The (Other, other) Commonwealth - Polski AAR

[FearTheMullet]

Our tale begins in a far away galaxy…

A voice interrupts:

“Actually sir, it’s not in a faraway galaxy, science has not yet proved the existence-”

Shut up!

In a far away time, in this galaxy, there was a great kingdom

“Isn’t so far away, couple of hundred years only, also the kingdoms not that great, the populace is quite upset with – “

For the love of God man, Piss off!

“Right then.”

There lived a King, who led a glorious army and peoples. This is his story.

- Wladyslaw’s Palace, Krakow 1419 –

The young man picked up the trumpet and started to blow on the mouth piece
“Ahh, what wonderfully beautiful music, with which to awaken the King!” He thought to himself. So he blew into his trumpet and his song rang through the Halls of the palace and echoed like magnificent -

“Holy hell! What in devils name is that atrocity?” Yelled Wladyslaw.

“LUKASZ! Get your ass in here right now!”

The guard outside the door jumped turned and ran into the room

“Yes my liege, my highness, majesty and all names holy and high in this our great land.”
He fell to one knee and bowed, Wladyslaw looked upon him.

“Strange fellow”, he mentioned to himself, “Right then, Lukasz, who in gods name is making all that racket?”

“Its Pawel sir, the new recruit in the Kings Guard.”

“Well what the hell is he doing? Skinning a cat?”

“A trumpet sir.”

“He’s skinning a trumpet?” Wladyslaw looked in baffled amazement. “Why in the world would he want to skin a trumpet for?”

“No sir, he’s playing. You see, we’ve all taken up hobbies around here, what in-between the arresting and hanging peasantry for no apparent reason sometimes we need a change of pace. A little break from the hardships of life. Its not that we don’t enjoy enforcing your outrageous decrees upon our unsuspecting populace, just we need to occupy ourselves with other things.”

“Skinning a trumpet you say…” Repeated Wladyslaw, “Hang him.”

“Sir? I’m not sure that I quite follow your reasoning…”

“Follow my reasoning? Why do you need a reason, you just said you love carrying out my decrees buffoon. What’s wrong with you man? Go and hang him I say, and while your at it hang yourself too. ALSO, a couple of peasants that damn child has spoiled my day. I’m going to go now to bathe with my many mistresses and when I’ve had my fun, and come out in approximately 5 minutes I want to see you, that trumpet skinner, and 5 peasants hanging in town square.”

“Yes my liege.” So the guard marched out collected the trumpeter Pawel, and 5 random peasants. They were all trading goods at the market when they were unexpectedly snatched up, and they were taken to town square and hung. Pawel then proceeded to hang himself (a very loyal chap he was).

The reign of terror had begun. Wladyslaw Drugi (means second) the Bipolar, as he was now called, was about to unleash the most hellious hell on his people and other countries, Duchies, alliances and free peace loving nations in the region, and those not so in the region but equally as free and peace loving.

Wladyslaw exited his bath room and dressed. He promptly went for breakfast consisting of the finest cuts of meat in the land. Each slice taken form a different animal so as he could enjoy the succulence of a varied feast. At his sides sat 12 children from the local orphanage where they could watch him eat his meal. They would then be sent back to the orphanage, knowing how generous their King was in treating them to the scent of real food, rather then the orphanages straw-gruel, and potato skin soup (actually considered a delicacy amongst orphanages in the district).

He then marched off to the council room where he met with many advisors and generals and a jester (who he had hanged because he too played a trumpet, along with 5 more peasants).

“Men!” he yelled, rather un-neededly, “What is on the agenda today?”

Different nobles with different issues to bring up started speaking all at the same time in an unruly mess.

“All right now! Lets all calm down before I open up a barrel of hanging-everyone-of-you-sorry-sods in here.” He exclaimed “Let’s do this like gentlemen, we haven’t been pampered our whole lives just to act like beasts when it comes to discussing issues.”

“How is the map of Europa looking?” he turned and asked his military advisor.

“In our area it’s very German and Czech and all Hungarian looking, not very Polish. I say we make it Polish.”

“Haven’t we a claim on Gdansk in Prussia?” asked Wladyslaw.

“Yes sir we do!” exclaimed the advisor, his eyes brightened and a smile cracked on his face sending life into his dull complexion.

“God damned Jerzy stop salivating, your drooling allover my bear skin through rug.” Wladyslaw said a little disgruntled by Jerzys behavior.

“So men, I see on our last tally we have a sizeable force, much larger then Prussia’s. Our vassals Mazovia can field quite the force too I’m told. Let’s just up and declare war then?” said the King, quite casually for something so nation shaking.

“Sir, if I may interject-”

“No you may not” retorted Wladyslaw, “But you being a stubborn oaf you will anyhow.”

The man looked down offended by these harsh words, a tear left his eye. He held back a gasp, and a bit of a whine exited his throat.
“I really wish you could be more compassionate sir, you know I have feelings too.”

“I really wish, wah wah” mocked the king “Get on with it man.”

Once again the man forced back tears and another whimper exited his throat.
“I was just” he sniffed “Going to suggest, that, that we, we improve the industrial-” he sniffed and wiped his nose, his eyes were red now and he had trouble holding back the tears “We need to make more money, if, if we want, want to” The man finally caught a hold of himself, he cleared his throat “Erhm, sorry about that… I don’t know quite what came over me. Anyways we need to build manufactories to work peasants to the bone with no pay or pension or insurances of safety of any kind to feed our war machines with the necessary tools.”

“Right then, when the nation is prepared to do so, we’ll do so” said the king. “For now, everybody go to your districts and start conscripting those lazy peasants to prepare them to die for my imperialistic territory grabs against weaker nations.”

And so the Wars of Wlads IMpeialism begun.

[Farquharson]

Well Wladyslaw certainly seems like a nice, reasonable guy. I do hope he gets what he wants, because after all, being happy is what's really important in life, isn't it?

[FearTheMullet]

Originally Posted by Farquharson

Well Wladyslaw certainly seems like a nice, reasonable guy. I do hope he gets what he wants, because after all, being happy is what's really important in life, isn't it?

Very much so, and Wlad will be the happiest of happy men in the end. I jsut finished some more of my game and will post it tomroow after my band shoots some footage for our video :O!

[FearTheMullet]

Part 2

Throughout the forest hooves are heard pounding. The rider moves at a steady pace. He moves through the forest trail swiftly and accurately. Not a totally unusual thing to see, a messenger ridding through the forest. This man was heading to the Kings Palace in Krakow; he carried urgent news from Vytatus, Grand Duke of Lithuania. He entered an unmarked and unnamed village and approached a peasant.

“Excuse me sir”, said the rider “I carry urgent news for your King, Wladyslaw the Bi-polar, from my Overlord and Duke Vytatus”

The peasant looked a little confused and worried.
“What manner of beast is that you are ridding?”

“It’s a horse” said the rider

“No it’s not, it’s got horns” said the little man.

“No…” hesitated the rider “It’s a horse I say, and horse it shall be.”

Another man approached and said to the other peasant
“Michal? What is he ridding an ox for?”

“It’s not an ox!” Shouted the rider. He climbed down from his “horse” and approached the two peasants and said in a whisper:
“He’s very sensitive about his origins. He was raised by horses and thinks he’s a horse. He doesn’t know the truth, and telling him that could depress him. He’s lived a terrible ox-hood, he’s been made fun of by the other horses at the stable.”

Michal turned to his friend
“I think this whacko has been made fun of as a child two… Crazy Lithuanians”

The second peasant cleared his throat and said
“A rider from the east I see?”

“Well sir, if I may say so, Volyn is not that far east”

“Ahh yes… form the stretches of civilization, the borders of the barbaric Muscovites and inferior Golden Horde… the far east.” Said the peasant looking to the east imagining all these things he had described.
“To the frontier of Christendom, loosely held by the onslaught of unbelievers.”

“Oh for Gods sake,” Began the man but stopping himself right away changed pace “Anyway, how far is it from here to the castle of your king? And which road do I take.”

“Well you take that path” The man pointed to a path that traveled through a darker part of the wood. The rider gasped, mounted his faithful “steed” and off he went with a flash.

He traveled a good hour or two through the woods when he was stopped and approached by a group of armed nights. He dismounted and approached them.

“Hello”, he stated timidly “I am going forth to the castle of your king, to give him urgent news from Vytatus, my Overlord and-”
He was cut off.

“You shall not pass, lest you complete a quest for me
I am the master of this wood, and kings and lords to drop knee”

“Right then, so can I go through I’m in a rush.”

“No! You shall not pass. We are the nights who say ‘Nee’ and you will complete this quest for me!”

“The nights who sat ‘Nee’ aren’t they from England? Shouldn’t you be harassing Sir Arthur you dim bulb?”

“This is England?”

“No, it’s not.”

“Where are we then?”

“The Commonwealth lands of Poland Lithuania, Subordinates to Wladyslaw the Bi-Polar and Grand Duke Vytatus of Lithuania”

“Right, well it’s been real nice. When is the next trip to England?”

“In October a group of intellectuals shall be going to bask in London’s… educational opportunities, they leave from Poznan on the 21st of that month.”

“Thanks! We’re much obliged; hope to see you in fair England sometime.”

“Yes I guess so.”

So the rider rode on, and on. He reached the castle late at night and delivered his package to the king.

“Great Wladyslaw the Bi-Polar, A package form your faithful ally Duke Vytatus of Lithuania”

The king took the package, and after struggling for a few moments finally got the thing opened. He took out the contained letter and began to read.

“D-eer, Vu-La-la-dy-swav… I a-am s-send…Oh crap, where’s my reader, get me the court reader in here.”

A man entered promptly and took the letter

“Dear Wladyslaw, King of Poland. I your faithful ally Vytatus ask you to honor our military alliance and invade the heathen country of Moldavia.”

“Moldavia? Can we spare troops there? I thought we were going to invade Prussia. No fair, Vytatus got to declare war before me. That’s mean. I hope he has a revolt that crumb.”

The king stood there and looked out the window.

“Ahh, but alas, we have to invade with him. March for Moldova and Bujak. I have devised in my great mind a plan for the siege. Let the Lithuanians exhaust their armies siegeing the cities and when they will fall we shall send in our greater force to crush the Moldavians thereby giving us control of the city! Brilliant isn’t it?” He asked, but not anyone in the room, he said this too himself “Of course Wlad my boy! You’re a genius! A little disturbed and schizophrenic, but genius material!” he replied “Why thank you!” He thanked himself to the astonishment of everyone in the room.

“Hang the messenger.”

“Excuse me!?” coughed the rider “What did I do wrong?”

“Harassing the peasants with your smelly ox.” Said the king “To the town square with you! I need my daily entertainment.”

[BRAVEn]

FearTheMullet - I like this AAR!

Entertaining

[FearTheMullet]

- A Plain on the border Of Poland-Moldavia -

The fat man sat on his horse looking very amused.

"The troops go marching two by two, Hurah! Hurah!"

"The troops go marching two by two, Hurah! Hurah!"

A man rode upon a horse robed in flags, and jewerly, with a flag bearing a red background and a crowned eagle, a sword at his side and a lance in its holder, covered form head to toe in armor and cloaked with a cape. He was moving very slowly, the horse seemed to have a hard time. Halfway up the hill it started to stagger. The man dismounted and jogged up another half of the remaining distance at about 2.6m/s, he weighed with armor and sword 90kgs. THe wind pushed him down the hill with a veloc - Oh, let me just close my physics book here... So the man rode up the hill to the general still amusing himself with his tune.

"General sir! May I please discuss this battler plan with you? The men seem a little worried"

The general looked him over, rather disapointed at the question.

"Well whats to discuss?"

"This formation sir, is rather unorthodox... Marching in one long line like that is, well going to kill us all." The soldier pointed to the line of troops marching in two 1 km colums of two soldiers each.

"Nonesense! This way the battle will be easier to control and organize. Collum one attacks first, and after a few minutes collum 2, can assist her."

THe soldier looking scared started again

"Look sir I made an alternate plan, a plan where we can have the infantry move up on te left of the main force to try and draw them out and when they come out, we can hit them with our consealed cavalry thats waiting in that nearby wood."

"Propsterous! Damn man, who wears the little commander pin anyway? Me or you! Fool, back into your line, we can't let it break." The general said this as he waived his pin bearing his rank.

The soldier looked down in dismay and down the hill at the 2 lines of troops, the general started his song again and rode down the hill to his troops

"MEN! Prepare to charge the lines!"

THe soldier feeling a little dispared, had no choice but to march on. So the battle raged. It would be called in history books the Miracle of the 2 Collums. The 2nd collum got lost on the road to the enemy lines and ended up beseiging Bujak. The 1st collum defeated the Moldavian force and besieged the capitol.

A great big force of lithuanians arrived in Bujak to help the heavily fatigued Polish army. They stood there without doing anything for 12 months until the walls of the city fell, by this time the General, who didnt eat had lost all his weight as his body ate all his fat, as the first wall fell he hauled ass into the city and put up a Polish flag in the centre, much to the dismay of the Lithuanian troops who outnumbered the Polish. He mentioned something about being there first, and even though being numerically inferior his Generals pin was shinnier then the Lithuanians General adn the province was his. They had some argument but the Polish General won, threatning to Call Wlad the Bi-Polar to "Have a talk with Vytatus about an evil General in the Lithuanian ranks". Soon after, Moldova fell to collum 1. And so peace negotians were to take place.

In the capitol of Moldavia Wladyslaw the Bi-Polar, and Vytatus the Duke and Overlord of Lithuania met to discuss peace terms with the King of Moldavia. Who at this time was locked in a little cage hanging above the dinning room table in a gown to ridicule him in front of his subjects, who were also put in gowns. This was by special order of Wytatus Duke of Lithuania and Gowner of the Enemies of the Commonwealth, in retribution for the hostility Moldavia showed Polish and Lithuania forces when they tried to include her into their country.

Wlad began.

"Vity! Lets annex them!"

"Yeah youd like that, you control all their territory."

"Well of course, I'm better, I'm special."

"Just because your mentally unstable you always pull the 'I'm special' card, your not special, jsut pyschotic."

"Dont say that! Youll make him angry, the one who comes out at nite."
The king of Moldavia screamed
"Youll never take my country you bast" he was cut off though as the cage was shook by the guards hlding it up.

"Anyway, c'mon Vity lets annex him!"

"No! I'll gladly empty their treasuery though."

"Can i have Bujak? Pretty please? GImmie gimmie gimmie!"

"God man dont touch me, YOu can have Bujak."

"Yipee! WHat fun! Cous' your the best!"

"Right, but lets jsut finish this, I have problems in the North with the Teutonic Nights, they started invasions of my Northern provinces."

"Oh right, Vity, I forgot to tell you, we declared war on them a few months back and I signed you to the letter . I supose i should have given you warning, but I had to hang your messenger, he was an odd fellow."

"That was my son and heir..." Sobbed Vytatus.

"Oh damn... I thought he looked familiar...Well hot dogit, theres nothing we can do now is there?" He laughed in a distraught manner, you could tell he was worried. So the terms of Peace were brought up

The Peace of Moldova - 1421
It is hereby decreed that Moldavia shall pay to Lithuania the sum of all her liquidated assets, and 600 Cows, and 500 sheep. She will also cede to the Polish crown, Polands birth right territory of Bujak. It is also stated that Moldavia will grant millitary access to Polish troops to move into and out of Bujak to harrass the Moldavian citizens and suppress uprisings that may form, and to migrate nationalistic Poles to settle the land. Also, the King of Moldavia will wear a gown everyday as per Vytatus the Overlord of Lithuania, Gowner of the Enemies of the Commonwealth, the Heirless. All her General staff shall as well.

Signed
Wladyslaw the Bi-Polar, Heir Striker
Vytatus the Overlord of Lithuania, Gowner of the Enemies of the Commonwealth, the Heirless
King of Moldavia , the Gowned.

[FearTheMullet]

Back at the Kings Castle

The rooster cooed softly through the early hours of the morning, and the little child awoke in hopes to greet his father before he went off with the rest of the men in their little town to protest for more rights. All across the province of Wielkopolska, a great movement was seen, nobles gathered together to discuss their message to the King. They wanted more power.

A large man approached the front of the group

“Brothers! We band together on this day to march forth on Krakow and demand more decision making power for ourselves. We need this power; this country needs the input of the people. Of course by people I mean landowners, of purely Polish decant and language who come form noble backgrounds.”

“Right”

Said the whole assembly. A document was drawn up that read.

From herein the King shall recognize the power in the Sejm of the Noble Families of Wielkopolska. They shall be given veto powers over any decrees in the land and shall be able to tax peasants within their region at their amounts and only pay 40% to the king. All other nobles, in the South, West, and those in the Lithuanian Dukedom, shall be subordinates to the Noble Families of Wielkopolska and the King shall be judged on his actions by the Families. Trade routes shall be regulated by them, and production amounts, employment, and other business ventures shall as well. 80% of all income in the region shall go to the Families. If this accord is not signed by 4 days of the king receiving it, and uprising shall be had and all of Poland shall be shook by support for us.

This letter Wladyslaw received with a confusing joy, everyone in the court stood and watched as Wlad’s mouth widened to a smile and he burst out laughing as the court reader read the letter.

“Sir! This is no laughing matter!” said Michal Wodewski, the court reader

“Sure it is Michal! It’s damned hilarious! So funny in fact, I think I should like to answer them personally. Ready the troops Gen. Olecki, we have an uprising to quell,”

By this then the nobles gathered their forces, 17 000 strong, and rose all of the towns in their provinces to arms. The army was in great shape for its task, it had taken the main cites and was moving for Krakow, which was apparently empty. What the nobles could not foresee though, was a Polish army of 45000 moving through Hungary from the Moldavian campaign. These were the brutally toughened troop of the “Miracle of the 2 Columns” battle. Most of the nobles 17000 strong army had been defeated, but there were cells within the provinces of Krakow and Wielkopolska that still fought. The Nobles General Command met with the King in one of the many Churches in the area.
The nobles entered the compound where they saw the King and his advisers sitting at table. They thought they looked kind of peculiar, for there eyes seemed painted on, and their hair straw like. But nonetheless, the nobles took their seat. The first one spoke up.

“Ahem, sir, we bring these terms to the table. We can still muster more forces and therefore would like to ask for autonomy in out region. To become vassals of the crown, and not just crown lands.” He looked at the king figure just sitting there as if starring with his painted on eyes at nothing. He continued.

“Also, we would like to-” When he was cut off. Apparently the king’s head had fallen off. He got up and examined it. It felt soft. Not like skin, and it was squishy, not like bone. From this and much mental strain he deduced that the King and all other members of his advising counsel were actually dummies. He turned to his friends and said.

“I have bad news”

“The king died?” Asked a man.

“No, it appears to me, that after a close scrutiny of the king and his fallen head, that these are not men, but dummies. Dummies crafted of straw and potato sacks. This is not a peace negotiation, but rather something else…”

“A trap perhaps sir?” came a voice form the top of the church.
“Yes this is a trap.” It continued.
“A trap, a special trap our king set up for you.” The man said as he walked up to them and lit the dummies and table on fire. It burned, and they looked at him. He looked at them, and they at him. At him they looked, as he looked at them. They exchanged glances like this for quite sometime. The table finished burning. The man looked disappointed.

“Oh crap I forgot to cover the Church in oil… bummer. Well then, if you’d all take one of these then.” He said as he handed out nooses.
“Now then, follow me outside.” The men put on the nooses and followed the man outside. The king was there.

“Pawel… did you forget to put oil on the floor? It’s a good thing we had a back up plan.”

“I thought this was a peace negotiation?” asked startled noblemen.

The king looked at him and said “No, it’s an execution I must have forwarded the wrong notice to your homes… I wondered why you came so hastily to this, now I know why.”
He looked at the man who lead them out of the church.
“Pawel, grab a noose to, you failed you might as well hang with the lot of them.”

“Yes sir! Its an honor to do as you command.” Said the man.

And so the nobles were hung and the uprising finished. There would be no more power to the nobles. Wladyslaw the Bi-Polar, Heir-Striker had the decided that only he would be making the laws. Much to the dismay of every citizen and noblemen.

[JessicaL]

Hello! Is there a better seller of event tickets than ticketmaster? I really need this info..Thanks