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unmerged(10971)

Alien Space Bat
Sep 9, 2002
3.493
11
EPHES-DAMMIM, ISRAEL
C. 1000 B.C.


"This is the fortieth day I have come out! Will nobody meet my challenge? Do I face an army of men without stomachs? Yet another day do I defy the ranks of Israel!"

For the fortieth day this huge man had come out and made this same challenge. For the fortieth time, nobody dared fight him in single combat. He rose so far above him, carried a brutal spear, was protected by heavy armor. Yet still, one in the Israelite camp wanted to fight. David came up to Saul, King of Israel.

"Let your majesty not lose courage. I am at your service to go and fight the Philistine."

Saul shook his head. "You are only a youth! Goliath has been a warrior longer than you have been alive!"

"I used to tend my father's sheep. Whenever a lion or bear attacked, I would seize it by the jaw, strike it, and kill it. I will do the same to this Philistine, who has insulted the armies of God."

Saul sat for several seconds before finally relenting. "Go, and the Lord be with you."

- - - - - - - - - -

David came out wearing only his normal clothes and bearing only a sling. The immense Goliath laughed, a horrible noise that terrified all the Israelites. "Is that all you think of me? Sending a child out? And am I a dog that you come against me with a staff? Come here, so I can turn you into carrion!"

David ignored this raving, and merely moved into a better spot. Goliath rushed in, ready to impale this boy on his spear. David took a stone out of his bag, set it in his sling, and threw it--right between the eyes. Goliath fell, and David cut off the giant's head. The army of Israel, encouraged by this, advanced across the field--and the Philistines ran for their lives.

- - - - - - - - - -

DONEGAL, IRELAND
15 JANUARY 1618


David O'Donnell was, without any doubt, the poorest man in Ireland. And that was saying something. All he had left was a small farm outside Donegal and a chronically ill father he had to find some way to support. Sometimes he was forced into acts which under normal circumstances he would never have condoned. And in those acts he associated himself with the common thugs and rascals of Donegal.

And among those common thugs and rascals was Michael O'Rourke.

To those unfamiliar with Donegal's criminals, O'Rourke was a prosperous landowner. Judicious use of bribes had allowed him to keep his land instead of losing it to English landowners.

To those who knew the alleyways and dark places of the town, O'Rourke was the practical ruler of the town. He would hire strong and skilled men--like David--to do his dirty work. The jobs paid well, and David made his way slowly out of financial trouble. But now, he had to do the work--he was a part of the O'Rourke "army," for good or bad. And today he was about to embark upon the biggest job he had ever been given.

They met, one hundred of O'Rourke's most veteran "workers." They were to go to Dublin and bring about the impossible, that which had not been for six centuries:

The total freedom of Ireland.

- - - - - - - - - -

THE GAME

1617 scenario, starting as England, inciting Ireland to revolt, then switching. I've done some minor editing that you will see as I go along. It's going to be everything I can do to make sure David survives the second time around...
 
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ON THE ROAD TO DUBLIN
24 JANUARY


David leads his hundred men towards the city. They are ingeniously disguised as emigrants to America

David: Everybody got their passports? Good. Ha, they won't suspect a thing!
Another Irishman: (in a rather non-Irish accent) Every step we take, is another step towards freedom and self-determination!
David: I like that! What's your name?
Mikahil: Mikhail Ivanovich.
David: Sounds good. Mind if I call you "Mick"?
Mick: Not at all. (pause) I can't wait until we get to Dublin.
David: Why?
Mick: To kill the capitalist pigs who are exploiting the working class!
David: Err... what are you talking about?
Mick: I'm talking about the Revolution! The day when the workers take the government unto themselves and make a Communist paradise! The--
David: I think you have the wrong revolution.
Mick: This is 1917, right?
David: Nope. 1618. Easy mistake, I know.
Mick: Oh. (throws away fur cap, red flag, and copy of the Communist Manifesto.) In that case, I'm Michael MacEoghain--you can still call me Mick--and I can't wait to get to Dublin so I can throw the English back to their own island!
David: That's better.

The group comes across an English checkpoint

Englishman: Welcome to Meath! Are you here on business?
David: No.
Englishman: Ah, pleasure then. You planning on staying long?
David: No.
Englishman: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. We've done everything we can to make the place nice for you. Don't you appreciate the lack of voice in government?
David: No.
Englishman: The economic hardships?
David: No.
Englishman: Repressive laws and brutality?
David: No.
Englishman: You don't even like the religious intolerance?
David: No.
Englishman: Are you from Brugge, perhaps?
David: No.
Englishman: Just asking. So, do you have anything to declare?
Mick: Yes, death to the capitalis--oh, that's right. Never mind.
David: Ignore him, he woke up on the wrong side of the Industrial Revolution today. My answer is "no."
Englishman: Somehow I expected that. (begins to stamp David's passport) Hey, wait a second... the mass exodus from Ireland to America isn't supposed to occur until the 19th century!
David: Curses, we've been found out! Mick, deal with him.
Mick: Da, comrade!
David: Oh, drop it!
 
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Mmm... very, very interesting indeed :)

Another AAR starred by a David... great! :) And maybe, it's the same David...
 
I'll be reading with interest. Do you have any long term goals in mind?
 
[jwolf: Unless the other guy leads a revolution ;)
King: Surreal? Guess I'm doing something right.
Cat: Same here. :)
Garuda: Not get annexed. Past that... no.]

DUBLIN
NEXT DAY


The group is around the town square, ready to take the first step of their plan.

David: Right, we need someone to make a great speech. Someone who can really get a crowd moving, with a good voice... Say, Christopher, how about you?
Christopher: No problem.
Mick: Err... didn't he have a--
David: Shh! He's starting!
Christopher: People of Dublin! Fellow Irithmen! I am Chrithtopher, a patriot! Many of the men in thith thquare are patriotth!

The crowd starts laughing wildly

The time for action ith now! We mutht move againtht the Englith!

The people start pelting him with fruit, and he runs off

Mick: ...lisp. (sigh) If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself.

Mick moves to the same place

Mick: Common people of Ireland! Workers all! The English imperialists have kept you down all your lives! Their evil capitalistic agenda lines their pockets while you slave away for them! Their fact... I mean, plantations, are little better than sweatshops! Workers of Ireland, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!
David: [quietly] Good so far... they're coming back! Keep it up, Mick!
Mick: Do you want to die a slave? Do you want to die without wealth, without power, without opportunity? Do you want Ireland to waste away, crushed by those fat cats back in London? No, you do not! I see it in your eyes. I see it in your posture. This revolution is inevitable! I say again: WORKERS OF IRELAND, UNITE!
Crowd: Hurrah! Free Ireland! Unite, unite, unite!
Mick: [through the cheers] Yes, comrades! The time of our deliverance has come! Tell everyone in the city, that Ireland shall be free! David O'Donnell, who stands before you here, shall lead you in a glorious victory. Gather together, comrades, and let us now make Ireland anew!
Crowd: I-re-land! I-re-land! I-re-land!
Mick: [stepping down] Take them, David, they're all yours.
David: Right, now we organize them. Mick, I don't know what I'd do without you!

Later that evening, outside the city. David and Christopher around a campfire, as Mick walks to them.

Mick: Comrade David--
David: I wish you'd stop calling me that.
Mick: Sorry. Here are the final reports on our strength. I'd estimate around seven thousand, with more coming in from the countryside.
David: Not enough. Can't we get more?
Mick: Not without conscription. Tempting... but that's a quick road to low morale.
David: Ah, well. At least we'll give the English a broken nose. Eventually we'll come out ahead, as long as we never give up on our cause.
Mick: I like the way you think! Not one step backwards!
Christopher: That'th right! We thall never retreat, never thurrender!
David: Err... we'll have to retreat sometime.
Mick: [disappointed] Oh. Never mind. But I've been waiting so long to say that... Now, what's our plan for this time?
David: Hold Dublin as long as possible. If we're lucky, we can get the rest of Ireland risen up in time to fight the English in a real battle. If we're not, then at least we can get away and make this a symbol of resistance.
Mick: Like the 1905 revolution!
David: Right... in any case, it's a long road to Tipperary.
Christopher: It'th not that long. We're on the right thide of Ireland...
David: That'th an exthpreth--great, now you've got me talking in a lisp!* As I was saying, that's an expression, you half-intelligible...
Mick: Enough! This is a war conference, the last thing we need is a fight!**
__________
*One of the cruelest things in the English language is the fact that the word "lisp" has an "s" in it... ;)
**Apologies to Stanley Kubrick.
 
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!

[Zeno: Thank you (and "funnier" is correct)*
*Nice double meaning. :D]

Dawn. A small force of Englishmen comes in to break up the Irishmen.

David: Great. An army. We're in deep @#$%.

I said a small force.

David: Oh. That's different.

The English are led by that dastardly and devious fox of a man, Sir William Edward Abelston-Smythe. Smasher of Spaniards, Filleter of Frenchmen, Pounder of Prussians, Destroyer of Dutch--

Christopher: We underthtand! Get on with it!

Sorry. Now, as I was saying, Sir William set up on a hill north of town. He dared the Irishmen to attack...

Abelston-Smythe: Get out here already! It's almost dinnertime!

...but to no avail.

David: Easy, Mick... we'd get cut to pieces.
Mick: IMPERIALIST ENGLISH PIG!
David: (Grumbling)...

Finally, Abelston-Smythe loses his nerve and attacks!

A-S: For the greater glory of ME!

The brave Irishmen prepare to recieve the English charge.

David: (Sigh)... Alright, Mick, time to go!
Mick: Woo-hoo! Forward, comrades! We will overrun them!
Christopher: Yeth! Charge and thmath them!
David: Right... Cannon!
Mick: We have cannon?
David: @#$%! I knew I forgot something!
Mick: Did you bring any weapons at all?
David: (meekly) No...
Mick: Change of tactics... RUN!

And Sir William Edward Abelston-Smythe wins yet again...

A-S: Hurrah! That's an earldom for sure! (to his cavalry) Go and find the leaders. I will pay fifty pounds for each!
 
[Farquharson: Can't win 'em all.
HoChiMinh: Why am I not surprised that you like Mick? ;)
Zeno: My favorite as well.

Any stylistic similarities between this AAR and Bruce and Barry get Bushwacked or The German RISK AAR (It seems like there are some to me, though I do not pretend to claim that level of comedic ability!) are purely unintentional. But nice, since those are two of my favorite AARs. :) ]

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

Our brave yet not-quite-right-in-the-head protagonists are fleeing for their lives.

David: I still say we're going the wrong way!
Christopher: Nonthenth! I am abtholutely thertain that thith ith the right way!
Mick: Comrades, please! We're having enough problems without this bickering.
David: Then what do you say?
Mick: Well... Christopher did have this plotted out. "Go west to Edenderry. Turn north, go to Monaghan. Then, go to Donegal, directly to Donegal. Do not pass Sligo, do not collect £200."
David: And where are we now?
Mick: Let's see... Oh my God...
David: What?
Mick: It's Kilkenny!
David: [to Christopher] You b*****d![*]
Christopher: I'm thorry.
David: Sorry, eh? Okay, let's take stock. We're lost, have no food or water, nobody to help us, and we're stuck with Lenin Junior here.
Mick: I represent that remark!

They sit down in a circle.

David: It doesn't look good. We should have been to friendly territory by now.
Christopher: Now what do we do?
Mick: [Looking upward] I would recommend running. Capit--I mean, Englishmen, six o'clock!
David: [looking at his watch] Oh, we've got a couple hours, then.
Christopher: He meanth behind you.
David: Ah. Mounted or foot?
Mick: Mounted.
David: Then how, pray tell, do we run?
Christopher: Hey, you're the one who left the hortheth in Donegal!
David: And you're the one who got us lost!
Mick: Please, comrades, stop! Killing each other will only benefit the English. There are three of us and fifteen of them. We can't run, and we can't hide. What do we do?
Christopher: Curl into a ball and cry "Mommy!"?
David: We fight!
Mick: Exactly! Would have been easier with weapons, though... hint, hint...
David: Oh, quiet!

The fifteen well-armed Englishmen ride near. Leading them is Sir William Edward Abelston-Smythe, Smasher of Spaniards...

A-S: You've already introduced me! [to the Irishmen] Would you be so kind as to surrender, please?
David: I am afraid, good sir, that we must decline.
A-S: I understand. But, I am afraid, I must inform you that I will be forced to kill you, and that are the son of a female dog. Nothing personal, of course.
David: Of course. And I reciprocate.

The Englishmen draw weapons.

David: Good luck.
A-S: And the same to you.









SCENE MISSING[**]









David: [half-monotone] Wow, that was a close one. I don't know how we got out of it.
Mick: Yes, that was an interesting turn of events. Who could have thought that three could defeat fifteen?

Meanwhile Abelston-Smythe broods...

A-S: I will have my revenge on you, Irishmen!
__________
*I tried to resist it... believe me, I tried...
**Nothing like a deus ex machina to spice up one's day...
 
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Referencing monopoly and south park in the same paragraph, must be genious. That guy with the lisp is just hilarious reading, I don't know why but it is. It also reminds me of a quote that I read somewere, "putting the s in lisp was the cruelest thing English has done to date."
 
27 FEBRUARY
DONEGAL


Michael O'Rourke, mastermind of the rebellion, is sitting comfortably as the three Irish stooges arrive

David: Alright, Mick...
Mick: Yes, comrade?
David: Not you, the other Mick.
Mick: Oh.
O'Rourke: So, how'd the rebellion go.
David: See for yourself, it's all over the papers.

David slaps down a newspaper on O'Rourke's desk. He picks it up and starts reading the huge headline on the top of the front page.

O'Rourke: "King Charles Stalked by Alien Transvestite." Wait, this is the National Enquirer!
David: (blushing) Oh, sorry. Here's the London Times.
O'Rourke: "Victory in Dublin! Our brave countrymen fight bravely and secure the city..." Sounds good to me.
Mick: Ahem... LONDON Times.
O'Rourke: Oh. So, who's this Sir William Edward Abelston-Smythe, Smasher of Spaniards, Filleter--
David: We've heard his titles before! And he's just the guy who beat us from one side of Meath to the other.
Christopher: Thankth to your wonderful dethithion not to bring any hortheth, cannonth, or gunth!
David: Put a sock in it!
O'Rourke: Sounds like he already has one in there.
Christopher: Do not!
O'Rourke: Do to!
Christopher: Do not!

...And so on, for several minutes...

Christopher: Do not times fifty!
O'Rourke: Do to times infinity!
Christopher: Do not times--ARGH!
O'Rourke: Hahaha! I win! I win!
Mick: And you wonder why we lost...
David: Okay, moving on. Where do we strike next?
O'Rourke: I don't know... what do you think, Mick?
Mick: The very last place they'll expect. Dublin!
David: Err... Mick, we just went there... wouldn't it make sense to attack somewhere else?
Mick: It would make sense... exactly! That's just what they'd expect us to do!
David: Okay, point conceded. So, this time we bring weapons. And Mick, call your contacts at the Comintern. We'll need all the revolutionaries we can get.
Mick: Yes, comrade!

He rushes out, joyfully singing the "Internationale."

O'Rourke: All those Communists... do you think that's wise?
David: Yep. Get 'em all killed early in the rebellion so they won't be a problem later. Christopher!
Chris: Yeth?
David: One: drop the lisp. Two: We need guns. Lots of guns. Where can we get powerful guns?
Chris: Time-travelling Thouth Africanth?
David: Well, we've had enough anachronisms already... Go find Harry Turtledove, stat!
Chris: Yeth, thir!

He rushes out, joyfully not singing the "Internationale."

O'Rourke: Bad idea. And this time, there's no excuse.
David: What do you mean?
O'Rourke: Bringing in Turtledove. This AAR's quality of writing will suffer. He'll make jokes that aren't funny at all. Not to mention the constant use of convoluted ways of getting out of situations...
David: So... what's the difference?
O'Rourke: The current problem will get a lot worse.
David: I see what you mean. Chris! Get back in here RIGHT NOW!

He does so.

Chris: What'th the problem?
David: That order was the worst mistake I have made in my entire life. Including forgetting to bring guns the last time. And letting you navigate. Combined. It's even worse than New Coke.
O'Rourke: Wow, that is bad.
Chris: Tho, what do I do?
David: Pray that whomever caused the missing scene last post shows up again.









Nothing happens.

David: Curses! Well, back to Plan B.
Chris: What'th that?
David: Pointed sticks.
O'Rourke: (sigh) I'll go buy some guns. Maybe there's an NRA convention in town or something. While I'm gone, David, go round up some more revolutionaries. I have a feeling the Commies aren't going to be enough.
 
oh god that was stupid, I reread the last couple of posts and found it to :eek:o
*One of the cruelest things in the English language is the fact that the word "lisp" has an "s" in it...

The NRA convention might not be that bad an idea with the ban gone now :rolleyes: