I know I owe the public an update to my New England AAR, but I feel like getting the backstory of this one out first.
And so, presenting The Conquests of the Norton Dynasty.
***
The men were shouting at each other now, there in the smoky bar of the ironically named American Hotel. Threats flew loudly, promises more quietly, bribes slithered between hands. The capital would be in San Francisco! It would remain in Sacramento! What about the south and Los Angeles? What about Mexico? Would Washington sit still for it? Would Hamlin declare war on the new country, even as he fought the Confederates?
Samuel Clemens and Ambrose Bierce, newspapermen and witnesses to history (or hysteria, as Bierce would write later), sat behind the bar, smoking nicer cigars then they could usually afford, purloined from the hotel stock.
"What patriots California has bred!", Clemens muttered. "Do you think they'll get the gumption together to sign that little bit of treason they're calling the Declaration of California? Or will we have to play our trump?"
"Patriots: One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors," Bierce muttered darkly. "They'll sign it; it will make them all rich. But they’ll need our excuse."
"I've read your poisonous little dictionary, friend Ambrose," said Clemens. "I only wish I had thought of it first."
The railroad men, the Wells Fargo men, the shipping magnates, the mine owners, everyone wanted to leave the sinking ship, S.S. United States. But who would rule? Who would profit? Most importantly, who would take the blame if it all fell apart?
"Politicians: An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared." Bierce took another slug of whisky and stood. "Gentlemen, and I use the term most loosely, all of this talk is fascinating, simply fantastic. But Mr. Clemens and I came from the paper with some recent news from the telegraph. May I?"
The gathered dignitaries fell grudgingly silent. Bierce puffed on his cigar. "Ahem. Seattle Compact signed. Columbia free state. New England independent. Mormons expel troops. United States dissolved."
"So," said Clemens languidly from behind the bar, "everyone else is jumping on the bandwagon. Remember, to be a patriot, one has to say, and keep on saying, 'Our country, right or wrong,' and urge on the little war."
Silence in the room, except for the chuckling of Bierce. "War: A by-product of the arts of peace."
"But what if we fail," whined the Wells Fargo banker.
"Then," said Bierce darkly, "you shall meet the hangman. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry."
"I won't risk it!", shouted a mine owner. "My life's worth too much to hang!"
"That is a solemn thought," laughed Clemens, "but remember, dead, the noblest man's meat is inferior to pork."
"Who let those two in?", a shipper whispered.
"The news let us in, gentlemen," said Clemens, "and we have the answer to your dilemma! What would you say if I told you I had the man you needed, the man to stand up and sign that document for all Californians, but a man so mad that Washington will not know how to react. A man who will buy you the time for treason, without the nasty result if treason doesn't become patriotism!"
"Treason: the state of the losing party," croaked Bierce, waving away cigar smoke.
"Make yourself clear, you damn scrivener!", bellowed a fat hotelier.
Clemens reached into his pocket and pulled out a document, finely rolled and sealed. He intoned with due solemnity:
"
It is represented to us that the universal suffrage, as now existing through the Union, is abused; that fraud and corruption prevent a fair and proper expression of the public voice; that open violation of the laws are constantly occurring, caused by mobs, parties, factions and undue influence of political sects; that the citizen has not that protection of person and property which he is entitled to by paying his pro rata of the expense of Government--in consequence of which, WE do hereby abolish Congress, and it is therefore abolished; and WE order and desire the representatives of all parties interested to appear at the Musical Hall of this city on the first of February next, and then and there take the most effective steps to remedy the evil complained of."
"So you see, the United States Congress has already been dissolved. Moreover . . . ." Here Clemens pulled out another scroll:
"
WHEREAS, it is necessary for our Peace, Prosperity and Happiness, as also to the National Advancement of the people of the United States, that they should dissolve the Republican form of government and establish in its stead an Absolute Monarchy;
NOW, THEREFORE, WE, Norton I, by the Grace of God Emperor of the Thirty-three states and the multitude of Territories of the United States of America, do hereby dissolve the Republic of the United States, and it is hereby dissolved;
And all laws made from and after this date, either by the National Congress or any State Legislature, shall be null and of no effect.
All Governors, and all other persons in authority, shall maintain order by enforcing the heretofore existing laws and regulations until the necessary alterations can be effected.
Given under our hand and seal, at Headquarters, San Francisco, this 26th day of July, 1860."
Bierce stood up. "Your work is already done, you cowards. A man has stepped forward and proclaimed everything you want. Just acknowledge the authority of Emperor Norton I, and the United States will have a madman to hang - should things go poorly. And you'll have a well dressed puppet that the people love – should things go well."
"That's insane!", shouted a railroad man.
"That's the point," said Clemens, pulling out a final scroll.
"
At the peremptory request of a large majority of the citizens of these United States, I, Joshua Norton, formerly of Algoa Bay, Cape of Good Hope, and now for the past nine years and ten months of San Francisco, California, declare and proclaim myself Emperor of these United States, and in virtue of the authority thereby in me vested, do hereby order and direct the representatives of the different States of the Union to assemble in the Musical Hall of this city on the 1st day of February next, then and there to make such alterations in the existing laws of the Union as may ameliorate the evils under which the country is laboring, and thereby cause confidence to exist, both at home and abroad, in our stability and integrity."
Bierce nodded. "All you have to do is recognize his authority, and you'll get everything you want."
A banker stood. "What do you two get out of this?"
"We? We get one hell of a story." Clemens strode over to the door, flung it wide. There stood the Emperor Norton, uniform, sword, and plumed hat, beard and intense eyes. Clemens dropped to one knee. "Your majesty."
Bierce stood at the table with the assembled notables, whispering intently: "There he is, gentlemen, your scapegoat, your puppet, your excuse, the man who will sign anything, they man they'll hang if you fail. There he is." Bierce suddenly shouted, as all the men jumped: "
Your Emperor!"
***
Two days later, the Empire of California was declared, to be ruled by Emperor Norton I and his plenipotentiary council. The Emperor was to be advised by two newspapermen, Mssrs. Clemens and Bierce. The
de jure capital would remain in Sacramento, but the Emperor would rule from San Francisco.
Washington, D.C., had no response.
[Mr. Bierce's "definitions" are from his
Devil's Dictionary, available on-line at
http://www.alcyone.com/max/lit/devils/index.html. Some of Mr. Clemens' quote are from
http://www.twainquotes.com/. Emperor Norton's proclamations are real and can be found at
http://www.notfrisco.com/nortoniana/.]
.
