The Case of the Missing Toaster (France)

[joebthegreat]

This is a MP game. Unlike most MP games I won't invite others to come and comment on their country or their situations. The MP game has not yet started, and I will update with every session. Each update will have screenshots of borders and explinations.

Now, I titled this AAR after what I believe we should have named the MP game. As of right now, they haven't named the MP game, but I have a feeling they won't choose what I suggested. This is possibly part of the reason as to why I am currently not asking them to add to this AAR...

In case you're wondering, the Netherlands AAR is dead. It got too annoying for me. I will keep this AAR based in the game (though you can expect some crazy stuff to go on).

One last explination and then I promise to let you read the story. I will be putting this in a pretty technical style. I will start with the date, the current relations, and the maps. I will put in commentary on why relations and maps are what they are after the technical info is done, and then finally I will put in some fun stuff.

Blech, just read it to find out how I'm going to make this AAR... I'm sick of explaining...

I will give the first update shortly.

[Quirinus308]

Alrighty then...

It's time for another rolicking adventure with Joeb the Great

[Iron_Skull]

Hm, I'm in this MP game (Austria, Dazed Spy heh)

[joebthegreat]

January 1, 1936

Current Relations (Note that some of these countries are AI controlled):

UK: 0

France: -200

Spain: 0

Sweden: 0

Prussia: -50

Austria: +50

Italy: 0

Russia: 0

Ottman Empire: 0

Japan: 0

USA: 0

Mexico: +50

Brazil: +50

-----

Current Borders:















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Current Issues:

Direct quotes from Prussian Foreign Minister:

"Oppose French and British colonialism when possible, unless of course the two nations agree to not try to prevent Prussia from grabbing its own share of the spoils"

"If this happens, Prussia is more than willing to fight France as well as Italy alongside their Austrian brothers"

King Joeb had this to say about Prussia's willingness to fight France:

"I'm the King?"

and

"Knitting is the kind of thing you shouldn't do while drunk"

French Foreign Officials have stated internationally their appologies for the king's behaviour, saying he was on his period at the time. Leading scientists are still trying to find out how this has happened.

On the topic of Prussia, French Foreign Officials have stated that they are likely to retaliate upon Prussian attack. One must emphasize that they are only LIKELY to retaliate, and there is still some consideration amongst officials as to whether or not they should roll over and just let Prussia invade them.

This is a controversial issue, and an issue that is still developing. We'll give you an update of these events at seven.

Other noteworthy issues include Austrian announcement to crush all Italain national spirit, Russian demands of Anatolian freedom, and Mexico's drinking water.

Austria announced earlier today that it was planning to crush Italian national spirit using a new invention, the bicycle. Officials are still trying to figure out how Austria will manage to do this, but have sent a warning to Austria that should anything funny happen, they may be too busy laughing to help Austria out. King Joeb had this to say:

"My brother lives in Italy. I think he's my brother anyway. He's allergic to bicycles"

France and Austria have been in several top secret meetings, and have resolved this issue. Members of the far right claim that France caved in too easily by talking to Austria. Members of the far left claim that France is being too stubborn by not offering Austria half of her lands in compensation.

Russia announced intention to free the Anatolians from Ottoman influence. Anatolians would, under Russia's deal, come under the influence of Russia instead. Anatolians asked, in a meeting, if it would be possible for them to be under their own influence, and were immediately laughed out of the meeting. Though the Anatolians currently have no say in their own independance, one thing is clear. Everybody at the meeting is under the influence. King Joeb had this to say:

"I've sent some of my best wine to all the foreign leaders. If they're all drunk, then maybe I'll be able to relate to them"

Austria and Prussia have come together against Russia's bullying of the Ottomans. French Officials have offered Russia help against these German countries, should Russia drop the claims to Anatolia. The Russian diplomats couldn't respond at the time, as they had been beheaded five months prior to the meeting.

There are still developments in this story. More news on the situation at seven.

King Joeb sent a bottle of wine to the king of Mexico. He has been told that Mexico has a president, but insisted that he label it "his majesty" anyway. King Joeb had this to say in a letter that went along with the wine.

"I was in Mexico once, I suggest you don't drink the water!"

French Officials were about to apologize for the statement when the Mexican Leader sent this response:

"...we are improving our "sewer system" and gurantee that our water is now "drinkable"."

The top minds of France still haven't managed to figure out what this message is supposed to mean. Mostly because none of them can speak Spanish, which is the language this message was sent in. When we offered to translate it for them they said:

"It isn't any fun that way!"

There is still considerable debate as to how drinkable Mexico's water really is.

We will continue to give you news on this issue, as it develops.

Thank you for reading...

More news at seven...

-----

"This is terrible!" King Joeb shouted, having just read the newspaper.

"What is it, sir?" His advisor, Franko the Frank, asked.

"They keep saying more news at seven! This is a daily newspaper! How are they supposed to give us more news at seven!" King Joeb cried.

"Perhaps they mean more news at seven, tomorrow! After all, the newspaper is distributed at seven o clock a.m. daily!" Franko said.

"Oh, alright then!" King Joeb was relieved. "Now that the important issues are done with, I'll leave everything else to the ministers! I'm going to bed"

With this King Joeb walked out of the room. It was only 4:30, but whatever.

-----

Next update: I don't know if I'm going to have us look at the Anatolian discussions or if I should go into the French-Austrian talks over Italy...

This update sucked...

Anyway, I'll update shortly...

[joebthegreat]

THIS JUST IN!!!

AUSTRIAN SPYS HAVE BEEN FOUND INSIDE OF THIS VERY THREAD!!!

French police have been alerted, and are currently searching for these men.

[rhynoclemmis]

Count me in.

No, I'm no Austrian spy.
I'm my heart's spy looking for good old-fashioned romance on the high seas of passion.

EDIT: Oops, wrong forum.

[Quirinus308]

Ah...
excellent update, fact filled, and yet not fettered by the chains of logic.

I do agree that the best stratagy at this point would be to get your enemies drunk. Then if they see two of you and shoot, you have 50-50 chance they'll hit the wrong you.

[Binnesman]

I'll contribute.

[joebthegreat]

Relations between Prussia and France are no longer terrible! King Joeb had this to say:

"I sent him a boquet of flowers and now we're bestest friends!"

French Officials say that now that France, the UK, and Prussia have agreed to eat the Netherlands and Belgium, they are friendly.

The far right demands full annexation of all territory involved, while the far left has been protesting for more civil rights, and a country twice the size of France itself to be released for the impovereshed Belgians.

Belgium and the Netherlands, upon hearing about the outside world's plan to conquer them, have decided that they don't care and want to fight each other anyway. King Joeb had this to say:

"They must be drunk... excellent!"

Is King Joeb truely as sinister as that last sentance would lead us to beleive? Or was he drunk? There is still some debate over the issue, but most would agree that he was drunk.

More news at seven.

In other news, Austria has been clamoring for the right to annex South German Minors. Austria claims that it has more in common with these minors than Prussia. Both sides began to threaten, both sides then proceeded to claim the other was the first to threaten. This was followed by the South German Minors asking if they can just have independance. The South German Minors' diplomats were laughed out of the meeting. King Joeb had this to say about the issue:

"I should be allowed to annex all the South German Minors! Why's Austria so special!"

and

"Prussia... aren't they in Moscow? Why do they care?"

Prussia has recieved UK backing, France is right behind the UK and Prussia as well... with a knife...

More on these continental shifts at seven.

[joebthegreat]

Thank you readers!

and two peeps from the MP game are here now!?

You guys can contribute all you want... but if you don't suck up to France in some way in this AAR I'll cry the tears of innocence... or something...

[likk9922]

Hilarious updates!

[joebthegreat]

(Normally MP games don't get nearly as much discussion before the game as what we seem to be getting... so the relations are STILL not set and they're moving all over the place)

Current Relations:

UK: +50

France: -200

Spain: 0

Sweden: 0

Prussia: +50

Austria: +50

Italy: 0

Russia: 0

Ottman Empire: 0

Japan: 0

USA: 0

Mexico: +50

Brazil: +50

-----

News has just reached us here in France involving the issue over South German unification!

The UK has bought Austria off by offering it the Netherland's colonial territory it would have gained in a prior agreement between herself, France, and Prussia.

Many people across the world are dissapointed at the anti-climatic ending. There hasn't been anything interesting lately, and everybody was hoping for a war.

In other news, French Officials have been informed that things may be happening in the Americas! While this is America, and so we don't actually care, we do hear that America and Mexico may be having disagreements over land.

-----

"This will be peace in our time!" The UK foreign person shouted.

"I concur!" King Joeb concurred.

"You would! You're a filthy cur!" the UK foreign person shouted.

King Joeb left the foreign ministry, crying. The diplomats had always been a bit mean to people outside of their group.

"What should we do?" the French diplomat whispered.

"Whatever it takes" the Austrian diplomat whispered back.

"What are you guys talking about!?" the UK foreign person shouted.

"Erm... the Low Countries!" the French diplomat screamed unconvincingly.

"Erm... South German minors no wait nevermind colonies!" the Austrian diplomat screamed in a very convincing manner.

The UK foreign person walked away, and over to the Prussian foreign person.

"What should we do?" the UK foreign person screamed.

"Whatever it takes" the Prussian diplomat whispered.

"What are you guys talking about?" the French diplomat asked.

"Erm... colonial possessions!" the UK foreign person screamed.

"Erm... unification and colonial possessions!" the Prussian diplomat screamed.

They were both very convincing. You could see in their eyes that they were telling the truth.

The French diplomat wasn't convinced.

The Russian and Italian diplomats were currently laying down in a corner. The Russian because he was beheaded a while ago by his country and therefore unable to move around, the Italian because... well... Austria's whole plan to ruin Italian national unity worked out pretty damn effectively.

Suddenly the Ottoman diplomat stormed into the room.

"Sorry I'm late!" the Ottoman diplomat bellowed, his voice echoing throughout the lands.

Everyone stared for a few moments.

Everyone ignored the Ottoman diplomat and went back to their own little thing.

(With King Joeb)

"Sire! Everything is going as you had planned!" the French royal tell-him-what-he-wants-to-hear...er... told King Joeb.

"Excellent!" King Joeb laughed maniacally.

King Joeb fell over drunk.

[Iron_Skull]

LOL. Excellent update.

[joebthegreat]

We played first session today... lots of cool stuff...

but we went over, normally I'd have updated by now... and now I'm way to tired...

update will be on Saturday... *falls over*

[Hajji Giray I]

Dah ... I thought this would be another mystery AAR. But I'm not disappointed anyways, and I think Iron_Skull is definitely an Austrian spy.

[TheExecuter]

<Drawn in by strange blinking sign over AAR>

WHA?! Missing Toaster?!! I don't get it...must be 'cause I'm under a Polish avatar...joins queu of oppressed people waiting to get laughed out of the meeting...



TheExecuter

[joebthegreat]

I got caught up being tired on Saturday... and with work and family on Sunday... but TODAY!!!

I'll update later... right now I'm in school...

-----

(Teaser update)

"I want to have a friendly relationship with France... the sort of friendly relationship you can have in a prison cell" the Prussian Ambassitor said, reading from a note that had apparently been written by the Prussian Emperor.

"Well seeing as how you've yet to unite the Germans, France would obviously be the giver in this relationship" King Joeb giggled.

"We'll make sure not to drop the soap" the Prussian Ambassitor then walked out of the meeting dramatically.

-----

So much happened and I already have a perfect update in my head so pray that I don't get tired again!

[Binnesman]

Now the accurate update of French/Prussian relations :

Prussian ambassador : You're our bitch, end of story

French King : Well, seeing as you haven't united Germany yet, it seems you're OUR bitch

Prussian ambassador : That might be true, if we didn't have all of Germany and Austria and the UK as our allies

French King : Yes sir, sorry sir, we're your bitch

Prussian ambassador : That's more like it, we WILL run the train on you if you're disrespectful again

French King : Yes sir, please take my wife as a token of good faith

Prussian ambassador : No, French women are hairy

The Prussian ambassador then exits the room

[joebthegreat]

Originally Posted by Binnesman

Now the accurate update of French/Prussian relations :

Prussian ambassador : You're our bitch, end of story

French King : Well, seeing as you haven't united Germany yet, it seems you're OUR bitch

Prussian ambassador : That might be true, if we didn't have all of Germany and Austria and the UK as our allies

French King : Yes sir, sorry sir, we're your bitch

Prussian ambassador : That's more like it, we WILL run the train on you if you're disrespectful again

French King : Yes sir, please take my wife as a token of good faith

Prussian ambassador : No, French women are hairy

The Prussian ambassador then exits the room

Now what he said translated into smart:

"I don't really have anything compared to you so I rely on other countries to do all my work assuming you don't have good relations with any other European countries" The Prussian Ambassador said.

"Well in that case you're a bitch" King Joeb said.

And now for the update...

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Current Relations:

UK: +50

France: -200

Spain: 0

Sweden: 0

Prussia: +50

Austria: +100

Italy: +50

Russia: +100

Ottman Empire: 0

Japan: 0

USA: 0

Mexico: +50

Brazil: +50

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Current Borders (old pics used if there have been no changes... and the colonial status of Adrar is VERY important here...)















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Current News:

Strange happenings in the Low Countries!

Prussia nearly risked war with Austria! The Netherlands is free due to mismanagement in the Austrian government! Brazilian intervention prevents complete meltdown of situation! All this and more in the Low Countries!

About a decade ago, the countries of France, Prussia, and the UK all joined together with a plan to annex the Low Countries. Every other country accepted this plan (except Belgium and the Netherlands, but honestly who cares about them?). French Officials, not realizing that the UK ambassadors were only pretending that Prussia knew what was going on, decided to go ahead and charge into Belgium.

Tempers almost flared and people hoped for war, but unfortunately, calmer heads prevailed and no war was risked.

French soldiers in Algiers refused to leave the country to go fight the war in Belgium. French Officials were too lazy to mobilize. France decided to help the Netherlands keep its land from Belgium, and only take half of it's territory in this war.

Austria, clearly not understanding what the promise of "staying out of the Low Countries" meant, decided to ally the Netherlands. When Prussia was faced with this alliance, they demanded Austria ignore the alliance and let them annex the Netherlands. Austrian officials were currently in the middle of a five year party in Algiers, with the French soldiers, and didn't get the message. Prussia was mad, the UK was British, and France is the only country to have gotten anything worthwhile out of the deal so far.

More news on the Low Countries at seven.

"French Revolution 2" was released yesterday as the sequel to the smash hit, "French Revolution". People rose up in numbers unknown to King Joeb (he can only count to seven). Cities fell across the country and millions fled to Brazil in panic. The French army, still partying in Algiers, refused to do much of anything. Soon the capital fell and King Joeb was replaced by Prime Minister Joeb. Democracy, your name is France!

Unfortunatly, in this revolution, the capitalists lost a good deal of money, and the democrats are firm in their belief that capitalists should have the burden of lifting all of the French economy. French industrialization has thus been slowed for the time being, and agricultural expansion is the only thing keeping exports up, as shown in this chart:

(due to budget cuts our newspaper us unable to make charts)

The last moment anyone in France bothered to look, France was just ahead of Russia in exports. Experts claim this is likely to have changed with the capitalists currently forced to rebuild their cash reserves.

More news on the French Revolution and its effects at seven.

Italy... is... erm... not here yet!

The king of Sardina Piedmont is ashamed to announce that he has yet to crush the other Italian minors. Austria is still attacking national pride of Italians and France has dissolved it's alliances with all Italian minor countries involved.

More news on Italy at seven.

French land sold to the Brazilians at extremely low prices!

When King Joeb was asked why he sold his Brazilian territory for only 2500 he replied:

"I wanted to go out and tell some farmers to go work in the expanded lumber mill, but I didn't have any spare change on me to rent a horse, so I decided to sell the land!"

French Officials are both pleased and angered. French Officials are pleased to know that King Joeb has finally managed to construct a coherent sentance, but are angered at how little the land was sold for.

Still, relations with Brazil have been good due to French willingness to leave it's American colonies behind.

More news on America at seven.

Thank you for reading. We are sorry that we get so few readers, but understand that this is a French newspaper published in English. We haven't yet translated it into French, as none of us know how to speak French yet.

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Fun Stuff:

People were surrounding the French capital. French soldiers had long ago abandoned the area for Belgium, while French reinforcements from the south never came. All that was left was King Joeb, and a few of his most loyal servants, who had decided to stay and see the end of France.

"My lord! They're at the gates!" Hobag, the royal say-things-that-frighten-us...er, shouted.

"Surely they can't get through the gates! We've just finished installing the peasent repelent!" Jobag, the royal be-too-optomistic-about-the-situation...er, shouted.

Outside one could see many peasents running around in circles, making buzzing noises, touching the gates and soon running back and resuming their circular paths.

"The repelent is only good for one hour! We're all going to die!" Mobag, the official get-scared-too-easily...er, pulled out some of his hair and started crying.

"I knew it would come to this. I'm ready" King Joeb said, dramatically. He took off his crown, and tossed it into the garbage. He then walked over to the window and shouted to the people below.

"People! Your king is king no longer! I am now your Prime Minister! You can go back to your houses and vote for things! I might actually pretend to care what you think from now on!" Prime Minister Joeb then closed the window and sat in his throne.

Everyone was happy and went to their homes and decided they were perfectly happy with their government.

-----

What really happened with no AAR to cover it up:

The OE guy didn't show up and I doubt we even have an OE player... which was always a concern. My policies will likely change because of this.

The Austria guy left REALLY early, and so before Prussia and UK could act out against the Netherlands they faced an AI Austria. Rules state you can't start conflict with an AI player nation, and fighting the Netherlands would have done that, so the gamemaster (who is Brazil) banned Prussia from attacking the Netherlands.

I was lazy in the war with Belgium and so took a state and got out. They have one state left, and I don't know why I didn't reduce them to three provinces so I could annex easily, but I just wasn't thinking at the time I guess. I must not have been thinking seeing as how I left Algiers alone and left the army in Algiers...

I set my party to a reactionary party (I didn't know it was reactionary, just that it had settings that I liked). And ended up with dictatorship. That didn't end well, as every single provence in the mainland was deep red on the revoltrisk map. At one point I had three to four revolts pop up a day. I decided to let them just take it to a democracy, which is sad because I actually wanted to keep consitutional monarcy in this game.

I figured I was pretty screwed with the small ammount of expansion I've done. Fortunately nobody seems to have done much expanding and so I can still take charge and get a big chunk of colonial territory!

Officially I have no alliances but unofficialy I have plenty of friends. I'd like Prussia to remember this next time he threatens to do stuff to my mouth...

Oh, I don't have too much money right now due to me having been converting a bunch of clergymen to get my research up... just so you know... don't think I suck or anything... even if I do... please don't think I do

[Ahura Mazda]

Oh, I don't have too much money right now due to me having been converting a bunch of clergymen to get my research up... just so you know... don't think I suck or anything... even if I do... please don't think I do

Isn't clerks better then clergymen?

I think you su.. Oh we were supposed not think so right...but I think so anyways