1470 – 1480: And Some More Things Happen.
We last left off at the extravagant Swiss party that accidently celebrated the first Tour de Cheese over international borders into Baden. Baden was offended at not being included in the celebration, so claimed a defensive war against Switzerland. The neighboring countries of Alsace and Württemberg decided to come to Baden’s aid and join the fiasco. Unfortunately no country would join the Swiss despite their clear intentions of partying. It was also said to be the party of the century with unlimited cheese, cheese beer, cheesecake, and every other food that somehow has a relation to cheese. Folk music was played incredibly loud and Heidi raised her dress above the knees. That party would become so important in Swiss culture that it has been called ‘Cheesestock’.
The day after the party, the Swiss mind was revolutionized. Everyone woke up with the same exact feeling and it wasn’t the urge to the bathroom. From now on the Swiss would have to protect The Cheeseland and to protect The Cheeseland, land around The Cheeseland must be subjugated. The Swiss set off with a new set of priorities.
So zealous did the Swiss take to their ideal that no army could hardly stand before them. The Swiss were outmanned, outgunned, and even outprovinced, but allies arrayed against the Swiss didn’t have the power of cheese, which can beat both David and Goliath at the same time. Every battle the Swiss fought, they won, just like clockwork, even if they were outnumbered two to one. The Swiss surprised themselves at how well they were doing, so they gave themselves a toast of cheese and continued.
However, Venice, the neighborhood misfit decided to cause the Swiss a setback. They declared war on Siena, who happened to own the highest cheese eating per capita next to Switzerland, and so the Swiss naturally backed the four-door sedan. The Swiss now had a two front war, but since the BAD WUR ALS had lost 50k men the Swiss gobbled up ALS, and vassalised WUR AND BAD. Then the Swiss focused their cheese wrath upon the Venetians and in the end took two provinces from them. Finally war subsided for the Swiss in March 19th, 1472 with Switzerland being an 8 province regional power from a 2 province nothingness 6 years ago.
With all of these new territorial acquisitions new reforms had to be put into effect. As the Swiss found out with the inhabitants of their territories, not everyone liked cheese or had a wife named Heidi. The Titans of Cheesing immediately convened in the capital to discuss how to resolve these ‘problems’. There were three options that the Titans could choose from.
- Force all the wives to change their names to Heidi
- Make people eat cheese or have them be punished.
- Ask for a government bailout.
All can see that these men had the hardest choice to make. They had to make the decision on women, cheese, or money but not all of them. Of course, as can be expected these men were torn. Since they were wee laddie they had the power over these aspects of their life and now they had to choose between the three. It is said that the air in the conferencing room that they met in was so dense you could cut the cheese and no one would notice. After a week’s time of influencing and debating, eight men held the future of subjugation in their hands. They released this diagram and their word became final. Everyone would be made to eat cheese or they would be punished.