Home Trending Latest threads New posts Developer diaries

Prussia: a nation AND an adjective searching for greatness.

Jump to latest Follow Reply
  • We have updated our Community Code of Conduct. Please read through the new rules for the forum that are an integral part of Paradox Interactive’s User Agreement.
Ancalagon06

Ancalagon06

Corporal
4 Badges
Aug 2, 2007
41
0
www.mrripps.info
  • Europa Universalis III Complete
  • Warlock: Master of the Arcane
  • 500k Club
  • Cities: Skylines
0-prussia.png

February 10th, 1525:
Dear Diary,
I've just founded a country! I decided to call it "Prussia". Doesn't that just sound FEROCIOUS?!?!1 It sounds absolutely...Prussian. Hah! I've created a country and an adjective all in one day! I rock!

I admit though, I'm not exactly independent. My uncle, Sigismund, "technically" is the King of Prussia (and Poland! and Lithuania! he's soooooooo greedy, doesn't he have enough crowns, without taking mine?!), I'm just the Duke... but I'm the one who brought the Teutonic Knights into the country-making. If it weren't for me, he'd be king of JUST Poland and Lithuania!

1-my-name.jpg

Here I am! As you can see, I'm amazing when it comes to diplomacy. My adviser, Denny, claims that I should leave the military decisions up to him, but I don't know what he's talking about...

Oh, here's a picture of Denny:
4-denny.jpg

I can't pronounce his last name, and he doesn't respond to "Hey, Queef-Man!" too well, so he's been officially dubbed Denny.

3-me.jpg

Here's a picture of ME!!!!!1 Momma always said that Jesus made my eyes point different directions so that way I could see more than everyone else. I think she's right, even though Uncle Sigismund can never seem to make eye contact with me. Weird...

This picture reminds me of when I first went to school, the principal called Momma and Me into his office:

Momma: Remember what I told you, Alby (Momma always called me that!). You're no different than anybody else is. Did you hear what I said, Alby? You're the same as everybody else. You are no different.
Principal: Your boy's... different, Miz vonHohenzollern. His IQ's 75.
Momma: Well, we're all different, Mr. Hancock. There must be something that can be done?
Principal: Is there a Mr. vonHohenzollern, Miz vonHohenzollern?
Momma: He's on vacation...

Momma made me go wait out in the hall. I guess her and Mr. Principal got into a fight, because there was a lot of banging noises and yelling coming out soon after that. But that didn't stop me from going to school! I learned all the important things, like reading, and writing, and how to negotiate a major shift in religious doctrine that results in the foundation of the first Protestant nation ever to exist!

But enough about me! The first thing I do when I get back to Ostpreussen (that's my capital!) is realize that my new country, well, sucks! I can not let Prussia, and the holy adjective (Prussian!) which shall accompany her, to be known as a sucky nation!

Hmm, Mazovia, a little duchy directly below us, is weak. They've got no money, no man-power, and no allies. I send off the diplomats to declare war!

8-win.jpg


Now, Denny disagrees with me. He thinks that such an aggressive move against a state that was once a vassal of dear ol' Uncle Siggy will result in a very upset Poland-Lithuanian King. Pssssh, like he'd attack his own nephew!

Attack I say, attack!
7-attack.jpg

​
 
This is my first AAR. The original concept was to take a country that was quite literally NOTHING (prussia) and turn it into the superpower it eventually becomes (the German Empire). I have done some pretty extensive research on the events leading up to the creation of prussia. I wasn't aware until I started this project that prussia was the first country to have a Protestant leader AND Protestant population. Or that Prussia wasn't even a real country until 1618, ninety three years after the Teutonic Order converted to Lutheranism.

Hope you guys enjoy!
 
fe-fredde: Aggressive. I admit that Prussia didn't rise to prominence until nearly the 18th century, but they're accomplishments are impressive.

Maxblaster: The world may never know....

Sweboy: Everyone's special, which is another way of saying no one is... ;)

DutchBird: I'm using Theatrum Orbis Terrarum, it's why my map looks so awesome. Click here for the mod.

Deamon: What can I say, Albrecht is..."special"...

Update coming soon
 
Feb 11, 1525

Oh man, those Mazovians don't know what they've got coming for 'em!

I dispatched my 4 regiments of something called "Reformed Galloglaigh Infantry." Now, I don't know exactly WHAT a Reformed Galloglaigh Infantry is, or how to even pronounce it. Denny says that it's a Scottish mercenary from the western islands. I don't care about such mindless facts. Attack, I say, attack!

Our Reformed Galloglaigh Infantry is so awesome, I've decided to introduce you to one of them. His name is Ted.

6-warrior.jpg


See that sword? That's high quality Galloglaigh steel right there! Oh, those Mazovians are just shaking in their boots!
​
 
Oh, boy, you've got the Scots on your side. Those Masovians are toast. ;)

Great start. If you keep up even half as much humour I'll follow this as much as I can.








(but do try to keep up more than half, mind you. :p )
 
2/12/1525 to 5/30/1525


Feb 12, 1525

The nasty, unwashed Swedes have declared war on me! I'm sure they are jealous of my awesome protestant citizens!

02-swedish.jpg


We could totally whip them. They may have a better navy, and actual cavalry, but they don't have one thing...

03-me.jpg

ME!

Too bad those traitorous Livonians ALSO declared war on me. They're just upset that the great Lili Von Shtupp, the Teutonic Titaness, hails from Prussia.
Shtupp.jpg


But yes, let us examine our enemy.
01-livonian.jpg


Hmm, not a lot present. I can't fight three enemies at once, so I concentrate on the Mazovians. Lot easier to defeat a man with just one town than with four or five, I always say.

The Livonians have different ideas, and send their measly 2000 men across the border and into Memel. My army marches north, and quickly shows them the error of their ways.

001-go-me.jpg


Now we've got to deal with Mazovia. While I was busy sending the Livonians to their maker, the Mazovians have made a sneak attack on my capital. OMG!!!! It's like they think we're at war or something?!
​


April 6, 1525

After at least a month of trying, Denny's convinced me that since I declared war on Mazovia, that means they get to attack me just like I get to attack them. Humph! I still think that's sooooo unfair.

I've been forced to take out two bank loans in order to fight this war. The Livonians keep attacking Memel, and I'd ignore them, but their artillery is knocking great big holes in the walls.

So I've been forced to hire some mercenaries.
mercenary.jpg


Denny's warned me that using the lowest bidder isn't going to turn out good in the end. I disagree! These mercenaries are perfectly willing to fight. So long as they get a steady supply of Hannah Montana, that is!
fp8818hannah-montana-posters.jpg


​

May 12, 1525


Well, we've invaded Kurkland, the Livonian capital. Smashing success so far, if I must say so myself.
002-go-me-part2.jpg


My personal army is on it's way to deal with those Mazovians. On the way, the Swedes chose to make their move, laying seige to my capital, with the Mazovians singing back-up. Now, before I started this whole war, I did order the creation of several new units of troops. As luck would have it, they were ready to be deployed just as I entered the capital. This fortuitousness worked greatly in my favor.
i-win.jpg

Take THAT, Lars Eirksson!

Riga, hearing of this amazing victory, sends me a diplomat asking for my friendship.
i-win-2.jpg

Since they clearly have good taste, I accept.

​
 
6/8/1525-9/7/1527


June 8, 1525

VICTORY!
victoly.jpg

Peasents everywhere are celebrating our victory over the Mazovians. Our Galloglaigh-iachs have spanked the Mazzies thororughly, and sent them packing to their mommies.
baleted.jpg


The war is over, it's NAP TIME!
nap-time.jpg

​


June 14, 1525

Okay, it's not really nap time. Denny keeps screeching on and on about finishing sieges and preparing for a Livonian counter-attack...

sneaky.jpg


You can see them there, on the other side of the Gulf of Riga, preparing their troops, preparing to launch an all out assault on my Feared Mercenaries!!!

A Note From Denis von Quernheimberg
King Albrecht then forgot to make any sort of visual record of almost the next year. While I can forgive his forgetfulness (he is, after all, Special), it makes it very difficult to recount the many acts of bravery of his own personal army...Albrecht's Attackers...isn't that just a, um, wonderful name?

And let us not forget his Feared Mercenaries, who time and again held off attack after attack by the Livonian scum. They also set a new Medieval record in Girl Scout Cookie sales.
cookies.jpg


Nothing quite warms the heart of a cold Livonian soldier like Samoas and Thin Mints.

After a seige of six months, the Mazovian garrison surrendered. King Albrecht, using his negotiating skills to the maximum, annexed the territory of Mazovia. He then turned his attention to Livonia. By this time, our nation's first two regiments of cavalry had been trained, and were sent to assist the Feared Mercenaries.

As Albrecht's Attackers marched their way from Mazovia to Livonia, they came under attack by another army of Swedes. Albrecht's Attackers, and I quote:
 "Beat them so hard their GRANDMOTHERS felt it"
swede-cowards.jpg

The Swedes asked for a white peace approximately a month later. Albrecht, with much urging from myself, agreed to this peace deal.

Albrecht moved his army against a town called Wenden. Meanwhile, having grown tired of the 6 month siege, our Noble Majesty ordered an assault of the Livonian capital.

4000 brave men were sent into the attack:
assault-bad.jpg

1100 came out.

Meanwhile, our Fearless Leader seized the township of Wenden. After rumors of the horrific siege of Kurkland, where the defenders were now reduced to eating their own feces, the defenders of Wenden promptly surrender after a month of fighting. A token force of defenders in Livland are utterly destroyed by the might of our Prussian army.

I counciled Albrecht to rest there, wait until Kurkland was reduced, before moving on. Both of the armies were depleted, the year of almost continuous fighting leaving their morale in tatters. Our Royal Highness, however, had other ideas...

​


May 20, 1526

DEFEAT!
Those stupid scottish gallogiwhatevers have FAILED ME!
estland.jpg


I've been forced to retreat to Livland, and wait until reinforcements catch up with me. In the mean time, my Feared Mercenaries have taken Kurkland, and are moving up to Osel. I can't write the name in here, dear diary, because umlauts are my natural enemy!

Death to UMLAUTS!
...
and LIVONIA!
​
 
Oct 24, 1526

DEFEAT AGAIN!
defeated.jpg


I'm starting to wonder if Ted is really trying here. I mean, really, really trying to defeat these Livonians, or if he's just going through the motions.

I mean, look at his face:
doesntcare.jpg


I've had to retreat to Wenden. My reinforcements are moving up through Riga, while my Feared Mercenaries are beseiging the Livonian's offshore fortresses.

A couple quick battles later, with some thorough thrashings of Livonian Turd Herders, and I've taken both Osel and Estland.

Now, Livonia quickly offers up Livland and Wenden. I've been there, I really don't want to have to actually stay. So I present a counter offer: Vassal. With a nice 50 ducat payment to back it up.
livonian.jpg

​
 
Oh S#@& day

April 4, 1527

Dear Diary,

It's been a while since I last wrote to you. Hope you could forgive me!

I had to release our Fearless Mercenaries. I couldn't afford to pay them, or maintain my addiction to Samoas. I had to take out two loans, and I'm more than 50 ducats into debt. It's going to be a hard road to recovery after that war.

A lot of exciting things have been happening in Prussia. All those endless hours of research have resulted in the people being more stable!
stability.jpg

I wonder if stability is a cross between a horse barn and being a member of the nobility. Wonder what that child would look like...
stable.jpg


After a few months of realizing how awesome it is to be a vassal of Prussia, our Livonian comrades have agreed to a Military Alliance. YES!
m-a.jpg

​

August 7, 1527

Dear Diary,
bastards.jpg


Pommerania has declared war on us! I'm not sure what they expect to accomplish, their nation's greatest achievment was some sort of large furry rat:
Pomeranian_picture.jpg


Denny started freaking out almost immediately when he heard the news. Cries of War Exhaustion, and stability problems, and lack of manpower, and lack of cash. Blah blah blah, he's such a woman. He needs to go on Dr. Phil, he'll set him straight!
drphil.png


After all, we've got two allies to back us up!

riga.jpg

Sh@#...

Make that one ally!

After all, Pommerania is just one nation! They can't even get to us, Poland surrounds Prussia like the warm blanket of a caring uncle. A caring uncle named Sigismund! Uncle Siggy would never let Pommerania across his borders to attack me!

shit.jpg

S*+t...
​
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back