The Queen Mother's Diaries: A Ming AAR

1563-1567: In which peace and quiet is hard to find

27 September 1563



I want my very own war ... these are my diaries ... I'm in charge of what happens

17 January 1564



In preparation for MY war I have been training the peacocks to drop burning peaches ... the local villagers are such numpties.

I mean what idiot sees a burning peach flying across the sky and thinks its a comet?

23 January 1564



More nimby [1] villagers objecting to my rigorous peacock training programme

6 May 1564



I have convinced Youjian that the next time he visits Nepal is at the head of an army of my special Peacocks

[H – aye, the lad does need his head examining]

7 June 1564



Now the peacocks are war ready I have to calm them with special music

26 September 1564



oh squeel, dance, we're almost ready ... my very very own war

28 September 1564



ah yes, my war, mine ... nothing to do with those two brutes ... all mine



oh

[H – ready]
[A – of course]
[H – ok lets go]

24 November 1564



well hello boys, what nice uniforms you have ...

2 March 1565



[H – right, thats her distracted, now where were we?]
[A – oh, that hurt]
[H - sorry]

2 August 1565



This is nice, a gentle place where those of a refined nature can sit and contemplate the finer things in life

27 September 1565



[A – heh not so rough]
[H – you started it]

Oi, this is MY war

20 January 1566



Oh people are so happy with me ... everything is going just so well

8 May 1566



[H – got you]
[A – I thought we said no gouging?]
[H – why?]

15 June 1566



my nice refined, decent, perfectly justified war has ended in complete victory

2 October 1566



[H – Am I not the winner around here]
[A – for once, maybe]

8 October 1566



[H – ok quits for now?]
[A – why not, see you again soon?]
[H – of course, hugs & kisses xxxxx]

10 January 1567



To acknowledge my brilliant victory, Youjian has agreed to build special hutches for my poor injured peacocks

19 June 1567



Oh, Youjian is such a softy really, its always good to see one of these emperors making suitable arrangements for the day they meet the last peacock ... or have their final peach ... or drink that last cup of tea.

[1] – Nimby – Not in my back yard, ie people who complain about development anywhere they happen to live

Stuyvesant said:

Sounding a little bit petulant there, maybe?

Good war and much more an across the board victory than the previous one (which you won, yes, decisively, yes, but oh those poor Chinese peasants, left behind to fertilize the fields and jungles of Southeast Asia...). I must say, however, that Harry and Astarte's exchanges are disturbingly ambiguously worded... What exactly are they doing? Wait, no, I don't want to know. I might learn something I really don't want to know. Sometimes, as H. P. Lovecraft observed, ignorance is bliss...

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well these are her diaries and she is being ignored ... though that is about to change

as to H&A, who was it who said that warfare was merely a continuation of a love affair by other means? Must have been in those bits of SunTzu that everyone overlooks

Fyregecko said:

Quality. And excellent use of 'numpty'. Under-used term of abuse.



Would it be crude to point out that the QM clearly loves The Koch?

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In my last Rise of Prussia AAR, I was dead proud to describe a rather chaotic battle as a right stushie.

Given how mountainous Koch is ... the QM's real interests are somewhat obvious?

Stuyvesant said:

Crude, yes (but kudos for doing it in a restrained manner ). Still, it might be a very relevant observation. I'm sure Sigmund Freud would approve.

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So restrained I'm sure no one will make the connection ???? :blush:

morningSIDEr said:

Surprising to see Harry actually enjoying some success over Astarte for once! Very good going against Vijaynagar, they don't seem nearly so worrisome a foe anymore. I'd stongly suggest keeping the QM as far from the Brits as possible, otherwise things will likely prove very messy! Although I suppose she need be given something to do, continuing to ignore her will likely prove no less messy.

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Ah she's just about to take on the role of smoozing the Brits for the good of China ... a girls got to do what a girls got to do.

But yes Vijanagar are on their way out now, its clear they can't pay their army so the loss ratio in the battles is much more in my favour, but it will be a long time (since I never really have valid CBs) before I've taken all I want

1568-1575, Youjian serves China well and is rewarded with a peach

22 January 1568



Now I'm in charge, we are going to have some peace and quiet around here

[H – heh, I've been thrown in jail]

4 December 1568



I have ordered the army to improve

7 March 1571



And we are going to be nice to our neighbours from now on

29 October 1571



Oh, yes, proper recognition for my magnificance

23 January 1572



And no one will ever appreciate (or know) the things I do for China

[H – oi, I'm still your editor, write it down properly, it may boost the sales]

26 January 1572



Quiet and efficient thats me

4 April 1572



oh yes, am I not the supreme diety around here

23 May 1572



Oh am I so good ...

27 October 1573



So easy to like, I even get on well with the foreigners

3 January 1574



Such a quiet civilised new year, just me and the peacocks, nothing to disturb the calm

[A – where's Harry?]

Not available I've taken charge

27 January 1574



My new "Order of the Golden Peacock" was such a success, everyone wants a title now

11 May 1574



I have given the British special access ... I hope they do not abuse this

24 February 1575



Under my guidance, this war is being run on modern lines

[A – and its a lot less fun I can tell you]

17 May 1575



Another efficient victory

[A – you know, this is getting boring, I hate to say this ... but I'm missing Harry]

16 June 1575



This is so easy when there is no needless interference

21 June 1575



hah, all my enemies cower beneath my glory

[A – but we used to be such good friends]

30 March 1576



18 May 1576



After our glorious victory I went to see Youjian with the ceremonial peaches. He seemed happy to accept my advice that it was time for a change at the top

[H – you're damn right there ... now let me out]
[A – yes, let him out ... did I really say that?]

aldriq said:

She should know, they are all scenarios in which she invariably seems to be present...

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aye you could say she has certain specialities ... which of course does leave her vulnerable to being framed?

Stuyvesant said:

Well, isn't the Queen Mother all focused and effective all of a sudden, if she's pis... piqued enough. There are three things vying for the top spot on my list of amazement: 1. How come QM pulled her act together so thoroughly? I've never seen her so in control... 2) How did QM manage to lock up Harry? Astarte managed to kick him out of Hell, but even she didn't manage to actually incarcerate him. 3) What is wrong with Astarte? Not only does she miss Harry (which I can sort of understand - you need to have some kind of foil/adversary when you're the kind of character that Lady A is), she actually wants him out of jail?

I am left with a profound sense of confusion.

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Well its the typical (at least for me) wars between bigger powers in EU3. I tend to find the first, I'm often glad to escape with a stalemate, the second I tent to win, but get very little real gains and then each subsequent war is that much easier (I guess as the AI fails to recover from a defeat, esp if you empty its coffers at the same time). The other way to see it is that Astarte & Harry do rather know each other while the QM is still a bit of a new entity in their ongoing games

Malurous said:

Funny how things suddenly start going so smoothly when Harry is out of the picture.

Oh, and I loved "Order of the Golden Peacock"!

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that is so often the case, he takes the Lord of Misrule bit very seriously ... and the Peacock decoration seemed so appropriate

1576-1586, Zhengtong ends up leaning too far to the West

1 December 1576

Zhengtong knows how to treat a lady, we had a fun party launching peach stones at the peasants



2 February 1578



Since we started bombarding them with peach stones, the peasants have become so much more efficient

28 February 1578



Oh yes, oh yes, oh Yes ... Am I not the Queen of the West and now Zhengtong has turned everything to face to me ... hah none of that silly stuff in the East from now on, as they say 'the (Queen Mother of the) West is the Best'

2 March 1578



Got back from playing with the new machines for baking and throwing peach stones to find out that Zhengtong has gone and recruited even more boring bureaucrats. I become suspicious.

3 April 1578



I have had to tell Zhengtong how displeased I am, he invited me to see his new military tool and it does not make exciting noises while throwing peaches at the peasants. He should know by now I am only interested in even bigger bangs.

11 June 1578



Zhengtong has tried to make things up with me, I will be in charge of the new University. To make me feel important he has suggested it will have 2 medical schools rather than just the usual one.

16 July 1578



Silly peasants have started complaining when I shoot at them with peach stones, have they no appreciation of why China needs to embrace me ...

2 August 1580



Zhengtong really is the most boring Emperor for so long

5 May 1581



I like Zhengtong, he has given me an even bigger peach stone thrower

2 February 1582



Now I have a really big peach thrower, I have decided to forgive Zhengtong, he really is such a nice considerate person

14 June 1583



I do hope these new schools will teach the peasants the difference between a flaming peach stone and a comet

9 February 1584



Hah, I knew that Zhengtong was not to be relied on


27 April 1586



Oh, and no it wasn't me

[H – right, I'm back, pity about Zhengtong but he was just too fixated with our lady of the West]

Ah, you're back

[H – yep, tell you what, Zhengtong just couldn't hold his tea]

Oh, this means I'll get the blame

[H - yep, quite likely]

ncm said:

The psychotic narration of the Queen is hilarious, satircal and addictive. Looks like the eunuchs have had their powers emasculated for now, though the peasants must learn of the peach projectiles!

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Well if you were immortal and having to watch people make a mess of things, I'm sure we'd all be grumpy (whether quite that grumpy is another question).

I've got the sliders relatively well balanced now (prob a bit against the bureaucrats as I've been setting it up for westernisation (they suffer under free subjects & Innovative), but I'm very vulnerable to an emperor with unbalanced stats, this one is going to have the Temple faction in power for his entire reign unless I get very lucky with events, but the Eunuchs do make a come back under a later emperor ... when we have the disturbing sight of Ming-Australia

Avindian said:

I shudder to think how big your stab costs must be, with or without mandate of heaven

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Without the mandate, each level takes about 15-18 months (& that is with no investment anywhere), this is part the reason why I've not been too interested in low value provinces and have often chosen to vassalise rather than conquer. It gets worse when you remember that if the Bureaucrats are not in power, I can't build anything, so I can't even reduce the costs by ensuring every province has a temple. With the mandate its about 10-12 months, but I usually take it a bit easier so it tends to take 2-3 years depending on my priorities. I have a level 6 artist almost all the time.

Stuyvesant said:

The Queen Mother as a gun fetishist... Every time a new facet of her personality is revealed, I am amazed.

Quite the move to 'westernise' into the Muslim world (yes, I realize that's not what it means, but it looked funny enough to me to mention). The stab cost increase sound horrendous, though. And you're saying you want to do another round of this? You must have a stronger stomach for endless rebellions than I have...

Good to see that Harry has escaped from his confinement and has spite-killed the latest Emperor. If the Queen Mum doesn't get them, then Harry or Astarte are waiting in the wings, it seems. Has any Ming ruler died a natural death in the last few centuries? Nice of Harry to frame the Queen Mother, it's only fair, payback's a b... But let's see how well things work out for Harry. Given his track record so far, 'not so hot' seems a safe bet.

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I'm coming to see her as a bit of a pyromaniac to be honest, she seems to have quite a taste for putting things on fire and then flipping them into the air. The knock on costs of westernisation makes me unkeen to do too many, once I get to Eastern the relatively decent tech rate + the neighbour bonuses makes full westernisation a waste of time, so I leave it at that, but I do decide to reform the army as the late game Chinese units are pretty rubbish compared to the Europeans.

Harry is, briefly, on the verge of one of his successful periods, till he falls asleep on the job.

morningSIDEr said:

A cracking couple of updates. I'm still not quite sure what is the more strange, the QM proving reasonably competent in rule or Harry being required to provide some normality to proceedings. Great that Ming has begun westernising, although perhaps not all too great considering it does bring her ever closer to the QM, I'm not entirely sure west is best in such a situation. The effort to keep Britain on side seem to be working at present, doubtless they are cowed by the deadly peach throwing cannon the QM loves!

Now though I think Shaowu should spend a great deal of one-on-one time with the QM, preferrably with peaches and peacocks constantly on hand. He hasn't quite got the administrative qualities Ming currently needs, thus if an 'accident' was to befall him, it would be no terrible thing.

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Given that Yiping is a lot better ruler with a better balance of stats, you can rest assured that trying to kill Shaowu will become a key focus of both of them soon enough, he proves remarkably unresponsive to their plans though.

aldriq said:

Those poor peasants had to endure a hail of peachstones, but the middle kingdom seems safe again – from a stability point of view, not from the peach-slinger

Will the new emperor's stats favour the Temple faction enough to go for India again?

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Oh India is very much going to be my punchbag for a while now. Burn down the infamy, start a war, take a couple more provinces and force some more releases, repeat ... will be the main goal for a while, well it would be apart for a small accident with the French ...

1586-1592, Shaowu forgets to send the letters to the French

27 April 1586



Had pleasant day using the new cannons to throw peaches for the peacocks

[H – had pleasant day thinking about the next war with Vijayanagar]

2 November 1586



Oh, nobody told me, I had better go back to Nanjing before anything happens

[H – I am going to enjoy this ... coming to get you ... ready or not]

6 December 1586



Who agreed to this, I must speak to Shaowu at once

[H – hah, hah, got you]
[A – Harold, this is quite despicable, I'm just not ready for this sort of thing]

11 January 1587



Good thing I am back in charge, well if I am so busy keeping the English happy, then 'Harold' can make himself useful by smooching the French

[H – sorry, busy, busy, busy at the moment]

19 June 1587



[A – oh, Harry, I'm so impressed with your new big guns]

Oi, they are MY big guns, I am the owner of the big bangs around here

29 November 1587



Well, yes, Shaowu certainly can deliver a big bang when he wants

[A – yep, quite impressive]
[H – oi this MY war]

But its MY diary

22 January 1588



Seems that Astarte is making friends with the French, do hope that Harry is making sure they like Ming too ... I am still doing my bit with the British

[H – aye, I'll get around to it, just rather busy at the moment]

8 December 1588



I am quite disappointed with Astarte, seems as if she has no staying power

24 January 1589



Oh, am I not quite the genius, nothing can go wrong now

[A – ok, Harry you win]
[H – snooze ..............]

20 February 1590



Oh, Shaowu is so touchy, all I said was the victory was down to my brilliant guidance and he got so upset. He then accused me of killing Zhengtong with tea leaves. So unfair, and no one can find Harry so I had to take the blame for that too.

[H - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

16 February 1592



Oh people just are so impossible, why can't I export my new experimental peaches, they are just the thing for hurling at peasants. I am going back to my Palace, since I am no longer appreciated here

[H - zzzzzzzzzzzzz]

16 August 1592

Ummh, must remember to check that Harry has remembered he has to be nice to the French. It would be disastrous if he told his joke about Joan and the matches.



[H – ohhh, feel better for that, always need a good nap after a tussle with Astarte, now what was it I was meant to do? ... Oh well can't have been important]

[A – serves you two right]