God's Own Country: A Montenegro AAR

[Fiftypence]

God's Own Country: A Montenegro AAR

Here Begins A Great Tale

IN THE HISTORY of mankind there have always been dreamers, men of superior imagination and intellect who believed that it was their destiny to shape the world in their image, to fearlessly tread where no man/woman/alien/other (delete as appropriate) has trodden before, to realise their lofty ambitions and live forever in infamy. Some were, simply, geniuses. Others were men of great cunning and arrogance, but some...well, let's face it, some were just plain bonkers...

Long ago, there lived a Prince-Bishop. He knew he was special, as he was the only Prince-Bishop to have his very own army! And what a cool army it was. Unfortunately, it was a really really tiny teeny weeny, somewhat embarrassing army, and his neighbours had much bigger, albeit less cool, armies. Worse still, both those neighbours were rather rude and unpleasant to the Prince-Bishop and his little realm of Montenegro.

In the city of Podgorica, the Prince-Bishop sat on his throne, Prince-Bishoping...

Prince-Bishop: Hey you, advisor, what's your name?

Advisor: My name is Dmitri Advisorovic, your most awesome Prince-Bishoppyness.

P-B: Right right. So it's January 1st 1836, and I've mysteriously forgotten everything about the country I'm supposed to rule and need you to remind me of all the stuff I should know. You know, as is customary in this type of AAR. For their benefit, yes? *Winks*

Advisorivic: My lord, you have something in your eye? Let me have a look.

P-B: Argh get away from my eye!

Advisorovic: Geez, I'm soo sorry for trying to help you. Whatever man, whatever.

P-B *Growling* Just give the damn info.

Advisorovic: Okay, Montenegro. We have just over 100,000 people, most are simple farmers but a few are soldiers. We have a little army, no navy, no airforce, not even a kid with a kite, and our treasury consists of £500 we found buried using a pirate map you found while out hunting for possums.

P-B: A pirate map, eh? That gives me an idea...wait here, I'll be right back! *runs out*

A week later

Advisorovic: Wow, I wonder where he went? Do you know, dear reader? If you do, call our helpline on 0800 etc etc.

Another week later

P-B: Hey Dmitri, I'm back! Boy, you'll never believe what happened to me! But anyway, I got the Doritos you wanted.

Advisorovic: ...Um, your most irreverent Prince-Bishoptasticness, Doritos??

P-B: Yeah, liked you asked for. Why are you looking like that?

Advisorovic: *Sighs deeply* You're an idiot. You're a complete cretin. Bloody hell, why? WHY? Every time I, generic advisor, appear in an AAR, the ruler is always a total moron. Come on, I mean surely there were some competent rulers in history? For every loser there is a winner, right? But no, in comedy (and I use the term loosely as far as this is concerned) AARs the King, Emperor, Tribal Chief or flipping Prince-Bishop is an idiot, a complete n00b, an incompetent moron who has trouble with spelling his own name and chewing with his mouth shut! You know what, game over man. Game over!

P-B: *Pause* So I guess you don't want a Dorito? Okaaay, I'll take that as a no.

**

Later that night, as the humble Prince-Bishop lay awake pondering his existence, he felt the ground shake beneath him, and suddenly there was a light! Not just any light, but a really bright one, shining down from the sky above.

"PRINCE-BISHOP, BOW BEFORE YOUR GOD!!!!!11!!"

The Prince-Bishop swallowed deeply, and blinked in amazement. "Oh my word, who are you?"

There was a pause, and the sound of muttering. "WELL, I'M GOD, I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE PRETTY OBVIOUS...DO ANY OTHER HEAVENLY BEINGS TELL YOU TO BOW BEFORE THEM ON A REGULAR BASIS, OR WHAT? BECAUSE I ASKED THEM TO KNOCK IT OFF A WHILE BACK, ON ACCOUNT OF MY JEALOUSY..."

The Prince-Bishop furrowed his brow. "Well, not on a regular basis, no. But there's this mad guy who lives down the road who swears he's God, and I bow down before him-

"SILENCE! I COME BEFORE YOU TODAY AS I DID WITH....WITH, UH, CURSES, YOU KNOW, THE GUY ON THAT MOUNTAIN, THE ONE WHO GOT LOST IN A DESSERT, WHAT WAS HIS NAME?"

The Prince-Bishop pondered meekly. "Elvis?"

"YES, ELVIS. I COME TO TELL YOU OF A MISSION THAT LIES BEFORE YOU, THAT IS OF GREAT IMPORTANCE TO ALL...WAIT, ELVIS??"

"Uh, or it might have been Moses. I always get those two mixed up."

"GOOD, YES, HIM. NICE GUY, LIKED BUILDING BOATS...ANYWAY, AS I SAID I HAVE COME TO TELL YOU OF WHAT IT IS YOU MUST DO."

"And they all went in two by two, into Moses' Ark," the Prince-Bishop sang, oblivously. He looked up and smiled. "Hehe, sorry, what were you saying?"

"YOU MUST GUIDE MONTENEGRO TO GREATNESS."

"Ah, well now, waaay ahead of you there. You see, when I was out buying Advisorovic his Doritos, which by the way he got really stroppy about, I came across a man selling treasure maps for a tenner. X marks the spot and all that. And he said that if I go to Cuba, I'll find-"

"NO. YOU MUST DO IT BY CREATING A NATION DEVOTED TO GOD. THAT'S ME. I'M GOD. I LIKE ATTENTION, YOU SEE. IT'S KINDA MY THING."

"Creating a nation...?"

God sighed. "I MEANT MONTENEGRO."

"Ah, right you are."

"BYE NOW."

The light disappeared, leaving the Prince-Bishop alone once again in his chamber. "What a thoroughly nice chap. But I wonder what he meant?"

For hours he sat thinking, trying to understand God's words. And then it struck!

"Yes, of course! But I'll need cash...oh yes, the stockpiles! I'll sell the stockpiles! God bless stockpiles!"

The next day, the Prince-Bishop, by royal decree, ordered all the peasant serving in the field to report to Podgorica cathedral to become priests. As the masses began to form, a thin smile formed on his lips. Above there was some thunder.

"WHAT THE HECK, THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT! I WAS ASKING YOU TO DO THE USUAL STUFF, YOU KNOW, PRINT SOME PAMPHLETS OR GIVE AWAY SOME FREE BIBLES...NEW TESTAMENT ONLY, OF COURSE. AHEM."

"Montenegro shall become strong through having an entire population devoted to research. The world will bow before our amazing research rate! The priests are currently busy working on a, heh, practical steam engine!"

"HMM. WELL, IT SHOULD BE QUITE AMUSING TO WATCH WHAT HAPPENS ANYWAY. I'LL JUST GO GRAB SOME POPCORN."

Before:


After:

[Fiftypence]

I've decided to do a new AAR! Of course I will not be using any cheats, but there will be exploits aplenty, oh yes! Come on, it's Montenegro! As for all the other info, it's Victoria Revolutions latest patch, normal/normal.

And yes, New England is abandoned. Deal with it.

[wargames]

Originally Posted by Fiftypence

I've decided to do a new AAR! Of course I will not be using any cheats, but there will be exploits aplenty, oh yes! Come on, it's Montenegro! As for all the other info, it's Victoria Revolutions latest patch, normal/normal.

And yes, New England is abandoned. Deal with it.

Try Krakow. You don't need cheat. Some S/L at most.

[Fiftypence]

Originally Posted by wargames

Try Krakow. You don't need cheat. Some S/L at most.

Why would I want to play Krakow? I'm playing Montenegro.

And you DO need to cheat with Krakow, as Austria will always attack you. Not the case with Montenegro, hence no cheats needed.

[wargames]

Originally Posted by Fiftypence

Why would I want to play Krakow? I'm playing Montenegro.

And you DO need to cheat with Krakow, as Austria will always attack you. Not the case with Montenegro, hence no cheats needed.

No. Unless you are very unlucky that Austria attacks you too quickly, you have enough time to trigger a revolution to restore monarchy. Your relation with the three neighbours will improve so much that you hardly need to worry about their attack for quite a while.

Anyway, nothing against your Montenegro AAR. It must be a good fun as well.

[stnylan]

I have to say, I particularly chuckled at the dig about other comedy AARs. How very true!

Should be fun. Sneaky move with the clergy.

[Jooce]

Good stuff, Fiftypence. I'll subscribe and keep up. Glad to be here from the start of the AAR.

[Fiftypence]

God's Own Country: A Montenegro AAR

In Montenegro, as seconds turned to minutes, minutes turned to hours, hours turned to days, days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned to years, years turned to decades, decades turned to centuries, centuries turned to millenia, millenia turned to...uh, more millenia, the Prince Bishop had a visitor. In 1836. So all that stuff before, it was a lie. Weeks had indeed turned to months, but they had not subsequently turned, in fact, to years. Just so you know.

P-B: So Advisorovich, who is this worm who dares enter my domain?

Advisorivich: It's an emissary from Russia, your most fruitilicious Prince-Bishopicity.

P-B *Looks at the Russian* Can it talk?

Russian: Vodka! *Falls over*

P-B: Wow, just...wow.

Advisorovich: My lord, he's dead!

P-B: Oh my God. Oh, my, God. This...this is bad. I didn't touch him, you can't pin this on me. Hey everyone, all you servants, it was him, that guy there who advises me! He did it! Oh God. Don't worry, it will be okay. Everything is fine.

Russian: Vodka!

Advisorivich: Ah, he's not dead. Unless he's got rigour mortis. *checks his pulse* Yep, rigour mortis. Even in death this fine Russian man manages to be a crude and frankly offensive national stereotype. *rolls eyes*

P-B: Hey, you got something wrong with your eyes? Let me take a look.

Advisorivich: Oh geez what the f**k is wrong with you! We have a situation here, and you're trying to gouge my eyes out!

P-B: Sweet vengeance. Stay cool man, stay cool. It's all right. It's all right.

Russian: Vodka make me happy!

P-B: Anyway, now that we've put that unpleasantness behind us-

Russian: I'm still here *guards grab him and drag his corpse away* Hey, you take me to vodka?

Alliance offer rejected.

P-B: - I wanted you to meet my new advisor. His name is Bob. Ah, here he is now, hey Bob, have you met Advisorovich yet?

Bob: Neigh.

P-B: Well, now's your chance. Say hello.

Bob: Hey man.

Advisorovich: Hey, that's greeeat. Bob, pleased to meet you. Ah, you have a good firm hoofshake, that's exc-oh holy mother of Gordon's and Tonic!

Bob: Whoah, what's the matter man?

Advisorovich: *Eyes wide* Uh, well it's just you're, you're...you can talk!

Bob: What? *brays* Of course I can talk.

Advisorovich: But dude, you're a fricking horse!

Bob: *nonplussed* What?

Advisorovich: A horse...that can talk!

P-B: Hey yeah he is! You know, I never noticed that until you pointed it out. Giddy up, horsey! Hehe.

Bob: *His face falls, and he sinks into despondency* Every time! Why does this happen every time, man? You know, all I want to do is advise European monarchs and get some respect, you know, make a career for myself. Climb up the ladder. You know, build myself a future. Be listened to. To be a contender. But noooo, it's always the same. First thing anyone says is "oh man, you're a horse", like I'm some kinda, some kinda freakshow, a fairground attraction.

Advisorovich: Well, I'm sure there are lot's of opportunities in the circus for-

Bob: No one ever sees me for what I am underneath, the horse on the inside. I'm probably the only talking horse in the world, do you realise how lonely it is?

Advisorovich: Well I can probably guess-

Bob: Do you know how it is to lay awake at night, wondering if there are any other horses out there with the gift of language?

P-B: Strangely, yes I do.

Bob: Well, it's a sad, lonely, desperate existence. You know, I feel like growing my mane long and dying it black, and sitting in a darkened room where I can write poems about my misery. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Oh I'm so depressed!

P-B: Okay friend, you do that, you do that. But speak more softly, will you?

Bob: What, why?

P-B: Well I wouldn't want you getting hoarse. Hoarse! Oh man, that's some funny shit! Haha, hoarse, oh man. Oh man, that's too funny.

Bob: That's not funny! You're just mean. *canters off crying*

P-B: Hehe. Hoarse. *shouting* Hey Bob, why the long face? *bursts into laughter* Oh yowzah, I'm on fire! Hehe, long face.

Advisorovich: Okay shut up right now.

P-B: *seriously* But you know, we should probably not mock one of God's creatures.

*Thunder clap*

God: YOU THINK I MADE THAT FREAKSHOW? NO, THAT WAS ONE OF VISHNU'S. THAT GUY IS JUST CRAZY. THIS ONE TIME, ME, HIM AND THOR WERE OUT ON THE TOWN GETTING WASTED, AND...OH MAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE, IT WAS SO FUNNY. ANYWAY, SEE YOU AROUND.

*Thunder clap*

Advisorovich: What...the...hell...was...that????

P-B: Oh that was just God. Pal of mine.

Advisorovich: I hate this AAR.

Bob. Though Bob is in fact a horse, and has white hair, but whatever. Close enough.

[Fiftypence]

wargames: In Revolutions the DOW from Austria is hardcoded. There's no way to avoid it at all.

stnylan: Thanks. It is an interesting strategy to try, and the idea of a nation whose population is 75% priests becoming the most technologically advanced in the world has it's charms.

Jooce: Excellent. Thanks for reading.

[Jan Skrzetuski]

Another AAR with tiny country playing leading role - I hope you'll create quite an empire eventually.

[stnylan]

The Prince-Bish should definitely be played by Hugh Laurie.

[wargames]

Originally Posted by Fiftypence

wargames: In Revolutions the DOW from Austria is hardcoded. There's no way to avoid it at all.

After restoration of monarchy, befriend with Russia and UK, buy a land somewhere with your superior tech advantage. Release Poland when DoWed by Austria and run exile. It is not too difficult to come back to Europe after a few years.

[likk9922]

Advisorovich: I hate this AAR.

Ditto.

[Duke of Wellington]

Haven't seen you writing humour for a while fiftypence (sorry if I missed some). So a welcome find this is. Good luck and keep it up.

[Olaus Petrus]

I always like AARs which have God. He's always such a reasonable fellow with his demands.

[anonymous4401]

STOP ABANDONING COOL AARS FIFTYPENCE

Or at least get more than two updates in.

Also I caught that reference that you put in there and liked it.

Also while reading this AAR a flash of inspiration struck me for a new Vicky Comedy AAR of my own and I'll err on the side of caution and credit this flash to your AAR.

[Fiftypence]

Originally Posted by anonymous4401

STOP ABANDONING COOL AARS FIFTYPENCE

Or at least get more than two updates in.

THIS IS NOT ABANDONED.

My keyboard is broken, so it's a pain to type a lot of text at the moment. It will be fixed soon.

Also I caught that reference that you put in there and liked it.

Which reference is that?

Also while reading this AAR a flash of inspiration struck me for a new Vicky Comedy AAR of my own and I'll err on the side of caution and credit this flash to your AAR.

Awesome.

[anonymous4401]

A kid with a kite! I invented those you know.

And don't worry about keyboards, Fiftypence! Once you ascend to the next level of AARdom, you will not only be able to write AARs with your mind, but transmit them to the internet as well!

[Fiftypence]

God's Own Country: Special Pictorial Update

As told with many pictures. And few words.

(the quality is low because it's all basically nicked from phargle)



I'm Montenegro. I drew this myself.

No really, I did!

Oh, I see, it's like that is it? It's like "hur hur, how can a country draw a picture of itself"? Well you know what? Screw you.
Screw you.



I send all my problems to church, my problems consisting of most of my population. And you know why I do this? Because I hate God and mysel...what was that noise?

It sounded like-

*Thunder bolt*

DID YOU JUST SAY WHAT I THINK YOU JUST SAID? I'LL CURSE YOU TO HELL FOREVER WITH MY STUPENDOUS WRATH!

Erm, well I just...hey look behind you, it's Aphrodite! *runs away*

WHAT, WHERE? ARGH, WHY YOU LITTLE...

*Some way away*

Phew, I escaped, using nothing but my superior mind.



Montenegro, you're a genius!

The Rest of the Update

Advisorovich: Well that was startlingly fresh and original.

Bob: I thought it was funny, in an ironic kind of way. A comment on the lack of originality that pervades our lives, how the machinery of society sucks out and ruthlessly destroys creativity, and is unwillingly to tolerate those who are different and who don't conform to the straitjacket of societal norms.

P-B: Heehee, why the long face.

Bob: Oh you just won't let it drop, will you? Gyaah!! *storms out in a huff*

P-B: That Bob guy cracks me up. He's my mane man.

Advisorovich: ...

[anonymous4401]

This update not only looks suspiciously similar to that of another AAR, but to that of the first update of this AAR as well! Well done, though!