Limisol Snicket Presents: A Series of Uneventful Fortunes

anonymous4401 said:

Humour always livens up AAR threads.

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Well...I'm screwed.

anonymous4401 said:

Well, you could add rollicking tales of world conquest, grand climactic battles, epic romance, happy children wearing pink and blue pinafores, matching hats, and trendy footwear laughing and beaming whilst skipping through Elysian fields filled with daisies, and happy, furry woodland creatures such as deer, bunny rabbits, kittens, and jive-talking dragons, all of whom occasionally break out in songs about the joy of maintaining childhood innocence and the eternally enduring power of friendship in the face of villains who never kill the good guys when they have the chance. That would liven it up.

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Not as a one-province demense with a total yearly revenue of 1/2 of a ducat. But who knows, I've done amazingly well in my past two games, so I might be able to pull something off this time.

If not, I'll aim for it being just about the very limited machinations of a power-hungry but impotent count/duke. More of a focus on marital relations and stuff. I imagine that eventually I'll be able to conquer something and start going nuts, I just need to survive the first 50 years or so. If things work out, there'll be a little variety goin' on: Starting off with a focus on the characters and their personalities and relationships, as they have little more to do other than sit on their half of the island and look at each other all day, and eventually leading to increasingly grand crusades.

I have no idea how to get into the court of Constantinople (I've only acquired kingdoms through conquest), but, hey, little expectations. I already have a few things to write about, I just need to flesh out the characters a little bit. I've switched to wine, so I'll probably last another couple hours. At least until SNL comes on; that'll surely put me to sleep.

Besides, aren't there enough AARs already about conquests and...winning...and stuff like that?

stnylan said:

Excellent introduction.

Dynastic marriages would indeed seem to be the way to go at first.

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Yeah, but in a realm of elective law, I've got other avenues too. In a couple decade, I could be a duke. But then I'll still be really poor. I'm almos to the enf of my first guy's reign, so I can't break off now to post something. Tomorrow, I swear. I think I've drank too much too. Which means just enough.

A Series of Uneventful Fortunes

Preface (pronounced PREF-ess)


The extremely uneventful story of the Chrysaphes dynasty - really, "dynasty" sounds too epic and exciting; I assure you, this whole story is quite a bore - begins when an older, bearded man appeared to me one night, right before midnight, when I had just polished off my fifth glass of Merlot and was about to go into my fifth shot of scotch. Blended scotch. Yes, I understand the single malts are more popular, but I have my way, and the universe has its own. But I digress.

With nary a "how do you do?", Isaakios (OK, he told me his name first, but that's all) started to tell me the story of his life. Strangely, he started the story on December 26, 1066, when he was already 27 years of age and had presumably been reigning as the Count of Limisol for some time. When I inquired further about his younger days, his memories of his childhood and his family, and his ascension to the (from my perspective) lofty position of Count of Limisol, he punched me in the stomach and told me to shut up and mind my own business. Possessing a tender, if ample, stomachal region, I decided that I was completely out of line for even bringing up such a thing, and I promised him that I would inquire no further. At that, he smiled at me and patted me on the head, before taking the flask of scotch I still held in my clenched hand. I suppose I had had enough alcohol for that night. Truth be told, I was more concerned with regaining normal breathing functions than in drinking anything, so I let him help himself to my scotch. It really is wonderful when two human beings can come to such an understanding as we two did that day.

Getting punched hurts!

But, I'm sure that none of you are here to hear what I have to say about the Chrysaphes family. I consider myself to be merely a facilitator - a middle man, if you will - here to clear up any parts of Isaakios' story that might, perhaps, be misunderstood. Without another word, I'll just hand this keyboard over to Isaakios himself. Oh, don't worry, he knows how to use it, I taught him earlier today, and he's a very fast learner. Just remember, if you ever get confused about anything he writes, just direct the questions towards me, and I'll answer them as best I can. Isaakios won't always be around, and when he does show up, he doesn't like to bother with other people's questions. He's a really fun guy that way, always hopping from one afterlife afterparty to another.

Oh, silly me, I forgot to mention that my new friend here is long since deceased. Of course, you probably suspected that, given that he was actually alive in 1066 and probably would have ended up dying at some point before either you or I were born. Yes, my friend Isaakios has been dead for roughly 900 years now, and I have to say that he looks wonderful! I'm sure that, in 900 years or so, I won't look half as good as he does right now, glaring at me and seeming impatient to move on. Hell, I don't think that I look half as good as he does right now...right now. That was clumsy writing, shame on me.

This is not what he looks like.

Anyway, here I go, just prattling on, about a paragraph and a half after I said "without another word". I just can't keep my promises, now can I? Isaakios looks really angry right now. I wonder if you feel the same way about this introduction as I believe he does. Oh well, it's not a very good introduction, I know, but then again, I don't consider myself to be much of a writer. Which is why I should probably hand the keyboard over to Isaakios pretty soon. You know, to get this AAR off of the ground. Especially since this isn't much of a first entry, as I'm not really getting into his story at all, I'm just talking about getting into his story --

OW!

OK, *wheeze* I'll just shut up now and hand the *wheeze* keyboard ove--


Greetings, my invisible friends! Before you stands a nobleman, a prince, no less. Yes, yes, a most handsome prince as well, right out of a fairy tale. And ever since I died, I've been quite eligible. Any ladies out there up for a bit of partying? Any ladies out there at all? No matter, there are plenty back where I came from, and I'll never tire of them, as more keep arriving every day. I'll bet all you guys out there are plenty jealous to hear that, aren't you? Yeah, well, here's hoping you end up as happy as I am in the end. Though, I have to point out, even if you do find true bliss after you die, you can rest assured that I'll still be every bit as happy as you, and I'll have over 900 years of memories on you too. Hah! Sometimes, it pays to come first.

You're probably a little curious to hear more about myself before I start telling you about my exploits as the mere Count of Limisol. Well, I'll tell you a little more, but I'm not about to waste as much time as did that ugly little whelp who stammered on for what felt like an eternity.

First and foremost, I consider myself a man who appreciates all the pleasures that life sets in front of us each and every day. The key to happiness is simply to seek out that which makes you happy, no matter how others may judge you; if they're not happy with you, it's probably because they aren't happy with their own lives. And you know what, that's their problem. There's no point allowing other people to ruin your fun, we're all individuals in the end, and we do whatever we want, assuming we can get away with it, that is. You just have to figure out how to get away with getting what you want, and not letting yourself get dragged down by anyone who wishes to stand in the way of you and your desires. It took me until well into my adulthood before I learned that.

Of course, if you're a man with as many desires as I have, it helps to be wealthy and powerful; it's not a requirement for happiness, of course, but as long as you know what you're doing, it can do nothing but help. Me? I was born poor, like most of you, I'd imagine. But I had the blood of the nobility in me, I knew that as far back as I can remember. Any time I wanted something as a young boy, I knew exactly how to get it, and from whom. Not surprisingly, the time came when I desired to seek out my true calling, that of the nobleman. It doesn't really matter how I came to acquire this station; know only that I wanted it, and, as always, I got it sooner or later. The world can never deny me for very long anything that I truly desire with every fiber of my being. I was born to be happy, born to live as only a truly content man can. So, as I required a noble title to make myself content, so one eventually fell into my grasp.

Sadly, even for a man, such as myself, who always ends up with what he wants in the end, we do not truly understand that which we desire until we finally have it. I had won for myself a count's title, and with it, the opportunity to rule the western half of the island of Cyprus, the demesne of Limisol. I had also won myself a beautiful and shapely young wife, by the name of Theofano (she didn't come with the title, I had to pursue her seperately), so you would surely think, as I did, that I would have found the contentment I had longed for since my youngest days; and for a few months, I have to say that I had. I had plenty of money to afford the finest foods, the finest wines, the finest clothes, the finest entertainment, and the finest women...that I could find on an impoverished backwater of an island.

Cyprus' beauty is, sadly, a shallow one. Certainly, the trees, the mountains, the seas, all the rest of what makes up the natural beauty of this island are pleasant enough to behold. But, as I had travelled the whole of the world in my youth, the beauty that this island offers up was not enough to satisfy me. Would you expect a man who has seen, with his own eyes, the great cities of Constantinople and Rome to be made content by hamlets such as Constantia? That a man who has travelled across the barbaric wastes of Arabia and sailed throughout the Mediterranean Sea and beyond would be at all impressed by the shores of this island? I would hope not. And there is still much of my travels that I will not reveal here, not that you would not find them fascinating, I'm sure, but I simply have no time for it. Just know that the natural "treasures" of this island do not interest me anymore.

What I craved then was more power, more wealth, and simply access to more of what I know life can offer me. My lands were poor. There was barely enough food for the peasants and townsfolk, let alone for our thrice-weekly banquets. The revenues from taxation was only enough for me to regularly import textiles and wine from as far away as Egypt and Athens, no further. The island lacked a definite sense of culture; there were no grand churches adorned with Romanesque vaulting, no great artistic institutions from where to purchase the finest tapestries and scuptures. Twice every year, I had to visit Constantinople to satisfy my desires for the truly good things in life. I had begun to regret working as hard as I had to attain my title.

But then, the strangest thing happened; one day, some day in the year 1068, I don't remember exactly, my young wife blessed me with a son. I became overtaken with joy the likes of which I had never before experienced, at least not since I had set foot on that island to claim my title. In my moment of confusion, I began to wonder from where this joy sprung forth. Was this a joy given to me special from God Himself, or is this the joy that any father, regardless of station or worth, feels upon the birth of a son? Unsure whether to name my son in honor of God, or whether to select a more profane inspiration, I selected for him the name Demetrios, both as an homage to Saint Demetrios, and to the pagan goddess of old, Demeter. That day, I felt my life change forever, and I have the birth of my son to thank for that. On that day, I began to re-evaluate my life and my earlier doubts on the difficulties I was facing with my life on the island. I decided to give it another year or two, before making any concrete decisions. And while I'm at it, to attempt to experience the joy of fathering as many sons as my wife was able (if not a few more on the side).

Now, look, I have been prattling on much as my flabby little friend had before. I had hoped to relate to you everything of importance that I had experienced during my all-too-brief stay on the island, but I suppose I should have understood that it takes many words to describe the feelings and rememberences of a man such as myself. I promise not to tease you much longer, next time I visit my misshapen friend, I shall immediately begin with a more traditional narrative, instead of taking so much time attempting to describe myself to you. I hope that you have enjoyed this introduction to my life's story, and that it has whetted your appetite for the real thing. If nothing else, I hope that, by trying to understand me and how I think, that you will not only find it easier to place my past actions, when you come to them, in the proper context, but also take with you an slightly greater understanding of how to achieve a life filled with as much happiness as my own.

Until then, my invisible friends, seek out happiness wherever you find it, and let no one deny it to you.


OK, there you have it, a tiny fraction of what Isaakios tells me he had told me before of his life on the island. Not exactly what anyone was expecting, I would imagine, but he's a little unpredictable. It must be a lot more fun that way. Anyway, before he left, he muttered something about returning in a few days, which I suppose is all well and good, as I have finals week to worry about and will be quite busy from right now until late on Wednesday evening. I'll make sure to stop on the way home that day to pick up some spirits, I suspect that might have something to do with his visitations. He's certainly making my habit a lot more expensive than it used to be - you wouldn't believe how this guy can drink - but I think it's worth it. After all, how else am I to hear the life story of a man dead for over 900 years? Surely, it must be in the alcohol.

I hope you return again later this week, when I believe that Isaakios will grace us again with his presence, and tell us about what occurred in Limisol during his reign. Let us hope that it will be a little easier to follow.


I apologize to those of you who have short attention spans and who have likely skipped to this point to see how this thread ends, but you'll really have to go back and read the whole thing if you want to know, I can't just summarize it for you.

stnylan said:

Isaakios is definitely wordy, and sounds only slightly more coherent than his skeleton. all in all, excellent first post.

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Not very coherent, is he? I'll try to mention that next time I see him. He has a rather inflated opinion of himself, which you might have noticed, but once he changes the topic from himself to things only closely related to himself, I imagine he'll settle down.

(I'm still trying to get my sea legs. I'll be a little less ambitious in my prose in the future, I'm sure.)

Part I, Chapter II - Theofano
(Concerning the years 1066-1068)


The man himself (27 at the time)


Full lips, shining hair worn long, sad eyes, and a coy smile - my first impressions of Theofano Diogenes.

I still remember how shy she was that first time we met. Not surprising, as I have to admit that hers was a common reaction among maidens in my presence. I was already 27 years of age then, and only a few weeks had passed since I had arrived on the island to seize my title. At the time, I was still quiet euphoric with my life there, enjoying near-daily feasts and festivals to celebrate the Golden Year of my ascendance. Being near-middle-aged, my advisors (who all came with the office and were not appointed by me) suggested that I take a young wife in hopes of securing my bloodline. Remembering that my noble blood was largely responsible for my life's quest to nobility, I understood the importance immediately. I had to take an attractive young wife and immediately start producing sons, it was my responsibility and duty to myself and to the Empire!

Of course, being a noble, I couldn't simply choose any young attractive woman I wanted to. If things were that easy, I knew of any number of attractive women I had encountered in my travels that would have made fine wives. No, I had to find a young woman of beauty, grace, and blood. Our treasury was at that time empty, as our tax revenues were wholly insufficient to maintain the Golden Year festivals, let alone permit me to travel throughout the Empire looking for a suitable wife. I refused from the start to consider arranging a marriage with any woman I had not even met. That's too risky, for one thing, and furthermore, I hadn't yet built any political relationships with other counts or dukes, as none had elected to attend my festivities, not even my spoiled liege from Famagusta. I figured I still had a long way to go to reach respectability in their eyes.



The stage


And so I was given the unhappy task of scouring the meagre ranks of the island's nobility for the woman best suited to become my wife. Of the near half-dozen eligible maidens, Theofano was the youngest, at 16, and so she was the one I selected. She was not an unpleasant-looking woman - shapely, well-educated, no significant moles or other marks on her skin. Probably the best I could do given the obstacles. We wed on the first day of winter in 1066. Our marriage was a successful one, and I never came to regret it. She would bear me many sons, some of whom turned out to be decent human beings.



The wife


By the summer of 1067, with the festivities winding down and the initial enthusiasm of my marriage waning, I set to work reviewing the county's finances. The island was rife with corruption, and thieves infested all of our cities. It took my marshall (whose name I cannot remember) nearly a month to rouse up his men-at-arms, most still sobering up from the festivals; some people simply cannot control themselves. With little else for my soldiers to do but clean up the banners and vomit from steps outside my royal residence, I tasked them with hunting down and destroying these criminals. It would take them over two decades to accomplish this simple task. But who else could I have hired with the money available to me? These thieves would go on to drain much of the money I needed to improve the island's condition, and, had I not been able to finally dispose of them before the end of my life, I fear that they would have gone on to plague my heirs for many years.

As I have mentioned before, there wasn't much of anything to do on this dirt patch of an island. Everytime I set foot beyond my walls, all I would see from coast to coast were peasants working in the fields, fisherman working off the coasts, and townspeople working in their little shops. No signs of life anywhere, let alone of culture. There were few nobles wealthy enough to entertain, and fewer still who knew enough of the world outside to make interesting hosts. Finding little of interest outside of the occasional romantic dalliance, I began to withdraw into my makeshift study during the day to try to entertain myself with what was considered "literature" on the island. I began to create elaborate plans of exactly what I would do to develop this primitive island. I designed churches, castles, harbors, and anything else I could come up with. One of my designs, that of a great civilian harbor I had hoped to build not far from Limisol, was so immaculately conceived that I daresay it would have become the greatest harbor in the Empire. But, as I had no money to build it, I sadly shelved the idea in hopes that my heirs might find better luck with their finances. Still, I never abandoned my plans entirely, and over the course of my life I would design many amazing things to further the culture of this backward island.



The dirt patch


It was at this time that I, understandably, began considering leaving behind my title and the island in search of the adventure of my youth, and at this time that my wife gave birth to my son Demetrios, whose presence convinced me to remain for the time being. To celebrate this joyous occasion, I organized a month's worth of festivities. My steward Sophia, a rather fetching noblewoman belonging to the Skoutariotes family (who would have become my wife had she been ten years younger), urged me against the idea, arguing that there was too little money available to throw another celebration just one year following the conclusion of the Golden Year festivals. But I would hear no argument on the matter; I ordered her to dress herself, and collect another round of taxes.



The other woman


Next: Part I, Chapter III - The sons of Isaakios and the Prima Noctae Dispute

Hey, thanks for the responses, I've been a little worried.

I feel like I've gotten Isaakios's voice down pretty good, so updates should come pretty often, at least during his reign. I've forbidden myself to play beyond, until my AAR has caught up.

stnylan said:

Being a poverty-stricken count is always 'fun'.

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Fiftypence said:

Yes indeed, very good update. That's a decent steward you've got there, should make it slightly easier to become Emperor

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He needs more than a decent steward, he needs a bigger sandbox.

Here's a little math to illustrate: 0.6 (base province income) x 140% (stewardship bonus) = 0.84 total monthly revenues, before scutage. Honestly, how can one man expect to spend all that money?

J.Passepartout said:

Isaakios is a pretty interesting guy and has gotten me reading his story quite happily.

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He appeals to man's baser instincts, you'll see.

Farquharson said:

I just discovered this thread - how did it slip past me before? - and am enjoying the Count's tale so far. I was wondering what sort of routes to Dukedom are open to you. Nearby independent Muslim sheikdoms are the obvious targets I would guess?

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Well, Isaakios has little to fight with other than his 100-man personal guard/bailiffs/janitors. Invasion is simply out of the question. Why, if a foreign army were ever to set foot on the island, he would be almost defenseless....

But he's pretty upset at his liege for not attending his Golden Year festivities, so something will have to happen sooner or later.