Where little white rabbits fly - A Denmark AAR

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Where little white rabbits fly
A tale of noble men, evil kings and flying white rabbits.
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PROLOGUE

Somewhere in a really dark place
It was dark. No light shone upon the two dark figures standing in the dark.
"He has sent for you." one of them said.
"I know." the other one said.
"And you know why?"
"Eh.. no not really."
"Doesn't matter, you don't need to know anything."
"Phew. For a while I thought I had forgot to read something important and that someone would get really angry with me for not reading that very important whatever-it-could-have-been."
"Noone is angry with you."
"Good. I remember once in 5th grade when we were on a trip to the park, and I had forgot my lunch because my mom had.."
"Shut up you mumbling fool! Noone cares about your stupid school-trip!"
"Oh, but I.."
"Shhh. He's coming."


Poor King Eric
It was a beautifull morning in the year of our lord 1412. The danish king Erik of Pommern took a stroll down the corridors of the royal castle of Copenhagen. He was the sovereign ruler of the Kalmarunion, a powerfull northern alliance between the kingdoms of Sweden, Norway and Denmark. "Sovereign ruler!" he thought to himself. He stopped in front of one the mirrors and began posing in various royal positions, talking to himself.
"Yes that's right. I am the King. The King I am. You shall refer to me as your Royal Highness, for I am your King! The King of Denmark, Sweden and Norway. King with the right to rule. The King with the golden crown."
Erik swung around with the royal scepter in both hands, ran across the hallway and hid behind one of the pillars. "The name is King, Erik the King." he said calmly with a scottish accent and then leaped forward from his hiding spot almost hitting Hans the Bischop in the head with his royal staff.
"What in Gods name..." the old Bischop said and staired at the scepter pointing at his nose.
Embarrassed and unsure what to do Erik stood nailed to the floor. "Ehm.. I was attacked!" Erik said. "And I tried to catch him..."
"By pointing your little staff at him?" the Bischop wondered rather amused.
"Yes! No! I mean... what business of yours is it anyway?"
"None at all, your Highness. Let's just hope the perpetrator is caught shall we?"
"Yes yes. What do you want Hans?"
"The High Council will meet this afternoon your Highness."
Erik looked at the priest with fright in his eyes. This was the moment he had feared to come for the last 6 months. He began mumbling nervously.
"What,.. I mean what..? What? Now? Allready?"
"Yes. It's been 6 months since your aunts death. We can't wait any longer."
Erik turned his back against the Bischop and bent his head down. He slowly began walking and said: "Yes. What must be, must be."
From that day on Erik was only king by name. The real power was in the hands of The High Council...


Days of happiness and idiocy
Knut the Strong, Military Consul, suddenly bursted out in hystercial laughter. "Bwahahaha bwaha! Good one Mitch! Come on. Tell us the one about the peasant and the pig!"
Mitch of Baden-Wachen, Naval Consul, took another sip of wine wobbled about a bit and then again started talking.
"Ok so two years ago me and David Hazelhofen was..."

It was the year of our lord 1418. The High Council had ruled the three kingdoms for seven years and was now celebrating New Years Eve. When King Erik first created this council after Queen Margaret I's death in 1412 he hoped to strengthen his power. Instead the High Council, (by some clever political maneuvers involving a shepherd, two bananas and a Sting-record) managed to increase it's power on the expense of King Erik himself. Soon the king realized that his time as supreme ruler was up. He would still be king of course, but he couldn't decide anything without the aproval of the Council. He couldn't even listen to his Sting-records without asking for permission first.

The High Council consisted of ten Royal advisors also called Royal Consuls. Noone really knew where they came from, but all had appeared at the danish court at the time of King Erics crowning in 1397. By clever hocus-pocus and political jiggery-pokery they soon became wealthy and important figures in danish politics. And now the ten brilliant careerists were ruling the three kingdoms. Sadly most of them weren't any good at ruling a kingdom, let alone three of them. The seven years had therefor been devastating for the Kalmar union. Inflation and poverty were increasing, population was dropping, chickens were migrating to England, and the production of shovels had completly stopped. Needless to say, the kingdom was in terrible shape. The High Council realized this and decided to throw the greatest New Years Eve-party in history.

The party continued with much laughter and rejoicement. Knut the Strong, had allready emptied 5 big bottles of Pfutzelbachen-wine and was dancing like mad on one of the tables. Uwe Ribbing, Consul of Foreign Affairs sat right beneath Knut with two busty maids on his laps. "Watch it you big twat. You'll spill my beer." he mumbled with his face buried in a deep bosomly cleavage. Suddenly Knut tripped, fell and with a big bang broke the table in the fall.
A big laughter broke out among the other partycipants.
"What ever have you been drinking?" Adam of Hernat-Buchenbachenbrochen (Consul of Economy) asked well aware of what Knut the Strong had been drinking.
"Bwahahaha bwahaha! Only water my bignosed friend. Only water. Bwahaha"
"Stupid thug." Uwe Ribbing thought to himself while nibbling on something he hoped was a female nipple.

Originally posted by Hajji Giray I
So you say you are learned in the lore of Monty Python...

He who cross the Bridge of Death
Must answer me these questions three
'Ere the other side he see.
WHAT! ...is your name?
WHAT! ...is your quest?
WHAT! ...is the name of the little flying white rabbit that is about to hit me in the AARRGGH

....anyhow, funny story.

Click to expand...

Thanks.

Actually I didn't think about the Monthy Python-scene. Pure coincidence. I listened to Jefferson Airplane (White Rabbit) and just thought it was a neat name. But of course the title is a description of the AAR in some way or another.

Originally posted by J. Banér
Again this great author have prooved his skills, by doing this so-far excellent AAR, now we are waiting for the continuing which I hope will be as excellent and funny as this first part was. The book printers will be busy, the film-writers will travel to Västergötland like lemming-trains to talk to the author about the film-rights.

Click to expand...

I payed him to say that

CHAPTER 1


About economy
The greatest New years eve-party in history had strained the kingdoms economical resources to the limit. But the High Council knew how to handle a situation like this. Afterall it wasn't the first time a big New years eve-party had strained the kingdoms economical resources to the limit. It was the seventh since 1412.

The Councils economical wizkid, Adam of Hernat-Buchenbachenbrochen, Consul of economy solved the money-problem as he always did. He went to Constantinople and stole a big church, blaming the Ottomans for it. The Byzantines grew more and more suspicious of this yearly church-stealing. Why in Gods name are the Turks stealing churches from us every Januar? And why is that big-nosed Dane always here to witness the turks stealing our churches? When questioned about this Adam of Hernat-Buchenbachenbrochen just answered:
"All Turks are bastards.",
and to prove his point:
"As it says in Ephesians 1:9 and 10: 'When the bastard Turks came and stole yet another holy church, the Lord spoke to the people: 'Let there be known, that for every church stolen by the bastard Turks, there shall be one witness, to tell everyone what church-stealing bastards those Turks really are.'"
Embarrassed by their lack of knowledge in the Holy Scriptures the Byzantines had to agree that this made perfect sense, and that the Bible afterall is never wrong.
This way the Danish kingdom now had a healthy sum of 600 ducats in it's treasury.


About surfing
"Order! Order!!" a tall sun-tanned man shouted. He stood at the end of a rectangular wooden table, demanding silence of the nine people who were arguing loudly in front of him. After some hard bangs from his gavel, the group calmed down.
It was February and the year 1419s first meeting of the High Council was about to begin. All the ten royal advisors of the High Council had gathered. They were:
Knut the Strong - Military Consul,
Mitch of Baden-Wachen - Naval Consul,
Adam of Hernat-Buchenbachenbrochen - Consul of Economy,
Hans the Bischop - Consul of Christianity,
Anders the Swede - Consul of Security,
Uwe Ribbing - Consul of Diplomacy,
Fernando don Carlos el Alfonso de Panamaribo - Consul of Colonization,
Johannes of Nerdlingen - Consul of Trade
Jens the Gardener - Consul of Trees and Vegetables,
Olaf Olafssen - Consul of Farming

Chosen chairman was Mitch of Baden-Wachen, Consul of all naval stuff and one heck of a surfer. He had grown up in the ancient German province of Baden-Wachen, famous for it's amazing waves and long beaches. Claiming to be the direct descendant of ancient Roman surf-legend Gaiius "Heavy Wave" Claudius, he once got the High Council to fund a 2-year search for "The Holy Board of Gaiius". The search found nothing and the Kingdom went bankrupt, to the dismay of Adam of Hernat-Buchenbachenbrochen who therefor had to steal two big valuable churches from Constantinople that year. He had almost been caught by the Byzantines, but escaped, ironically with the help of two Ottoman diplomats who later was sentenced to death for stealing two big valuable Byzantine churches.


About immortality
Mitch smiled his biggest movie-star-smile and continued talking.
"Thank you. Sorry to interrupt you. We'll discuss who's got the biggest pig in just a moment. But first there are a number of important things to settle. The church from Constantinople just arrived. Are we selling it to the Pope as usual Consul Adam?"

"Yes, Chairman Mitch." Adam of Hernat-Buchenbachenbrochen said. "Same procedure as last year,... when we had to sell two churches to the Pope."
Adam of Hernat-Buchenbachenbrochen never wasted an opportunity to remind everybody of the "Holy Board of Gaiius-fiasco", and he always did so with a mad twisted smile on his face longing for his sweet revenge to come.

"Ok let's.." Mitch of Baden-Wachen was interrupted by a sudden bang. Then came a ridiculous trumpet-fanfare followed by a loud disgusting noise similar to the noise a cow makes when squeezed through the hole of a needle. A mysterious man in a dark robe now stood silently on the wooden table, his face covered in darkness. The Consuls all staired confused at the man. Nobody had seen him come in, let alone seen him climbing up on the table.

"Greetings honorable members of The High Council."
The mysterious man spoke with a commanding voice that somehow echoed as in a large cathedral. Uwe Ribbing was the first to speak:

"Greetings mysterious man. Who are you? And what is your business here?"

"My name is of no importance. My business here I shall speak of soon. You have now been running and ruining this country for seven years and phase 1 is now completed. All is going as planned and my master is very pleased."

"Your master? You mean... God!?" all Consuls said as speaking one voice. Their eyes were wideoopen, afraid a blinking would ruin this divine experience. Hans the Bischop started mumbling something in latin about the Father, the Son and the holy Goat. Jens the Gardener was praying for the ressurection of all dead plants. Knut the Strong and Mitch of Baden-Wachen stuffed their mouths full with mints to cover the smell of liquor and cigar-smoke. Adam of Hernat-Buchenbachenbrochen nervously scratched his nose, wondering what God thought about church-stealing.

"No. Not God" the mysterious man said. "I was working for him until last year. But then we couldn't agree on my new wage, so I quit. You know how it is. Anyway, the nature of my master is of no concern to you.
Now to business. I have come to offer you all a precious gift. A gift so valuable that it can not be described with words. A gift so rare that it's only given to a few chosen men. The gift that makes all other gifts pale in comparison. A gift so cool, that it's hipper than hip."

"The Holy Board of Gaiius!?" Mitch of Baden-Wachen said.

"No. The Gift is...IMMORTALITY!"
A ridiculous trumpet fanfare played and the mysterious man (from now on known as the Messenger) disapeared as mysteriously as he had appeared. Left on the table was a folder with "Manual for Immortals" written on the frontpage.

And so the royal advisors of the High Council became immortal. They could still be killed but only by another immortal, a flying white rabbit or by the Master himself. However with immortality came many rules that had to be followed. The High Council had to agree to restore some power to the King. The King could now appoint some officials, as well as attend the meetings of the High Council where he had two votes. The High Council also agreed to accomplish any task or mission the Master wanted done. Additionally there were a number of minor rules. For instance, Adam of Hernat-Buchenbachenbrochen was no longer allowed to steal churches in Constantinople and the traditional New years eve-parties were forbidden.

CHAPTER 2


Political map of the Baltic Sea region 1419:




A new beginning
Except for this whole immortality-thing, 1419 had begun with Sweden declaring war on the old city of Novgorod, dragging Denmark and Norway with them. All Consuls except Anders the Swede became furious.

"Come on guys! Who cares about a little war outside Finland?" Anders the Swede asked.

"We bloody well care!" all other Consuls shouted. "They have no right to declare war in the name of the Union!"

Johannes of Nerdlingen suggested closing ports for Swedish merchants. Jens the Gardener thought confiscating all Swedish potted plants was a better idea. Knut the Strong wanted to send a mighty fleet of 150 warships, and an army of 350.000 men to crush Sweden, burn and conquer Novgorod, and then while they were at it, start a little war against Pskov or some other little pointless province somewhere. Uwe Ribbing managed to talk him out of it, saying the Hanseatic League could take advantage of a Denmark without defenses. In the end the High Council settled with an official warning to Sweden. The economy was to weak for anyting else.

In 1419 Denmark was a small but rich kingdom in union with two larger but poorer kingdoms, Norway and Sweden. It was a decentralized feudal country with a rich powerfull nobility, of which the most powerfull were the members of the High Council. And despite his newly restored power the king was still weak, merely acting as a symbolic figure.
For years Denmark had been in conflict over trade and borders with german cities and provinces in the northwestern HRE. With Knut the Strong at the helm of the danish military, Denmark had been thrown into two devestating wars with the Hanseatic League. Wars that settled nothing. But Knut was completly satisfied. He argued that the purpose of war wasn't to settle or solve anything. Because if you did, you wouldn't have anything to quarrel about. And no quarrel meant no war. And that's no fun, Knut the Strong concluded.
Now when Adam of Hernat-Buchenbachenbrochen no longer could steal churches to raise money, he decided to steal money from the peasants and burgeois instead. He increased taxes and organized all tax-collectors to work more efficiently i.e. beating the crap out of anyone that didn't pay.



Flying white rabbits?
"Fernando? On your trips around the world, have you ever seen a flying white rabbit?" Johannes of Nerdlingen wondered.

"No never." Fernando don Carlos el Alfonso de Panamaribo answered.

"Good."



"The czechs are coming! The czechs are coming!"
In 1420-21 Novgorod was put under enormous pressure. War against Sweden, Denmark, Norway, the Muscovites and the Teutonic Knights threatened to tear the old empire of the Rus apart. Fortunatly for Novgorod, Sweden agreed to peace in 1421 with Novgorod paying only a small ammount of indemnities.
In September 1421, Bohemia gained a foothold on the coast of the Baltic Sea by aquiring Vorpommern in a peace-aggreement. Allied with the Kingdom of Poland and Grand Duchy of Lithuania, Bohemia had now upset the power of balance in northwestern Germany. Both Scandinavians and Germans became deeply concerned.

"Shbloody polesh, sshlavs, czshechs lishualiens and what noscht!" Consul Olaf Olafssen, roared while chewing on a big loaf of bread. He took a moment to finish chewing and then continued, "What the hell are they taking their rotten business up north for? I mean... Aren't you bothered at all Eric? It's your native lands afterall."

King Eric and three of "his" Consuls were on the Kings yearly tax-collecting trip around the country. A festive occasion, celebrated everywhere with riots and unrest where ever they went. On October 27, the three men and their entourage had taken lodgings in the newly built castle Krogen outside Helsingør. All four sat at a square wooden table in the dining-room. On one side, the tall blond Mitch of Baden-Wachen and Olaf Olafssen, short and bald. On the other, pale King Eric and the tiny figure of Jens the Gardener.
One of few things Eric could decide, was which three Conusuls to bring collecting taxes with him. He always chose the same three. Olaf Olafssen was an old friend, Mitch of Baden-Wachen was a moron and Jens only talked with his flowers. So these three made least fun out of him.
In the midst of the loud argument, Jens the Gardener was whispering something to one of his pink orchids, stairing lovinlgy at the flower. The others took little notice of him.

"Yes of course I'm bothered Olaf." Eric replied. "Especially since I had my biggest Sting-collection in Stralsund. Bastards!"

"I can understand Bohemia for taking that province you know." Mitch of Baden-Wachen said. "There are some awesome waves outside Rügen." Mitch smiled one of his annoying and completly pointless movie-star-smiles, that always made him look like a fool. He often smiled like this.

Mad with frustration Olaf Olafssen emptied his winejar over Mitch's head turning his blond hair all red. "You blurtboggling idiot. They aren't there for the waves! They want power, money and a piece of the trade. That's what they want. But we won't let them will we? We won't let those bloody squablobbers take what's rightfully ours! If we four vote for a war against Bohemia, we only need two more votes from the rest! What say ye?"

Olaf Olafssen managed to get enough votes for Denmark to go to war. The only ones voting against were Adam of Hernat-Buchenbachenbrochen and Uwe Ribbing. Ribbing who always was against if Knut the Strong was for, argued that a war like this could prove disastrous for the kingdoms economy and relations. To no avail. The war was about to begin...

Portrait of Mitch of Baden-Wachen, naval-advisor of the High Council. 1429.
To the left is the coat of arms with the black cross, the waves and the
surfboard in the center.


Sailing for Stralsund
It was January 1422. The High Council had just declared Bohemia war and Poland and Lithuania had joined on the czechs side. Denmark had strong support from the Union, Norway and Sweden.
The Danish military prepared for battle. An army of 16000 footsoldiers and almost 4000 knights and horsemen loaded onto a fleet outside Helsingør. Commander of the fleet onboard the flagship St. Gaiius was Mitch of Baden-Wachen. He stood at the gunwale gazing at the distant horizon. A steady breeze did its best to upset his carefully made hairdo. Beeing a surfer Mitch liked the wind, but he wondered why it allways had to mess with his hair. He felt the same way about water. Mitch often prayed to God for this to be changed. So far without any luck.
Mitch of Baden-Wachen was an excellent surfer. Because of this people took for granted (himself included) that he was an excellent sea-captain as well. He wasn't. This was his first time onboard a ship.
A first mate approached Mitch as he stood struggling with both hands to keep his hair in place.

"Sire? All groups are ready to leave on your command."

"Good. Very good."

The first mate left, only to come back 30 minutes later.

"Sire?"

"Yes?"

"Shall you not you give the order?"

There was a moment of silence. Mitch looked puzzled wondering what order the first mate was talking about. He decided to save the situation by smiling one of his annoying movie-star-smiles and say:
"Ah yes the order! Of course." He took a silly pose, with one hand to his side and the other pointing towards the horizon. "I hereby declare the order given!"

The first mate staired at the tall silly man in front of him. "the order to...?"

"to...?" Mitch repeated.

"..set sail?" the first mate continued.

"Set sail? Ah! Yes that's the one! Set sail everybody!"


Knut the Strong screws up
It was now January 28th, and the army had entered Stralsund without meeting any resistance. But the Bohemian army under Prokop Holý, leader of the new heretic form of christianity, was marching fast towards the Danish positions. Commander of the Danish army was Knut the Strong. This was his first time commanding an army and he was thrilled. At last a big war, and against heretics too. Could it get any better? He was like a child on Christmas eve, running drunk around the streets of Stralsund, singing old childrens songs about knights like Noble Noel, Harold Headchopper and Brave sir Bertram of Chesterfield.
January the 30th the armies met outside Stralsund. The Danes outnumbered Prokops forces but lacked adequate equipment. In fact only half of the archers and crossbowmens had arrows, and the horses were exhausted after the long voyage on the sea. The men were complaining and begging for better stuff, to no use.

"No arrows!? Bwaha! Throw rocks at them then." Knut the Strong had replied.

The Danish army proved no match for the Bohemians who in the initial clash mowed down 3000 Danes, spreading panic among the other soldiers. Knut the Strongs forces just barely escaped total anihilation. The campaign was a total screw-up, and Knuts loss in prestige enormous. The military Consul rapidly lost supporters in both the High Council and the Danish people.


After an embarrassing defeat against Prokop Holý in 1422, Knut the Strong and his broken men escapes back to the fleet.



Despite the initial failure Union forces (led by Sweden) soon occupied Vorpommern and besieged important fortresses throughout the province. In April 1423 Vorpommern at last fell in the hands of the Union. But the war came to a standstill. Union forces were unable to advance further south towards Bohemia and Bohemia couldn't reach the coast. Sweden pulled out from Vorpommern leaving the badly trained Danish army to alone tend to the occupation. The troops was draining the kingdom of money and the economy worsened by the day. Uwe Ribbing now saw his chance to strengthen his power. Together with Adam of Hernat-Buchenbachenbrochen he managed to convince the Council to make peace.
On May 25th 1425 a peace-treaty between the Union of Kalmar and Bohemia/Poland-Lithuania was signed. Both parties agreed to return to the borders of January 1422. The war had been a total failure to both the Union and the catholic church. But Uwe Ribbing had all reasons to be pleased.

CHAPTER 3

A shift of power
Uwe Ribbing, Consul of Diplomacy/Foreign Affairs now emerged as the leading figure of the High Council. He had the support of a strong faction, consisting of Adam of Hernat-Buchenbachelbrückel (or whatever his name was), Johannes of Nerdlingen, Anders the Swede, Fernando don Carlos el Alfonso de Panamaribo and Hans the Bischop. He even gained the support from the king.
Unlike the majority of the Consuls, Uwe Ribbing was a gifted man, well-suited for ruling a kingdom. He was a man of reason and logic, and always calculated every move he made carefully. Cruel and unfair, he knew what was necessary to consolidate power over others.
During the High Council's first 13 years of power, Uwe Ribbing had saved the kingdom from disaster several times. His main adversary, Knut the Strong was the High Councils number one throughout this period, but his reckless and aggressive nature eventually led to his downfall. Knut was now a broken man. He spent most of his time in his castle in Odense, drinking and throwing servants out of windows.

Uwe Ribbing, was an unpleasant man to be around, and people were terrified of him. The Consul didn't care. He hated people. But since he loved to hate people, he loved people since it allowed him to hate them so much. Many witnesses tells of uncanny experiences during audiences with the Consul. While his left eye seemed to be looking in every direction at once like he was watching the entire universe, he always fixated his visitor with a steady, creepy stare from his right eye. He never showed guests any courtesy, always greeting them with an insult. All of a sudden the Consul could say things like "Death by torture is a wonderfull thing is it not?", "Hanging, beheading, crucifixion...which do you want?" or "Boh!" just to scare people. A thin evil smile would then spread across the Consuls face as he watched the reactions from his petrified victims. Uwe Ribbing loved these little jokes, even though he sometimes scared people to death, literally.



The mysterious and powerfull Uwe Ribbing Consul of Diplomacy
in a portrait by Terje Langlissen from 1440.


Denmark under Uwe Ribbing
In 1429 the High Council unanimously decided to force all ships sailing through the Sound to pay dues to the Danish crown. The Sound Due resulted in both increased wealth for the crown and hostility from countries trading in the Baltic Sea. The Hansaetic Legaues control over the Baltic-trade was now seriously challenged, and Danish goods and traders were banned in many German ports.
To avoid an armed conflict Uwe Ribbing decided to adopt a Hansa-friendly policy. Ties with Holstein was strengtened through marriages and treaties and trade with cities and provinces in northern Germany slowly increased during the 1430's.
The new kingdom although well managed was also a place of fear and cruelty. Noone could feel safe. Moslems, nuns, philosophers, hairdressers, comedians, body-builders, budy-boilers, suckers, buggers, Fuggers, dogs, hippies, troublemakers and shoemakers were relentlessly persecuted. But worst of were the Danish peasants, who under Uwe Ribbing saw their rights diminish and their taxes increase.

In 1431, to the joy of everybody except Bohemia, and maybe Knut the Strong, Vorpommern once again joined with Hinterpommern. The rebellions in the province had been numerous the last years and Bohemia had not the strength nor the interest to quell uprisings anymore. The power-balance in the region was restored... or so everybody thought. In 1436 the Bohemians and the Poles were back waring with Pommern. This time they had brought some Muscovite general with them who managed to snatch Vorpommern in a peace-deal. Vorpommern was now run by Russians.

Peasants and miners in Bergslagen, Sweden finally had enough of the cruel Uwe Ribbing and his taxes and persecutions. In the summer of 1435 a rebellion led by the miner Engelbrekt sprung up in the province and the revolt soon spread to other parts of Sweden-Finland. Even the high Swedish nobility supported the revolt. But Danish troops struck with full force. By november the rebellion had been dealt with and Engelbrekt killed. However the relations between Denmark and Sweden were now very hostile.

In 1439 the Union declared war on Muscovy over a border dispute. Novgorod also joined a few months later and Danish forces quickly began besieging Vorpommern.
In december same year, Sweden chose to on behalf of the Union sign a peace-agreement with Muscovy returning to status-quo. The High Council of course became very displeased over this traitorous trick. Uwe Ribbing had had it with the stubborn Swedes and their acts of treason. He sweared to get his revenge someday, somewhere... somehow.

The story continues..
"Ehm, are you sure this is gonna work?" Mitch of Baden-Wachen wondered as he stood jumping up and down on the roof of Odense Castle, shivering with cold from the frosty winter-night.

"Bwahahaha... *hiccup*! Silly fool! Of course it will work!" Knut the Strong said. "I've read the magic spell, and dipped them in soy-sauce just as it says in these... *hiccup*... in these old scriptures written by the Holy Order of the Fluffy Bunnies!" Knut the Strong took another sip of Pfützelbachen-wine. He stood wobbling about on the castle-roof, bent over a broom, with a little scared rabbit covered in soy in one hand and a winebottle in the other. To increase his perception and concentration he drank some more wine and then started doing whatever he was going to do.

"Come on little fellow, get up on the... *hiccup*.. up on the broom now. It won't hurt you. It's just a broom. Have you ever heard of a broom killing little white bunnies?"

The rabbit skipped around for a bit, slippering and sliding on his soy-drenched feet. Even if he was scared, the words of the big drunk man made sense. He had never heard of broom that murdered little bunnies. So the rabbit jumped up on the broomstick and waited. He didn't have to wait long. As soon the rabbit sat on the broom, Knut the Strong grabbed an axe and cut the rope that was attached to the broom in one end and a spring in the other. With a "boing" a "swosch" and a "floff" the rabbit and the broom was propelled into the starry nightsky. The broom held a steady course over Odense Bay towards the small village of Munkebro. The little rabbit was amazed and thought to himself "I'm flying. I'm flying!" Seconds later broom and rabbit suffered the fate all spring-shot rabbits on brooms suffers. They crashed into the sea and were never heard from again.

"God damn it!!" Knut screamed. He was shaking with frustration and threw his bottle at Mitch who had to duck to avoid getting hit.

"Why don't you just do it yourself?" Mitch wondered.

"Fool! I can't do it myself! They would know I did it. No, my idiot friend. We have to get this to work. It's the only way."

The recent setbacks in Danish domestic and foreign politics had resulted in much hatred against the High Council. Although Uwe Ribbing could blame much of it on Knut the Strong, he chose not to. He knew that if the High Council got too divided the Council would soon be crushed by powerhungry kings and nobles. Immortality wouldn't do much good then, except prolonging pain and embarrassment.
Uwe Ribbing soon found himself another scape-goat. In a massive propaganda-campaign king Eric was blamed for the failures in Pommern, the worsened relations with Sweden, the high taxes, the rainy weather, the Black Death in the 1350's, and the humiliating 3-0 loss against Siebenbürgen in the Pigbladder-ball European Championships of 1434. After pressure from some of the Consuls, Eric was also blamed for the theft of 12 bottles of Pfützelbachen-wine, three white rabbits and a broomstick from a barkeeper in Odense.
Of course Eric couldn't remain on the throne after a scandal like this. In 1440 he left Copenhagen to live the rest of his days on Gotland. Here he became a successfull pirate, distributing illegal copies of Sting-records, and creating a local Sting-hype on the small island.

Suvorov said:

Why am I thinking of Nena and Kim Wilde now?

Great AAR!

Click to expand...

Thanks. Progress is very slow though. I'll pick up some speed eventually.

The friendship of three
Christoffer a dukeling of Bavaria was now elected king. He came from the prosperous city of München where he had a magnificent court with food and wine of the highest quality. His father Albrecht had sent him to Denmark to as he said "strenghten that sissys character". The reactions in Denmark towards the new king were mixed.

"What a silly snobby twit! Calling himself a man when dressed like fancy Nancy! Did he bring his little dolls as well?" was Olaf Olafssens response, who wasn't too happy with the new king.

Fernando don Carlos el Alfonso de Panamaribo and Johannes of Nerdlingen on the other hand, were overcome with joy. They were silly snobby twits as well, and often felt left out in a country where qualities like table manners and eye for the latest fashion were ridiculed. Now the two consuls found a new friend and soulmate in king Christoffer. The three soon did everything together. They went shopping, held banquets, played house and practised hairdressing on poor peasants. When walking in the castle at night one could often hear giggling and laughter from upstairs where Christoffer, Fernando and Johannes were gossiping and pillow-fighting at their weekly slumber parties.
The other Consuls were embarrassed but Uwe Ribbing decided to let the situation remain as it were. Overreacting could shift the balance of power in unpredictable directions. And at the moment Ribbing saw no danger with those three snobby twits.


This simple drawing is the only known reproduction of King Christoffer
(center) together with Fernando don Carlos el Alfonso de Panamaribo (left)
and Johannes of Nerdlingen (right). All other paintings are believed to
have been destroyed by the government of Uwe Ribbing. Unknown artist, 1440's


In the 1440's the whole known world for no apparent reason got very angry with Burgundy. By 1448 17 countries near and far (including the Kalmar union) had declared war on a lone and surprised Burgundy. When Philippe III of Burgundy wondered why, the waring parties of Europe responded:

"They have betrayed the Christian world by eh.. evil deeds of unchristian treason!" - Juan II of Castille and Leon

"Yeah that's right! Deeds of reason with evil christians!" - Afonso V of Portugal

"Burgundy and Philippe III le Bon is making WMDs and is a threat to world-peace. We must act now before it's to late." - Henry VI of England

"Burgundy? Where is that?" - Iance de Hunedoara of Siebenbürgen

"Burgundy? Who is that?" - Christoffer III of Denmark

Shortly after this rather embarrising official statement the king of Denmark died suddenly in a hunting accident. Rather strange since Christoffer never went hunting. Danish officials explained this with "So?" and "Look! A threeheaded monkey!". Johannes of Nerdlingen and Fernando don Carlos el Alfonso de Panamaribo were of course devestated. They had lost their close friend and soulmate, assasinated by the despicable Uwe Ribbing. With king Christoffer dead, they also lost hope of laws securing special privileges for hairdressers, fashion-designers and pillow-makers. From now on they would counteract the politics of Uwe Ribbing.

In 1448, a german prince called Christian of Oldenburg was crowned king of Denmark-Norway and Sweden. His name became Christian I. Sweden who with the death of king Christoffer saw a chance of leaving the Union had elected Knut Knutsson as their king. Naturally this was like begging for a war with Denmark. The rising conflict also led to the First Great Long Nordic War, a war that was to forever seal the fate of the Kalmar Union.
In march 1455, a danish herald called Harold the Herald arrived at the Swedish castle Tre Kronor. King Knut received him and the herald Harold the Herald delivered his message:

"Dear Knut.
You are a filthy Swedish pig. When you read this my forces are marching towards this pigsty you call Tre Kronor. By the power invested in me as king over Denmark, Norway and Sweden I have ordered the killing of all filthy Swedish pigs over the age of 35. That of course includes you.
However you still have two options to survive:
1. You can stop being a filthy Swedish pig and leave the throne or
2. You can file an official complaint and send it to:

King Christian I, Royal Castle,
23 Royalcastlestreet,
RC52 Copenhagen DENMARK.

When filing this complaint please use form 1445-CC009 to make sure your complaint gets treated correctly. For instructions on how to fill in the form please read appendix B, section 3.2 in the brochure: '1000 reasons why not to send complaints to the king of Denmark-Norway-Sweden'. Both the brochure and the form can be collected for free at your local post-office.

Sincerely yours, King Christian I"

Since Knut was quite happy beeing a filthy Swedish pig he chose option 2. To no use of course. The mother of all future Nordic wars was about to begin...