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12-11-2005, 03:59
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#1 |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: The Moon
Posts: 1,696
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Missing That One Final Screw - A Bavarian Pre/Sequel
Warning, this will not make sense. It will make slightly more sense if you read the latest post (and hopefully the full thing) of this AAR. Even then, your results may vary.
Somewhere in the Duchy of Bavaria Dec. 26, 1066 AD. Random Peasant #5268 was packing it in after a long day of doing whatever peasants do. Which included being oppressed by Random Official #3214, who he was carrying on his back. Then the sky split open, and in a hail of rocks, metal, and suitcases, a titanic metal montrosity still trailing bluish electricity smashed into the ground and plowed through two cows and a chicken. Needless to say, this caused them to empty their bowels. Then a door swing open from the side of the hulking metal thing, and a snappily-dressed man and a frizzled, wide-eyed younger man stepped out. SD Man: Hail, citizens! Could one of you direct us to the Duke's castle? The shaken Official whistled to his carriage driver, who drove the carriage over. Official: T-take these guys to the Duke, now! And they were on their way! The Duke's Castle Jan 1, 1067 Duke: And what is it you wanted, sirs? SD Man: I and my aide here seek admittance to your court, Your Dukeness. Duke: Mhm. And what do I stand to gain from this? SD Man: I am a powerful and wise holy man, your lordship. (Here, the record states the aide collapsed in a fit of heavy coughing) Duke: Sure you are. Guards! *The guards surrounded the two* SD Man: Wait! You doubt my power?! Duke: Yes. Do you know how many 'holy men' I get a week? We had to build a whole new dungeon to hold them all! Take them away! SD Man: STOP! I can prove my power! With that, the man ripped off his own left pointer finger. Coutiers: *gasp* SD Man: BEHOLD! As he held his left hand high, a mighty blue flame sparked to life from the stump on his hand. Duke:  The man lowered his hand and the flame died. With a quick movement, he snapped the finger back into place. SD Man: What do you say, your lordship? Duke: W-welcome to the court of the d-Duke of B-Bavaria, Sir... SD Man: Ludwig. Ludwig the Second. DUN DUN DUN...  Central Europe, CK, Latest Beta Patch Bavaria and her vassals outlined in blue  The Duke of Bavaria |
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12-11-2005, 18:15
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#2 |
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Peacock dreams!
         
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Clitheroe, Lancashire
Posts: 2,816
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So have you added Ludwig II as a courtier or will you be using poetic license?
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12-11-2005, 19:52
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#3 |
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Swag Surfin
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Rotje Knor
Posts: 466
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Hehe, read your Bavaria AAR in the Vicky AAR forums, and it was funny as hell
 This one is shaping up to be the same. Please, continue!
__________________
The Purple Resplendent - A Byzantine AAR - Abandoned "To be governed is to be watched over, inspected, spied on, directed, legislated at, regulated, docketed, indoctrinated, preached at, controlled, assessed, weighed, censored, ordered about, by men who have neither the right, nor the knowledge, nor the virtue." "[...] Fear of the people is the defect of all those who belong to authority; the people, as concerns power, is the enemy." "Anarchy is Order." - P.-J. Proudhon |
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12-11-2005, 20:01
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#4 |
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Postmodern poseur
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Oblivion
Posts: 1,366
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I gotta get me some of this
__________________
Everybody knows, you only live a day, but it's brilliant anyway FINISHED: Keep on Rockin' in the Free World, an AAR of the USA. Pretty stale: The Crusader Mafia: A Neapolitan AAR. Winner: AARland Reader's Choice Awards Q4, CK comedy. I own one sixth of Henry v. Keiper's soul, 600 kenneththegreat points, 5 Pimp Shizzle Points, • <--- a Phoenix cookie, and three anonymous4401 dollars. Index of "Interesting" OT Threads for your erudition. Not updated, but you'll just have to live with that. |
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13-11-2005, 17:00
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#5 | |
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The Little Corporal
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Home for the holidays
Posts: 4,228
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Quote:
__________________
#0030-Lance Corporal HOI MIA Company-ADDICT Platoon-Recruitment NCO AARs: Finished-Empire of the Steppes: A Siberian AAR - OscAAR-Best EUI AAR - WC by 1625 --- The Reader Request AAR WW Results: Won: 3 | Survived but lost: 1 | Lynched: 9 | Killed by Hunter: 1 | Eaten: 10 Roles: Villager: 11 | Wolf: 7 (once turned) | Sorcerer: 3 | Seer: 2 | Priest: 2 | Apprentice: 1 | Hunter: 1 ||| Leader: 1 | Spiritually Attuned: 1 Winner of: Werewolf XXXV: Whodunnit?, Werewolf Lite LI: Prohibition and Werewolf Lite CXXXV: The Time Machine Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. -- Albert Einstein |
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13-11-2005, 21:23
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#6 |
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GunslingAAR
Moderator
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A very humurous start, and certainly on par with your Vickie AAR - though no song references...yet. Looking forward to where you take this.
__________________
The fAARq & Forum Rules
For the Glory of Scotland Forever - A For the Glory AAR Find all my AARs listed in The Ink Well Visit my blog at Hear the Hurd and my Paradox blog Number One With A Bullet |
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14-11-2005, 10:55
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#7 |
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Dad of two
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Finland
Posts: 467
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Good start.
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14-11-2005, 14:18
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#8 |
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Major
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 790
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rofl, I love your humor. Its wacky and makes little sense, just how I like it.
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22-11-2005, 06:53
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#9 | |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: The Moon
Posts: 1,696
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Quote:
Also, sorry for the length before updating. Also, if nobody minds, I'll be skipping most of the personal events. There's only so many jokes I can make! I'll always mention the heir, though. --------------------- January 3, 1067 The Duke's Palace Ernst: What are doing, m'lord? We've gotta figure out how to get home! Ludwig: Home? *laughs* Ernst, this is home! It's even better than I'd have thought... Here, even the mightiest nations of our time are like infants. Prussia, Austria, France... From here, we can guide Bavaria, make her the strongest in the world! Ernst: But, sir, how can you hope to accomplish this before we die? Ludwig: Die? We can't die, silly Aide. We haven't been born! Ernst: But...we're living, and we haven't been- Ludwig: Ernst, who has the metaphysics degree here? Ernst: Um, you? Ludwig: No. But thanks for believing in me. I love ya, man. *hugs Ernst and walks off* Ernst: ... What the hell just happened? [Snap to black, start theme song, reveal title] -------------- 1067 Jan 1 - We're making a whopping 9 gold a month. Would be 14 without the money going to the King of Germany. Apr 9 - A Forestry is begun in Kempten. Also, Herr Duke keeps his ruling in the family. His wife's the chancellor, his daughter the steward, and his son-in-law the marshal. Duke: It's easier to keep an eye on them that way. Jun 14 - Justice and Fairness rule the heir's thoughts. Heinrich: These thoughts come from God! Therefore I will be Reckless! BWAHAH! He proceeded to crash a horse into a tree. Jun 21 - Research focused on Offensive Tactics, Power, and Thought. Ernst: You're planning something, aren't you. Ludwig: Of course, dear Ernst! The question is if it'll work. Ernst: *looks out the window to see the remains of the Time Train...and gets hammered at the tavern* Also, the laws were switched to SemiSalic Primo, Traditional Custom, and Church Supremacy. Oct 14 - Heinrich doesn't desire glory. This sends the Duke into a drunken rage. Fortunately, it also gave him Drunken Imbalance, and he didn't make it two steps. 1068 Apr 8 - Forestry complete in Kempton, begun in Oberbayern. 1069 Mar 6 - Training Grounds begun in Kempton. Duke: Soon, our military will be the most powerful in.....Bavaria.... *sigh* Mar 21 - The King of Germany attacks the Tribe of Mecklemburg, and asks for us to mobilize. Stupidly, we do. The King then proceeds to march them all over Europe for three years. Hell, one of my regiments wound up sitting in Sardinia for months! Ludwig: We've got to become independent... Apr 11 - The forestry in Oberbayern is complete. Workers: We're lumberjacks and we're ok... 1070 Feb 5 - The training grounds are complete. The soldiers are checking out the Italian countryside. Jun 20 - Our debt hits a low point of -220 Ernst: My friend's got a leigelord and he hates that dick He tells me everyday He wants more dinero just to stay at home Ludwig: Well my friend You gotta say Ernst & Luwig:I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way Nana why don't you get a job? Say no way, say now way, ya no way Nana why don't you get a job? 1071 Jan 9 - Heinrich finishes school, and becomes a Brilliant Strategist. Heinrich: Ha! Double sixes! Ernst: Damn defender bonus! Jul 9 - Soft Leather discovered in Kempten. Ludwig: It makes me feel sexy. Duke: Ludwig, I'm begging you, put some pants on! 1072 Jan 3 - Mecklemburg is finally defeated. Ludwig: Finally. Maybe that idiot will give us our troops back... King of Germany: I HEARD THAT! For that, I'm keeping them longer! May 24 - Germany finally lets our troops go. Aug 1 - The debt is paid off. Bavaria now makes about 13g a month. Aug 28 - Road Building is 'discovered by Ludwig. Also, Lower Lorraine sent us a note. Note: Dear Bavaria. You can kiss the fattest part of our ass. Return Note: Dear Lower Lorraine. We don't want to intrude on your boyfriend's job. We got a claim anyway. Nov 11 - Heinrich got a maid servant pregnant. Duke: That's my boy! Nov 20 - Still, it'd be good for him to be married. We search, but there seem to be no hot young women in German, which is a damn shame. He does get married to Cecilia, a cousin of the King of England. Nov 23 - We switch to Salic Consanguity, because I hate it when my heir is some other dynasty name because of my ruler's daughters. 1073 Mar 15 - The Pope sends a bishop to our court. His name is Ludwig. Unfortunately, we go into debt again. Ludwig: Hi, I'm Ludwig. Ludwig: pleased to meet you, Ludwig, I'm also Ludwig. Ernst: I hate my life... Apr 6 - Bavaria discovers the Shortbow. Fearful of our might, the Duke of Austria requests an alliance. Honestly, I didn't know two Dukes could ally if both had a leige... Nov 11 - Heinrich has an Identity Crisis, torn between Just and Lustful. He choses Justice, and becomes Bavaria's first superhero. ------------- In Another World... Anchorman: The evil Supervillain Herr Heinrich has announced today he has deflowered every madien in all of Germania. Even the might of the Pope was no use to stop this madman! ------------- Dec 1 - County of Tirol kisses our feet. 1074 A period of provincial improvements and discoveries begins. Oct 8 - Training Grounds in Oberbayern. Dec 5 - Brickwork Structures discovered. 1075 Mar 13 - Wood plows in Oberbayern. Apr 8 - Road Network begun in Kempten. Aug 29 - Annual Sailing in Oberbayern. On the Danube, I guess... Sept 8 - Training Grounds complete in Oberbayern 1076 Sept 8 - Road Network begun in Kempten Dec 8 - Stonepit in Oberbayern. Workers: No more...please...we can't go on...living this way... 1077 Jan 18 - A Great Royal Feast is financed. Everybody got totally smashed. Ludwig: Ale and whores - a Bavarian tradition! Slinged Javelin in both provinces later in the year. Totally unrelated. 1078 May 26 - The Pope calls for a Crusade to Jerusalem. Duke: Right. We're gonna be able to do that. Luckily, the Pope understands. We don't lose piety. 1079 Jun 20 - Cecilia, Heinrich's wife, dies in labor with a fifth child. Duke: Son, you gotta be more careful. Don't break your stuff so fast. 1080 Jun 15 - The peasants show up. Peasants: Hey, Sir Duke? Could nobody be born into serfdom? Duke: Ah, sure, why not. Peasants: Wow, that was easy. Ludwig: Liberal Revolution, my arse! Aug 22 - The nobles and vassals 'advise' that we switch to Elective Law. Duke: How dare they question me! DUKE SMASH! RAWR! And so he did. Right through our own castle walls, where he collapsed, exhausted. Dec 16 - During the reconstruction, some bright chap says, "Hey! What if we made the walls bigger?!" And the Small Castle was born. 1081 Absolutely nothing of interest happened. Ernst: I'M SO BORED! 1082 Aug 6 - Offensive Terrain discovered.  Ayup. Nov 11 - The Oberbayern nobles protest the offensive terrain. 1083 Mar 3 - Bohemia finally gets enough money to proclaim itself a kingdom and get the hell out of Germany. We envy their minty greenness. 1084 Again, nothing of interest, except for Bohemia lording it over us. Asses. 1085 Sept 2 - The Bishop Ludwig brings forth a 'heretic'. The Duke chooses not to pass a secular sentence at the advice of the other Ludwig. He is branded as 'Skeptical'. Oct 2 - We have pity on the Nobles. They can have their fiefs. As long as they keep the music down. 1086 Mar 2 - Chickens are discovered in Kempten. Peasant: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?  Ernst: It's just a chicken, man. Peasant: Is it poisonous? Jun 9 - The Burghers protest the Feudal Contract. Duke: DUKE SMASH! This time, he not only made it through the walls to smash some burghers, we decided to actually start building that Small Castle. 1087 Jan 1 - 20 years. Ernst: Twenty years of the Middle Ages... *sobs* I wanna die! Ludwig: Come on, man, cheer up! It's not all bad! Go poke the peasants with this stick for a while, you'll feel better. He did. May 28 - Salt Refinery Duke: Mmm...salt. Jun 16 - Duke Otto dies of a salt-related heart attack. His son Heinrich assumes the throne.  Meet the new boss, kicks more ass than the old boss. Last edited by Rocketman; 22-11-2005 at 07:01. |
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22-11-2005, 08:27
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#10 |
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Peacock dreams!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Clitheroe, Lancashire
Posts: 2,816
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That terrain certainly is offensive! I'm amazed, in all the humourous CK AARs I've read, that this is the first time I've seen that picture used in conjuction with an offensive terrain gag.
 If you want to become a king the best route is Venice. Then you will no longer have to be envious of Bohemia's minty greenness. |
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22-11-2005, 10:11
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#11 |
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Dad of two
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Finland
Posts: 467
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Great update.
Chickens was good one. |
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22-11-2005, 18:15
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#12 |
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GunslingAAR
Moderator
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A loadful of terrible puns, every one of them a beaut! Offensive terrain, indeed.
__________________
The fAARq & Forum Rules
For the Glory of Scotland Forever - A For the Glory AAR Find all my AARs listed in The Ink Well Visit my blog at Hear the Hurd and my Paradox blog Number One With A Bullet |
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22-11-2005, 23:15
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#13 | |
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Postmodern poseur
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Oblivion
Posts: 1,366
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Quote:
Oh, and nice update.
__________________
Everybody knows, you only live a day, but it's brilliant anyway FINISHED: Keep on Rockin' in the Free World, an AAR of the USA. Pretty stale: The Crusader Mafia: A Neapolitan AAR. Winner: AARland Reader's Choice Awards Q4, CK comedy. I own one sixth of Henry v. Keiper's soul, 600 kenneththegreat points, 5 Pimp Shizzle Points, • <--- a Phoenix cookie, and three anonymous4401 dollars. Index of "Interesting" OT Threads for your erudition. Not updated, but you'll just have to live with that. |
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23-11-2005, 01:53
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#14 |
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Second Lieutenant
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 188
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How much more money do you need to proclaim yourself and independent kingdom?
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23-11-2005, 02:12
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#15 | |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: The Moon
Posts: 1,696
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Quote:
There is no 'Kingdom of Bavaria', so amount of money doesn't matter. I'm considering modding in a Kingdom of Bavaria, but that might make it too easy... |
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23-11-2005, 09:18
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#16 | |
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Plotting Havgard:Rävspel&Mjöd
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: At the Temple of Mombot, praying for guidence
Posts: 3,631
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Quote:
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Delende est FRA Proud owner of 3 mouldy Phoenix cookies ●●● Pathetic and Brave King of Poland in Battlefront IV - Lords of War Shifty Leader of <random/> nation in Diplomacy Universalis 1.5 Rythin, the mad warmongerer and Lurken, the semi-peaceful builder in "Lurken and Rythin in the land of sand - The wacky Mzab adventures." - it's aaalive....Well...not really. It is quite dead. Undead? Minister of Information and Groupies for OT-President rafiki ICQ: 267-216-225 The plight and return of B'mo'otm - an AAR, like I've never done before |
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23-11-2005, 13:30
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#17 | |
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Second Lieutenant
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 188
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01-12-2005, 20:19
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#18 |
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Major
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Mikkeli, Finland
Posts: 778
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Just as great as your another AAR!
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02-12-2005, 11:20
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#19 |
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General
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Tusen sjöars land
Posts: 2,173
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Go for the german throne, much more challenging.
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02-12-2005, 13:01
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#20 |
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The Grand Stratego-ist
Moderator
         
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Zutphen, The Netherlands
Posts: 20,420
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Great AAR, but don't go for the kingdom of Venice title, that is so cheaty
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If I use this color text, then I'm "speaking" as a moderator. Crusader Kings Mod's: The Alternative Scenario Setup mod and Before the Conquest. After Action Reports : Veldmaarschalk's AAR depository in the Ink Well Member of the Association of Dutch Paradoxians and the 10,000+ Posters |
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