The Shores of Eternity

CatKnight said:

So your goal is to take out the Sunni (and the Dakota)?

Sounds interesting! Good luck! Any house rules?

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I was considering doing house rules, but I decided that anything is fair game so long as it's entertaining. I will be playing as the Ottoman Empire (for now), on normal/normal. As you can tell, I'm not going for a difficult game

EPISODE ONE
The Reign of Mehmed I


The Ottoman Empire and surrounds in 1419

Dateline: January 1. Bursa, The Ottoman Empire.

Proclamation of the Great Sultan Mehmed I

...and it is with great regret that we must announce the creation of a state of war between the Ottoman Empire and the statelet of Serbia. In recent memory, there has been no transgression against our great state by the people and leadership of Serbia. Because of this, we have surmised that one of either two things is occurring. They are planning to attack us in great force, or they're incredibly weak and fear us. Regardless of which, it's sufficient cause for war, and we've decided to be proactive about it! Hope you aren't too miffed,

Sultan Mehmed I
XOXOXO

Ottoman soldiers began the trek across the southern Balkans to the provinces of Serbia and Kosovo. After a few minor skirmishes going alternatingly for the Ottomans and the Serbians, the Ottoman army settles in for a short term occupation.

As success became imminent, Mehmed decided to further exercise the strength of his military by declaring war against Byzantium. While one force of 20000 men moved to occupy Constantinople, the other force headed to the Morea and the last holdout of the Roman Empire other than the Polis.

By the end of 1420, Mehmed had succeeded in dislodging the Romans from the Morea, incorporated Kosovo by dismantling the Grave and Growing danger of Serbia, and bringing war to southern Anatolia through a declaration of war against Karaman for being "too ominous."

Mehmed was pleased with his successes and hoped to have laid the foundation for a successful empire by the time of his sudden death in May of 1421. How little he knew, but the least of actions by the Great Sultan would resound through the halls of history and forever change the future of the world.


The Ottoman Empire at the time of Mehmed I's death in 1421

EPISODE TWO
The Reign of Emperor Fabulous, Part One

On May 26, 1421, Sultan Mehmed I introduced a new style of music to the court of the Ottoman Empire. However minor it may have seemed at the time, it was this cross of cultures which would precede the undoing of all traditional Islam.

Shortly after the first official concert of the first official band of the Ottoman Empire, Mehmed I suffered a lethal brain aneurism and was succeeded by someone far more influenced by the new music. Murad II was, by all considerations, a fanatic for funk music. It was the influence that would lead to his first decree on June 5.

While the legalese was all but incomprehensible, there were two main points of the decree:

1- Murad II was henceforth to be referred to as Emperor Fabulous.
2- The Ottoman Empire was henceforth to be referred to as The Groovetations.

This decree, obviously an homage to Emperor Fabulous and the Groovetations, the first official band of the Ottoman Empire, was met with quizzical expressions and laughter in the far off courts of western and central Europe, but the neighboring countries found this remarkable turn of events to be a mixture of unsettling, disturbing, and far too odd for their tastes.

Emperor Fabulous consolidated the gains of his predecessor, annexing the Morea from Byzantium in December of 1421, and returning for Constantinople in April of 1423. Disliking the old name for the city (Emperor Fabulous thought "Constantinople" to be "too nerdy"), he aptly renamed it "New Freeland" and went about vassalizing Karaman and Teke, taking Konya and Adana for good measure.

In June of 1423, Emperor Fabulous was displeased with reports that dangerously low levels of awesome were coming from his Balkan Orthodox holdings, and directed Emissaries of Funk to bring the locals into the fold and join the rest of the Groovetations in the happy, freespirited, warmongering world of Funk. As peace settled into the Empire for the first time in four and a half years, and the first time in Emperor Fabulous' reign, a feeling of malaise began to arise within the neighbors of this new, dangerous, and eccentric empire. Who among them would be next?


New Freeland, the new capital of The Groovetations

EPISODE THREE
The reign of Emperor Fabulous, Part Two

New Freeland, June 1423

Vizier Mohammed al Bund-i stormed into the Emperor's planning room, startling the various staffers who were at work devising a plan for the future of the empire.

Emperor Fabulous quickly recovered from his startle, and addressed the Vizier: "What you on about, cat? Why you gotta be bustin' my groove? We're tryin' to chillllll, man... Yeah..."

"My leige Murad-" al Bund-i began.

"Emperor Fabulous."

"Emperor- shudder - Emperor Fabulous, I've come before you today to re-
...come before you to reques-
...I'm sorry, my leige, but are you high?"

"As a kite."

"OK. Well. That's nice. I'm just going to leave, now. You, ah, have fun."

"Ace..."

The summer of 1423 saw a number of lesser reforms throughout the Empire of the Goovetations. Vizier al Bund-i sought to increase both the land holdings of the empire as well as the economic value of those already held, and he went about this in a systematic way: abuse the Christians.

al Bund-i negotiated a number of agreements for Emperor Fabulous with the merchant republics of Genoa and Venice prior to the capture of Constantinople which resulted in a favorable trade status between the nations. Following the movement of the capital to New Freeland, the Groovetations immediately backed out of the agreements with Venice and Genoa, keeping the investments and positive effects while dropping any benefit for the Christians.

The announcement was made declaring that the Groovetations needed no economic concessions to any nation, be it Christian or otherwise, but advised the merchant republics that they should "be cool, man" and work on "keeping it real" before they look to any military actions.

The rest of the year was dedicated to ensuring the Groovetations' numerous neighbors that they were, in fact, a peaceloving people who just wanted to spread the good vibrations. Internally, al Bund-i promoted a number of Groove Collectors at the Emperor's request, and ordered the deployment of troops to the banks of the Danube in preparation for the first monetary extraction from the Romanian principalities.

The official declaration of war was delivered in June of 1424, and was met with little surprise. The real surprise, however, came in that the war lasted for 4 and a half years. The end result was 250 ducats being added to the Groovetations' treasury and 50 coming out for the troops, so despite the duration, it was a success.

al Bund-i then pushed the Groovetations into war against Ak Koyunlu, an action with which the Emperor agreed because "those jive turkeys" failed to provide sufficient "green for the grass." Taking five provinces for their troubles, including the gold producing Armenia, the Groovetations were clearly building up steam.

In October of 1431, Emperor Fabulous was pushing to go to war against Serbia again, something with which al Bund-i disagreed with, for the moment.

"We gots to take those suckas OUT!"

"My leige, I believe they have ties to a number of other local powers, and it would be pru-"

"They listen to bluegrass!"

"It would be prudent to build up our forces before we risk a declaration of war from Venice. We can win in a war, but without sufficient time to prepare, it could end up costing us quite a lot more than-"

"Bluegrass!"

And with that, the declaration of war was delivered to Serbia. The next day's mail included declarations of war from Venice, the Knights, Cyprus, Ragusa, and Bosnia.

During the war, Emperor Fabulous annexed Serbia, defeated the Ragusans and Bosnians in battle, and then headed to Anatolia to deal with a new threat: Disco.

The Knights, embracing innovative music styles, had finally found a weapon with which they could combat the Groovetations on their homeground. This thrust was embodied in the assault of Hugh "2 Cool 4 U" Middleton first into Morea, capturing it for the Knights, and then into Smyrna, where Emperor Fabulous personally led the charge against the Disco DJ, and was met with a fierce rebuke. A battle of the bands in Smyrna occurred, with the new sound of Disco stealing the victory from Emperor Fabulous. 8000 Turks and Knights were dead at the end of the musical massacre, and Smyrna fell into the Disco groove.


Saturday Knight Fever: Hugh "2 Cool 4 U" Middleton busts a groove in Smyrna

jwolf said:

Reading of Mehmed's reign, I wasn't prepared for Emperor Murad -- excuse me, Fabulous. I loved the "battle of the bands" in Smyrna, but I am astonished that Murad's Groovetations lost! How was that possible? Just how good is that "2 cool 4 U" Hugh Middleton?

Good luck finding a cure for your Saturday Knight Fever. :rofl:

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Oh, he gets his just desserts He won the first battle because I'd been attacking Smyrna from Macedonia and he's almost as good as Emperor Fabulous (3/3/3/1 vs. E.F.'s 3/3/4/1).

Glad you like it so far, I have a few things in mind already, but as far as the bulk of the story goes, I'm having as much fun reading it as writing it

Machiavellian said:

Interesting and weird tale so far. I do have one question however, Aren't you trying to do a Shi'ite conquest? But aren't the Ottomans Sunni?

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Unless I'm mistaken, one of the Turko-Persian conflict events allows the Ottomans to adopt the Shi'ite faith and get 4 free conversions. At the moment, I'm trying get orthodox cores with compatible cultures and convert them, so I only have to worry about sunni, shi'ite, and a very few catholics when I have 5 religion sliders. That's also the reason I haven't touched the Mameluks yet; I'm hoping they convert some of their provinces, then I'll occupy their capital to set off the Kalipha once I've converted to Shi'ite.

zacharym87 said:

I'm rather surprised Emperor Fabulous and the Groovetations bother themselves about doctrinal squabbles, do the Shi'ites lay down a meaner bass line? Great story so far.

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Among other things But just pretend that Shia doesn't exist until the event comes up

EPISODE FOUR
The Reign of Emperor Fabulous, Part III

Following the disasterous first Battle of the Bands in Smyrna, Emperor Fabulous was distraught. Never before had Funk suffered so clear a blow to its sovreignty as the defeat at the hands of Hugh "2 Cool 4 U" Middleton of the Disco Knights. Emperor Fabulous sought to recover morale by making an example of this rogue minstrel... Amassing a force of 16000 elite Funkadelics, Fabulous returned to the field of battle and scored a well deserved victory over the DJ Middleton, who was thenafter exiled to become a lounge singer in Armenia.


Emperor Fabulous restores the dignity to Funk after dealing a healthy can of whoopass to Disco

With the major threat gone, the rest of the war was a foregone conclusion. Slightly more interesting than the war, however, was the peace settlement. Ragusa was to empty her treasury for the funding of more Missionaries of Funk, Venice was to give up rights to the Greek islands of the Aegean as well as the island of Corfu, and Funk was to be reaffirmed as the official music of all Islam.

This last point was the sticking one for the rest of the Muslims in the world, as while they all were humbled by the successes of the Groovetations, they felt that Islam was not being taken seriously. To that end, the Kaliphate, with backing of the Timurid empire, declared war on the Groovetations not one week after peace was settled with venice. Emperor Fabulous, with a land military numbering no more than 6500 cavalry, was to head to the east and defeat armies with twelve times his own starting force.


The Diplomatic state of the Groovetations after the Peace of Venice (1437) and the First War of Funky Supremacy

The first battles were fierce, trying to keep Azerbaijan from falling into the combined hordes of the Timurid Empire and the Kaliphate, who kept sending tens of thousands of devout muslims against the elite funkadelics. Eventually, they were able to dislodge Emperor Fabulous after taking many casualties. He headed east to recruit 13000 more men to bolster his ranks. After resting for a few months, Azerbaijan fell into the hands of the Kaliphate, but Emperor Fabulous charged into the battle, routing the Kaliphitic army and beseiging Azerbaijan before heading into Kirkuk.

Emperor Fabulous seiged Kirkuk successfully while fending off upwards of 80000 enemy soldiers coming on waves of 10000. Instead of pressing further into lands opposed to his rule, Emperor Fabulous settled for peace on two conditions: 10 ducats be paid to the Groovetations to compensate for marijuana lost in the seige of Azerbaijan, and funk being recognized as the official music of all Islam.

The Emperor let the nation recover from years of war and opted to dispatch more missionaries, now that the only holdouts of Orthodoxy were in Greece proper and Armenia, breaking the peace only long enough to snatch Kurdistan and Kastamonu from Trebizond, who promptly retaliated by getting annexed by Denmark.


The Groovetations in 1447

Emperor Fabulous was getting old. He knew he wasn't long for this world, but he had time left for a few more tricks. First, in 1450, he announced that no longer shall Funk be defined by Islam, but that Islam shall be defined by Funk. This shift removed the focus on the religious aspects, and would lead to purer study of music and all its qualities. However, not all muslims agreed that Funk was the best style of music, particularly the rulers of Egypt, the Levant, Oman, and the people of Persia. They supported the ascendence of Alternative Rock music as the True Way. The Christian world, shocked by the success of the Groovetations and wary of a fully Funkified Muslim world declared their alleigances to music. The Pope in Rome declared that the One True Style was Pop music, something everyone could agree on, except for the schismatics who opted for Classical music to provide their strength.


The New Order

Additionally, Emperor Fabulous felt it offensive that followers of Pop music should have a stronghold so close to the home of Funk, and declared war on Denmark.


The War on Pop

jwolf said:

I fell out of my chair when I saw that screenshot of your "religious" tolerances! Your modding is absolutely brilliant!

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Thanks for that, and I think you'll be pleased to note the afro and gold trim on the missionaries icon on the top info bar

Machiavellian: The Disco Knights are currently the only nation embracing that musical style, mostly because it failed against Funk in the end. They're still around, though, since the Maltese oddly found the music soothing and defected from Aragon...



You can expect an update tomorrow, and thanks all for the positive encouragement. It is much appreciated, especially on my first attempt at an AAR.