Cum Porci Volant - A NubiAAR

In order to truly hate, you must first learn to hate yourself
The journal of Georgios of Dongola, King of Nubia
Part 4



In honour of my new wife, I have declared it a criminal offence to be female in Nubia. There's no set punishment yet, but I hope they all feel rightfully guilty. Radiya is sent to the church to learn some proper shame.



The recently gained confidence from the Cyrenaican campaign is quickly squashed by the fact that Egypt is now even more unkillable.



Not that it matters too much. Ma'al is a rather pleasent fellow, actually. No one has been more adamant in keeping the baqt in both countries, especially free trade and travel in the Fatimid territory for Nubians and religious independence for both countries.

Of course, he'll be even more pleasant without limbs.



She was pardoned.



Yet another beautiful, wonderful, new life is brought to the Kingdom of Nubia, in the shape of a totally worthless non-heir. The 20th November is now an official day of mourning and silent prayer in Nubia, in the hopes that I will never have to buy her a birthday present.



Meanwhile, I build a mine to make Sudan resemble a real province and in the hopes that someone in my family will fall down. Every little helps.



The fifth of December finally sees another baby boy, and he's.. he's.. greek?? Since when do women actually contribute genes?? My ancient Greek textbooks (translated from Greek to Latin and from Latin to Persian and later to Egyptian hieroglyphs, over to Arabic and once more into Egyptian turned into an abridged Nubian version now updated from hieroglyphs to the new modern Nubian alphabet) mention nothing about this, and since they're obviously infallable, there is clearly something wrong with my wife, not the text.



February 16 of 1073 sees the first major progress for Nubia. There is finally a crack in the stone wall that is Egypt! The sheik of Jerusalem has declared himself independent and now wages war on the Fatimids! This will be a conflict for the ages, where we in harmony and unity can crush our opponent! The independent states of Nubia and Jerusalem will stand for a thousand years!!!



Oh.



It's actually less about letting him into the army, and more about him letting the army come to him. I've seen grown men cry.



The greek kid? Send him to the guy with the scary beard.



Ma'ad! My dear friend! Yes, I will gladly stand by you in all your conflicts against the Cyrenaicans and the Turks! This changes everything! Together we will -



oh for God's sake...​

In order to truly hate, you must first learn to hate yourself
The journal of Georgios of Dongola, King of Nubia
Part 5



The mighty coalition answering the pope's call for the liberation of Alexandria consists of... two muslim minors. One of which was an Egyptian vassal who managed to be independent for all of 26 days. Impressive.



With not one single catholic around, all I can do is keep building roads for our complete lack of horses and mines leading down to our complete lack of minerals.



Fadl, mastering the art of sneaky stabbing, actually got so good that he barely even noticed his knife in his own chest. Luckily, my court is filled with young, energetic replacements!



Oh.



When the creepy beard guy asked if I wanted Ioannes to have an internship at the local graveyard, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. But it works for me!



And yet another migraine sees the light of day.



Yes, creepy beard guy, former professor at Sand Hill High, goatherder extraordinaire until we actually managed to get some goats and nowadays the nanny famous for managing to kill Ioannes in under a year, there is nothing I want more than to send another kid to you.

Go away.



Oh wait, you can have this one!



Don't get me wrong, sometimes I manage to love my children!



Oh, wait. No, wait. This is wrong. This is very very wrong. I need to do something responsible like going away for a long vacation and crying myself to sleep.



Yes! The perfect vacation spot!



A sheikdom that I can actually reach has declared itself independent from the Fatimids!



Egypt is there first, of course, but since Ma'ad is too lazy to come himself, I can use my royal privileges to sneak in front of all the Egyptians, yell "ONCE MORE!" in my most regal voice, duck, wait, and have my men raise our flag while I keep everyone else busy high-fiving me.




It involves keeping the Egyptian women busy aswell. And apparently Egyptian trimesters are about five minutes long, which is quite impressive.



Yes, I'm impressed too that he isn't greek!



And Sarqihya falls! To us!



Nubia has managed to grow for the first time in centuries! It might be a poor, trashed, sandy hellhole of a place but at least it's our poor, trashed, sandy hellhole of a place! We are giants! Nothing can go wrong now!



Oh.​

Chapter 2

The Lost Years of Nubia, part 1
Or: No event is so horrible that it can't get worse
A critical examination by Nephthys Moungos, Aswan Sand Hill University
With support from the Faculty of Fugly at Halland's Phargle University

While many sources have disappeared in the 900 years since the First War of Egyptian Incompetence, a great deal has been written about the tumultous time period known as the Lost Years. The name comes from the fact that the main written source for 11th century Nubian politics, the diary of Georgios of Dongola, ended abruptly at this time with the famous words:

"Oh."

But what really happened between the fall of Sarqihya and the Egyptian declaration of war? What events fill the silence between Georgios' faith in the future and his sudden interjection? It has taken us years to collect data from this period, with the help of everyone from archaeologists and historians to fuglistians and fatalisticists. I hope that this text can finally shed some light on these dark years.



The 16th birthday of Georgios' daughter Radiya is generally regarded as the beginning of the Lost Years. On the same day, she was sent away to be married in the far away land of Sweden.



Georgios, always looking for a quick buck at the expense of everyone around him, traded her away for 60 ducats without even bothering to check who the groom was. This mistake was common in the 11th century, but Georgios, true to his style, managed to make the worst one in recorded history.



The groom was a Knýtling.



As if this wasn't bad enough, this particular Knýtling was the brother of the ugliest man on the planet, Hårik (see Appendix 1 for a rough and partly censored drawing. Reader discretion is strongly adviced). His ugliness was more than a disease, it was a plague brought upon everyone around him. It is said that even fresh air avoided him, so that the whole county of Halland smelled like Swiss cheese. In the early 13th century, Santa Lutgardis was canonized for having gazed upon a drawing of his nose for more than 30 seconds without vomiting blood, losing skin or clawing her eyes out. She was blinded in the process.



As word spread, revolts infected the entire country of Nubia. Peasants demanded that Radiya be stoned, quartered and burned to cleanse the of Dongolas from the Hårik taint.



But there was no one to answer the protesters. Having realised his mistake, Georgios quickly came down with a minor army of diseases, mostly from self-loathing and having actually looked at a drawing of Hårik. Later excavation of his tomb has shed some light on what happened to his body. It seems that his diseases included, but were not limited to, paralysis of the leg, bleeding of the chin, hatred of the kidneys, cancer of the lungs, cancer of the feet, cancer of the scalp and cancer of the cancer.



Ma'ad al-Mustansir, Georgios' best friend and ally, quickly commited suicide just for having known him. While modern scholars agree that this was the only sane thing to do, the new king of the Fatimids, Amin of Mecca, was filled with nothing but hatred for Nubia, blaming the death of his predecessor on them. And rightly so. The short-lived Egyptian-Nubian alliance was broken and war was declared.



Defending Nubia fell upon young Al'a'addin, the only one strong enough to bear the shame that his father had brought upon the family. While nominally the marshal of Nubia, he is generally considered the de facto ruler at this point.



In a bold move of offensive defense, he declared war on the minor sheikdom of Asyut. The plan was to move in, take the province and use it as a bargaining chip in peace talks. Meanwhile, the commanders of the Egyptian army still practiced the Georgios Tactic of running in front of each other screaming "ONCE MORE!", which kept all of the Fatimid army busy in Sarqihya.



Al'a'addins forces were, however, forced to retreat and pay a humiliating sum to the Sheik of Asyut for peace. He refused to give up the offensive plan, though. He quickly marched on Asyut's weaker neighbour, Quena.



Just as Quena was about to fall, the armies of Amin took Sarqihya.



But with the offensive in Quena, and being distracted by the crusade, Amin accepted peace in exchange for the province of Sarqihya. At this point, Nubia was reduced to its former size, and the one good thing Georgios ever did was wasted. But the country was saved, and would endure.​