Bohemia - road to domination

Chapter 1 - Haran Haradimovic, part 1

Haran Haradimovic was - after Zizka - first person in Czech army. And now, when Zizka is lying on the floor with blade in his heart, Haran will be ultimately first person in Czech army. He doesn't like responsibility. He does like privileges and joys that are related to power and responsibility.

He doesn't have cruel heart.

He doesn't have heart at all.

The thing about Haran is that he's free-thinker. He could do anything to simply - how we call it nowadays - fuck the system. If he had lived in today's epoch, he would have been listening to punk-rock bands and having long, curly hair. And he would have been serial-killer too probably, but we can't be sure, as he did live hundreds years ago. But let's go back to Bohemia, 1419 --

Sigismund was accepted as new king and all those Hus-like scums were banished or killed. Sometimes both.

Zizka was killed by royalists' assassin and Haran was to become great generalissimus. But he wasn't happy about that - he was quite angry, in fact.

Few years later great alliance of Saxony, Bohemia, Wurzburg and Magdeburg was created. In 1423 Saxony was vasalized, and four years later - Wurzburg and Magdeburg. Fifteen years after vasalization of Saxony, they were annexed and finally Haran had something to do - assimilate population of Sachsen. Nothing simpler.

Five thousand people dead.

He wasn't cruel. Cruelness required existence of conscience. He was just intelligent and foreseeing.

This type is the worst. I really hate them.

In late forties Mainz was added to great alliance. Two years later vasalised. Haran liked simple situations. Like that one in 1412, when he had been starting his career in army --

Silent night. Silent, cold and really dark night. Revolters barred themselves in small village in Erz. In many dimensions, worlds and time-lines they would have been left alone, as they did nothing bad but refused to pay taxes. Oh, taxes - okay, in those dimensions, worlds and time-lines only men would have been killed. But not in this one - here we have Haran, who knows that everyone must be killed or other villages would start revolting. Everybody means everybody.

Fifty-five men, forty-eight women and seventeen children. He wasn't criminal. He was a monster.

Misterious introduction? Interested what is going to happen next? Me too, in fact. Stay tuned and look out for next chapter of misterious novel.

Chapter 2 - Haran Haradimovic, part 2

Haran was not satisfied. It was already 1440 and since pacification of revolutionaries in 1412 nothing interesting happened. Maybe it was even good, when we look at traumatic experiences that Bohemia had to deal with just ten years ago.

Haran was simply angry.

And it was the time when THIS has happened.

When information about new war came, Haran stationed with his army somewhere in Silesia. Quite nice place actually - nice Silesian women, nice grub, a lot of free time. It turned out, that Bavaria declared war on Czeches - from beginning it was known that the only aim of Bavarian-Habsburg coalition was Wurzburg, vassal and ally of great Czech kingdom. As soon as this message ran around Europe, Brandenburgy - looking out for possibility of attacking Magdeburgy for a long time - declared war too. What's worse, Brandenburgy was supported by Poland, Lithuania and Pomerania.

And so, from boundless boredoms, Haran's situation changed diametrically onto boundless magnitude of work. Ten-thousand Czech army was called up near Prague in no time. It was sure, that as far Meinz and Wurzburg were able to handle enemy by their own, war with Poland (of Silesia) and Brandenburgy (of Sachsen) would be pretty tough.

Situation on Bavarian front stabilized quickly - unimagineable huge armies of Wurzburg and Meinz reflected every attack of Bavarian army so often, that southern neighbors of Bohemia decided to give up war and pay forty ducats as refund. At this time Haran was in Erz --

The tent was silent and calm. Ideal time and ideal place for messenger, in order to enter and tell terrible news. A messenger entered. Haran smiled.
"Yes, Jurgen?" He asked.
"No. I am Hans, Jurgen is the one without grandma." messenger replied.
Haran sighed. He did not like new messengers from Sachsen.
"I'm quite sure, that this one without grandmother is Klaus." He muttered.
"Not at all! Klaus is the one without liver."
"Oh, now I understand. How can I help you?"
"I have message - fortress in Magdeburgy is to fall in few weeks time and only we can help them. King told us to help them quickly. We can't let our vassals suffer!"
And get annexed - Haran thought.

And here it is a courtyard. It rains. Ideal background for long motivational speech. You will not guess - yes, this is Haradimovic speaking to his soldiers.

"Comrades! Our friends, cousins, relatives in Magdeburgy are in danger! Our flesh and blood! Those people suffer unimaginable agony if we will not come with relief! We have to help them, to defend their wives, children, growing fields! We have to pour our blood, to keep their one in their veins! Let's defend them, Germans! Germans, our comrades, who did defend us for many times!" I don't know when, but probably they did, he thought " Let's die for it! Let's prevent their nation from loosing identity! Their and our nation! But remember! This is not bandit expedition but answering to their call for help. I don't want see any rapes, thefts, murders or pillages. And if you really have to rape - please, do it quietly."

This was something, what I call true ovations.

Two weeks of marching through mountains, lowlands and boggy swampy terrains. Two weeks of hunger and thirst. Two weeks without raping. This really affects people.

In Magdeburg, they did find nobody. Someone left taglet for them:

'We paid them twenty coins and they went away. Most of us are in Peugoet's salon, but few soldiers went to Hannover's front. Did you know that they declared war on us?"

Raping in Magdeburg or in Hannover - what's the difference?

---

Crisis was cut up fast, and ties with vassals were strengthened during war. Few months after signing peace treaty both Wurzburg and Magdeburg were annexed. Hessen joined the alliance and was vassalized just after.

Ages of peace and prosperity came. Haran could assimilate new population at will, and annexation of Meinz was only matter of time.

At last, circa 1451, ruler of Meinz handed over his crown to Vladislav, king of Bohemia.

Haran died three months later during assimilation of farmers. He did not know, that near northern border one of the greatest European war was taking place. Frenchmen were sieging Jutland Peninsula and assimilating small minor countries slowly. Will they pass Bohemian border? Who knows?

Jesus Christ, people, you don't have to write so many posts of appreciation and encouragement!

Oh, I will update this evening (CEST). It is going to be the best ever.

@Xizo -- Thanks

***

Chapter 3: Olfus the Glurf-slayer

Many gods exist in our world. It doesn't mean that some polytheistic religions are right, and Aztecs were right hundreds years ago about worshipping gods of sun and moon. No. It does mean, that many separate and completely independent gods exist. All of them live in one uncommonly holy and elevated place - in Parlea. I think it is somewhere in Texas.


Gods are immortal, so they cannot die. When nobody believes in them, they still cannot die.

Olfus the Glurf-slayer is such god. In times of his magnificence he had twenty three devoted believers - they were ape men, who wanted to slaughter neighbouring tribe of Glurf. But it was Glurf tribe who slaughtered competitive people and nobody worshipped Olfus any more.

At the time Olfus played board game with Bhudda and Poseidon. Each of them was controlling one kingdom and deciding about it's economy, diplomatic and warfare movements. Olfus liked this game - he was strong in puzzles. Furthermore, he liked everything what Wabbit, the god of rabbits, didn't like. He lent Wabbit mower once and never had it back.


Olfus played as Bohemia, because he found it intriguing and interesting. At this moment, Bohemia controlled large piece in a middle of a map. White blob expanded slowly on south, and disturbing blue, French, Poseidon's stain spilt on north.

"I have to deal with him before it could be too late. Frenchmen are damn strong, and now, when they control two centres of trade it can be really tough" He thought.

"I'm attacking France. The reason of this is French annexation of this brown crappy country on west. I'm sending twenty-five thousand soldiers from Prague to Meclemburgy. I'm mobilizing next twenty thousand and I'm going to besiege Holstein." He said.

Poseidon smiled disrespectfully and sent his navy filled with army towards Jutland Peninsula.

When the navy reached the penisula, Meclemburgy was about to fall in three months time and Holstein couldn't resist for longer than six months. Seventeen thousand Czech soldiers were to fight forty thousand French army, which was leaving ships already.

"I will dice three dices, okay?" Olfus asked, a bit nervous about this skirmish.
"Okay" Posejdon replied.

Olfus diced.

Six, six and six. Poseidon turned pale.

Only two thousand Bohemians died and only two thousand Frenchmen survived.

"Well, well..." Posejdon said "Whatever. Take Meclemburgy. I didn't like it anyway."


***

Then Yin and Yang joined the game. As a result of funny mistake of chronicler, they were said to be mirrors of soul, but in fact nothing more than pizza-boys. Yin chose Poland, and Yang Burgundy.

When Olfus diploannexed Hessen, he received two very tempting offers of alliances - from Burgundy and Poland. He refused to join French alliance, as he did not want to be allied with England and fight with Scotsmen all the time. Instead, he joined Poland, Lithuania and Pomerania. He did not want this. He couldn't imagine Poles marching through half of Europe with relief.

In 1469, in November, Lithuania was attacked by Prussias and Teutonic Order. Two months later, in January 1470, Burgundy, Munster, England and Aragony declared war on Bohemia. Olfus was confused and signed white peace with Prussias quickly.

Munster attacked Anhalt, and twenty-five thousand Czech army reflected it. Seventeen thousand that survived couldn't match with tremendous power of sixty thousand Burgundian soldiers that marched towards them. Olfus moved back to Sachsen and executed tactical regroupment of divisions, he mobilized next ten thousand and went back to Anhalt with relief.

He would have lost.

He would have lost, if forty thousand Polish hussars hadn't galloped through half of Europe with relief.



Peace was signed eleven months later and coalition of Munster was made to pay fifty ducats as refund of damages.

It was instant war, but Olfus became fond of Yin for a really long time.


And that's how Bohemia looks now. Purple provinces are those, which I want to obtain before 1580.

What will be next direction of Bohemians expand? What about Big White Blob? Something interested with - so called - allies will happen, or at least with one of them.

Oh, by the way, I want to see here at least five posts with encouragement, apprecation and admiration before next update

They annexed Burgundy and it will be damn hard to smashed them with Poland...

@Xizi, As you wished, I killed BWB.
@Hungarian Lord, You won't die
@Tombom, Interesting? Huh...

Chapter 4 - Maria Vladickowa

Maria Vladickowa was a teacher of history at Great University Of Bohemian Europe in Prague fifteen years ago. This chapter in her life affected so greatly on her psyche that she has changed and never been like she used to.


That time was really tough - antiroyalists, antiglobalists, antireactionsts. Everybody was fighting at the streets of Prague and shouting more and more brave and subversive slogans. Main aim of demonstrations was showing indignation about Emperor's decision to split up country into seperate provinces and set up independent goverments in each of them. Decentralization and plutocracy spreaded in country, and she could not make anything, but wait and teach history on university.

Yes, 1985 was really tough year.


She remembered one lesson very precisely - it was lecture for students of third year of Royalism and Economy. As 'Social Education' subject, she had to tell them about Bohemian history between 1480 and 1495. She hadn't realised that those fifteen years could have been really challenging for young professor.

It was stuffy and sultry day. Thirty students were sitting in tiny lecture-hall. She looked through their faces.

"So, they are hungry of knowledge and skills. Now it is really hard to learn at this university! Elite and intellectual uplands from whole world. It isn't that crappy year 1958, when every Pole could have been called a student" She turned pale when called to mind former times.

"Good morning students!" She began friendly " I am Maria Vladickowa and I am here as substitution for your usual lecturer, mister Jurek Flacek. Mister Flacek is down with chronic inflammation of back side of ovum and as a result of depression, he is unable to express any words but monosyllabes. Imagine how it affects quality of his teaching. Let's go straight into matter - times between 1480 and 1495 were very complicated for our Empire. In the beginning of the eighties, we vassalized Pomerania and set our main aim to vassalize Poland. Yes, mister Abu-Mahajajami?"

"Why?"

"What why?"

"Why we wanted to vassalize Pomerania and Poland?"

Maria choked.

"Why? Why!? For our Empire and for improvement of living conditions of those countries' population... OBVIOUSLY!"

"And our king wasn't motivated by desire of territorial expand?"

Maria hesitated. "Everyone knows it", she thought. "But I have to teach them love and passion, not distrust and hatred. What should I do...? What should I do...? Oh, yes..."

"What you're saying! Your words are too heretical and subversive! I am obligated to inform Department of Proper Steps!"

It succeeded. Abu-Mahajajami hunched and muttered out something inexplicable.


"As I thought. After Bohemian vassalization of Pomerania, Austria inherited Burgundy and become serious threaten towards Czech independance. What's more, Hanover was annexed by Oldenburg and directions of Bohemia's expand decreased seriously. In 1486, after unsuccessful Austrian provocation, we declared war on them. The only aim was conquest of Ansbach - great province with many valuable features. To achieve this, two armies twenty-thousand each, moved to Alzagne and Ansbach. Fifteen-thousand army of Poland, aided by five-thousand Czech division, started besieging fields between Viena and the border. After two years of fighting, when three provinces fell, our emissaries were sent with peace proposition - they demanded Ansbach. In the same time diplomatists from Austria arrived and proposed all three provinces as a contribution! Surprising, isn't it? Reason of they performance was revealed quickly... Am i disturbing you, mister Arlach? No? Good. As I said, reason revealed quickly - Austrian coalition was attacked by whole Italian Peninsula and Balkans. By 1488, Bohemia proved to be the most powerful country in Europe. Yes, mister Mahajajami?"

"As we were so strong, how can you explain improving relationship with France? Those gifts, marriages? And giving them Pony of Freedom?"

"The true aim was to encircle Austrian Empire with allies."

"Wasn't it fear of France?"

Hall murmurred. Maria eyed Mahajajami. He was Latin American - so everything's clear.

"What's your purpose, Mahajajami!? You just want these students to hate their motherland, don't you!? You're cum shit!" she shouted.

"Scum." replied Mahajajami.

"What?"

"Scum, not cum."

She took the gun out of drawer. Students hid under tables. Her mad eyes descried tip of Mahajajami's head. Whispering 'May Eternal Empire be eternal' she fired.



And now I want to see another five posts of admiration before next update

@Hungarian Lord - Try to be more creative with this admiration
@Machiavellian - You think Maria is the crazy one? Noooo, why?
@Xizo - Next portion of pictures for ya', lad
@Tombom - Interesting, surreal... maybe something more specific?
@Stroph1 - I am glad too

Chapter V - Kuling, the adventurer

Kuling was very well-known, recogniseable and respected knight in Bohemian kingdom of seventeenth century. A main reason of this recognizability was that knights was endangered specie in those times. As they were fully replaced by nobles, adventure-seekers with big swords could do nothing in boring reality of the time. It was sad, as ethical and moral rules were mainly based on ancient legends about knights and rowdies.

Kuling was not ordinary knight - he had multiple-personality-disorded thing. He was in good situation, because one of his personalities was aware of that illnes - the personality of the knight. He was in bad situation, because he couldn't remember what his second personality had been doing for a living - he could be a thief, a poet or a milkman.


Kuling was exploring old fortress full of traps, labyrinths, tunnels, riddles and monsters. He was doing it for Bohemian children, so that they could tell the stories in cold, windy evenings, just before going to bed. The reward was typical - sleeping princess, who given a kiss, would marry him and give him a lot of healthy children. But this fortress was different, somehow - there were great number of big, old tomes lying in most important parts of whole building. The tomes were about Bohemian's history in early sixteen century.

As he really liked history, he found those books as very nice and useful bonus in this story with princess. He hoped that she would be at least pretty so that he could settle down and create family.


He already learnt that in the beginning of century, in 1505, great anti-austrian coalition came into being, with Bohemia itself as a leader. When France, England and Spain ignored whole idea, Poland, Lithuania and Hungary - Czech allies - supported it, as it could have been predicted. What's more and what was quite unforeseenable, both Poland and Hungary agreed to become Bohemian's vassals. As soon as so powerful union was formed, Austria was attacked.

And what was next, Kuling was about to inquire.

He went through next corridor and reached burnt tome lying on a writing-desk.

"War was tough and lasted long. Nobody knows why only fifty per cents of whole army maintanance was being paid. It is quite possible that ruler forgot about it and brave warriors had to fight in scattering armours and with broken swords. After three tough years of fighting in Vienna, Bavaria and Alps, peace treaty was signed. It was decided, that Austria will secede Salzburg and Tirol. What's interesting, Czechs had no idea, that they had been owning Crimea as the result of Pomerania's inheritance for last thirty years. They learnt it, when Genoa captured the province and demanded it in separate peace offer. As ruler had no idea what to do with Crimea itself, he agreed."

Kuling grinned. He went further. Next books told about Hungarian wars with Venetians, fast battles in venice, capturing Mantua and releasing it as a vassal. He was really impressed with these stories. But true shock hadn't arrived yet - he was slowly reaching princess' apartment.

And when he reached the sleeping-chamber, he did found nobody and nothing but daily, covered with dust and cobweb. He turned few pages and read through the end of story --

"Hungary, when learnt about their own infirmity, weakness and threat from turkish side, asked Wladyslaw to attach their lands to his kingdom. After assurances that this is not because of fear of Czech power, he agreed and annexed Hungary for it's own sake."

Kuling sighed with admiration. He turned to next page and got paralised.

He reminded who his second identity was.

A princess.

And that he had been exploring that castle for fifty years.



I made few events for this chapter -
Poland had 85% chance to be vassalized and 95% to join the union.
Hungary had 5% chance to be vassalized and 90% to join the union.
France, Spain and England had 5% chance to join the union.

Now I want ten posts of admiration