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Glorious Me: A Documentary Written, Directed, and Produced by the King

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Khan of the Crimea
Oct 21, 2002
2.038
13
bgreinhart.wordpress.com
This AAR was totally unintended. I mean, I only decided to write it a few minutes ago. Basically I'm playing as Zulu with furious AI in a vanilla Grand Campaign. The plot is this: I declare war on Xhosa, annex them, declare war on Zimbabwe, lose, rinse, repeat, and so on, until Zimbabwe really hates my guts, and I have negative victory points. At that point I do a total reversal and begin a military alliance with them, and then vassalize and annex them. (EDIT: See below. As it turns out, the road to diploannexation was very, very bumpy!)

Meanwhile, I colonize the rest of South Africa to my heart's delight.

(This was so boring the first few years I played the rest at Super Sonic Speed Mode. Thus I began the game 3 hours ago, and am already at 1560!)

P.S. Just so you know, I used "columbus" and "montezuma", and played on "no fog of war" mode. Otherwise...well...it's difficult. I used montezuma because I had no money, and columbus because the game was originally going to be Totally Hands-Off. This is why I took a lot of screenies of Europe, but none of Africa. :)

I did not cheat to get any of my settlers, though.

:)
 
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Episode I

ANNOUNCER: Thank you for tuning in to "The History of the Zulu" on SwahiliChannel Net! Brought to you in part by the good King of Swahilaland*, whom we know you love.

Tonight is the first episode of "The History of the Zulu", produced and directed by our beatiful King.

*exciting music and intro movie*

NARRATOR: Before 1419 the South of Africa existed in a mist. We do not know much about it. However, in 1419 ancestors of our lovely King blew the mist away, and saw three nations: Zulu, Xhosa, and Zimbabwe. Being wise as they were, they chose the Zulu tribe to lead to eternal glory.

In 1421, news of their arrival was met with an outbreak of plague. This does not reflect badly on our good King in any way. It has been attributed to his 14th GrandKing's elephant, who had diarrhea at the time.

*cut to soldiers charging with lots of war paint*

On October 28, 1429, the wise First King** saw it necessary to expand his glorious realm, and stomped on Xhosa. His troops immediately persuaded Xhosa that annexation into our glorious Realm was the only option. On May 12, 1432, the wise King also declared war on the men (if they can be called that) of Zimbabwe. But alas! the Devil himself rode with the enemy, and crushed our Lands. Fortunately we bought the Devil off, and Zimbabwe went home.

*cut to a chest filled with gold coins. More coins are pouring in*

Over the next few years several benevolent souls saw the Light and contributed to our King's coffers, to make up for the Devil's Ransom.

We will be back in a few minutes. Praise to the King for his glorious documentary.

*advertisements begin*

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*OOC: Fictional. But it may, or may not, be based on a real country. ;)
**Believe it or not, during the game not one of those little boxes came up saying the monarch has died and a new one will rule the country. And it wasn't in the History log either. So I don't know when they switched...
 
*advertisements conclude with a picture of the King grinning*

NARRATOR: On May 27, 1442, the heathens of Zimbabwe declared war upon us. Once again the Devil rode with them, and they captured our beautiful blesed capital Natal with ease.* After this the Devil himself defeated our forces in Transkei, and we were forced once again to buy off the enemy (with more money than last time).

Three years later an heir was born, and he was good. The people celebrated.

After this our wise and benevolent King wisely foresaw the need for colonies to establish even further still the supremacy of the already glorious nation of Zulu, and thus began his colonial campaigns. Colonists were sent to the lands of Ciskei and Karroo, and they met with success**.

The year was then 1458. The King built his army and prepared for revenge on the Zimbabweans.

Tune in next week*** for the penultimate war of all!

*the King's smiling face fills the screen*

---
*I hope Robert Mugabe's lawyer doesn't browse this forum. :D
**Keep in mind this is a propaganda video :D Actually, they did work, surprisingly.
***Well, actually, tomorrow
 
Re: War, Peace, and Colonization in the South of Africa (a very short tale)

Originally posted by Hajji Giray I
This AAR was totally unintended.
Click to expand...
In another way, too: When I wrote the first post I had no idea what the style of the story would be! It was only when I clicked Reply that the inspiration came...if you can call it that. :D

That's why the title of the thread is so incompatible with the story itself. Perhaps a kindly mod could change it to The Zulu King?
 
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Originally posted by Hajji Giray I
I hope Robert Mugabe's lawyer doesn't browse this forum. :D
Click to expand...

Well, as my mother told me many times, in any case of libel or slander, the truth is the ultimate defense.:)

How much territory can the Zulus see at the start? Without "Columbus" that is.

I'm curious how far you can take the Zulus.
 
Episode II

ANNOUNCER: Thank you for tuning in to "The History of the Zulu" on SwahiliChannel Net! Brought to you in part by the good King of Swahilaland, whom we know you love.

Tonight is the first episode of "The History of the Zulu", produced and directed by our beautiful King.

*intro movie and titles; cut to guys with war paint running around spearing each other*

NARRATOR: On that Holy day November 14, 1458, our Glorious Nation declared war on the filthy scum that is the Zimbabwean foe. We won battles, carrying the fight into the heart of the enemy's heartland! However,

*cut to a picture of the King smiling, with caption THE KING IS GREAT*

ANNOUNCER: This portion edited for national security purposes*

*cut to colonial town*

NARRATOR: After the war, the wise and ever benevolent King continued making his beautiful colonies. We established a trading post in the lands of the Bushman, and in the place known as Table. Following this the King's brilliant policies ushered in a Most Enlightened Agricultural Revolution, which is a very good reason to trust your wise ruler. We are still to this day farther advanced than other nations, which retain their spades with delight!**

In 1476, a very evil man conspired to plot against the King. He was the Devil in flesh form. (cut to a picture of Swahilaland's leading opposition politician getting out of a helicopter) He made foolish schemes and a scandal erupted. (still shot of the opposition leader with horns drawn on his head)

In 1485 the Devil (picture still showing the opposition figure) infested the good King's brain, making him insane temporarily. He then declared war on the Zimbabwe.***

*advertisements*

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*As in, I lost the war and coughed up 275 ducats. :D
**Sometimes my characters make myself sick.
***It wasn't planned that way!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
jwolf- Thanks for commenting! :) Actually, I end up becoming THE power of southern Africa...but more after the adverts. And, I didn't really have time to notice how much I could see before typing Columbus. :D :D It was, after all, originally meant to be a hands-off, watch-the-computer game. (I'll check if you like)
 
This looks fun :D

We you playing EEP? I don't remember an Agricultural Revolution event in vanilla GC.
 
*advertisements conclude with a picture of the smiling King*

CAPTION: The King is watching you.

*the eyes follow you around the room, if you try it. Cut to a picture of a bow and arrow*

NARRATOR: Over seven months after war was declared, the first battle was fought. The Devil rode with the evil foe, and we retreated. However, we soon won battle after battle, driving the scum from our lands. We then rode into theirs, and humbled them. Unfortunately rebel filth attacked, but we warded them off.

*cut to picture of Henry the Navigator*

A month after we took peace and grabbed land from the foe*, a strange land called Portugal declared war upon us. They invaded, but we easily** humbled them and burned their trading colonies in Africa. Peace was settled easily.

In 1501 our most glorious and benevolent King claimed new land for the People to live upon. This was a wonderful act. It shows the King loves you. Furthermore, he oversaw still another agricultural Revolution. He jailed two evil philosophers who opposed him and also thought that the Earth was a rectangular dodecahedronal tesseract. Therefore it may be assumed they were insane in the utmost degree.

A new commander styling himself "conquistador"*** led us into the last war with Zimbabwe. The war began in 1513 and ended five years later. During that time the evil Portuguese declared war once more. Our great Conquistador led his troops over to the lands of Kongo to burn Portuguese traders. He died in the campaign.

*the national flag is shown and funeral music is played*

After this final war with Zimbabwe came a great change in our nation's history. So great it was quite simply a total revolution of policy and friendship. Tune in next week for the pivotal episode of "The History of the Zulu" on SwahiliChannel Net!

---
*I got Nembire, which of course is totally isolated from the rest of my kingdom. :D
**Read: very luckily
***Stats: 3/2/2
 
Why does it seem that the more I read of this, the more the King seems like Big Brother.

This is definately a fun read.
 
Episode III

ANNOUNCER: Thank you for tuning in to "The History of the Zulu" on SwahiliChannel Net! Brought to you in part by the good King of Swahilaland, whom we know you love.

Tonight is the third episode of "The History of the Zulu", produced and directed by our beautiful King.

*intro movie and titles; cut to an enormous mansion*

NARRATOR: While our heroic Conquistador gave his life for his country in the Kongo, diplomats of our nation embarked on a goodwill campaign towards the Zimbabwe. "If you can't beat them, diploannex them," said our wise and excessively benevolent King. Within four years relations were peachy, a boundary dispute was settled, and an alliance proposed. Alas, turned down by the ignorant scum.

However, in 1523, just a few years after the war, Zimbabwe entered our alliance and joined our fight against the infidel enemy Portugal. This goes to show you that nations like ours are simply magnets for friends.

*cut to treasure chest being opened*

The excessively good government policies of our Wise and Benevolent Ruler created an excess of wealth and reduction of "inflation", which is the work of (cut to a picture of Swahilaland's leading opposition politician) the Devil himself. After, in 1531, Portugal saw the Light and accepted peace with us, we continued on our holy Colonial Crusade in the south of Africa, colonizing Table and Namaqua.

*cut to a certain hate group burning a cross at night-time*

In 1540 Jean Calvin happened. He was a lunatic European who believed in only one god, who was definitely not our King. Therefore he is not worth discussing.

It was the year 1560. We were now enshrined in a great Alliance with our eternal friends* in Zimbabwe (who consistently offered us be vassalized by them, but our Destiny prevents such). What will come out of the fog that is the future? Only time, and next week's episode, will tell...

Praise to the King for his glorious documentary.

---
*the hypocrite! :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At this point I have reached in writing the point I have reached in playing. So the AAR's speed will slow a bit now, as I go back to playing the game. :)

merrick- Yes, there is an Agricultural Revolution event in the regular GC. According to my cheat-code print-out, it's event #1021. (I did NOT cheat to get it, though :D.)

M and M- If I had left out the part about the eyes, it would seem like a diabolical cross between Robert Mugabe and Silvio Berlusconi. But now it's Big Brother...

Small difference :D :D

Thanks all for the commentary! I enjoy hearing from you :)
 
In 1540 Jean Calvin happened. He was a lunatic European who believed in only one god, who was definitely not our King. Therefore he is not worth discussing.
Click to expand...

That was hysterical...I love that! Great stuff so far...Keep up the good work!
 
I live in Durban (That would be Natal) and decided against a South African AAR because It would get silly, it is good to see somebody pulling it off.

Here's some helpful hints:

At no point did the zulu use the wheel.
Their spear was named after the sound it made when pulled out somebodies stomach.
Shaka is zulu for stomach bug.

Coming Soon: Reich 1.5 A Bavarian AAR
 
I want more!!! Mooooore! :D
Great AAR, very funny, your style is really refreshing from most of the other (in my opinion boring) narrations. The narrator's comments are great.

I played as Xhosa once and managed to take south and east of Africa, but after reaching the Mameluks I started losing and losing and losing, so I got frustrated and quit. Hope you'll have more luck! :)

Btw. you should PM a mod if you want the title changed
 
...oh!

I came thinking, hey, I have time, why don't I write an update-- and then realized that I haven't played past 1560 so I can't update. :D I feel absent-minded...

But I'll answer your comments/questions/suggestions etc.

Amric- Doesn't it sound like al-Jazeera? I think soon I will write an AAR called al-Dhjazaira or something, playing as Algiers and reporting on my game through a kill-the-Christian-heathen perspective. Another idea would be Ottoman Idol, a show where--

But I don't want anybody stealing my ideas, so I'm stopping now. :)

Rufinus- You make it sound like this story isn't getting silly! :D Good to see somebody from South Africa has read this, and isn't offended... but are you really being serious about the Zulus' most famous leader being named Stomach Bug? That is the weirdest thing I've heard in a long time!

By the way, nice start to your new AAR. Good luck and may many readers enjoy it! :)

juszuf- Thanks :) I created this totally on a whim, which is why it doesn't sound predesigned but instead totally "off the wall". Thanks again everybody for the comments and encouragement!

P.S. Maybe I will send a PM...the title is long and clumsy as is...
 
Nice work!

This is actually quite cute, and I look forward to seeing how it finishes up.

Some of the best AARs are written without an ending in advance and just kind of get led in whatever direction moves the author.

Good luck with it!
 
Don't mean to spoil it for you, but I am currently playing the game past 1562, and BOY is it a freak show! Just DAYS after my alliance with Zimbabwe expired, they declared war on me, and just MONTHS after the war ended in terrific success, we were in alliance again! EDIT: Not only that, but they were able to declare war on me, even though I had military access through them, and now after the way I still have military access!

Update coming soon...
 
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