They AARe Going To Kill Us All!

[Kurt_Steiner]

They AARe Going To Kill Us All!

-So it was in the beginning...-

Barcelona... It's a cold night of February...

...the place? a bistro in las Ramblas, half closed...

Three men are sitting down whispering. The room is filled with the smoke from their cigars and sticks. Outside, the night covers the sleeping city with its darkness. The empty strets seems to have forgotten the noisy life that fills them when the sun arises, a bit unwillingly, in the blue horizon of the Mediterranean sea. Not very far away from the bar, the statue of count Ramón Berenguer III dreams in its melancholy with the glory of the past.

The three men keep talking in low voices, looking around with fear and insecurity. They may be alone in the bistro, but they are worried. They don't want anybody to listen to the conversation.

One of them, a strong-built man with a powerful body, dominates the table where they sit just with the movements of his hands. He's repeating what he has already say for many hours:

-¡Come on, man, I told you once and I repeat it again! -he wavers his hands in a fierce way, showing his impatience. He's angry because his friends seem unable to trust him. - This time Albert has achieved it! I'm not kidding!

-That's not possible, Martí, for God's sake... -it's the reply of the man to whom Martí is talking to. He's thinner than the first man, almost as delicate as a woman. His small eyes covered by his glasses, seem to calculate, to study, to calibrate the other men gathered there -. Albert, it's a genius, indeed, but that's not possible!

The third man, who has remained silent this that very moment, put out his cigarrette and, with a deep sigh, looks around with boredom before talking. His voice, filled with laziness, comes from a mouth twisted in an ironic smile.

-Come on, my friends,... this night is not going to last forever, let's finish quickly... Let's see -he says to both of them- Martí, Enric, stop arguing as if you were back in the kindergarten. Enric, for God's sake, put yourself together! Martí, please, explain it again. And this time try to make us understand. When you use this kind of tecno mumbo-jumbo you bring me memories of some one else... - he says, while a lost remembrance goes through his mind

Sir Humphrey Appleby, GCB, KBE , MVO, MA (Oxon), the lost remembrance...

Martí sighs, takes a sip from his caffe and, gathering all his strenght and patience, repeats again all his tale. In a corner, a grey cat sleeps, unaware that the fate of the world is going to change for good.

-Ok.. thank you Joaquím... Albert has unified... let's start from the beginning... Do you know the Five Dimension theory by Losky? Enric? ¿Joaquim? None of you? Oh my gosh...

-Is that what they call the Quintelosky's mod? -Joaquim asks while he lights another cigarette.

-Yes, that's it...

Enric shrugs his shoulds and replies:

-Physics... I stop giving him sense since Nietzsche proposed his theory of Crusader Times.

Martí irgnores him and keep telling them the secret that it's going to change their lives for good. Once they've understood, Joaquím, mesmerized, asks in a fragile voice

-In short... is it possible to travel through time?

-Yessssss... -Martí replies in a shaking voice-. Somehow... right now it's just a travel in one direction, of course, but..

-So let's not waste more time -Enric says-. It's now or never.

Martí arises from his seat, looks at them right in the eye and says:

-Well, gentlemen, let's go... in a week, in the mentioned place we all meet again.

In the horizon, a pale sunrise began its way to the sky.

--

A week later, a small group of human beings and a cat are gathered in the cell of an old mansion in Pedralbes. A tall man, whose hair is beginning to vanish for his busy head, is having a quarrell with some complicated machine. The machine, half a big refrigerator, half a monstruous computer, shakes with impatience. Once the tall man finishes his work, a date appears on the screen of the menacing machine: 06/28/1412.

After a second of silence, a big tear of an odd fluid which resembles mercury begins to appear in the center of the cell. It shakes like water and shines like gold. Suddenly, it ripes itself open an a yellow brick road appears. Exchanging some worried looks all the members of the group, eight men and a lady, gathered there begin to enter into the tear and follow the road. Just when the last of them has vanished once the mercury wall has fallen, a grey cat jumps over the computer, twisting and moving. With its tail he moves on of the keys of the machine.

The date on the screen changes, and, with it, the fate of a world.

20...

06...

1


9


4


4

...

The cat smiles and meows in an amused way.

[Von Perkele]

Please continue writing, this looks very exciting.

[Kurt_Steiner]

Thus starts a new quest for me. It's a truly quest, as I'll tell you later. It's caused by all the magnificient AARs I've read so far -here in the English and there in the Spamiard AAR section- and, in it's origin, it is caused by some people asking for it. Poor them...

My black sense of humor is not blameless for this AAR, for sure, but the one to blame is, let's be sincere, good young Canonized. Why? Quite simple. As with my CK AAR, this HOI AAR starts as a translation of a Spanish one -so unexpected...-. As many of you don't speak Spanish -boo on you... wise people... -, I felt that it was my duty to translated it for, at least, my good Canonized. Thus, if anybody wants to join and read...

By the way. It's not what it seems, but it could be what as it looks. If somebody can understand this sentence, please, PM me Well, just some hindsight of what may be...

Scenario : Gotterdammerung 1944.
Country : You shall see in due course
Dificulty : The proper one
Verson : Er... searching for it...
Mods : What?
First goal: To survive and have some laughs.
Final goal: To marry the girl and to get her money.

I know... I know... you all think... Kurty, you're mad -well, Canonized did say it first-: three CK AARs on their way plus this one -and the Spamiard original-. And also, it's going to be a true challenge for me, because I'll try to write a quite "formal" AAR -that it's it will be madness and humour, you shall see, but not as much as it is usual-. Furthermore, I'll try a new style to which I'm quite used in Spanish, but not in English... so... we shall see...

Yes, it's not going to be easy but... Were it easy, where would be the glory of trying?

And remember, Canonized is the one to blame for this

[4th Dimension]

Interesting.

[Emperor Ike]

This seems interesting, so i might just see what comes out.

[Remble]

So will it be Yes Minister or Yes Prime Minister

[Kurt_Steiner]

Originally Posted by 4th Dimension

Interesting.

Thank you, sir. I hope you like it.

Originally Posted by Emperor Ike

This seems interesting, so i might just see what comes out.

I hope the AAR is worth my audience.

Thrilling coincidence, now I think...

Originally Posted by Remble

So will it be Yes Minister or Yes Prime Minister

It will be a... "Ja, molt honorable Führer...(1)" In short... "Molt honorable" is a catalan expression used to refer to the president of the Catalan president of the autonomic government, the Generalitat. So, it would be a kind of "His Excellency".

So, what does a Catalan Führer means? Well, you shall see... It's madness, of course...

[Kurt_Steiner]

-...Thus endeth the beginning
and thus begins the tale-

Wolfsschanze, July, 20th, 1944.

...General Korten, Chief of the General Staff of the Luftwaffe, was making some comments to the last reports about the frontline. Hilter, who had some pencils in his right hand and a magnifier on his left one, takes a close look of the map. Himmler, by his side, looks over his shoulder, while Göring boasted that the Luftwaffe could clear the skies of any Soviet plane in any moment. Paciently, in a corner, Dönitz, Speer and Ribbentropp wait for their time to present their reports.

In that very moment, a shattering veil of yellow fire engulfs the whole room. Two pounds of explosives which were in a briefcase have exploded less than six feets away from der Führer. Just a heartbit after the explosion, a mercury-like tear appear in the room. It has an unexpected result: the magnitude of the explosion is expanded in an almost impossible way. Before vanishing in the void and returning to the original dust, Hitler has a second to wonder where if he took Blondi for a walk or not.

Then, the rest is silence.

The mercury-like tear opens and the nine time-travellers appear, dressed in the fashion of the 15th century, just in the middle of the carnage. The vision of the destructed room is impressive. After a short while, one of them mutters:

-We are not in Caspe, methinks...

They are all unable to think what is going on. Indeed, something has gone wrong and they are in the wrong place. Then, the door opens. Some soldiers of the SS enter with their guns ready to open fire. Then they watch the destroyed place. It's something that takes their breath away. Then they can see der Führer, dressed like a reincarnated Henry VIII. Could they speak, they may ask for Anne Boleyn. After some seconds, an SS Oberscharführer rises his hand and shouts in a weak voice:

-Heil?

Martí touches carefully Adolfo's arm, the mam who had just said aloud that they weren't in Caspe. He whispers in Adolfo's hear:

-L'hem cagat, nano... (1)

Adolfo rises his hand in the Roman fashion and replies.

-Heil, methinks...

--

Downing Street, 10. London, closing hours, July 20th, 1944.

A trouble secretary calls to Winston Churchill's door and enters without waiting. Churchill, smoking a cigar, rises an eyebrow.

-Yes, sir Humphrey?

Sir Humphrey Appleby swallows, glups and freezes.:

-If possible, in the most direct way, sir Humphrey -Churchill adds-. I don't want to spend the next six hours decodying your first sentence. We have Enigma to decode the Germans, not you.

-Yes Prime Minister... Hitler has gone mad, Prime Minister.

Churchill cannot help smiling a bit while looking at his sweating secretery. He forgets about his cigar for a while and replies:

-Nothing new then, sir Humphrey. But tell me, please. Why on earth you look so distressed? Oh, for God's sake! I hope that the Nazis haven't bombed Baillie College?

-No, Prime Minister... we have a message from Berlin... it's coded...

Churchill breaths deeply before asking:

-No one in Bletchley Park has been able to decoded it?

-No -it's sir Humphrey's reply, who looks even more shaked now.

Churchill takes the paper that Sir Humphrey has in its tremolous hand. What is says is stunning.

"Hola, Churchill, maco, com anem?

Escolta'm una cosa. Que sóc l'Adolf, pero no el Hitler, sinò el Hilla, nascut a Ripoll, no pas a Braunau am Inn. Mira nano, que resulta que m'he carregat a l'Adolf Hitler i a tota la seva pesca de nazis, i mira, com no podem fer un altre cosa, hem proclamat l'Estat Català dins del III Reich Alemany, pero a la primera de cambiu es carrenguem al III Reich aquest, t'ho churo, que nosaltres som d'esquerres. Vale, d'esquerres pero de la bona, no com la del Stalin. Vale, això sona molt malament, pero si t'atures a pensar, goita, mira el que farem. Tu para això de la guerra -home, tú i el Franklin i el Iosif. Jo conquesto España, la allibero de Franco y fico una democràcia, desprès allibero Catalunya i desprès us ho deixo Alemania perque la netejeu de nazis i aquest pesca, et fà el pes?

Hala, un petó, nano.

Signat:

Adolf Hilla" (2)

--

Two weeks later a message arrived to Berlin from London. It said:

"Dear Führer -well, dear, dear...

Not even sir Humphrey has been able to decode your mumbo-jumbo. Congrats for that, by the way. Now the main point. No one here believes a single word. It does not matter how main stupid pics of you wearing that silly thing called barretina and eating escudella you send us. We do not trust yoy anymore. Remember Munich? Sorry, but Chamberlain is not here anymore.

Take it easy, man.

Sinceresly yours

Winston Churchill, Franklin D. Rooselvelt and Iosif Stalin.

PD: Stalin has not forgotten that you stole his favourite teddy-bear"

Adolf Hilla looks awfully worried to his aid, Martí Boronat, in stunning silence. After some heartbits, he says a sentence which is going to become a legend.

-Ostres, ostres, ostres, aquí hi ha marro, tú! (3)

In the distance an air raid alarm can be heard. The RAF is back..

-End of the beginning
and beginning of the tale-

PD: I know that Himmler, Göring, Dönitz, Speer and Ribbentropp weren't there on 20th july, but, in this AAR, they were, for the sake of the narration, mainly.


(1) Houston, we have a trouble (free translation)
(2) Hey, Churchill, how you doing, boy?

Hey, listen. I'm Adolfo, but not the Hitler one, but the Hilla one. I was born in Ripoll, Catalonia, not in Braunau am Inn, Austria. Let's see... hey man, I've killed Adolf Hitler and all his Nazi pack. As there is not very much to do here, we have proclaimed the Catalan Estate within the III Reich. Don't worry, fella, because, as soon as possible, we'll banish the III Reich and Nazi regalia, I swear it. We are a band of few happy, charming left-minded boys. Ey, but the good left-mined ones, not like Stalin. We know you dont like him very much, so, just in case...

Let's make a deal. Stop this chaos and the war, please, -well... you, Franklin and Iosif. Then we [note of the translator: we, Adolfo and the rest, in short...] will conquer Spain to get rid of Franco and we'll turn the country into a democracy. We will also free Catalonia for us, so you and your friends will have Germany to cleanse it of the Nazi filth. Does it suit you fine?

Huggies and kisses, my boy

Sinceresly yours

Adolf Hilla"

(3) "My God, there is going to be a mess here...". (La Trinca, La Saga del Lius)

[Emperor Ike]

That is the most confusing and strangest thing...spannish Adofl? mmmm..Anne Boleyn? Stalins teddy? I think i need to reread the update to get things clear but yes good update.

[canonized]

A great start Kurt !! Glad to see you going ever more insane with your workload especially with a semi-serious AAR haha ! Even so , your characters are still as otherworldly as usual !

[Myth]

This looks like it will be quite awesome, I'll follow it!

[Hannibal Barca2]

When first reading the text, I didnt saw the translation... It actually seemed like a serious text, and then suddenly

Originally Posted by Kurt_Steiner

PD: Stalin has not forgotten that you stole his favourite teddy-bear

LOLZ!!

(Did really came as a shock of laughter on me )

[4th Dimension]

More insanity? That's good. Only thing lacking are pink elephants, but a man can't have everything.

So that damn cat screwed up the time AND location. Damn those cats. That one was probably planning world domination.

[Kurt_Steiner]

Originally Posted by Emperor Ike

That is the most confusing and strangest thing...spannish Adofl? mmmm..Anne Boleyn? Stalins teddy? I think i need to reread the update to get things clear but yes good update.

If you think that this is confusing... just wait and see...

Originally Posted by canonized

A great start Kurt !! Glad to see you going ever more insane with your workload especially with a semi-serious AAR haha ! Even so , your characters are still as otherworldly as usual !

I hope it's going to be serious, with some jokes on it... I can't help...

Originally Posted by Myth

This looks like it will be quite awesome, I'll follow it!

I'm honoured by your comment, Myth. I'm blushing...

Originally Posted by Hannibal Barca2

When first reading the text, I didnt saw the translation... It actually seemed like a serious text, and then suddenly

LOLZ!!

(Did really came as a shock of laughter on me )

Well, it is quite serious. Since Stalin lost his teddy bear he had not been able to sleep well.

Originally Posted by 4th Dimension

More insanity? That's good. Only thing lacking are pink elephants, but a man can't have everything.

So that damn cat screwed up the time AND location. Damn those cats. That one was probably planning world domination.

Don't worry, man. I'll have some pink panthers for you.

Peti... I meant the Panther V...

[Foxbat]

Great beginning. Will be following this.

[4th Dimension]

Well Germans did have some Elephants, but I doubit those tankists are going to like their tanks being painted pink.

But what do they know about psychological warfare? They don't know that Soviets are going to die laughing whan they see them. Or better yet. They are going to disregard them. Because they are used to seeing pink elephants after some vodka.

[diziziz]

Great story, so the real Hitler is in the future now, right?

[4th Dimension]

No. Hitler has been disintegrated.

[Kurt_Steiner]

Originally Posted by Foxbat

Great beginning. Will be following this.

Welcome aboard. Keep the demons at bay, please

Originally Posted by 4th Dimension

Well Germans did have some Elephants, but I doubit those tankists are going to like their tanks being painted pink.

But what do they know about psychological warfare? They don't know that Soviets are going to die laughing whan they see them. Or better yet. They are going to disregard them. Because they are used to seeing pink elephants after some vodka.

Well, they had Tigers, Elephants, Panthers, a whole zoo of steel, actually. And true. The Russian soldiers are going to be used to pink Elephants. But, remember, the III Reich is no longer the one it used to be...

Originally Posted by diziziz

Great story, so the real Hitler is in the future now, right?

Not really... the "wormhole" created by the machine magnified the explosion caused by Stauffenberg's bomb and Hitler and the rest of the people attending the meeting on July 20th, 1944 went, not to the future, but dierctly to the Walhalla.

Originally Posted by 4th Dimension

No. Hitler has been disintegrated.

Indeed. Hitler is not going to care never again for his diet. Nor Goering. Nor Himmler... Well, some new boys are going to take their places.

Remember... Now the Reich is under new (mis)management...

[rcduggan]

this looks pretty cool, /subscribed.