Assam, part 2: Surely things can only go better from here?
When last we left Chaos and Daniel, dear readers, Daniel found himself the new King of Assam. Well, the Regent for the King of Assam. It's not the most glamorous position in the world -- it might actually be the least -- but it is, uh, well, let's just continue on, shall we?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel had been Regent for two weeks, and already he was in trouble. The Pretender's forces seemed to have no problems with his loyal troops.
Loss after loss caused Daniel to fall more and more into a depression. He'd taken to curling up and weeping after breakfast, pausing only for lunch, dinner, and occasional trips to the restroom. Once he discovered he didn't have to stop weeping at any of those times either, he was completely unbearable, not to mention his incredibly salty food went untouched.
Look, Danny, it's just your first time running a country, right? It's like the first time you engineer the destruction of an entire civilization. You're bothered for a moment that you're done with the fun part, but then you realize, hey, there are way more civilizations to destroy!
"You think I'm going to destroy their civilization?! And here I was just upset that I'd lost a few battles!"
Well, needless to say, Daniel was completely useless at that point. Chaos took over Daniel's body, but even he couldn't win any battles. By December of 1405, the rebels were running rampant over Assam. The demon briefly considered just calling forth a fireball to incinerate his enemies, which would have been good for a few laughs but would probably cost him the bet.
The worst part was that nothing else exciting was happening. Taungu got overrun by Ming, which delighted Chaos but barely registered with the increasingly catatonic Daniel.
Chaos, strangely enough, found himself reviewing the finances of the Kingdom, and realized that a grave error had been made.
Uh, Danny?
There was no response.
Daniel?
Still nothing. Chaos checked his watch (yes, he's a demon and has a watch. What of it?) and realized that the ten years was almost up. He had to pull out the big guns.
DANIEL! WAKE UP YOU SNIVELING, USELESS PILE OF PUKE!
That got a brief look up, then Daniel returned to the fetal position. Chaos sighed, and knew that the bet was almost lost already. He had nothing else for it; he had to ask for help. He snapped his fingers, and a moment later, a new voice answered.
Surrendering so soon, Chaos?
Shut it, Order. Look, this pathetic meat bag is completely useless. Can I have a new one?
The conversation, surprisingly, jostled Daniel back into consciousness. "Wait, now there are two of you? How many demons are going to fit into my head?"
Order was insulted.
I'll have you know, Mr. Carlson, I am no demon. I am one of the fundamental forces of the Universe. Show me some respect!
"Isn't Chaos fundamental too?"
Well, yes.
"He calls himself a demon; if you're the same sort of thing, why aren't you also a demon?"
He's got a point, Order-me-up-a-side-of-fries.
Order sighed.
Fine, call me a demon if you must. I'm actually a Perfect Ethereal Life Form, or PELF.
"So you eat cats?"
No, idiot. That's ALF.
"Oh, right. Sorry for interrupting."
No harm done.
Say, big guy, can we talk alone? Without the meat bag?
I suppose so. We're going to borrow your head for a minute, Mr. Carlson.
Daniel Carlson had experienced some of the oddest feelings any human being ever had. Not being privy to a conversation in his own head was the new all-time champ. He distracted himself by examining the financial records that Chaos had been looking at. Ten minutes later, their conversation was over.
Mr. Carlson, in the interest of fairness, I've decided to give Chaos here a little more leeway in dealing with you. You've really got no one to blame but yourself. Anyways, he is authorized to use electric shocks directly on your brain any time you refuse to participate in our wager. Have no fear, though, I will monitor him closely to make sure he behaves himself.
"Aren't you supposed to be Order? The forces of truth and good and beauty, and all that?"
Truth, Good, and Beauty are perfectly capable of speaking for themselves. In any case, a bet, as they say, is a bet, and the only way we can fairly determine a winner is by giving an incentive to cooperate. You want the bet to be fair, don't you?
"Well, I guess so, but --"
Splendid! I'm off to the bar now. Have a good time, lads!
At that point, Daniel felt a presence leave his head, another new and wholly unpleasant experience. Not as unpleasant as Chaos' sick laughter, however.
Right, Danny boy, no more moping around. You will run this country or I'll run 50,000 Volts through your skull. Got it?
"Won't that kill m -- AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!:
That's for calling me a liar. If I say you can't die, you can't die. Now, did you read those documents?
Daniel, extremely dizzy from the pain, replied affirmatively.
Notice anything wrong?
"No, taxes all seem to be in order, we're fiscally solvent and in prime position to pay off our loans."
Chaos rolled his eyes.
Birdbrain, look at the army's pay!
Daniel blinked for a moment. "Oh. Whoops."
Whoops is right, dunderhead. You've got them with no pay!
"Sorry about that. I'd better pay them, then."
Yes. You'd better.
Just at that moment, one of the Regent's servants walked in. "Er, my liege, the rebels seem to have vanished."
"Beg pardon?"
"Vanished, Sire. Gone. Not there any more."
"What happened?"
"I think they got bored and went home. We also got a little more stable, we're at +2, so maybe that had something to do with it?"
"+2 what?"
Just nod and agree. I'll explain later.
Daniel did as he was told. "Very well, you are dismissed, then."
The servant bowed and left.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was May 1407, and Assam had rebalanced itself. The Kingdom of Shan had signed an alliance, and turning some offices into quick cash helped Daniel pay off the Kingdom's loans.
Even Chaos was more polite than usual. He was down to fifteen insults a day, which was a new low. He'd been especially quiet. Daniel, never having dealt with small children, did not know how ominous that actually was.
Hiya Daniel. How's it hanging?
"Er, just fine. Thank you for asking."
Right. So, remember when you met that Sutamla Baruah guy, and you blacked out for a moment, but I told you it was just aftershocks from the lightning blast?
"I do."
I lied. I actually flipped him off, punched him out, and slept with his wife.
"Of course you did."
So, yeah, now he's got an army and he wants your head.
"
My head?"
Well, duh. It's not like you aren't partially responsible.
"But I didn't do anything!"
Tell him you're possessed by a demon, who's manipulating you for a bet. Maybe he'll break down from laughter.
Daniel sighed. "I suppose you're right. Let's get our brave, now well paid troops, into the field."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was March 9, 1410. Daniel's troops, with no general and in bad terrain, failed just as miserably as they had when they were paid less. Chaos crowed at Daniel's ineptitude. Daniel kept politely reminding him that the ten years were up -- had been up since October 1409 -- but Chaos, being a demon, responded to polite requests like a college student did to "Last Call!" -- he pretended he didn't hear them.
After the battle of Brahmaputra, Daniel finally found a moment to get Chaos' attention.
"Er, Chaos, I really think we must be going."
Like the first three hundred and eleven times, there was no response.
"Chaos?"
312.
"Chaos?!"
313.
Daniel knew he had only one way of getting the demon's attention, and he was fairly sure that he (Daniel) would like it far less than Chaos did.
He hit himself over the head with a rock.
Hey, Danny boy, can't a demon get some sleep?
"Demons don't sleep."
Not with that racket. So what's up, pup?
"It's time to go. Been more than ten years, actually."
Why, so it has! Time sure flies when you're having fun, eh? It'll take me about an hour to transport us to our next destination. I should warn you, this will probably hurt you more than it will hurt me, seeing how I can't really feel pain.
"I guessed as much. Where are we going?"
Zapotec. You'll love it, it's part of what you know as Mexico and Central America. Maybe we'll get to participate in a human sacrifice! I've always wanted to but never found the time.
"If it's all the same to you, I'd rather avoid that."
You have no spirit of adventure. Anyway, we're off!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two iterations this time; the result was 16, 26, 1, which spells P Z A. The nearest tag is ZAP, hence, Zapotec.
I am not, however, revealing the results of the random event draw. That will have to wait until next time!
Author's Note: I found out that for some reason, EU 3 didn't actually turn off inflation like it was supposed to. I edited it in the save game -- no harm done, since we're only 10 years in, and the AI can't screw up inflation THAT badly in ten years, right?
Right?!
Also, I've had to re-roll the random event, so to speak. I'm all for Chaos (really I am!), but the draw was 3, which would have forced me to declare war either on Maya (my ally) or Aztec (just finished a war with them, apparently). Since I'm a 2PM as it is, and I'd like to be in Zapotec longer than ten minutes, I'm re-rolling. I got a 9, which is meaningless, since boat technology does not exist for the Zapotec. I got a 3 again (man, RANDOM.ORG wants me to die!). I finally got 5, for our friend the Comet. So that will be the first thing you see when I update later this week (or probably early next week).
... 
