

1419

Mehmed, Sultan of the Ottoman Turks: Seventeen...years! Seventeen years since those ignomious Mongols crushed our forces. Seventeen years since that dark day at Ankara. And the fool Tamerlane didn't even have the grace to stay alive long enough for me to take vengeance!

Kieron, Duke of Hell: Hey, count your (urp) blessings - even if you wanted to, you couldn't reach his front lines! Where you'd be ground up for sausage, might I add.

Mehmed: Blessings? Blessings?! How can I, when it has taken us this long just to recover a modicum of...of...who are you? And, um, how did you get in here? Are those HORNS? And--

Kieron: Whoa, whoa! Relax, Mehmed baby! I've been sent here to answer your prayers!

Mehmed: I didn't think Allah would send such an... imposing...messenger. Is that a TAIL?

Kieron: Could you not do that?

Mehmed: Do what?

Kieron: Use His name in vain. It's one of the commandments, isn't it? I'm almost certain of it, although, uh, I haven't read the Koran for, I dunno, a while.

Mehmed: By Allah! You're no angel! You're an...an...ifrit!

Kieron: Give the man a prize. What tipped you off - the smoke coming out of my nostils? AND STOP SAYING THAT NAME!

Mehmed: Allah! Allah! Allah! Allah!

Kieron: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Don't be so annoying. You can't get rid of me, you know.

Mehmed: You dare say such a thing to a man of God? I have the holy mantle of the Ottoman sultans behind me! I CALL UPON MY ANCESTORS HOLY WRATH TO PROTECT ME FROM THIS DEMON!! GOD PROTECT ME FROM THIS DEVIL!

Kieron: Heh, heh, heh! That's rich, Mehmed baby. So, shall we get down to business?

Mehmed: [nonplussed] Er...get thee behind me, Satan?

Kieron: He's busy, but I'll ask him if he wants to join us.

Mehmed: No! Nonononono! It was just a...figure of speech. Wait! Wait a minute. Why aren't you, uh, cowering in fear of my righteous wrath? My holy office should be enough by itself, but with my holy ancestry added in--

Kieron: Ha! Ha! Ha! Stop it, you're killing me!

Mehmed: I am the ancestor of Osman! When Rum faced its darkest day, he drove the Mongols from Sogut!

Kieron: ...and claimed it for himself, helping to break the power of the Seljuks and ensure they'd never recover. Yep, a real go-getter, Osman. My kind of man! A little hard on the troops, though. I remember this one time he caught one of his soldiers engaging in, shall we say, a little 'extra-curricular activity' with these five Mongol women--

Mehmed: Uh...well...I am the grandson of Orhan! He conquered northwestern Anatolia and took Gallipoli, establishing a foothold in Europe - something even the Seljuks had never done!

Kieron: Oh yeah, that smacks of holiness to me. I'm scared now!

Mehmed: He brought Islam to the infidel Christians! Took their churches away from them! Made them see the light!

Kieron: Death, death, destruction, death...Mehmed always did like a good barbeque. I'm sorry, were you still talking?

Mehmed: My father was Murad! He took Adrianopole and, naming it Erdine, made it the capital!

Kieron: [yawning] And what have YOU done, lately?

Mehmed: M-me? Why, I've--

Kieron: Basically, you lost Rum to the Mongols when they came back.

Mehmed: I have rallied my people...

Kieron: Good show! Now you're ripe to conquer again! And, Mehmed Baby...I can help you!

Mehmed: H-help me?

Kieron: Just like I helped ol' Osman drive out the Mongols.

Mehmed: I...see.

Kieron: Trust me, Mehmed baby. I know all, I see all...by the way, your wife is having an affair with your best friend...

Mehmed: Which wife?

Kieron: Uh...shoot, that line always worked with crusaders! Look, I can be your best advisor. Take the situation now: Serbia would round out our borders in Europe, let you become the scourge of Christiandom. And they're weak, Mehmed baby. Alone, and weak now that they owe the Magyars.

Mehmed: Hmm. What you say...makes sense. I think we may be able to come to an agreement...on one condition.

Kieron: You want Constantinople? I can give it to you, Mehmed baby. How about a nice Christian princess as your slave? Doable. A mountain of hashish? Can do.

Mehmed: No, that's not it.

Kieron: Then what?

Mehmed: You will NEVER, EVER call me 'baby' again.

Kieron: [long stare] O-kaaay. You know, you're a kind of nutball, Meh.

Mehmed: And not 'Meh' either!

Kieron: Whoops, too late! Already agreed!

[suddenly the room is filled with light and song. As both fade, we realize there are now three figures in the room]

Haphiel: I came as fast as I could! Now, to fight evil!

Kieron: [coughing] Damn divine light...always gives me a headache...

Haphiel: Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.

Kieron: You're not allowed to be sarcastic! You're still on the up-and-up!

Haphiel: Indeed. And I am here in response to the call of this man to help him against you.

Kieron: Too late. Meh's already agreed to have me here.

Haphiel: But...but...

Kieron: Man, you guys ALWAYS fall for the old 'let's persecute the Jews' trick.

Haphiel: Have you fallen so far that you don't understand? They ARE the Lord's--

Kieron: Um. Haphiel? Ixnay on the almudtay.[He nods his head towards the now-cowering Sultan]

Haphiel: What? OH! Ahem. Er...LO, DO NOT TREMBLE IN MY PRESENCE, MORTAL. ONLY REJOICE, THAT HEAVEN IS WITHIN YOUR REACH, AS IT IS TO ALL MEN.

Mehmed: Angel! Save me from this...demon...who has tempted me sorely!

Kieron: No can do, Mehmed. You agreed to let me stay.

Haphiel: I...I'm afraid he's right. I cannot interfere where I'm not wanted.

Mehmed: But...but...

Haphiel: But don't worry. Heaven will not abandon you.

Kieron: [incredulously] It won't?

Mehmed: [hopefully] It won't?

Haphiel: No. I shall stay and advise you.

Kieron: Oh, great! Just CENSORED great! [pause] What was that?

Haphiel: Oh, I just don't think profanity is called for.

Kieron: WHAT? You CENSORED son of a CENSORED! I'll CENSORED your CENSORED with a CENSORED CENSORED!

Mehmed: Well, well...it looks like the shoe is on the other foot now! So, with the angels and demons beside me, my armies shall march on Serbia! Ha ha ha!

Kieron: Don't be an ass. Serbia isn't worth it.

Mehmed: But you SAID--

Kieron: That was before I knew there'd be opposition here to argue.

Mehmed: But--

Haphiel: Well, personally, I think Serbia would be WONDERFUL. You'd have a chance to show the wonders of Islam! To show them that you're capable of mercy, tolerance and charity! And all in a province that's suffering under the heavy yoke of the Magyars, their churches unpopular, their people poor and suffering--

Kieron: You're new at this, aren't you? Trust me, the first thing to do is consolidate your position in Turkey. With the Mongol threat gone, you're as close as they get to a local power. With exactly half your people Christian, you NEED to tip the balance.

Mehmed: And I'd be able to tax them more easily!

Kieron: You got it. Speaking of which, you desperately need to raise taxes in your empire. How about appointing some tax collectors? Give 'em quotas and let them keep anything else they shake down from the plebs. That's a no-cost system that gives the people easy targets in revolts - far away from your palace.

Haphiel: [horrified] That's...that's...

Mehmed: Genius!

Haphiel: This happened LAST time, too.

Kieron: Don't be a sore loser. Isn't that one of the commandments, too?

Haphiel: Just shut up. We have eternal patience in Heaven, you know.

Mehmed: I will do as you say, oh Djinn. I will turn my armies upon the fractured Ghazi states of Teke and Germiyan and--

Kieron: No, no, no. Like you say, they're fractured. They're tiny. They're incapable of forming a united front. Leave them 'till last. I say you've got bigger troubles up north, where you have a REAL claim. Your grandfather had pretty much all of Castamonu except Sinope. Why not take it ALL? Prove you're the bigger man?

Mehmed: Indeed...

Haphiel: Oh, WHY didn't I go into Hindu Avatars like my Archon told me to?

unmerged(7845) · Aug 15, 2004

*LOL!* that´s a great start! you´ve just tempted and caught your first reader!

unmerged(31994) · Aug 15, 2004

Although Im muslim and find this a tad bit, insulting? however I know you dont mean to offend us. Anyway its funny and I'll remain a "zealous" reader.Keep up the good work

dharper · Aug 15, 2004

1420

Mehmet: You know...looking out at Kastamonu like this, it's a wonderful feeling.

Murad: Yes, father?

Mehmet: Oh, yes. I feel so free!

Murad: Free? You are the Sultan, oh king.

Mehmet: Yes, yes. But...[looking around] there are dark powers afoot!

Murad: Oh, no...

Mehmet: Oh yes! Listen to me: Djinns are real! And devils! Devils are real! Devils and demons and imps and, and--

Murad: Happy fairies?

Mehmet: Yes! Devils and demons and imps and happy fairies, they're ALL REAL!

Murad: Calm down, father. You'll dig yourself an early grave. Now, I'm going to bed - I suggest you do so as well, oh lord and master.

Mehmet: You don't believe me.

Murad: How can I?

Mehmet: You'll see. When I'm dead.

Murad: Right. Well. Goodnight, father.

Mehmet: ...Maybe he is right. Perhaps it was just only a dream. I haven't seen them since, and it has been a year, after all. [twitch] Exactly one year. [nervous laugh] Why, if I believed in coincidences, I'd say that they'll be here any minute! [laughter] [pause] [runs for the door and yanks it open]

Kieron: Mehmet! I was just coming to see you!

Mehmet: [sobs]

Kieron: Hey, why the glum face? You've done well. Kastamonu is yours now. Nice palace, by the way. I particularly like the bloodstains. Very gothic. Or was that last century? I can never remember. Help me out here - have they discovered Cuba yet?
[a blinding flash of light later]

Kieron: AAUGH! My eyes!

Haphiel: My child, I have arrived to maintain balance in the world.

Kieron: I'll balance YOU, you [CENSORED] piece of--oh, no. Not again.

Mehmet: It...it wasn't a dream, after all.

Haphiel: Be not afraid. To preserve this fragile world, our powers made an ancient compact. Our presence in the world can be felt only in small ways.

Kieron: Hey hey HEY! Does the phrase 'trade secrets' mean anything to you?

Haphiel: He deserves to know. He deserves to make choices without fear.

Kieron: Let's talk about what YOU deserve...

Mehmet: So...what you're saying is you can only be here once a year?

Haphiel: Indeed, you have hit upon it. This time of trials will soon be over. Take courage, my son.

Kieron: And hurry up - I'm booked in Beijing on Tuesday.

Mehmet: [craftily] I had no idea I was so important.

Kieron: Important? Mehmet, ba--Mehmet, you have no idea. Look at what you've done in just one year! Kastamonu is yours.

Haphiel: At terrible cost. Eleven months of siege, tens of thousands dead--

Kieron: Come on, let's not bring civilians into this. [Haphiel starts to speak] OR enemy soldiers.

Haphiel: 7,000 then. Seven thousand dead, crippled and deserted. Would you so callously spend their lives?

Mehmet: It would have been more, but I had a dream that told me to recall General Hamza to the capital, leaving behind a small force to capture the city. Without his skill the siege took eleven months, but fewer lives were lost to the winter's scarcity.

Haphiel: Oh...er...[blushes]...that was me.

Kieron: Hey, way to go! I didn't know you had it in you to be ruthless!

Haphiel: [ruffling his feathers] I...it's not like that. I wanted to save lives. Since Kastamonu was under siege without hope of reprieve, I just wanted to spare some Turkish lives. You'd do the same in my place.

Kieron: Sure I would.

Mehmet: I explained your system of taxation to my beys, oh demon spawn.

Kieron: I prefer to be called 'Kieron', or, if you have to use one of my titles, 'please not my finger'.

Haphiel: "Please not my finger"?

Kieron: It makes more sense in context.

Mehmet: Well, I explained it to them, but they did everything they could to oppose the idea! Said it wasn't feasible, told me it would take years...it wasn't until October that they even agreed it could be done. It may be months yet until I see any return on my investment and it has cost me near the entire treasury to do so!

Kieron: Trust me - the return will be worth it in, oh, say, seventeen months.

Mehmet: Eh? Why so...specific a date?

Kieron: You'll see.

Haphiel: You know, the people won't like these new taxes. Especially the Christians.

Kieron: They can suck it up! Remember the Crusaders? Preying on Muslim lands when you were throwing everything you had against the Mongols?

Haphiel: No, no, remember the prophet Muhammed, who called the Christians 'the Children of the Book' and preached tolerance?

Kieron: Weren't you paying attention? Your so-called vassals, the Byzantines, have invaded the Ghazi states of Ionia! They'd stick it to you if they could. Why not do it to them first?

Haphiel: Do you not remember the Golden Rule? The Koran says that you should do to others what you would want them to do to you.

Mehmet: I...I've had an epiphany!

Kieron: Great.

Mehmet: Yes! I can be...Sultan of two churches! The Christians will follow me out of love! I will be a peacemaker!

Kieron: This won't get you out of our deal, you know.

Mehmet: Crap.

Haphiel: It's a step in the right direction, my son. It will bring great peace to your lands.

Mehmet: Yes...yes, and the heavy taxes I can press on them will make it worth it.

Haphiel: ...Oh, dear. Did I do that?

Kieron: 'Fraid so.

Haphiel: [CENSORED]. [Kieron stares at him for a while] Er...I mean, I must do penance. I think I'll build a Basilica in Rome or something.

Mehmet: [rubbing hands together] Excellent, excellent...things are falling into place. We have a growing tax base, the country is coming back under my control and already we are ready to send merchants to Alexandria!

Kieron: BIG mistake. You need to save what you have left.

Mehmet: It takes money to make money. I know that much.

Kieron: Sure, sure - but there's too much competition there.

Mehmet: Very well, speaker of lies, what would YOU suggest I do with the treasury?

Kieron: Flattery will get you everywhere!...except Paradise. So, since you're not going there anyway, you'll need to replace your losses after you invade Serbia.

[pause]

Mehmet: You told me NOT to--

Kieron: I lied. It's what I do. I mean, c'mon, are you really suprised? Hands? Anyone?

Haphiel: He reveals himself! Take heed!

Kieron: You must be a load of fun at parties, man.

Mehmet: WHY should I invade Serbia?

Kieron: They'd be a nice buffer state on your western border, and you could let your vassals do most of the work for you. Just make sure to send, whatsisface--

Haphiel: Hamza.

Kieron: Right, Hamza...[stops] How'd you know that?

Haphiel: Er...omniscience? [pause] Look, I'm sorry, it's in my nature to be helpful!

Kieron: Sure. Well...send him in, let him take Kosovo.

Mehmet: Right, right...what? Kosovo? That a pitiful excuse for a province! What about Sarajevo?

Kieron: Don't extend yourself too much, big guy! Let your vassals deal with Sarajevo while you take the south. Serbia's too big to swallow in one bite!

Mehmet: Hmm. Angel, what do you have to say?

Haphiel: You're making a big mistake - but it's not too late. You can make peace with your neighbors, win back the Turks with love, not the sword. Serbia isn't Turkish or Muslim. It's not even rich. Why take it? Why expand your borders when you're weak?

Mehmet: Because I can. I'll make them fear my name.

Kieron: Spoken like a real man! High five!

Haphiel: ...I guess we're finished, then.

[Mehmet leaves]

Kieron: Looks like I win this time.

Haphiel: Double or nothing on Murad?

Kieron: What, you'd really risk a SECOND Backstreet Boys album? All right, harp boy - you've got a bet.

dharper · Aug 15, 2004

Calipah said:
Although Im muslim and find this a tad bit, insulting? however I know you dont mean to offend us. Anyway its funny and I'll remain a "zealous" reader.Keep up the good work

Thank you for the compliment - and for your forebearance. It really isn't meant to be prejudiced against Muslims at all. I don't think I'm treating this seriously enough for anyone to think this is how Islam works (I hope not). Just let me know if I cross the line.

I was thinking of making this a French AAR, but I played France twice last month and the Ottomans are one of my perennial favorites.

dharper · Aug 15, 2004

Meltdown1986 said:
*LOL!* that´s a great start! you´ve just tempted and caught your first reader!

Glad to hear it! Welcome aboard!

dharper · Aug 15, 2004

1421

[The scene: a lone figure on horseback on a hill overseeing the late harvest]

Murad: There is so much destruction...if only things had happened later, we would not be facing such a lean winter.
[suddenly a shadow looms up and the horse rears]

Murad: Stop! [he tugs the reins until the horse is under control]

Kieron: [smiling broadly] Oh, excuse me, my lord. I did not mean to startle you--

Murad: [dismounting] Mister Kieron, I suppose?

Kieron: [startled] What?

Murad: It has been a year since you last 'graced' us with your presence, infernal being - has it not?

Kieron: [still nonplussed] Well...uh...yes. Yes. You seem remarkably well informed, your majesty.

Murad: My father was a sick man, lord demon. He spoke to me many times, trying to convince me not to follow in his footsteps.

Kieron: Yes, you see, your father was--

Murad: My father was betrayed by you, sir demon.

Kieron: Look, if you want to call me names--

Murad: I will not forgive you.

Kieron: Hey! Hell's speciality is vengeance! We understand!

Murad: Understand THIS!

[Murad whips out a Koran and presses it into Kieron's flesh]

Kieron: AAAAUGHHH!!

Murad: [letting go] I have thought long and hard about events past. I believe we are coming to a crossroads - one in which the descendants of Osman are to play a role. Am I right?

Kieron: [weakly] Hey, if you wanted omniscience, BOY did you pick the wrong side.

Murad: I haven't 'picked' you, lord of lies.

Kieron: Hey! I'm the first to admit I can be deceptive at times - which is kind of funny when you think about it, hey? - but you'd be wasting the opportunity of a lifetime if you just walked away from this!

Murad: That's funny you should mention a lifetime. How long will my punishment be should I follow your path?

Kieron: ...You're good. Too good. You've been prepped, haven't you? Haphiel, you cheater!

[a being of light shimmers into existence]

Haphiel: It's only fair. You got to Mehmet before I could.

Kieron: But...but...you said ten o'clock!

Haphiel: Indeed.

Kieron: You lied! You can't do that!

Haphiel: Speak of the devil...

Kieron: I hate that expression.

Haphiel: But regardless, I did not lie. I came here at ten o'clock. Eastern Standard Time.

Kieron: Tricked by an angel? This is one of the signs of the Apocalypse, isn't it?

Murad: [looking shocked] You can't be serious! So THIS is what's going on! The final battle between good and evil?!?

Kieron: Not quite. Sorry to disappoint you, kid, but that one's going to be played out on New Megiddo with nanobots.

Murad: What?

Haphiel: You need not fear Armageddon, Murad. Only the wiles of the devil.

Kieron: Hmph. Look, Murad, I don't know how to tell you this, but you've been suckered. The angels don't have your best interests at heart! I mean, just recently they've been fooling around with French peasant girls, and later on they'll be working with the Czechs!

Murad: Is that true?

Haphiel: The Lord works in mysterious ways. The Christians and the Jews are all Children of the Book - you share their holy texts, and Muhammed himself approached the Jews of Mecca and offered to share his wisdom with them.

Kieron: They turned him down flat, as I recall.

Haphiel: Ahem! Regardless, we are all fighting a greater evil than that of human fraility - the dark power himself.

Kieron: George Bush?

Haphiel: Possibly. We don't know yet.

Kieron: Look, Murad - how can you trust a guy who says he's on your side AND your enemy's?

Murad: Hmm. There is some truth to what you say...and yet...what kind of man would knowingly follow the devil?

Kieron: Well, there was your DAD, and then there was your GRANDDAD - and hey! How about Osman?

Haphiel: The devil is the grandfather of lies, Murad. Not every great man gained power through treachery.

Kieron: Osman took his army and declared independence! You don't call that treachery?

Haphiel: The Sultan gave him those lands, Kieron! They were falling to the Mongols - he was being a patriot, protecting the people he loved most!

Kieron: Why are you sticking up for him? We've got him, don't we?

Haphiel: I thought we had him.

Kieron: Um. Hell has been known to make mistakes.

Haphiel: Oh, dear. I'd better check the records.

Murad: Tell me, angel - do you also support the Byzantines?

Haphiel: ...I support you, Murad.

Kieron: He can't lie, you know. But he doesn't always tell the whole truth, either.

Haphiel: Can't you let your anger go?

Murad: I don't know. Look around you! The devastation here was caused by my brother, Mustafa. When my father died - quite suddenly, might I add [glares at Kieron] - I was left with a country in chaos, at war with the Serbians, facing a heresy among the faithful - and then the Byzantines let my brother loose. Allah only knows why, but the Ghazi supported him, and he marched on Anatolia and Macedonia before I could react.

Haphiel: But you overcame him.

Murad: Not easily. I gained Kosovo and turned my forces around to smash his forces in Europe, then raised an army of recruits and sent them into Asia Minor. It was too soon, too soon - they were scattered by the rebel's army. I had to lead the forces myself to relieve the siege of the capital, but the fields are bare and burnt, and it will take months to recover. Worse yet, the pretender is still alive, probably hiding in Teke or Germiyan.

Kieran: [looking at Haphiel] Funny, isn't it, that the Ghazi supported him even though they were at war with the Byzantines?

Haphiel: I had nothing to do with that! Nothing! [desperately] The Christians - they didn't revolt while all this happened! Because your father treated them well!

Kieron: It really must be true that religion is the opiate of the masses...uh, no offense meant.

Haphiel: None taken...I guess...

Murad: No...you're right, they acted with restraint. And well for them that they did! I am fair, angel. I will not punish them, nor treat them badly. But I do not trust them. I cannot trust you, either.

Kieron: Well, then--

Murad: [waving the Koran] Or you. I must trust my own conscience.

Kieron and Haphiel: We're doomed.

Murad: We shall see...won't we?

tombom · Aug 15, 2004

You always have to go to the Eu2 section to find the best AARs. Like this one. If you're lucky it may take a space alongside Arilou's Ak Koynlu aar in the funniest aars.

Skarion · Aug 15, 2004

Haphiel: Ahem! Regardless, we are all fighting a greater evil than that of human fraility - the dark power himself.

Kieron: George Bush?

Haphiel: Possibly. We don't know yet.

ROFL, rolled on the floor laughing under 1 minute when I read that!

Great Work!

unmerged(21523) · Aug 16, 2004

Looking good so far, I wonder which side Murad will end up on?

dharper · Aug 22, 2004

1424

Murad sat overlooking a map of Asia Minor. It was a fine map, copied from the most reliable Imperial maps some generations earlier, updated with a few towns and hamlets here and there. In fact, it was rather an excellent map, all things considered. But looking at it only made Murad angry. He sat there for a while, the candle growing low.

Haphiel: [coalescing from the candle flame] Good evening, Murad Bin Mehmet. I...wasn't sure you'd let me visit this year.

Murad: [without looking up] Ah, is it ten o'clock already? How time flies.

Haphiel: You know, it's not every mortal who receives personal attention from the Authority. Do you suppose you could give it some of the respect it deserves?

Murad: [still not looking up] A thousand pardons. Oh. Oh. I am overcome with awe. Oh. Oh. I will never wash these eyes again. Rapture.

Haphiel: [sigh] Saladin wasn't this cynical. What am I doing wrong?

Murad: Saladin? He was pivotal as well? Hmm. You know, angel, I've spent much of the last while thinking about what you said to me. In fact, I had the best Islamic scholars researching you two. Alexandria, mostly, but I actually had to send word to Samarkand. Samarkand! Can you believe it? [shaking his head] The Timurids worry me. They are strong enough to push west again, should they have cause. And there are no Seljuks to stem the tide this time.

Haphiel: Ah...I see what you're saying now. I've believe it's called 'fishing'.

Murad: [looking up with a smile] Indeed. The last two years I've spent trying to figure out why I should be chosen. Should one be called for, why not the Sultan of Egypt? Or the Emir of Granada?

Haphiel: You must know I can't answer that.

Murad: Must I? Well...and where's your friend Kieron?

Haphiel: Hiding in the hallway, working up his nerve to come in, I believe.

Murad: [yanks the door open] Hello there!

Kieron: [sheepish] I was just about to come in...

Murad: You big baby! Honestly - surprise a demon with a tub of holy water just once and he doesn't trust you anymore!

Kieron: Would you trust me if--

Murad: No.

Kieron: I wasn't finished!

Murad: Do you have to? No, no, no.

Kieron: Well! I can see where this is going. I can kiss my Christmas bonus goodbye.

Haphiel: You get a CHRISTMAS bonus?

Kieron: Sure. Don't you?

Haphiel: Just salary.

Kieron: Sucks.

Haphiel: It's a nice salary. But...CHRISTMAS?

Kieron: Hey, everyone's doing it now! You don't have to be Christian!

Haphiel: I rather think--

Murad: Excuse me. Is this going to take a while? I could go conquer Greece while I wait.

Kieron: No, no. We can have theological arguments later. It's time to wheel and deal! So, what's the story, Murad baby? Got a bone to pick with the Byzantines? Want me to take care of the Ghazi for you?

Murad: No, no...everything is quite fine, actually.

Haphiel: It...it is?

Murad: Oh, yes! The economy is in great shape now, thanks to the new tax collectors. With them and the surge in confidence brought about by the peace, my exchequer says our revenues have gone up twenty percent! He was asking me for a raise at the time, but still...

Kieron: Employees, the same the world over. Never satisfied! Hey, whaddaya gonna do?

Murad: I had him beheaded.

Kieron: Oh. Um, are you sure you're not one of ours?

Haphiel: [distracted] Christmas...?

Murad: In better news, my brother Mustafa is dead - murdered! Probably by his own men. The Bey of Germiyan sent me his head.

Kieron: Now you have a matching pair! Hey, why not start a pyramid?

Haphiel: Don't be disgusting!

Kieron: Hey, it worked with Ghengis.

Haphiel: So...nothing bad happened? No, um, crises requiring moral guidance? I'm good at moral guidance. I got an A- in ethical studies! [Kieron raises an eyebrow] It's still a pass! They said my essay topic could have been better chosen.

Kieron: Okay, I'll bite...literally, if you get too close.

Haphiel: "Redeeming Qualities of the Decimal System." They said it lacked...something.

Kieron: Tell me. WHY are you the winning side again? Nevermind. So...nothing bad happened?

Murad: No.

Kieron: Nothing at all?

Murad: No, no, nothing...well...there is one thing.

Kieron and Haphiel: What?

Murad: The army is a bit smaller than I'd like.

Kieron: That doesn't sound too bad. How many men do you have?

Murad: Seventeen thousand. But my father kept twenty-five under arms, and he had a smaller state.

Haphiel: Your father was dealing with a chaotic mess! Riots, treachery, bandits--

Murad: Oh...er...

Kieron: What?...What!?

Murad: Well, while my father was away in Serbia with the army, a heretical movement begun back home.

Kieron: Heh, heh, heh. I mean, go on.

Murad: My father, may Allah save his soul, chose to ignore the heresy while he was campaigning - a decision made more out of economy than by heresy, I might add.

Kieron: Right, right. Could you NOT say that n--

Murad: I can sympathize with his thoughts. Why, I had not taken the throne more than a year when the Asazi, a great house of Anatolia, asked for aid. What else could I do but turn them down?

Haphiel: Forgive me, but...help them?

Murad: Oh, well, as to that - I would, had I the wherewithal.

Haphiel: I thought the economy was doing great?

Murad: It is...now that I'm economizing. No mint means no inflation, small armies means small purses. Did you know my father tried to modernize the army? At the expense of the fleet. I've got no transports to speak of any more and barely enough sailors to sail what I do have. Tax evasion is up...banditry is rampant...local lords speak of rebellion. My only comfort is knowing that none dare strike now that they have seen the fate of Mustafa.

Haphiel: Simba's father?

Kieron: His brother, you moron.

Haphiel: Simba had a brother?

Kieron: NO! Murad's brother!

Haphiel: Hmm...there are so many of them...well, were, anyway.

Kieron: The one we gave an army to! Duh!

Murad: What?

Kieron: It was one of my better ideas! I mean, here I was, just sitting around upper Volta, when I said...oh [CENSORED].

[Kieron disappears in a cloud of inky smoke]

Murad: That's an odd thing to say. Don't you agree?

Haphiel: You know, taunting with innocence is really a lost art.

Murad: What?

Haphiel: Oh, nothing. I can see you've got a lot to think about, so - until next year!

[Haphiel flickers out of existence along with the last of the candle]

Murad: Abraham's ghost! Just when things were beginning to make sense!

CatKnight · Aug 22, 2004

My favorite lines so far:

dharper said:
Kieron: Hey, why the glum face? You've done well. Kastamonu is yours now. Nice palace, by the way. I particularly like the bloodstains. Very gothic. Or was that last century? I can never remember. Help me out here - have they discovered Cuba yet?
[a blinding flash of light later]

Kieron: AAUGH! My eyes!

Haphiel: My child, I have arrived to maintain balance in the world.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Semi-Lobster · Aug 22, 2004

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Greeat AAR! Funniest one I've read in a while!

Skarion · Aug 24, 2004

The last update was okey, but it lacked that "extra" the others had.

But its a still a great AAR!

Jordal · Nov 13, 2004

An excellent and funny read so far.

dharper · Nov 13, 2004

Quick Update

I will be posting more soon - sorry for the delay, but I accidentally lost my saved games! I happily installed the new AGCEEP patch without thinking of what it would do to my old saved games and have had to start all over, trying to get exactly the same results.

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Rum and Djinn - with a twist

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Mad Scientist

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Zardishar

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tombom

CAPTAIN WILDCHILD

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Colonel

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Second Lieutenant

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Dei Gratia author