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Excellent update. The Kingdom of Croatia is hundreds of miles away...and yet I doubt that will be far enough!
 
Shouldn't have listened to that bishop, love...

Hell, that could be a sound piece of advice for most Suenikian women!

Priceless!

Although the most interesting suspicion of an affair I had was when my second wife was rumoured to be sending a lot of time with my oldest son (from my first marriage). It was just a rumour, though. And back to the topic, what is it that makes those bishops so prone to affairs with people...
 
*The following has received the official Suenikian stamp of approval, sort of (Iain Wilson hasn't expressly forbidden me from posting it, although he probably should. Seriously.)*

Notes: Abou, naturally, is a nickname for Aboulgharib. Apart from this, the poem tries to deal with the three dominant features of this mighty ruler's glorious reign: wars, angry peasants and getting said angry peasants to use their No. 2's wisely.

“Abou” or “Why our king is much too good and great for you filthy, ungrateful mongrel bastards”

And its Abou this and Abou that
And claiming that he’s not very good in the sack
But it’s “Thank you very much sir”, “and glad to have you back!”
When those misfit, miserly Moslem Moors misingenuously attack!

And its Abou this and Abou that
And suggesting that his lovepole is pathetically short
But it’s “Trust old Abou to hold the fort!”
When those French Croats wants you tres morte!

And its Abou this and Abou that
And lying that he’s impotent
But it’s “Thanks awfully Sire, you’re heaven-sent!”
When the Syrians burn your tent!

And its Abou this and Abou that
And proposing that he should have an accident
But it’s “Oh thank you sire, we’ll all repent”
When he whips you up some excrement!

And its Abou this and Abou that
And “’es an inbred Armenian bore”
But it’s “Thank you kindly, why didn’t we think of this before?”
“We won’t just throw away our faeces anymore”!

And its Abou this and Abou that
And “’es a sentimental sap”
But it’s “Oh, he’s really the bestest chap”
When he shows you where to crap!

Or if you want to read something good instead...
 
But it’s “Thank you kindly, why didn’t we think of this before?”
“We won’t just throw away our faeces anymore”!

:rofl: very good!
 
*fanfare of trumpets*

Bravo Eams!

You are now Poet Lauerate of Suenik (however dubious that honour might be). Please, have this scroll as a token of our appreciation:

o=||==Official=Poet=Lauerate=of=Suenik==||=o

While we're at it, praxiteles can receive his long over due offical royal scribe scroll for his sterling translation work:

o=||==Official=Royal=Scribe=of=Suenik==||=o

You may all applaud now.
 
bravo eams!

You are now poet lauerate of suenik (however dubious that honour might be). Please, have this scroll as a token of our appreciation:

o=||==official=poet=lauerate=of=suenik==||=o

while we're at it, praxiteles can receive his long over due offical royal scribe scroll for his sterling translation work:

o=||==official=royal=scribe=of=suenik==||=o

you may all applaud now.

yessss :)
 
Well all is fine and dandy in the Empire of Suenik. Nothing bad could possible go wrong.....


Could it?
 
Well all is fine and dandy in the Empire of Suenik. Nothing bad could possible go wrong.....


Could it?

You've been reading this AAR for how long....? ;)
 
I say that Aboulgharib dies within four updates. How old is the old bugger anyways?
 
Is anyone getting a proper burial in Suenik?
You don't really need any graveyards since everyone goes anyway to hell.
And bishops are useless, they just consume the alcohol and make the people heretic. Invite back the Old Gods!!!
 
Is anyone getting a proper burial in Suenik?
You don't really need any graveyards since everyone goes anyway to hell.
And bishops are useless, they just consume the alcohol and make the people heretic. Invite back the Old Gods!!!

Ia! Shub Niggurah!

Is that what youre looking for?
 
I say that Aboulgharib dies within four updates. How old is the old bugger anyways?
I say 2. Maybe even next. Sueniks have a habit of suddenly dying.
 
I say our glorious Lord and Emperor lives for another thousand updates! :p

I wonder what will happen when he's gone. Either everyone will be relieved, and have a big party, or no-one will know what to do and stand around looking dazed.
 
Hah, trying to hide Croatia in France... Suenik finds it out always...
 
SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 65 - DEATH, DIPLOMACY AND DISEASE
(1166-1167)

My collection of hostages clearly impresses the Church who praise me for being a great humanitarian, rather than as a collector of human shields.

2024.jpg


I celebrate by hanging some Greeks...

2025.jpg


...something I find is always good for the soul. Nevertheless, I'm intrigued as to why my clergy are being so nice to me.

2026.jpg


Ah! That's why. The old we're-at-war-and-therefore-desperately-impoverished line... I throw them some alms and point out that although I'm in a good mood at the moment my patience isn't infinite. I think they get the message.

While I'm bickering with clerics, Krikor wraps up the war with the Emir of Amman. As a firm believer in manifest destiny the outcome doesn't surprise me.

2027.jpg


There we go! More realms coloured a beautiful Suenikian blue!

Back at home, Ruben is struggling with his speech.

2028.jpg


He can manage "Dada" for "Daddy" and "Mama" for "psychotic German bitch locked in a tower" but that's about the extent of his vocabulary. If he was my first-born son I'd be concerned. However, he's currently something like seventh in line to the throne, so even if he goes through the whole of his life only able to babble I'm sure that will serve him fine.

Hell - babbling served some of our past rulers just fine.

Who do you think he's talking about? It can't be me as I'm his father who he loved and respected not to mention one of our glorious nation's most successful monarchs.
Pah - I took the throne as a CHILD and managed to rule effectively, so he sure as hell can't be referring to me!
You say "effectively"...
Less of your cheek junior! I was the glue that held Suenik together in its darkest hour!
Really? I thought you were only saved by blind luck...
I knew exactly what I was doing! In fact...

Ia! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods With a Thousand Young!
Ah! So THAT'S who he is referring to...

I then receive this news...

2029.jpg


...which is all well and good, but there is no mention of who it is that should rightfully be added to the List. Honestly! I have a few scribes beaten - just for good measure.

Vaspurakan then gets another visitor, come to keep our old friend dysentery company...

2030.jpg


Wow - that must be a fun place to be. Am I glad my home is high in the mountains to the north? Here's a picture of just how fun Vaspurakan is...

2033.jpg

2034.jpg

2037.jpg


Fun, fun, fun. I'm going to miss my son-in-law but I'm going nowhere near his funeral. In fact, I order that his body by burnt.

You can never be too sure.

Here's a familiar sight for you...

2031.jpg


Guess what? She's REALLY good at devious, intrigue related things. Imagine that...

A few weeks later my Diocese Bishop storms out citing irevocable religious differences.

2032.jpg


Haaaaaaaaaaang onnnnnnnnnn a minute! I sacked you last year! Where exactly do you get off claiming to be my bishop?!?!? Anyway, you're Onega's problem now. I'll have my army on stand by to head there and exterminate the heretic cult that will no doubt spring up.

As this happens the final vassal of the King of Croatia surrenders to me.

2035.jpg


I wonder exactly who he rules over now? Not much of a King if all you rule over is a small patch of northern France.

2036.jpg


If I could be bothered I'd march an army over and beat him into submission, but for the meantime I let him off with a white peace. I've got his vassals after all.

To celebrate, myself and the emperor-with-a-small-e of Byzantium and I go and play with falcons again.

2038.jpg


I return and find that some other Greek, clearly impressed with my handling of birds, and Prince of somewhere I can't pronounce let alone find on a map wants to join the gang.

2039.jpg


Naturally I accept his good judgment, and as I am giving him a tour of my castle receive news that the three minor Arab Sheiks that I had decided to persecute recently have all agreed that being part of the Empire is much more preferable to independence.

2040.jpg


I also bump into someone who would scare me if she was a Gardman-Aghbania.

2041.jpg


Yes - a prodigal Mira. Be afraid, be very afraid...

So, what's next? Well, I've got a grand plan for some centennial celebrations, but until then let's content ourselves with annihilating one of the last big Emirates to the south of us...

2042.jpg


Next up - a very special celebration... Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!
 
The red is the rucksack rodent, right?

Of the ghosts, I mean.
 
I return and find that some other Greek, clearly impressed with my handling of birds, and Prince of somewhere I can't pronounce let alone find on a map wants to join the gang.

In fact I go there every summer. Great place to be. On the other hand, the strange name is really hard to pronounce, it is not used today :) .

http://www.lycianturkey.com/