Baden Wurz

Bernhard sat in his throne, under the heavy weight of depression.

"Oh what will I do? Things are going to get Baden Wurz...and at their wurst it will be...oh...can I not prevent my successor from rising to the throne? How can I prevent things from getting Baden Wurz?"

His advisor, who had all the brains, pointed out, "It's hard now for things to get Wurz! Besides, the prophet said you'd make a mighty empire."

"That's right! I gotta make a mighty empire!"

So Bernhard declared war on Strassburg.

(At this point, Hajji Giray I, who can trace some of his ancestors back to the city of Strasbourg, contemplates finishing the AAR right here, but realizes he's too far in already.)

Bernhard led his men with all the courage of a man trying his best to serve his destiny, a man determined to succeed at all costs. At one point he personally mounted the city wall of Strasbourg armed only with a Swiss army knife and two tickets to a New York Knicks game. Strasbourg quickly fell and the Alsace was annexed.

"Good start," said Bernhard, and then declared war on Wurzburg.*

"This is the wurst!" said the King of Wurzburg as the situation steadily got wurz around him.

"Think we can get away with Wirttemburg?" asked Bernhard, in his new palace in Wurzburg.

"Well, they're in an alliance with Austria, so no," said the advisor with the monopoly on brain power. "Besides, there's a rebellion to take care of in Alsace."

"Aack! Baden Wurz!" moaned Bernhard.

"No, not at all; things get Baden Wurz after you die," pointed out the advisor.

So they squashed the rebellion, and then moved domestic policy towards serfdom, just for kicks. Actually, Bernhard enjoyed Schadenfreude**.

Now, surrounded by bigger nations, Bernhard left the planning of his mighty new empire to the advisor with all the brains and went on vacation...

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*At this point the author was tempted to insert a joke involving "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", but wisely restrained himself.
**Probably spelled wrong

I'm posting this for two reasons: First, I am now "most recent poster" on three fora

Also, feedback-

Judas: I don't know what you're going to do, but I'm scared already
Mach: That's the wurst joke!
All: Thanks for the feedback & response, warms a wee writer's soul and prepares him for the next installment...which the British spell instalment...

Bernhard sat in the spas of Baden-Baden while his advisor did all the thinking. At that moment, while the advisor was considering the Swiss, a messenger ran in.

"Sir! The duchies of Mainz and the Palatinate have signed a white peace!"

As one can imagine, this gave the advisor some ideas, and faster than you can say "Heidelberg-style pizza" war was declared on Mainz.

"Without my permission, too!"

"King Bernhard, it was too important to pass up, and urgent, too."

"You want me to get a new advisor?"

"No."

"Well, ask my permission first next time."

"Sir, Mainz is already falling."

"So I don't get a chance to help out?" The Grand Emperor Bernhard galloped off to Mainz to command the siege. As the city fell, he charged inside its gates yelling, "For myseeeeelllfff!!!" with his sword high in the air.

Mainz was annexed in a matter of days, and the Grand Emperor and his advisor turned their sights on the Palatinate.

"There's just one hitch, sir."

"Good, we can put my yacht on it."

"No, sir, they're in an alliance with...with...Hessen and...it's kind of hard to see from this distance...Saxony!"

(At this point sinister drums rolled and a tuba with a mute in it played some note in a very minor key.)

"That's bad."

"Very bad, O Grand High Regent of the Skies and Emperor of the Earths."

The Grand High Regent of the Skies and Emperor of the Earths declared war on the Palatinate anyways. Hessen betrayed the enemy by choosing the free donuts over the war with the new superpower, but Saxony invaded Wurzburg and laid siege.

"What happens when things get Baden Wurz, O Grand High Regent of the Skies and Emperor of the Earths?"

Bernhard knew the answer: "I die!"

"No, you dimwit," said the advisor, "we recruit the Hessians!"

Despite being massacred on Christmas by Georg Vassingen, the Saxon general, the 12,000 Hessians eventually managed to stop the siege.

"That went well," said the Grand High Regent of the Skies and Emperor of the Earths in his new palace in Pfalz. "We annexed the Plate Whatevers and we beat up the Saxophones. What next?"

"Not much, sir," said the overly intelligent advisor, who was flipping through All the Questions Ever Asked on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? and memorizing the answers. "We have a slight money problem."

"Lease my gardens. I can't stand the gardens, make me sneeze, I only keep them cuz my wife likes 'em anyways."

They leased his gardens for 400 ducats, and lo! it was good.

Quoth Bernhard: "So...what next?"

"Why, the Swiss, of course," said the advisor. "I have developed a terrific technique that renders yodel-warfare obsolete."

"How did you do that?" asked the newly-retitled Grand Emperor of the Seven Continents and Seven Seas and Overseer of the Rising and Setting of the Sun, Bernhard I.

"Long story. When shall we invade?"

"NOW!" shouted the Grand Emperor outside the gates of Geneva, and his sword flashed downward and the mighty armies of Baden surged forward. They captured the city with ease, but were then forced to sign a treaty promising to never use land mines again.

"Then what's the use of war?" asked the heartbroken land-mine industry fatcats in their annual meeting with the High Regent of the Universe, Bernhard I.

"I don't know. We'll give you more subsidies," announced High Regent Bernhard.

"Good deal," said one of the fatcats, who led the others out and drove off in a limo to a French restaurant.

"It's a good thing we settled that trade dispute," pointed the advisor. "But too bad we only got Schwyz in the peace deal."

"I know!" exclaimed the High Regent of the Universe. "After all, why can't I annex a nation with two or more provinces?"

"You can't."

"That's stupid!" -and the High Regent's newly recruited Ja-men all said "Ja, ja."

So five years later they declared war again and annexed the Swiss.

"It was worth it just for the chocolates," said Bernhard.

"Just wait 'til Belgium!" announced the advisor. -and the High Regent's Ja-men all said, "Ja, ja!"

"What are your plans for the feuture, grand emperor of all the world???" asked the peasant named Mosby to Bernhard.

"Treasonous traitor heretic! I am the High Regent of the Universe and Controller of the Motions of the Sun, Moon, and Stars! You should know better!" Bernhard burst into anger. "Have him hanged!"

The advisor (whose brain cells were eroding) agreed humbly and instead led Singleton Mosby out to a bar, where they had a few dozen drinks each.

Meanwhile, High Regent of the Universe and Controller of the Motions of the Sun, Moon, and Stars Bernhard I declared war on Austria.

"You WHAT?" said the furious and drunk advisor with the Quiz Bowl trophy above his fireplace. "You don't declare war on Australia!"

"I do."

"Well, umsbuddum...mmm..muwa..." and the advisor collapsed and died.

Unfortunately this led to a spate of bad government policies, which started with the invasions of both Wirttemburg and Tirol. But High Regent of the Universe and Controller of the Motions of the Sun, Moon, and Stars Bernhard pushed his troops hard, warning that they had to succeed or else.

"Or else what?" asked the only soldier who had any brains. The executioner lopped his head off that night.

Bernhard's big problem was that he was in over his head. But he still managed to make croissants out of the Viennese* and finally took Wurttemburg for his own. This was immediately before he hired the obsessive-compulsive nutcase as his new advisor.

"No, High Regent of the Universe and Controller of the Motions of the Sun, Moon, and Stars, we can't annex Tirol because then our nation would look funny on the map. There's this thing sticking out, it doesn't look good. See, our nation now looks nice and round and nice, but if we annexed Tirol it would jut out and that wouldn't be...you see...it's just..."

The High Regent of the Universe and Controller of the Motions of the Sun, Moon, and Stars fired the obsessive-compulsive nutcase** and hired instead a cat. The cat didn't say anything, so Bernhard was always right! Bernhard loved it. And he annexed Tirol, too.

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*OOC: Extra credit points to the first person to understand the joke
**Modeled, of course, on myself

"Well, my little pussy cat, who shall I invade next?" asked High Regent of the Universe and Controller of the Motions of the Sun, Moon, and Stars Bernhard I.

"Meow," replied the advisor with all the fur.

"Lessee..." Bernhard pulled out a map and looked. "Brilliant! Brilliant! Yes: a rich province which means I only have one more province to conquer to get to the ocean!"

"Meow," replied the cat. Bernhard responded by giving it a great big hug, to which the cat replied by tearing the High Regent of the Universe and Controller of the Motions of the Sun, Moon, and Stars's face to shreds.

The High Regent of the Universe and Controller of the Motions of the Sun, Moon, and Stars declared war on Milan the day after he had the cat fired. It was a pushover, of course; as a matter of fact, Milan was pushed over into Tirol, where a few million rebellions occured in an obscenely short amount of time.

"Things are getting Baden Wurz!" shouted the now very arrogant and possessive Husband of 700 Wives, Bernhard I. God only knows how he managed to find time for all of them... "What? Solomon did it!" is his answer.

But that didn't matter at all, because things were about to get Baden Wurz...