The Glory that was Dulkadir - A Tale of 1001 Enemies

[Shaytana]

Warning: this is not a particularly well played game or an exceptionaly disastrous one, this is merely the story of an eccentric half-crazed Sultan who got bored watching the sheep outside of his hilltop palace and decided to conquer the world... or at least try to.
So on to part one of the most wool intensive Odissey in history.

The Glory that was Dulkadir

Part One - The fine art of making enemies and alienating your friends, or the story of Muhammad Beg and his 1001 enemies.

Chapter 1.

Let me introduce myself, I bear the Prophet's name, Muhammad and I am the ruler of the mighty kingdom of Dulkadir, the One True Center of the Earth. My story is a long and terrible one, like the sands of the Sahara, and this magnificent story starts in the Christian year 1419. Why does it start then and not earlier, you ask? Well, to put it simple, that was the year I got tired of watching the sheep outside my palace. A ruler watching sheep, you ask? No, it is not a joke but a most important lesson, for the sheep are the best teachers of all, for what is man but a sheep in a wolf's clothing...take away his clothes and you can be his shephard.
Err...yes...where was I? I tend to wander in old age, for age makes one a true traveler upon the seas of time...and I also tend to get lost but bear with an old man, for the wise hold the wisdom to use the fire of the young.
So, the year was 1419 and Dulkadir was mine to rule. Since I had decided sheep weren't of interest anymore I had to take some measures to insure my mind stayed ocupied, and thus satisfied, for a mind with nothing to do is often beset by the worst of evils. So, I started recruiting some armies, and increased my power over my realm. Days went by and soon the months flew into memory as my army was growing stronger.

To the West the Turks were ocupying themselves with minor wars and that was just the oportunity I was waiting for. Why not attack the Christians of Trebizond to the North you ask? Well, my boy the first lesson of politics is never strike at a stranger. If you can strike, strike at your brother, since you know what to expect from him. Crushing your friends first is always the best way of making sure they never become your enemies.
So, I saddled my mule (for in those days I had a fancy for riding those inferior animals) and went to war against my brother in Islam, the Sultan. This was happening around march 1420(I use the Christian calendar just to spite my Muslim brothers) if memory serves, and it is around that time that the siege of Angora began.
Now, this siege taught me many things, including the fact a siege is never won by the strength of your troops, but rather by the enemy's unwillingness to fight. So, if you ever happen to siege a city remember my advice: just sit there outside of the enemy's range and look pretty. No, I mean look gorgeous, and make them think you are going to come on them and crush them with your holly anger when all you want to do is dally a bit with your traveling harem. No need for heroics, heroism is for fools and Christians, and I am not quite sure if the two are not the same thing. So, I sat there on my mule looking gorgeous and about a year later the locals decided I was just too beautiful and had to see a close up of me and so they opened the gates and let my army in. Oh, what a joyous day that was, the Prophet must've been proud!

But I couldn't rest, for a great man never rests while he remains alive. Rest is the domain of the insignificant and of the dead. So, we were off to Anatolia, and the sieging business again. Sometime during the siege, a delegation of nobles from the North of Dulkadir came and tried to make me sell them some offices. I can't remember exactly what they wanted I only know I dealt with them in the proper manner - I had them executed. Why you ask? Then I shall answer. Never give something to someone who will pay for it, that means they are not strong enough to take it themselves and thus unworthy to own it in the first place. A dead noble is better than a living one in almost all respects, as long as he doesn't have relatives, so the prime task of a ruler is making sure a dead noble has no relatives left alive. Firstly it aids centralizing your realm and secondly it decreases the pool of potential enemies. And the most important fact of all, you get both their sheep and their women.

After taking Anatolia, we marched upon Smyrna, due to some most unerving circumstances. You see for some reason known only to Allah, the province of Kastamon was enshrouded in a white fog and my superstitious troops refused to enter it. While normally I wouldn't let them indulge in their superstitions if I could help it, this was a special case where I had to give in. I charged astride my mule many times towards the blasted fog but to no avail, I could not pass through. It was like hiting an invisible wall over and over again and because I happen to be a masochist only rarely and only while visiting my harem, I decided to abandon the cursed province.

Smyrna fell sometime in 1422, as the Turks were concentrating their armies to fight the Christians to the North and I had marched through their Eastern realm virtually unoposed. Woeful in all respects of strategy this Sultan...I still can not comprehend why he let me trample his Eastern provinces without as much as a token show of resistence. Allah must have taken his mind, some of my nobles thought, and I had to execute them for it for this blasphemy bellitled my achievement. Now, the problem before me was a rather unexpected one. With the blasted fog in Kastamon keeping me from taking that province, I had nothing to do but stare across the waters of the Bosphorus at the golden domes of Constantinople, for you see I knew I could not declare war upon the Byzantines and they kept refusing me access through their realm. I felt like a caged lion with nothing to do but think of the meat outside his cage temporarely beyond his grasp...but a caged lion is a lion still, and the sheep must beware for no cage lasts forever.
During this most frustrating of times, I heard rumours of a great thinker having set up residence among the sheep in my bucolic Dulkadir, and the rumors were confirmed as some of the more religiously idealistic fools I have the misfortune to have as subjects tried to make me put an end to his ideas. You see my boy, thinking is a most potent weapon, and most of men live their lives unarmed. Sharpen your mind and no shield of steel can withstand you.
So I decided to let this thinker, Ali by name, continue with his philosophizing among the sheep, as I had heard he had taken a fancy for teaching them the arts of reason. Trying to reason with sheep is always the philosopher's curse I'm afraid, but that is another matter alltogether.

So back to that small matter of my war with the Sultan. While looking over the pond at Constantinople, I felt a terrible homesickness and I missed my sheep as a man misses his soul once he sold it. Oh to be in Dulkadir once more and forget all this nonsense I had to put up with from those idiots in Constantinople, for only idiots manage to lose parts of their Empire, Great Men either do not lose anything or they lose it all. The measure of greatness is the all or nothing attitude.
Now, while I was thinking of sheep, the Sultan was clearly thinking of peace so he sent me a delegation of eunuchs with an offer of peace giving me the province of Angora...too bored to pursue the matter any further, and too much a humanitarian to consider executing eunuchs, I accepted the offer, sadled my mule and off i went back to my palace in Sivas to be hailed as a conquering hero...As a Frenchman might one day say, glory is fleeting but obscurity is forever, and I was on my way to become a most glorious figure, or so I thought.

(Tremble in despair world, for the Lion of Dulkadir is coming!)

[Shaytana]

Please tell me if you liked the style of this AAR and if I should keep it up. Part 2 would continue the Misadventures of Muhammad Beg as he tries to take on the world (with various degrees of success) and would also mean screenshots (as I have a host of them alas only after 1448 when I remembered to start taking some)
Any suggestions, comments, criticms, are appreciated. I'm not sure yet if i should continue this so do tell me your opinion.

[The Danish King]

I like it very much, but I guess thats just me.

Keep up the good work!

[Shaytana]

thank you Danish King Your praise pleases the Great Monarch of Dulkadir, he might spare Denmark in the future

[The Danish King]

he might spare Denmark in the future

Hah....HAHA.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! TAKE DENMARK???!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

*snort*

[HITO]

Bwhahahahahahahahaha.......... when i take over denmark we will take what is right fully ouers!

[The Danish King]

Bwhahahahahahahahaha.......... when i take over denmark we will take what is right fully ouers!

Beer and girls?

[Shaytana]

Chapter II - A time for Heroes and their Mules


Now, where was I? Oh, yes I remember now, I had just returned to Sivas and my sheep. Oh what a wonderfull time I thought lied before me...but as the curse of rulership would have it, it was not to last. You see the small Kingdom of Trebizond to the North, although ruled by misguided Christians was one of our momentary friends, for there is no such thing as eternal friendship...and the marauding Georgians to the North happened to conquer it...I do not know how for I was busy looking gorgeous in front of some besieged Turkish city at the time. So, a few Trebizond nobles came to me petitioning to help them retake the kingdom from the invaders...and like a good neighbour I told them I would oblige them.

Of course my boy, one of the lessons one must learn when young is that you should never do something for others...helping others is a sign of weakness and stupidity better left to idealistic fools. On the other hand, appearing to be helping others while you help only yourself is the first step on the path to greatness.
Remember this young one, greatness is achieved by those who do it all for themselves while the world thinks they do it for others.

So, of course my armies entered Trabzon, in order to ahem... "liberate" it. A small Georgian army happened to be in the province at the time, so I had no choice but to give battle. You see my boy, fighting battles is not. contrary to what the masses expect, the way to build an empire. Battles result in a) casualties b) waste of precious time c) they tend to dirty my clothes. So what are battles? Simply put - a waste of money. All the taxes that went into training troops, planning and beautiful clothes are wasted for nothing better than the fact a Christian dandy decides to charge heroically in the midst of your troops and start hacking heads...with the end result of having his own head mounted on a pike. Such is the foolishness of those they call warriors, for being a warrior and a fool must be one and the same.

Never let a brother live when you can have him dead - one of the greatest truths of this world. As I was spreading the glory of Allah fighting the Georgian infidels, our brothers from Karaman and Teke decided to prove my point and started to hit us from the South. This most predictable offensive was happening around June 1428, and it is then I learnt another one of the great lessons of rulership - never fight an enemy when you can leave him hunger in front of your walls.

Around december 1428, Trabzon fell and I entered Trebizond astride my mule, to inspect my newest domain, only to find it full of Christians that reminded me too much of my sheep back in Dulkadir. What had happened to those Christian nobles I supposedly fought for? But, of course they died in the siege... a most unfortunate affair, I had nothing to do with, an over zealous officer of the royal guard confused by the fighting had their heads cut off. Being a great philantroper I decided to let the poor man live after his mistake but I had his eyes, hands, and tongue cut off, in order to never make that sort of mistake again. At times I can be a weak-hearted fool, and even one so great as I has to let his humanity shine at times. Ask my mule, he knows I am a most humane master.

After quite a lot of time wasting in front of my walls, sometime in 1429 Karaman and Teke decided they had enough and accepted my peace offer. I had payed them 48 sacks of gold, a calculated move made in order to feign weakness, and it had nothing to do with the fact both Angora and Sivas were close to falling as some historians tried to lie to the young generations of today. (Remind me to cut those historians's heads off after I finish this tale). Feigning weakness is always a ploy of the wise...and I, Muhammad Beg, Ruler of All of the Places worth Having, must be one of the wisest men of all the ages, for only days after that gift of mine, Georgia fell to our armies.
Continuing the war proved pointless for my mule had no desire to continue North. And what can one do when his mule wants to go home but oblige him? Wars are often fought by lions and even more often they are settled by mules. So, peace was signed, and we got Trabzon for our trouble.

The more laws, the less justice, a Roman infidel once said and how right he was! But you see, I had no intention of being just, for justice can never lead to true greatness, and so I imediately started legislating as the war was over. Laws are for rulers, like toys are for children, you can never have enough of them. One of my first laws dealt with sheep, but I won't tell you what this law was about, suffice to say everyone but the sheep were pleased about it. This whole legislator bussiness was so pleasing to me that I forgot about the fact I had to wage war if I wanted to conquer the world, but in November 1430 Ak Koyunlu decided to remind me by declaring "a state of beligerance" between our realms. Now, you see I had no idea what "a state of beligerance" meant and being lost admiring their beautifull sheep banners I couldn't care less. You see, Ak Koyunlu had the most delightfull of standards in all creation...they had sheep as their symbol, a most profound and noble choice of unmatched creative genius.

Lost in my reverie, I was awakened by Ali (that sheep loving philosopher - what philosopher isn't a sheep lover?) who explained to me what "a state of beligerance" was all about, and with a mournfull expression and a tear in my eye (because I was thinking of all the sheep banners that would get dirty in the conflict) I sadled my mule and went to war against the Kingdom of the Sheep.

Our glorious armies then entered Kurdistan and Armenia. Why those two provinces you ask? It was a most unselfish decision, directly showing my greatness. We entered Kurdistan because we needed its iron to better use it against the Infidels, for we could use it in a much more splendid way than any other Muslims of this world...and Armenia, well we entered Armenia for the Glory of...God. It had nothing to do with its gold mines I assure you. Gold glitters and glittering disturbs the mind, besides I much prefer wool to gold.

Meanwhile our enemies had started to siege Sivas, a move that terified me greatly. I worried for my poor sheep, but alas I had to quell my sorrow for Allah watched over them as always. This siege of Sivas awoke my passion as never before as I swore to myself to turn Ak Koyunlu into dust and their memory into nothingness. I had never been quite so passionate about a war before, but the time when your sheep are threatened must always be a start for passion . To master all of your passions is to become a slave of reason, in other words a fool. Passion drives a man forward, and there is no reason one shouldn't go forward unless there's an abyss in front of you, and even then going forward is not necesarilly a bad move, for falling into an abyss with glory is much to be prefered to standing on its edge till you grow old, and further to that it has been known that you can always throw enought wool in the abyss till you can safely fall on it.

The war continued, and many foolish battles were fought, countless enemies were slaughtered, proud cities were turned into ruble, and even more so-called tactical geniuses had to taste humiliation, and the most important fact of all, a lot of sheep were acquired, but all of this is a tale for another day.

May Allah preserve you and your sheep, I have to go feed my Mule.

[PMLF]

Very good story. It's very funny. It's rare to see someone playing with a minor country like Dulkadir.

[Shaytana]

Thank you PMLF, I try to make it rather funny as I'd hate to just write a list of events , an AAR must have personality imho.

The next part is titled tentatively "The Lion in Winter" and it might become quite Shakespearian, although the trully Shakespearian character might be Sulayman (Muhammad's son) but I haven't decided yet if I will totally change the personality of future sultans or make them half-crazed eccentric clones(I'm partial to having a complete womanizer in the mix and go on a royal marriage spree). And somehow I must rush my way to 1448 where I start having screenshots. (alas A LOT happens till then especially during the 1442-1448 period,where more wars are fought than stars are in the sky grrrrrrr)

[BloodyAmerican]

Very nice!! I like the humor behind this one, it really makes the aar fun to read and doesn't bore us with dates and numbers. once again, Very nice!!

[hardshard]

Real funny! Makes me wonder how an AAR by terry pratchett would be like!

[Sharur]

Do whatever you want, if the rest of the aar is this good then it'll be perfect. This is great stuff! I love Muhammad's 'wisdom' Keep it up, Shaytana!

[Shaytana]

thank you ,if you guys like it i will continue the 1001 Tales of Dulkadir. The Sultan wishes you all a Wooly New Year as he will be gone during that period. This next part (the Lion in Winter business) that I am about to post is a tad more serious by Muhammad's standards (err not necesseraily) as it details his coming into old age.(although I partially forgot about Shakespeare for now) So on with the story.

[Shaytana]

Chapter III - The Lion in Winter (clothed in a REALLY marvelous wool caftan)

Now, leave me a moment to breathe my boy, and then I shall continue my tale. It is winter now and the conquests of springs gone remain but a whisper, yet I will try to remember. Yes, there we were, talking of the times of the Great Wool War.
As I had told you this war had been the first to truly arise my passion, and when roused I am like a battering ram ready to bring down the Gates of Heaven. Mere mortals could not whistand the Celestial Ram (as I had called myself back then, due to the magnificent set of Horns my Christian wives had given me as a present - I hear they have some significance or other for Christians but who cares? Nothing of true significance can come from Christians anyway) and so Kurdistan fell around September of 1431.
Armenia followed around December, and I had to go there to inspect the Mosques of the province, its sheep and the gold mines, in that order. Of course Armenia being Orthodox had almost no Mosques to speak of, and apparently all of the sheep had been killed during its conquest so, with my eyes filled with tears I had to settle for the gold mines. Oh the pains I have to endure bearing the mantle of rulership for I am no lover of gold, but I have to do my duty as Sultan, you see so I had to spend some four painful and thankless months on this particular enterprise.

As war raged on troop movements became quite as chaotic as a theologian's mind, that is to say a bit more chaotic than an astrologer's and a bit less chaotic than a woman's. Tactical solutions piled on top of tactical solutions, piled on top of some great strategic schemes, all founded on a great deal of nonsense lead to nowhere. In other words, Ak Koyunlu was going nowhere, while we were going to all the places worth going.

Around August 1432, Daghestan decided to fall before my Glory, and bask in my magnificence, now much improved with a golden kaftan of Armenian gold, a golden armor of unmatched beauty and some more gold added to other places of my body for the finishing touches. Now, you ask, why was I wearing all this gold if I'm such a gold hater? Foolish, foolish boy, didn't I tell you that gold glitters and glittering disturbs the mind? I was quite a disturbing sight, for I was all glitter, but fear not, underneath all of that glittering I had quite a lot of wool, but there was no way for the disturbed to know it.

Now, while the Wool War was proving to be somewhat easier than I had expected, one of the greatest problems of rulership was striking my realm with a vengeance. This problem, and for One as Exhalted as I, this particular trial qualified merely as an annoyance, was incessant rebellion. Rebels are like flies, and they love to take up arms against their ruler just as much as flies love to take bites of that not to be mentioned matter they are so fond of. Rebels also happen to be full of it. While a little rebellion is good for the soul now and then for it ruins the monotony of living a lot of it most definitly isn't. Why do rebellions occur? Simply put - Boredom. Boredom is (and most philosophers would agree - ask Ali if you don't believe me, he'll tell you) one of the greatest maladies of the human race. It is not only ruinous but also contagious. The effect of boredom on an empire scale is rebellion. The problem with rebellions and revolutions is as an Englishman will put it that they never lighten the burden of tyranny, they just put it on another shoulder. Of course rebells can be a)too stupid to realize this b)smart enough to know it (these are the most dangerous of rebels for it is usually these ones that succeed) c)not care.

Most of the rebels plaguing my realm were dealt with in short order. The only rebellion worth mentioning was the one of Fidelius Castrosus of Trebizond. Now this particular rebel most definetely fitted in the b categorry of rebels, and thus had potential, but as it happens with all men with potential, he could be corrupted, and he was. Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, only marriage does, another Englishman once sputtered, and this Castrosus fellow once he got over his boredom (and thus his revolutionary tendencies) made for quite a bedfellow, err I mean loyal minister.

But, I digress, where was I? Ah, yes, the Wool War. Around December 1432 Nuyssaybin fell, followed in June of 1433 by Azerbadjan. The last remaining bastion of Ak Koyunlu (one that I think had belonged to Qara Koyunly a few years back) to fall before my might was Tabriz. What followed was a prolonged negotiation period with some representatives of Ak Koyunlu, (and their mules) and it is during this time a most wondrous event happened to me. While fast asleep in my golden tent and dreaming of my mules of days long past Archangel Gabriel came to me in a dream. Now, I was never a profoundly religious person, for I was of the opinnion that being perfectly well dressed offers an inner tranquility that religion can never quite bestow, but this somehow changed that night. Archangel Gabriel called himself Johan for some reason, but it doesn't matter for we all know angels are the most eccentric of beings for what other beings would leave Heaven for looking over mortals? So Gabriel, or Johan, told me that if I were to give in to my dark side and annex most of the Kingdom of the Sheep, I would become a very very bad boy, and thus get myself and especially my succesors, for my time was fast aproaching an end, he warned me, into a great serious deal of trouble. It is there where he lost me, for I had learned since a small age that, always getting more is definetely better than always getting less (simple principle even a 2 year old can figure while waiting for presents during that part of the year Christians call Christmas), and secondly He thought I would care about the ones after me. Now why should I? Didn't I tell you a Great man only cares about himself? This angel had a serious need of reevaluating his priorities but then again, what angel doesn't?

The Christian Bible tells us that the meek shall inherit the Earth, and I agree wholeheartedly for the meek can't gain anything except by inheritance. A Great Man doesn't inherit, he earns it all, as I had earned it all, and my sons being quite meek in my humble opinion I had something in store for them. The great disaster prophesized by the Archangel left me in a beatific state of glee, extremely similar to the one a sheep is in when its wool grows back. The flood can come after me I thought. If my succesors failed then this could only enhance my glory, for future generations could better see my genius in contrast to their incompetence. You see the masses do not realize that building an empire is much easier than governing one and holding on to it. It is the nature of man to admire the great conqueror and then blame his succesors for having turned his dream into ruble. But you see, the Conqueror's dream is ruble in the first place(as all dreams are), but only great conquerors know it, that's why they are what they are for no true idealist can turn into a Great Man, for greatness is the province of the selfish. So I crushed Ak Koyunlu under my heel and annexed Armenia, Daghestan, Nuyssaybin, Azerbadjan and Tabriz in order to prove my greatness, and acquire all their sheep banners, of which I have to say the second seemed to me the most important at the time.

So, I said, let the future come, I had riden my mule, and I had watched over my sheep, and what else can a man demand of life?(well maybe a few good caftans of wool now and then) I stood tall over Creation and beckoned eternity to shatter all dreams. This mule was ready for it.

Alea jacta est.
May your mules have wings and reach for the Heavens.

[Shaytana]

So, goodbye all, and Have a Wonderfull New Year! The next part dealing with the Tragic End of Muhammad Beg (and his Mule) will arrive after New Year when all this holiday madness is over. Then his son Sulayman will make the world tremble in despair with his Shakespearean quotes hehehe.

[Kalpeti]

And the OscAAR goes to.... Shaytana!!!
This is the very best AAR!

[nalivayko]

Very different and very enjoyable AAR. Don't let it end or we will have to feed you to your ferocious sheep

[Revisionist]

that was a great read, I was laughing. Makes me want to return to the Aztecs and not be such a slave to dates and numbers. Thank you for this great read!

[Sharur]

ROFL! Great stuff, Shaytana! If I may...

Originally posted by Shaytanan
As war raged on troop movements became quite as chaotic as a theologian's mind, that is to say a bit more chaotic than an astrologer's and a bit less chaotic than a woman's.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, only marriage does, another Englishman once sputtered, and this Castrosus fellow once he got over his boredom (and thus his revolutionary tendencies) made for quite a bedfellow, err I mean loyal minister.

The Christian Bible tells us that the meek shall inherit the Earth, and I agree wholeheartedly for the meek can't gain anything except by inheritance.

That's the kind of insane logic that would scare the crap out of me were it serious This is probably the funniest aar I've ever seen, due to the intelligence of the humor and 'wisdom'. I love it!