Paradox Interactive Forums  

Go Back   Paradox Interactive Forums > Fun Forums > AARs and Fanfiction - General Discussions > EU3 - After Action Reports (AAR) > EU2 - After Action Reports (AAR)

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 01-02-2003, 17:37   #1
Peter Ebbesen
the Conqueror
 
Peter Ebbesen's Avatar
Hoi2 Beta MemberEU3 Collectors Edition OwnerNapoleonic MarshalEuropa Universalis: RomeEuropa Universalis III: In Nomine
Rome: Vae VictisMajesty 2
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Beyond the infinite
Posts: 12,607
Persian Tales

Persian Tales

The Rules
  • The nation of choice is Ak Koyunlu
  • EU2 1.05, AGC 2.3, Very Hard/Coward, with v0.9 of the Far Eastern Manpower mod (AGC2.3 default is v0.8)
  • Recruiting of troops in peacetime is only allowed up to the supportable limit. After war armies will be demobilized to the support limit.
  • Never enter BB wars
  • No declarations of war without CB
  • Attempt to become centralized
  • Eschew many of my usual dp settings.
The Goals
  • Become Persia
  • Tell a few tales

Well met, traveller!

It is a merry day indeed, is it not? A day for comradely travel through the mountains, I would have to say. You look like a lively bunch, you and your noble scruffy-looking entourage. Let me venture a guess as to your profession. Lacking soldiers of the King of Kings I see that you are no high official. While a dispossessed noble is always an outside possibility, and the haughteur you possess might seem to substantiate that claim, it is probably not the case. A merchant, perhaps? Slightly down on his luck in that case, I am afraid, given your unfortunate, if I may say so, lacking in the wagon department. However, due to your splendid, though scruffy, martial demeanor I guess you could be a dealer in high-quality low-encumbrance no-questions-asked goods, in which case I applaud your desire to travel in my company being, as I am, a first rate duellist, a dead shot, the world's third-greatest lover, and a teller of tall tales. Here is my business card.

A bandit, you say? No, surely not. Apart from a few misunderstandings in my past, I am as innocent as the next man. Such as that troll of a fellow, who is approaching my pack mule with a most unsavoury glint in his eye. I say! That is most uncivil! Would you please reign in your errant guard?

Ah, I see. You are bandits? Well, semantics were ever my bane. Nevertheless, let me assure you that I currently possess nothing of easily disposable value, being, unfortunately, between engagements. I am, in fact, making my way to the court of the King of Kings, where I expect to earn vast wealth urgently needed to repay a minor debt I owe due to the disastrous collapse of a small informal ecumenical venture in Samarkand.

My life? Yes, indeed I value my life highly, and I daresay I could easily dispose of you and your ragtag band of outlaws should it so strike my fancy. However, as I am feeling generous, I will let you escape with your lives.

Now why did you go and shoot my horse? She was a gentle mare and has served me well for many years. This is hardly a fitting ending. Now, I have tried treating you nicely, but you are really straining my patience. You, sir, are no gentleman! Nevertheless, being magnanimous, I will forgive you should you make good my loss.

You reject compensation? Ha! I laugh in your face! See how I masterfully shoot your third goon from the left with a single shot of my trusty pistol. Am I not an excellent shot?

Really, that is uncalled for. My horse was worth much than that unwashed lout. I would have to shoot at least two more goons, like so, and so, for us to be quits.

Now, now. No reason to get nasty. You have still got seven scruffy fellows left, which is surely enough to enable you to prey on unwary travellers. Your greed is most unbecoming, and it reminds me of the tale of the man who loved gold.

Ah, a breakthrough! You love gold as well? Fancy that. Now, as it seems that night is upon us, let us make a camp fire by yonder cliff and gather round for an evening repast. I presume you have some chunks of meat, a few vegetables, some spices, and a bottle of Chablis Chardonnay that you are willing to share?

No? You are low on spirits? No wonder you look so scruffy! I will have to make do with this Avignon, then. Now, lay down your weapons and gather round the fire, for without any further ado, let me tell you...



The tale of the man who loved gold (1419-1435)

Hear my tale!

Once upon a time, in the small principality of Ak Koyunlu, lived a man who loved gold. His name was Qara Yülük `Uthman, and he ruled his principality with an firm hand. A devout believer, he nevertheless tolerated the Christians in Armenia and made alliance with the Greeks of Trebizond, preferring to win friends by the word rather than by the sword. In all the world none loved gold as well as he, neither faithful nor infidel.

Now, it came to pass that he grew to an exceedingly advanced age, but that alone does not guarantee the favour of the highest (insh'Allah!), and looking back on his life, he saw in the wisdom of old age, that while some of his deeds had indeed been to the glory of Allah and his Prophet, more bore the indelicate stamp of personal greed (and Allah is all-knowing!)

Thus he laboured for many days with the question on how to improve his standing with Allah without expense, and he stopped eating and sleeping, and his complexion turned pale, and his hair fell out, but little did it avail him, and his realm suffered for his devastation. At long last he put the problem to his faithful wazir, and told him that he would be beheaded, should he not find a solution within the fortnight.

The wazir was an honest and pious man, who had served faithfully for two decades, but now he saw his doom approach, for knowing as he did intimately the character of his glorious ruler, what was asked was impossible for any man to achieve. Nevertheless he struggled with the problem for nigh unto a week, consulting wise men and fools, growing ever more despondent. One night, the wazir having sought solace from his chief wife, a modest and chaste woman, she asked him what was the cause of these woes. Perhaps one of the lesser wives needed to be disciplined?

As all men knows, strife between the wives should always be dealt with firmly by the husband, lest it damage the tranquility of the family, even should he only have a week left on life. Thus the wazir told his wife of the matter on hand and she consoled him, saying that she had a plan, would he but wait a bit.

Thus the wazir waited a day, and he waited another day, and he grew nervous, for the prince was often seen sharpening his sword and consulting the calendar, yet still his chief wife consoled him at night, telling him to wait a bit: Her plan was almost done and the prince would be satisfied.

And thus the days passed, and finally, on the last night, he begged her to reveal the plan. "Not so soon, my husband", was her reply, "all will be clear on the morrow". And in the morning she accompanied her husband the wazir to the prince, and the prince asked the wazir about the plan. Pleading, he looked towards his wife of a decade, saying, "she knows my plan". And the prince was sore puzzled, but asked her nevertheless what the wazir's plan was. "He has no plan", she said demurely, and straightforward the prince struck the wazir's head from the shoulders with one mighty swing of his trusted sword. "But I have one, oh prince of men and master of women", she said.

And thus it came to pass that the armies of Ak Koyunlu were sent forth against the neighbouring realm of Qara Koyunlu, for "it were rightfully ours", said the prince's new chief wife, and having punished them most severely, the armies of the faithful raided the lands under the Mameluke dynasty, raising the fearsome banner on the Mediterranean. And thus it came to pass that tax collectors were appointed throughout the land, for "only taxes can be counted in the long run". And thus it came to pass that the heirs of Timur Lenkh were devastated by the whirlwind. And throughout the remaining years of his life, and the prince lived to enjoy his new wife for one and a half decade, praise be to Allah the beneficient, he listened carefully to the words of his chief wife, who had exchanged the head of the wazir for the head of the prince, so to speak. And the prince grew rich in the service of the highest.


Mind well the poet's words:

"Rely not on women,
Trust not to their hearts,
Whose joys and whose sorrows
Are hung to their parts!
Lying love they will swear thee
Whence guile ne'er departs.
Take Yusuf for sample,
'Ware sleights and 'ware smarts!
Iblis ousted Adam
(See ye not?) thro' their arts."



Indeed, the moral of the story is clear, is it not? Greed does pay. Yes, yes, I am aware that your men would prefer a few more details on the divine female attributes of the wazir's wife, common louts that they are. In fact, that reminds me of a story...

But I grow tired. Let us rest until the morrow, and I will gladly tell you the story of "The woman who had a thousand men".



The Facts

Ak Koyunlu, 1435


Code:
Domestic Policy     1419      1435
Aristocracy           9         9
Centralization        0         0
Innovativeness        2         2
Mercantilism          8         8
Offensive             6         9+3
Land                  6         6
Quality               2         3+1
Serfdom              10        10

Economy             1419      1435
Monthly income        6d       26d
Census taxes         11d       81d
Inflation             0%        8%
Badboy                0        12

Tech                1419      1435
Land                  1         1
Naval                 0         1
Trade                 0         1
Infrastructure        0         1

Military            1419      1435
Army support limit   11K       23K
Navy support limit   --        11      

Memorable Events
1420  Plague in Kurdistan
1422  Unhappy Peasants revolt
1424  Birth of an Heir to the Crown!
1428  Qara Yülük `Uthman suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
1429  Plague in Armenia
1433  A foreign drill instructor is hired, causing a state loan

Wars       Opponents       Outcome
1420-1421, Qara Koyulu     Gained Azerbaijan, Kirkuk, Iraq, 100d
    -1424, Mamelukes       Gained Alexandria, Delta, 100d

1427-1429, Kaliphate       Gained 349d
    -1430, Timurids        Gained Awahz, Isfahan, Fars, Hormouz*

1434-1434, All neighbours  The prince had to pay a lot of gold**

* This was a very hard war. The fighting went back and forth in Iraq, Hamadan, Awazh, Tabaristan and Isfahan for two years before the main Timurid armies were broken. Due to their greatly increased manpower in the Far Eastern Manpower Mod, the Timurids were much more formidable than usual and kept reinforcing their armies and retaking their undefended provinces from occupation.

** Ouch. Suffered a major rebellion in Iraq (33K rebels - 1.5 times my entire army size). However, half of the army was in Alexandria, the other half in Persia. Since Hamadan still belonged to the Timurids, there was no road connection between these three disparate parts of Ak Koyunlu. Lacking military access, in order to prevent Iraq from seceding, I had to disband the Persian army and raise a new one in Azerbaijan, as I had to stay under the small 21K support limit in peacetime. With just a tiny bit of forethought I would have realised the reactions of the neighbouring nations once Ak Koyunlu only had 10K troops left, even if only for a minute or two. They invaded. The Alexandrine army was crushed within weeks, and troops were quickly raised in the hinterlands even as several parts of the principality came under attack. However, desperate counterattacks turned the tide just enough that the invaders were willing to settle for money. Still, those were some very, very tense months in 1434.

...To be continued...
__________________
When I said: "Death Before Dishonour!", I meant it alphabetically.

-----

For new denizens of the forum: To post here you have already agreed to follow the user agreement and the general rules (pay specific attention to rules 2, 3, and 6 if writing while your temper is heated). Furthermore, there may be special rules for specific forums. These can usually be found in sticky posts at the top of a forum. Read the stickies and obey the rules and, overall, it is a much nicer forum for all of us. Disobey the rules and be moderated, warned, put on probation, or banned.

Last edited by Peter Ebbesen; 01-02-2003 at 19:53.
Peter Ebbesen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2003, 18:18   #2
Lofman
Safe One
 
Lofman's Avatar
Europa Universalis: RomeEU3 CompleteRome Gold
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Spathiwa
Posts: 1,116
I will TRY to follow this one, since it will probably be as good as your other AARs are. (Haven't read the first post yet but I will)
__________________
Some AARs I have written are for EU2 Who let the dogs out? an AAR with the Nogai, The Great Rulers of Lu Chuan and their Deeds and Run run it's the Juan-Juan a 476 AAR. For EU:Rome I have written The Ilergetan Republic and has just finished with the writing of The Great Pharaohs.

Other things:
476 Scenario
476 Scenario for EU3
A Little Rome mod
Lofman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2003, 18:24   #3
J. Passepartout
Shah Space Invader
 
J. Passepartout's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Posts: 4,208
Muahahah, another Peter Ebbesen AAR. We must read, read read. *Drool*
J. Passepartout is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2003, 19:36   #4
Valdemar
Not working
Hoi2 Beta Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Copenhagen, plotting my revenge
Posts: 4,967
Looking forward to reading this, Peter.

I'm getting in on the ground floor of this one, so hopefully I'll be able to follow it without having to catch up

V
__________________
Once Upon A Time.... The Slow AAR - on Hiatus ---- *First Resistance* The HoI AAR - progressing slowly - updated in february 10!

Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes

"And by the way, maintenance should be adjusted now that siege is gone..."
Valdemar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2003, 20:02   #5
Arilou
Irken Tallest
 
Arilou's Avatar
EU3 OwnerNapoleonic MarshalDeus Vult!Europa Universalis: RomeHearts of Iron 2: Armageddon
Victoria: RevolutionsEuropa Universalis III: In NomineHearts of Iron IIIFor The GloryHeir to the Throne
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Quasispace
Posts: 5,430
Have fun! The Ak-Koynlou/Persia is a blast to play, really fun. (as you can witness from my own AAR) I'll be keeping my eyes on this one.
__________________
"That's not a law, just a sword, happens I've got one too."
-Yoren, A Song of Ice and Fire

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed."
-Dwight D. Eisenhower
Arilou is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2003, 20:13   #6
Peter Ebbesen
the Conqueror
 
Peter Ebbesen's Avatar
Hoi2 Beta MemberEU3 Collectors Edition OwnerNapoleonic MarshalEuropa Universalis: RomeEuropa Universalis III: In Nomine
Rome: Vae VictisMajesty 2
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Beyond the infinite
Posts: 12,607
Quote:
Originally posted by Arilou
Have fun! The Ak-Koynlou/Persia is a blast to play, really fun. (as you can witness from my own AAR) I'll be keeping my eyes on this one.
Yes, I read your sheepish tale This will be a somewhat different experience, I believe, since I use the AGC and not the EEP And I'll be facing rather larger armies than you did because of the Far Eastern Manpower Mod.
__________________
When I said: "Death Before Dishonour!", I meant it alphabetically.

-----

For new denizens of the forum: To post here you have already agreed to follow the user agreement and the general rules (pay specific attention to rules 2, 3, and 6 if writing while your temper is heated). Furthermore, there may be special rules for specific forums. These can usually be found in sticky posts at the top of a forum. Read the stickies and obey the rules and, overall, it is a much nicer forum for all of us. Disobey the rules and be moderated, warned, put on probation, or banned.
Peter Ebbesen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2003, 20:58   #7
PriestOfDiscord
Weapon of Mass Distraction
 
PriestOfDiscord's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Stalinist Alabama
Posts: 1,331
I can't wait to read this massacr...AAR. Always the rather violent expierence I need to cheer me right up.
__________________
Sig space for rent.
PriestOfDiscord is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2003, 21:19   #8
Lord Durham
yAARn SpinAAR
Moderator
 
Lord Durham's Avatar
Hoi2 Beta MemberEU3 OwnerNapoleonic MarshalDeus Vult!Europa Universalis: Rome
Europa Universalis III: In Nomine
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Mississauga, Eh!
Posts: 6,338
Re: Persian Tales

Quote:
Originally posted by Peter Ebbesen

The Goals
  • Become Persia
  • Tell a few tales

This will be no relation to 1001 Nights, will it? Good luck.
__________________
Like graphic novels? Read the on-going adaptation of my short story The Marsh God. For more adventures of Dalacroy read Night of the Meld, The Marsh God and Homecoming. The last 2 were winners of Best Short SF&F Story for 2005 & 2006; Preditors & Editors Readers Poll. Visit my Website for story excerpts.

Now available: Valley of Bones, in the anthology Return of the Sword. Valley of Bones finished 7th in the 2008 P&E Best Short SF&F Story category.

Coming soon: Yaggoth-Voor in the anthology Rage of the Behemoth

Visit The official site of Conan author Robert E. Howard and drop by the Community Forums.
For a complete list of my AARs go to The Ink Well
Lord Durham is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-02-2003, 21:43   #9
Arilou
Irken Tallest
 
Arilou's Avatar
EU3 OwnerNapoleonic MarshalDeus Vult!Europa Universalis: RomeHearts of Iron 2: Armageddon
Victoria: RevolutionsEuropa Universalis III: In NomineHearts of Iron IIIFor The GloryHeir to the Throne
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Quasispace
Posts: 5,430
Quote:
Originally posted by Peter Ebbesen
Yes, I read your sheepish tale This will be a somewhat different experience, I believe, since I use the AGC and not the EEP And I'll be facing rather larger armies than you did because of the Far Eastern Manpower Mod.
I'm not exactly clear on the differences... and anyway, i never got past Delhi's immortal supermonarch anyway
__________________
"That's not a law, just a sword, happens I've got one too."
-Yoren, A Song of Ice and Fire

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed."
-Dwight D. Eisenhower
Arilou is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2003, 04:51   #10
Mad King James
Modding Anti-Christ
 
Mad King James's Avatar
EU3 Owner
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Vancouver BC Canada
Posts: 6,623
I suppose you'll take out the Ottomans once they get that CoT going eh?
__________________
No good deed goes unpunished.
Mad King James is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2003, 08:19   #11
Syt
Lewwer duad üs slaav!
 
Syt's Avatar
Victoria Revolutions BetaEU3 Collectors Edition OwnerNapoleonic MarshalDeus Vult!Finder of the Lost Empire
Europa Universalis: RomeVictoria: RevolutionsEuropa Universalis III: In NomineHeir to the Throne
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Vienna, Austria.
Posts: 6,550
Quote:
Originally posted by Mad King James
I suppose you'll take out the Ottomans once they get that CoT going eh?
And in the meantime kill off the Mameluks to have a basis for both North Africa/Spain and Africa to be conquered.
__________________
Many people think of changing the world, but few think of changing themselves.

Leo Tolstoy
Syt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2003, 11:54   #12
Norgesvenn
LurkAAR
 
Norgesvenn's Avatar
EU3 OwnerNapoleonic MarshalDeus Vult!Victoria: RevolutionsEuropa Universalis III: In Nomine
Hearts of Iron III
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Middle of nowhere, Norway
Posts: 3,460
Now Yülük 'Uthman sounds like a fun man.

What can I say? Of course I'll read.
__________________
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.

- John Kenneth Galbraith
Norgesvenn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2003, 14:41   #13
tuna
ho Mixobarbaros
 
tuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Princeton, NJ
Posts: 1,730
Having recently played a GC as Ak Koyunlus, I´ll follow this one and try to compare
__________________

-= EU2 & CK Betazoid =-
tuna is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2003, 15:56   #14
Peter Ebbesen
the Conqueror
 
Peter Ebbesen's Avatar
Hoi2 Beta MemberEU3 Collectors Edition OwnerNapoleonic MarshalEuropa Universalis: RomeEuropa Universalis III: In Nomine
Rome: Vae VictisMajesty 2
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Beyond the infinite
Posts: 12,607
  • Lofman - Posting without reading? Most unusual
  • J. Passeportout - Stop drooling in my AAR. It might end up in the server and short-circuit it!
  • Valdemar - No worries. It isn't exactly as if I am noted for my rapid posting of AAR updates
  • PriestOfDiscord - Repeat after me: 35BB limit. 35BB limit
  • Lord Durham - Alas, no. I lack the skills necessary for such writing, but will do my best, and happily rip off verses from the Burton translation now and then
  • Arilou - I don't know the differences between the EEP and AGC Ak Koyunlu/Persia either, except for one obvious one. The manpower changes I made in the Asian Manpower Mod. As will become clear, that (combined with MKJs AI files) means that the AI Asian nations don't behave quite as we usually expect them to in war. Hmm. that reminds me that I should submit v0.9 soon
  • MKJ, Sytass - Repeat after me: 35BB limit. 35BB limit
  • Norgesvenn - thanks
  • tuna - good for you. I always wanted to play a good Persia game, but found them much too easy conquest wise. Then with the AGC 2.3 mostly stable, I hit upon this idea. A quiet peaceful* Ak Koyunlu->Persia game
* relatively to the approach to EU2 with which I am commonly credited, that is


EDIT: If you want to try it out, download the mod from my .sig
__________________
When I said: "Death Before Dishonour!", I meant it alphabetically.

-----

For new denizens of the forum: To post here you have already agreed to follow the user agreement and the general rules (pay specific attention to rules 2, 3, and 6 if writing while your temper is heated). Furthermore, there may be special rules for specific forums. These can usually be found in sticky posts at the top of a forum. Read the stickies and obey the rules and, overall, it is a much nicer forum for all of us. Disobey the rules and be moderated, warned, put on probation, or banned.

Last edited by Peter Ebbesen; 19-03-2003 at 12:43.
Peter Ebbesen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2003, 16:14   #15
J. Passepartout
Shah Space Invader
 
J. Passepartout's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Posts: 4,208
Quote:
J. Passeportout - Stop drooling in my AAR. It might end up in the server and short-circuit it!
Don't worry- My salivary gland only produces nonconducting drool.

I'm getting an idea... never mind. I'm probably not starting a new AAR for a while.
J. Passepartout is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2003, 01:39   #16
Peter Ebbesen
the Conqueror
 
Peter Ebbesen's Avatar
Hoi2 Beta MemberEU3 Collectors Edition OwnerNapoleonic MarshalEuropa Universalis: RomeEuropa Universalis III: In Nomine
Rome: Vae VictisMajesty 2
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Beyond the infinite
Posts: 12,607
Post

Persian Tales, Chapter 2

Good morning, and it is a good morning, is it not? The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and the mountains rejoice at my presence.

Oh? You lost a man during the night? Well, that happens. He probably fell over a cliff sleepwalking or was eaten by something nastier than he was. There are Ifrits in these mountains, after all. Happens all the time.

Why do you all draw your weapons? Ah, the Ifrits? Well, no reason to fear them. Either they tear you limb from limb, ripping up your body, and scattering your entrails all over the place, or they leave you alone, so no reason to dread what cannot be avoided.

Well, I have had my dealings with them in the past and survived, after all, so I know what I am talking about. A most harrowing tale indeed, which left me with some lasting scars and a fortune in gold, which, unfortunately, was spent less wisely than would be considered optimal. But I was younger in those days.

Appearances can be deceptive. I am older than I look. Now, should we get on with our little expedition? I am anxious to get to Isfahan, and you are anxious to find easy prey. Let us straightforward continue on the mountain trails, and I predict you will encounter a caravan soon, ripe for the plucking. Meanwhile, to cheer you up, let me tell you...


The tale of the woman who had a thousand men (1435-1487)

Hear my tale!

At one time there lived a virtuous maiden by the name of Lemonade in the great city of Isfahan. The daughter of a wealthy merchant, she was emdowed with a figure to make men praise Allah the beneficient and, carrying furthermore the unspoken promise of a large dowry, she was probably the most courted woman in the city. But though the mere glimpse of her figure was enough to make tough men faint and women's thoughts turn to murder, her voice was fairer still. Even the dogs stopped fighting and the cats looked on her adoringly when she spoke, and it was considered unhealthy for agéd men to hear her, as it occasionally caused cardiac arrest. As she approached her seventeenth birthday, one would have expected her to marry (for such is the lot of women), but she remained unwed. Her father was a most jealous man, who set great store in his daughter, and he turned away all suitors: None were worthy of Lemonade. Either they were too old, or too poor, or both.

Indeed, her beauty and appearance was such as to rival that of the houris, her breasts were firm as melons, her eyes dark, her lips perfect, and her hips were wide and her waist slim. Let us not forget the words of the scholar Al-Suyuti, who caught a glimpse of Lemonade many decades hence, when she had aged like the finest of wines and he was young and visiting the court of the Sultan, and subsequently wrote longingly: "Each time we sleep with a houri we find her virgin. Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal; the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint. Each chosen one will marry seventy houris, besides the women he married on earth, and all will have appetising vaginas."
(*)


Would you please stop your men from salivating? It is a most undistinguished sight.

Thanks. Now, where was I. Oh, yes...


Where, you may well ask, were the young rich men of the nobility, then? Why were they not slavering away at her doorstep? And therein lies a tale.

At that time Ak Koyunlu, in which land Isfahan was one of the foremost cities, was led by Sultan Hamza the Disemboweller, whose fair rule was only slightly perverted by his insanity. Having been considered mentally unstable as a young man, he had now perfected the art and was proud to be paranoid. The most obvious expression of this was his eight year long war with the mighty Timurid Empire, which had caused the death of an entire generation of young men and the devastation of much of his realm, though others might point to the weekly random executions as an expression of his fascinating instability. Thus it is fair to say that the Sultan was the cause of the marital woes of Lemonade.

Now, one day, as the Sultan was returning from the wars with the Timurid Empire, victorious at long last, he passed through Isfahan incognito with only a select group of a hundred bodyguards to keep him safe. Sneaking down deserted alleys to confound his myriad enemies, he came upon a maiden beset by ruffians. Her defenders were all dead, and she looked to be in dire straits. The leader of the ruffians tore her veil from her face, and she cried out for mercy in the name of Allah the benevolent. Straightforward, the ruffians, blinded by her beauty, fell to their knees and began worshipping her, and several synapses fused instantly in the Sultan's head. Upon his word, his bodyguards quickly chopped up the ruffians with great gusto.

And Lemonade was married to the Sultan the very next day, her father's objections having been overruled by a title, a tract of land, and some pointed remarks by the Sultan's bodyguards.

As he came unto his bride that night, he unwrapped her from her constricting dress and prepared to bring the key to the gate of heaven. The fair young Lemonade sighed happily with anticipated pleasure, and, awaiting the coming of her lord, opened her shapely legs, inviting him in. At this sight the Sultan stiffened, blood rushes to both his heads, his heart burst, and he crashed to the floor, dead.

As she screamed in terror, two palace guards rushed in to rescue the Sultan, and they, likewise were smitten. This set a weary pattern, and when, by morning, the Sultan's chief wife decided to nag her husband over a perceived slight, she found the Sultan and a mountain of dead guards arrayed around the newest junior wife.

The chief wife was a harridan and well schooled in intrigue, but she could affect charm when it suited her purpose. Calming down Lemonade, she got her to tell what had happened and promised to protect her from harm. Nobody really liked the Sultan, Lemonade was assured, and now the much more interesting business of selecting a replacement could take place. Still, somebody might want to behead, stone, or feed Lemonade to the dogs, even then, but the chief wife would prevent that.

Straightforward went the harridan to the wazir, an ambitious man named Jihängir, and together they concocted a nefarious scheme. Since the throne was commonly won by the sword, the wazir proclaimed, and as no obvious heir had been left alive due to the murderous impulses of the late Sultan, praise Allah, the throne would be left to the man (of good standing) who could wield his sword at least as well, and preferably better, than Hamza the Disemboweller had done. Applications should be handed to the wazir, who would handle daily affairs in the short interim between Sultans, and he who would arrange for nightly sessions with the fair Lemonade in a strictly non-partisan random order. Whoever pleased her the best, would be the new Sultan. An Imam was hired for the expected Marathon weddings necessary to satisfy propriety.

Following the accidental unleashing of the Palace Guard on a few doubters, the scheme was enacted and there was no shortage of applicants.

The first man was a noble scion, strong and true, and following a brief wedding ceremony, he was hustled off to bed with Lemonade, who looked on him with some favour. His body was treated with the respect his family deserved, and returned to his grieving parents the following day, his brief stint as Sultan having come to an abrupt, though happy, end.

As day followed day, and night followed night, so did noble scion follow noble scion into the grave, leaving Lemonade unfulfilled. Fortunately, the faithful wazir ruled with some wisdom and more ruthlessness, while carefully orchestrating a marriage per day. As time passed, Lemonade's beauty thus destroyed the entire crop of eligble nobles, and men from the merchant classes were allowed to take their chance. Throughout, the chief wife did her best to comfort Lemonade, who began feeling slightly depressed by the whole situation.

This went on for several years, and Lemonade passed her twentieth birthday unplucked, much to her distress. But still she persevered to put up a good show each evening, for hope springs eternal (and Allah is the fountain of hope).

Now, it came to pass that in Lemonade's twentyfifth year, the ranks of merchants having suffered the plight of the nobility, the upper echelons of the military were, reluctantly, admitted into the running. By this time her heart had turned to ice, and her body to stone, yet even more desirable was she to the men who sought the throne, like the most attractive dark eyed virgin in the garden of delights, though she was dismissive of their efforts. Whether they met their end by ruptured hearts, boiling brains, or spontaneous combustion (of which there had been a few spectacular examples), they had effectively signed their death warrant when they applied for her hand and the throne.

There was thus, on the balance, no reason to suspect that Hasan, the Captain of the Guard, would suffer a different fate, but he applied nevertheless. There being little love between the wazir and the captain, he was (by fortunate coincidence) rushed to the front of the queue.

He performed rather poorly during the official dinner, looking more stocky than usual, and shivering, as it was observed, with anticipation, and his second in command sorrowfully began contemplating his own soon to be accelerated promotion. An Imam performed the wedding according to established procedure, bid the happy couple a good night, and began preparing an eulogy on the Captain of the Guard.

Straightforward went they to the bridal chamber, and Lemonade, many thousand times a widow by now, and thus of a more practical bent than her seventeen year old self, asked her new husband to kindly keep his distance while she disrobed, that he not splatter her with blood in his death throes, or collapse dying on top of her, which she always found most inconsiderate. Somewhat disconcerted, but inclined to be courteous, Hasan agreed, on the condition that he could enter her in uniform, and thus meet his fate like a soldier, and took a few steps back. As Lemonade slowly dropped her dress and stood naked before him (Allah rewards the faithful!) steam began rising from Hasan's body, but, miracle of miracles, he stood still alive. Lying back on the bed, she watched incredulously as Hasan approached, careful step following careful step, giving off ever more steam from his splendid uniform with each passing second. As he reached the bed and she spread her legs, his hair began to smoulder and a glint of fire reached his eyes, but he paid it no heed. Urgently fumbling with his leggings, he pulled out his burning sword and plunged it between her legs, and deep into her body. Again, and again, as the steam rose from his body to shroud the two of them from the sight of the world of men, he thrust, and she arched her back and cried out in joyful surrender, being fulfilled at last. Of what further transpired that night only Allah knows (for Allah is all-knowing), but it should most likely be considered an earthly taste of heaven.

And thus did Usun Hasan, the Captain of the Guard, blessed by Allah, thaw the Ice Queen, and having mastered her once, he no longer needed the twenty kilos of ice that he had so prudently strapped to his body, even in the most intimate places, before the official dinner. Nevertheless, it is recorded by the sages, he always kept a bucket of ice handy, just in case. And as for his second in command, he never became Captain of the Guard, but assumed instead the post of wazir, which post had been forcefully vacated.

And this, then, is the origin of the saying, that "whosoever sticks his sword in the stone, and survives to pull it out, shall henceforth be Sultan", and concludes the tale of the woman, who, though she had a thousand men and married them all, only knew one, and that one was the favoured of Allah the merciful.



Yes, your men do seem in better spirits now, do they not? Ready to grab the world by its throat and throttle it, if it will get them laid. Ah! Hearken, I hear a caravan approaching! Get thee to thy work.

I? I am hardly a bandit, my good man. I will watch and, should you so desire, be available for an after action analysis for a small consultancy fee. Now, to work, and spare not the holy ass, as the Imam said to the dominatrix.





(*) Actual quote by the 15th-century encyclopaedist, scholar, and Imam, Al-Suyuti. I kid thee not. He apparently also wrote a number of treatises on sexual techniques, apart from works on medicine and other distinguished subjects.



The Facts

Ak Koyunlu, 1487

(Muscowy going strong, yet the Golden Horde is still a going concern. In the west the Ottomans have failed to take Constantinople, and they are constantly threatened by Hungary. The Mamelukes, having lost their best territories to Ak Koyunlu, have been torn apart by Nubia. 37 years into their disintegration, the Timurid Empire is still going strong, having lost a grand total of one province, Elbruz - to the Uzbehks, to secession, and winning two wars against the Uzbehks and a nasty Gujarat-Delhi alliance while keeping revolts in check. This is despite losing their best territory to Ak Koyunlu. Meanwhile, the Kaliphate, secure in its status as a vassal of the Timurid Empire, remains a nasty obstacle in Arabia)

Code:
Domestic Policy     1419      1435      1487
Aristocracy           9         9         9
Centralization        0         0         0
Innovativeness        2         2         5+3
Mercantilism          8         8        10+2
Offensive             6         9+3      10+1
Land                  6         6         6
Quality               2         3+1       4+1
Serfdom              10        10        10

Economy             1419      1435      1487
Monthly income        6d       26d       62
Census taxes         11d       81d      166
Inflation             0%        8%       24%
Badboy                0        12        10

Tech                1419      1435      1487
Land                  1         1         2
Naval                 0         1         2
Trade                 0         1         2
Infrastructure        0         1         3

Military            1419      1435      1487
Army support limit   11K       23K       58K
Navy support limit   --        11        28

Memorable Events
1435  Hamza the Disemboweller becomes Sultan
1437  Hamza the Disemboweller is charitably recognized as being temporarily insane
1439  A foreign drill instructor is hired.... Causing a state loan
1440  Now known to be violently Paranoid as well
1445  Wazir Jihängir rules by default following the death of Hamza the Disemboweller
1446  Wave of Obscuratism obfuscates Jihängir's rulership
1453  Usun Hasan becomes Sultan
1465  Syria defects to Usun Hasan's banner from the Mamelukes
1466  Nobles ally with a foreign power and are crushed
1467  The capital attracts many newcomers from all over the realm
1474  Lebanon joins the sheep, defecting from the Mamelukes
1478  Khalîl, first son of Usun Hasan and Lemonade, is Sultan
1479  Yâqûb, second son of Usun Hasan and Lemonade, is Sultan

Diplomacy of note
1458  Qara Koyunlu is diplo-vassalised
1471  Qara Koyunlu is diplo-annexed

Construction
1479  Six refineries at a steep cost in inflation
1485  Tax collectors in the ten provinces lacking one

Wars       Opponents        Outcome
1436-1438, Kaliphate        Gained 301d
    -1444, Timurids         Gained Hamadan, Tabaristan, Kerman

...To be continued...
__________________
When I said: "Death Before Dishonour!", I meant it alphabetically.

-----

For new denizens of the forum: To post here you have already agreed to follow the user agreement and the general rules (pay specific attention to rules 2, 3, and 6 if writing while your temper is heated). Furthermore, there may be special rules for specific forums. These can usually be found in sticky posts at the top of a forum. Read the stickies and obey the rules and, overall, it is a much nicer forum for all of us. Disobey the rules and be moderated, warned, put on probation, or banned.
Peter Ebbesen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2003, 02:02   #17
J. Passepartout
Shah Space Invader
 
J. Passepartout's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Posts: 4,208
I regret to announce that I shall not be posting for a while, as I will be in the Middle East.
J. Passepartout is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2003, 02:25   #18
Peter Ebbesen
the Conqueror
 
Peter Ebbesen's Avatar
Hoi2 Beta MemberEU3 Collectors Edition OwnerNapoleonic MarshalEuropa Universalis: RomeEuropa Universalis III: In Nomine
Rome: Vae VictisMajesty 2
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Beyond the infinite
Posts: 12,607
Quote:
Originally posted by J. Passeportout
I regret to announce that I shall not be posting for a while, as I will be in the Middle East.
Have a nice trip, and greet Saddam from me. Please point out that Iraq is an integral part of Ak Koyunlu, and that I would appreciate his surrender to the proper authorities (me) soon.
__________________
When I said: "Death Before Dishonour!", I meant it alphabetically.

-----

For new denizens of the forum: To post here you have already agreed to follow the user agreement and the general rules (pay specific attention to rules 2, 3, and 6 if writing while your temper is heated). Furthermore, there may be special rules for specific forums. These can usually be found in sticky posts at the top of a forum. Read the stickies and obey the rules and, overall, it is a much nicer forum for all of us. Disobey the rules and be moderated, warned, put on probation, or banned.
Peter Ebbesen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2003, 03:21   #19
Director
Maestro
Demi Moderator
 
Director's Avatar
EU3 Collectors Edition OwnerNapoleonic MarshalVictoria: RevolutionsEuropa Universalis III: In Nomine
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Baton Rouge LA
Posts: 3,397
Most excellent. This storyteller is more than he seems.
Quote:
Oh? You lost a man during the night? Well, that happens.
And not only have you united Hasan and the fair Lemonade but united the halves of your country as well. Good show.

With regard to your remark about the sword and the stone, I'm sure there's a witty retort to be made about the fair maiden's caliber - or the caliber of her exes - but I shall forego.
__________________
"That which does not kill me, has made a grave tactical error." - Jerry Pournelle

Seven AARs and a picture, too: Director's Inkwell
A Special Providence - An Ongoing Vic/Rev AAR of the Knights Temporal in the Victorian Era, A Tale of The Axe and the Killing Frost
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Director is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2003, 08:46   #20
Norgesvenn
LurkAAR
 
Norgesvenn's Avatar
EU3 OwnerNapoleonic MarshalDeus Vult!Victoria: RevolutionsEuropa Universalis III: In Nomine
Hearts of Iron III
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Middle of nowhere, Norway
Posts: 3,460
Lemonade, she wouldn't have a couple of half-sisters called Trixie and The Midnight Rose, would she?

Anyway, I can see that this will be a very entertaining ride, so I'll just fasten my seat belt, sit back and enjoy murder, sex, debauchery, scholarship and conquest!
__________________
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.

- John Kenneth Galbraith
Norgesvenn is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 16:08.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2010, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
© Copyright 2001-2009 Paradox Interactive