1066 and all that: an England aar

[gja102]

My aar will follow the fortunes of the kingdom of England, whichever dynasty happens to control it (hopefully it won’t be pagans, because then I’ll have to mod it).
DISCLAIMER: I have shamelessly stolen the title, style and a fair few of the jokes from the book 1066 and all that, which means it will be written in a kind of surreal textbook-history manner. So if you find anything funny, it’s probably unoriginal. On the plus side, the aar will at least be fairly short.
DISCLAIMER #2: I seem to have made a lot of jokes about France; please don’t be offended as I have nothing against France. France is great. I’m merely parodying the traditional, impulsive, irrational Anglo-Saxon distrust of anything Gallic. Honestly.

William I: a Conquering King

The Norman Invasion
In 1066 England fell quite completely to the Normans, a pragmatic and warlike folk who had previously descended from Scandinavia, and thus resided in northern France and southern Italy. The Normans were compelled to conquer England by their fervent desire to avoid becoming Frenchmen (a cause to which the Pope himself had given his blessing), and therefore easily triumphed over the one-eyed English king, Harold.

The Futile System
Upon being made king in the south, the Norman leader William made some very conquering laws to deal with his conquered subjects. He immediately introduced his futile system, whereby all the land belonged to the Norman barons, and all the barons belonged to him. He then very cleverly decreed that this was ‘Traditional Custom’, and that things had been like this all along. If anyone complained, he pointed out that the numbering of English kings started with him, and therefore any previous Saxon rules were by definition illegitimate, and probably imaginary. In this way, he was able to brush aside the fact that he had slaughtered five-sixths of the old Saxon nobility, and so despite having usurped 24 different titles, he was able to maintain an ‘honourable reputation’ abroad. Thus he became known as William the Conqueror (or, in the Saxon translation, William the Bastard).

Leo Fricson and The Saxon Revolt
Initially his system was a success, and William was able to spend his time planting new forests, dukes, etc. Inevitably, though, the remaining natives became restless at this state of affairs, and the whole of the north of the country rose upwards in civil war, under Leo Fricson, the memorable Saxon rebel. The rebels were assisted by various brands of zealous, rebellion-preaching firebrand, and by the Norman turncoat William Fitz Osbern de Breteuil, who trecherously lent the use of his many names to the Saxon cause. Matters were further complicated when several of the King’s regiments decided that, by the terms of the new traditional custom law, there could be no Saxons to fight as they had never existed in the first place, and accordingly went home. However, the rebellion ultimately failed, because of course their being conquered by King William the Conquerer was somewhat inevitable in the end. The defeated Saxons were exiled to the furthest reaches of Scandinavia (and, due to an administrative oversight, Derby). Meanwhile, the infamous Osborn FitzWilliam de Breteuil was given the harshest possible punishment under Norman custom, and was sentenced to France.


fig 1: wave of nothern firebrands


fig 2: norman footsoldiers find a legal loophole


fig 3: sentenced to france

Demise of William I
Immediately after these victories, William held a victory hunting party in one of his newly created forests with one of his newly created dukes. During this trip he was attacked by a vicious bore and left only half-alive. Thus his enemies had the last laugh.


fig 4: the conquerer's painful, drawn-out, mildy ironic death

[demokratickid]

Well, anyone portraying the irrational fear of anything Gallic definetly has me as a reader...

[Alfred Packer]

Ha! I love that book...good idea for an AAR!

[Zhai]

I will keep my eyes on this story!

[kadvael56]

Originally Posted by gja102

Meanwhile, the infamous Osborn FitzWilliam de Breteuil was given the harshest possible punishment under Norman custom, and was sentenced to France.

At least he will be able to cure his sorrow with wine .

[Quintus Sertori]

Meanwhile, the infamous Osborn FitzWilliam de Breteuil was given the harshest possible punishment under Norman custom, and was sentenced to France.

NOOOO!

They'll make him eat frogs...

Amusing read!

[Auray]

I was about to say that William the conqueror was also known as William the bastard, but then I noticed that you had added this little but important fact . Anyways, you got another reader on board.

[gja102]

thanks for the positive feedback!

i was a bit worried that a satirical approach wouldn't work in an alternate history... events in crusader kings end up crazy enough, without trying to add extra layers of confusion...

anyway, chapter 2 should be ready in a few days, featuring, amongst other things, a psychotic marine mammal. naturally.

[Olaus Petrus]

It is most pleasing to see that the king William kept the good traditions of English realm.

[Murmurandus]

Satire just suits fine, dear Sir... Keep up the good work...

[Eöl]

So are you going to try and keep things historically and satirically accurate as possible or go for a WC*?

*No not, Women’s Constitutional the other kind of WC.

[Olaus Petrus]

Originally Posted by Eöl

So are you going to try and keep things historically and satirically accurate as possible or go for a WC*?

*No not, Women’s Constitutional the other kind of WC.

Water Closet?

[Eöl]

Originally Posted by Olaus Petrus

Water Closet?

That too.
Teaches me for working off a hazy memory of 'Carry On' movies and guesswork.

[Morsky]

Great work! Haven't read the original book, though I've heard of it, so I can't see how well you emulate it, but I like your style and the form of the updates. Do keep it up!

[gja102]

Chapter II - Robert I: A Hateful King (Part I)

King Robert was an angry, cruel man, who was known for hating everybody and everything, regardless.

Unpopularity of King Robert
His temper was such that it often overwhelmed his ability to talk; the resultant stuttering rages could last for days. He hated his wife, whom he suspected of turning his advisors against him (he was mistaken, they were already against him), and he hated his children, sending them all away to be raised by a strange, bearded schizophrenic (who had been driven mad by the confusion of ruling a place called ‘Eu’). For the first two years of his reign, Robert was even rebellious against himself.


fig 5: Pleasingly named, but a poor choice of foster parent


fig 6: Satisactory childcare was the least of the king's problems

Continued Unpopularity of King Robert
Robert further upset the Norman barons by scandalously allying with the King of France, and marrying his eldest son to a French princess. Robert dealt with the main rebel, Henry de Beaumont, by massacaring his eldest son on the battlefield. Next, Robert dealt with an upstart Welsh lord, Cadwagon, by massacaring his eldest son on the battlefield. These child-murdering polices proved unpopular, and soon Robert faced rebellion by an alliance of ‘ford’ dukes: Hereford, Oxford, Bedford, Derbyford, etc. The last remaining Saxons joined up with the last remaining de Beaumonts, and a full scale civil war ensued.

The Barons’ Revolt and the Dolphin of Atholl
As well as being a bad man and a bad king, Robert was also a coward, and thoroughly inept at military matters. As crown prince of Normandy, he had spent the duration of the Saxon revolt marching his regiment in aimless circles around the rebellious territory of Evreux, unsuccessfully hoping to dizzy the enemy into submission. Fortunately for him, he was now able to call upon the services of his one loyal servant: the Dolphin of Atholl. The Dolphin was of course from Berwick (hence the name), but had been exiled to England by the Scots king. Robert duly gave him control of the army, and the Dolphin was soon savagely laying waste to large parts of England, burning down buildings in the manner of a Viking. Thus the civil war was eventually brought to an end, and the dukes of England brought back into line, though Northumberland remained independent, unwilling to forgive the infamous cruelty of the Dolphin.


fig 7: Robert's unusual, non-combatitive military strategy


fig 8: The Dolphin strikes fear into enemies of the king

Continued Unpopularity of King Robert (Continued)
Later in his rule, Robert abandoned the subtleties of child-killing and took to directly murdering his excessively rebellious vassals, and was caught assassinating the unfriendly Duke of Norfolk. The Duke of Canterbury saw this and, despite being a prodigal mastermind, decided that it would be a good idea to complain about the king’s behaviour. Thus Canterbury’s lands were overrun and his titles seized by Robert (who showed remarkable leniency in not murdering him). Having completely run out of friends to give land to, Robert decided to create England’s first Archbishop of Canterbury. The Bishop proved to be Robert’s only loyal vassal; his loyalty can be explained in the following ways:
a) he was the younger brother of the Dolphin
b) he was blind, and so unable to see what Robert was up to
Nevertheless, finding someone who was actually prepared to support him was somewhat of a landmark event in Robert's reign.


fig 9: Robert overtakes intestinal worms as a leading cause of death

[Auray]

Well, not very good times for Robert. I wonder how he can live with all those delusions he has without totally loosing his mind?

[It's Amazing]

I have a feeling the intestinal worms would be better companions. And better kings.

[demokratickid]

Ah! But he's chaste, no? That has to count for something!

[Olaus Petrus]

Curthose of this AAR is about as competent military leader and ruler as he was in the RL.

But this made me almost fall from my chair:

Robert decided to create England’s first Archbishop of Canterbury

So, the English Church is Curthose's creation, that certainly explains some of it's oddities.

[Morsky]

Yes, probably why the Anglican Church's main tenets are: "Drink tea with old ladies" and "Murder the firstborn sons of our enemies".

Robbie probably won't win many "Most Popular Monarch" contests, but I'm sure history will judge him well. Largely because he probably had all the dissenting historians disemboweled.