[The following chapter title has been redacted by order of the Conservative party.]
Chapter Twenty Nine
As Sokoto's forces continue to besiege Scotland and Ireland, many of said forces having lodged requests begging for new uniforms of a different colour so as to end the kisses and insults they continue to suffer from natives of both lands, the government is left worried upon learning that the British navy seems to have finally overcome their understandable fear of Sokoto's mighty navy. Several British ships attacking a small Sokot squadron sailing along the coast of North Africa.
Thankfully the navy deliver another impressive performance which will doubtless scare the British navy from the seas once again.
[This battle shows exactly why I ignore the naval side of things in Paradox games. I am forever forgetting about naval forces I leave in open water only for them to end up easily defeated by an enemy, as was the case here.]
Whilst unsurprisingly delighted with the navy's conduct in this battle the government remains rather less than pleased with the army, as another dismal showing is made by them during victories achieved against Britain in England and South Africa respectively.
The government rightly feeling that as the army has suffered so few casualties in these battles that truly these 'victories' are more akin to defeat.
A few days later and the government's displeasure regarding the army's recent poor performance is slightly lessened as peace is ageed with both Oranje and Zulu.
The government always enjoying the annexation of once independent nations into the tyrannical Sokot Empire. Uh, the government always enjoying the liberation of once cruelly oppressed and struggling nations into the enlightened Sokot Empire, that is.
Having thus saved two more nations from the horror of deciding their own destiny via independent rule the government is given the welcome news that some more progress has been made in the attempt to liberate some of Britain's lands, the first provinces in Scotland falling to Sokoto.
As Glaswegian residents quickly get over the gloom of their city having been captured by revelling in the news that their effiminate east coast Edinburgh neighbours succumbed to Sokot sieges more quickly than they did, the army is left horrified by the state of the troops detailed to besieging both cities. Having spent just over three months in Scotland both forces are filled with waddling, rotund soldiers displaying a distinctly unhealthy pallor, Scotland's
exceedingly healthy diet having quickly taken its toll upon all Sokot soldiers stationed there.
Whilst Sokoto's troops continue to suffer dreadfully in Scotland, their waistlines expanding nearly as quickly as they gain black eyes from repeated kisses delivered by locals, the government is given some hugely troubling news from Sokot Spain.
The army delivering another woeful performance in the battle of Caceres, having decimated Portugal's army whilst suffering minimal losses. Thankfully as the officer in charge of the battle, Baba Kabe, is the nephew of the great Kumbari Kabe, the government is able to hide this shocking result from the public as Kumbari quickly writes a poem in honour of the battle in a desperate bid to protect his nephew's reputation.
Of the battle of Caceres listening to Portugal's lies I would not recommend,
It is Sokoto and not Portugal for whom far more soldiers met their end,
The brilliant Baba Kabe we must thus commend,
Of the frightful Portuguese forces he had to contend,
His forces to victory he nonetheless did send,
To a most brilliant victory of which I have now penned,
Glorious the number of Sokot men with wounds which now must mend,
And so too the countless numbers which now ascend,
This my view as someone wholly neutral and impartial upon which you can depend,
Truly Kabe is a most brilliant leader as I am sure all now comprehend.
With Sokoto's delighted public now convinced that Baba Kabe is a modern day Alexander the Great following publication of this poem, the government is given yet more welcome news as the academics report that research into 'Iron Breech-loaded Artillery' has come to an end.
Although the academics had originally been ordered to complete research of a 'Deep Defense System' next, this was changed mere days later after Sokoto's close ally, Argentina, offered to aid Sokoto in the research and production of a new and improved type of cannon. The resultant breech-loading model, for which Argentina carried out the bulk of the research and production, is proving a highly lethal new addition to Sokoto's arsenal. Lethal to those operating the cannon that is, the new model having even more of tendency to explode randomly than its predecessor. This quite surprising, it almost as if Argentina's insistence upon creating the new artillery from mud, spittle and leaves was a cunning ploy to cause Sokoto casualties.
The academics next begin research of a 'Deep Defense System' once again following repeated demands from Sokoto's brave officers for such a defence system. The current war with Britain having proven to the officers the great need for a defence system which allows for them to cower, uhm, courageously defend forts lying many miles from the battlefield, deep within friendly territory, whilst valiantly directing matters from afar.
[As stated in chapter twenty seven I did originally begin researching the 'Deep Defense System' technology but I changed research to 'Iron Breech-loaded Artillery' after a few days. I simply forgot to correct my notes, hence my confusion when writing the updates!]
A few days later and the government is informed of an enemy landing upon Sokot shores. Finally the dreaded time has come, it seems that at long last Britain has made use of her large navy to begin amphibious landings. Considering the size of the British navy and the boundless opportunities open to said navy with regards to Sokoto's long, mainly undefended coastline, she could well wreak havoc upon Sokoto by landing troops wherever she pleases. The fearful government reluctantly ask where Britain has made her landing.
Oh. It is not Britain but instead the noted naval power of Venezuela which has made a landing in Sokot Greece with a whole nine thousand men. A whole nine thousand reservists who are still not yet at full morale. A whole nine thousand reservists who are still not yet at full morale and who have been dropped off next to similarly sized Sokot force which is more than ready for a fight. Clearly it is only Britain's allies, such as Venezuela, which can match her brilliance in the field of strategy.
Whilst the desperately panicking government begins pleading with Britain for peace, desperate as they are to stop the Venezuelan juggernaut, they are given yet more devastating news a few weeks later.
Thankfully the brilliant Kumbari Kabe does leave to a grieving nation one last poem which is widely considered his best work. It simply strange that said poem had been held by a close friend of his, only to be published in the event of any suspicious circumstances surrounding his passing.
[A portion of the following document has been redacted by order of the Conservative Party.]
If you are reading this I am now dead,
My life has come to the end of its thread.
Should my passing seem at all mysterious,
Read on to learn of facts which are most serious.
I have dirt on all of the government including the Prime Minister,
Most of this information really quite sinister.
Of the Prime Minister I need recount,
That countless times he has
stolen money from the treasury for his offshore bank account only done what is best for the nation.
The following may well sicken,
As I am afraid to say that
the finance minister enjoys bedroom activites involving large bowls of cream, several slabs of butter and a rubber chicken I have run out of superlatives with which to describe the finance minister.
For the cabinet I can detail far more,
So much in fact that it would likely bore.
Suffice to say never again vote Conservative as they are a corrupt and wicked organisation,
They deserve nothing but obliteration By which I mean always vote for the wonderful Conservative party as they are the most democratic and fair of all political organisations.
As the nation is thus scared by an attack from the mighty Venezuela and left distraught following the passing of the much loved Kumbari Kabe, the government is given yet more worrying news a mere month later.
Doubtless knowing that Sokoto is busy desperately mobilising all of her forces to deal with the great threat posed by Venezuela, Britain has finally made an amphibious landing. In a stupendous move which leaves Sokoto's army marvelling once again at the intelligence of British strategy she has landed a considerable force in northwestern Sokot Spain. Indeed, so large is the force that it is currently suffering from attrition as the mountainous territory of La Coruna is unable to support so many men.
A few months later, and with the British force in La Coruna having suffered further from attrition, the full brilliance of Britain's attack upon Sokot Spain is finally made clear.
In deciding against an attack upon one of the many barely defended coastal provinces in the Sokot Empire, and having also decided against attempting to rescue mainland Britain from Sokoto's besieging forces, Britain instead wisely landed her men in a position where over one hundred thousand Sokot troops are currently stationed, said troops having emerged victorious from crushing the army of Britain's ally, Portugal, mere months before. That this British force has little by way of artillery, and no naval support whatsoever, makes it abundantly clear that this cunning attack was meticulously planned. The Sokot army is simply hugely relieved that Britain has made one slight blunder in assigning the lacklustre General Havelock to the command of this attack rather than the brilliant Seymour.
Whilst Britain unsurprisingly struggles under the inept leadership of Havelock at La Coruna the government is given some reasonably good news.
As hoped Somaliland is home to a number of fancy dress shops, these the breeding grounds for the extremely rare 'panther' armed with artillery, said panther looking surprisingly like men dressed in suits. Normally discovery of such rare creatures would lead to Somaliland becoming a popular destination for safari trips, but alas there is a
slight problem which is preventing such trips.
With Somaliland now colonised the government is given the welcome news that France has been spotted colonising yet more of Africa, a French colony in East Central Sahara having been identified. Upon learning this the government quickly give the order for Niger to be colonised so as to give Sokoto a point from which to invade this French colony at a later date. Uh, upon learning this the government quickly give the order for Niger to be colonised so as to protect this isolated French colony from potential warmongering nations such as Venezuela, that is. Doubtless France is delighted to gain such protection from her great friend Sokoto.
As colonisation of Niger begins the government is given a worrying report from the army.
A small British fleet has been spotted off the coast of northwestern Spain, it likely that Britain is sending men to reinforce her struggling army in La Coruna.
The Sokot army need applaud this clever move from Britain, Sokoto's troops currently battling in La Coruna will need to be careful as these reinforcing men could well tip the balance in Britain's favour.
Ah. Instead of reinforcing her beleaguered army in La Coruna Britain has instead wisely opted to begin a new battle in neighbouring Vigo with a small demoralised force which is without cavalry or artillery. The small force does at least enjoy the brilliant leadership of General Fairfax who is skilled in the art of being unfit for command.
Britain's cunning attack upon Vigo is somehow defeated over a week later.
This victory bringing with it the end of the cautious politician Usman Kabe's political career, voters never willing to support a man who suffers so few casualties.
Just over a week later Sokoto emerges victorious at La Coruna.
It hugely surprising that Britain's stupendous strategy of landing a few thousand men mere miles from over one hundred thousand Sokot veterans, then leaving said men entirely stranded without naval support or reinforcements, has proven a bad idea.
Turning from matters of war to domestic concerns the government is given some worrisome news.
Naturally for a government which supports equality and democratic freedom the Conservative party deal with this delicate issue fairly by instantly dismissing the notion of giving women any political power whatsoever. The party coming to the understandable conclusion that it is quite bad enough that the common riff-raff now have the vote without women too becoming enfranchised. That is until the grandmothers of several cabinet ministers receive letters from the suffragettes whereupon the government hastily give their support to this issue. Embarrassing backtracking far preferrable to suffering the ire of angry grandmothers.
A day later and the government hurriedly pass further political reform.
In doing so the government show how committed they are to furthering democractic freedom within Sokoto. It does not show that the government quickly passed this reform out of a desperate desire to appease the still suspicious grandmothers of several cabinet ministers who remain irked at the government's previous position with regards to female voting rights.
As Sokoto has become an ever more democratic nation following the passing of countless political reforms, this clearly shown by the fact that the Conservative party rightly continue to dominate Sokot politics, understandably never polling less than ninety nine percent of votes, there is little surprise when the government announce that the constitution has been extended, Sokoto now a constitutional monarchy.
The government able to gain these concessions from the Sultan as he has long since abandoned Sokoto, for some reason favouring life abroad as opposed to living in so pink and incompetence obsessed a nation.