Secrets of the AARk

With Apologies to MacRaith, Pt 8
János's Abode
1939 AD

"I do apologize, my Emperor. I suppose it was the shock of seeing the dissected remains of our former minister... Oh, it pains me to even think of it. But nevertheless, it was hardly an excuse for my reaction. If I had more resolve, and had not succumbed, we would have been able to stay and search the tower, perhaps even apprehending the killer. So truly it is my fault that we are now in this situation, with a member of our government horrifically killed on foreign soil, possibly in danger ourselves, with not even an idea of the identity of the danger..."

"What? Oh, right, Pierre. Yeah, he's dead, nothing we can do about it. Don't worry about it, Heruy. I'm sure I can use my Emperor-powers to handle any blame that comes our way."

"My Emperor, with all due respect, that was not what I was speaking of at all. I was merely-"

"Don't worry about it, Heruy! Look, here comes János . He's the village headman, so he'll know if we can get sued or not or something. János!"

"Emperor!" János returned, as he entered the room, holding another easily-shatterable cup full of an undescribed beverage. "How are you?"

"Why, I am quite well. And that is a very nice trenchcoat you are wearing."

"Oh, this? Yes, it is quite good for hiding the bloodstains on your sleeves from sight, not that I have any such things, of course! I just said that for no reason. May I ask what you and your friends are conversing about?"

"Of course! We are merely talking about that French Pierre guy's grisly death at the tower."

János feigned shock. "Really! I am shocked! And am certainly not feigning that shock! For I am truly shocked!"

Haile was puzzled. "Why are you being shocked? We told you about it five minutes ago when we got back!"

There was an awkward pause. Just then, Herouy Wolde Selassie, whom Heruy Welde Sellase was not, burst into the room, looking clearly afraid.

"AAH!" he screamed as he caught sight of the Emperor, and staggered backwards. "No, wait, not AAH! Oh, Haile, it is really you! And not a crazy demon-pony."

"Wait, what?"

"There was a demon-pony pretending to be you at the tower. It was very mean."

János dropped his easily-shatterable cup full of an undescribed beverage, which shattered easily against the floor, spilling the undescribed beverage everywhere.

"I, uh... I have to go... again...for no reason..."

And so he did, running out the door quite quickly. Haile blinked. He then looked at the floor, where the easily-shatterable cup full of an undescribed beverage, which shattered easily against the floor.

"I wonder what undescribed beverage tastes like."

<It's not really undescribed, Haile. It's just the author being lazy.>

"Well, do you know what's lazier than not describing things? Jokes involving the breaking of the fourth wall. Which technically I am doing now. Hmm... A dilemma."

<You weren't really going to lick the unidentified beverage off of the floor, were you?>

"No, of course not! I'm an Emperor! I was going to have Herouy do it."

<That's a good idea. I'm pretty sure he likes tasting things.>

"I like tasting things!"

Heruy sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Wait," Haile said, his eyes darting around. "Are we... are we still on?"

<What? Oh, right, we are.>

"Isn't the scene supposed to have shifted by now? To János and all that?"

<Yes, by all rights it should have. It was the natural transition point. Now that we've missed it, the transition is just going to be exceedingly awkward.>

"Yes, it will."

Heruy, very confused by the conversation, simply sat silently.





János felt a distinct feeling of déjà vu. Once more, he was in the tower, hurriedly rushing up the stairs. Once more, he was driven to the Tower by talk of ponies. Once more he knew that he had little time to spare. Once more he would have to perform the blood ritual. And this time it was quite unlikely that a substitute victim would just walk in.

"Hey, the transition wasn't that bad, after all!"

<Haile, now you're ruining it!>

"What? Oh, sorry! Now it really is going to be awkward, isn't it?"

<Yes...>

Anyways, János, tower, stairs.

"Tesserarius!" János yelled, as he neared the top. "Tesserarius! Tesserarius!"

János! The ritual! It didn't work!

"I know, friend! I should have realized it, but French blood just doesn't work! It's too French! And now we are running out of time!"

He was at the top, and could see these words on the wall, bold and vivid:


You know what that means.

"Yes....it's definite. One pony has risen...above all the others..."

Powerful enough to break the seal... And once the seal is broken, and the pony unleashed upon the world, He will not be far behind...

"Yes... We cannot let this happen!"

You know what to do.

János nodded. There was no hesitation this time. He pulled out his gladius, stabbed himself in the liver, and began cutting. Tesserarius Tesserarius Tesserarius said a hilarious joke based on the situation, but János was too busy screaming in pain to notice.

And the Weekly Task! Become a reader of my new AAR.

Hello?

Usually Yoy21 or somebody posts ':rofl:' by now.

Well, here's another update. I don't know how many more of these parody parts there will be, but I'd say we're done with at least half of them.

With Apologies to MacRaith, Pt 9
The Creepy Old Towair
1939 AD

"Yes... eet is very peculiair..." Nespafransay muttered as he circled the bled-out corpse of formerly-alive village headman János. "Eet seems zat we 'ave anozair murdair on our 'ands!"

The pronouncement was not for him alone, for also in the tower were all of János's immediate family.

"Inspectair..." the wife of János called for attention, holding an infant in her arms. Nespafransay turned.

"Are you so sure it was a murder? Have you considered the possibility of it being a suicide?"

Nespafransay reacted with shock.

"Eet was not un suicide! Eet was clearly a murdair!"

"But what about the suicide note?" Krisztina asked, holding up the note they found clutched in János's hand.

"Une forgairy!"

"But it was written in his handwriting!"

"Forgairy!"

"And it was written in the same tone he would use, even including his own linguistic peculiarities!" pointed out the small child.

"Forgairy!"

"And it contained some...intimate details that only János would know!" the wife pleaded.

"Forgairy! Et now we will 'ave to add voyeurism to ze list of crimes committed by our mystairy killair! Et 'ow can you think zat zis is un suicide? Why would 'eadman János kill himself een an old towair?"

"Actually, this has happened before."

"What?"

János's wife explained. "His father, who was the headman when he was alive, also killed himself quite similarly in the tower. Nobody thought anything of it, because his father had done the same, and so on and so on, as long as anyone can remember. Not that anybody remembers much before that incident with the goat... "

"Well, zis may be, but I knew János! 'e was my friend! Et I say, János was not suicidaire! Et who would know János better zan I?"

"...We're his immediate family..."

"Zat may be, but still, in zat one trois-minute conversation I 'ad with 'im, I learned much more about 'im zan any of you will know! And I say zat ze killair of János was not János, but instead Péter, the towair-guardair! I will 'ave to...question 'im later..."

"You can't do that!"

"Why? Because Péter is un family friend of yours, et guards a secret about ze towair zat should never be found out by the likes of moi?"

"Well, yes. But also, with the death of János, Péter is the new headman! And as such he is completely immune to any police investigation, by our strange and medieval local laws."

Nespafransay dropped his easily-shatterable cup full of an undescribed beverage, which shattered easily against the floor, spilling the undescribed beverage everywhere.

"Quoi!?"

"It's true. Of course, if the death had happened at the regular age, then the mantle of village headman would have passed from father to son like it always had, but this time it was too early, and as you can see our oldest son is still a small child."

Nespafransay grimaced. Then he smiled an evil smile.

Hunching over, he said to himself, "Zen I will simply 'ave to find anozair way to get to Péter!"

He then began to laugh maniacally, before being cut off short by a cough.

"Oh no..." Nespafransay paled. "You are right behind moi and 'ave 'eard everyzing I just said, n'est pas?"

"Actually, we're in front of you. You never bothered to turn around before whispering about your evil plans."

"And you were talking so loud that turning wouldn't have helped, anyways!"

"Gah... I em a failure..." he sniffled. "I cannot do anything right..."

"Oh, don't be so hard on yourself! I'm sure you're good at something..."

"Non...non... I em terrible et being ze suspicious-acteeng Inspectair zat is planning suspicious-sounding mystairious plans... Terrible! You aren't evain supposed to know zat, but now you do! Zat only proves mon worthlessness evain more!"

Nespafransay began to cry, and János's family started to give worried looks to one another.

"How about this?" proposed the small child. "We can start again from where we left off, and pretend that you never said any of the things you just said! We'll just forget it, and act like nothing's happened."

"Yes, zat would be very nice..." Nespafransay sniffed. "But I em sure zat I will only find a way to mess eet up again! I em hopeless! I em just a fyuel!"

"I'm sure you're not a... a what?" asked János's wife.

"A fyuel! Zat is what I em!"

"I'm sorry, but what?"

"A fyuel! Et now I em a failure at being understood as well!"

"No, it's not your fault, Inspectair! You know what? It's not you at all. It's just the accent. It's quite strong, and almost even sounds... French..." She paused, shocked at her own realization. Her eyes went wide...

"Gah! You 'ave 'eard too much! Now I must be avez!"

And with that, Nespafransay fled.

"How very odd..."

I...have no idea what that means...

You're welcome, Le Ran! Though I must say that I did not know who Hercule Poirot was until I looked it up. Though I guess I did borrow a bit from Clouseau. I could have gone all the way but I didn't, just like with Dr. Strangelove and Kantiba Wosene Zamanel. Maybe it would be funnier if I did?

Well, this next update turned out to be better than I thought it would! And longer, too. Enjoy!

And I guess this is Post #1000. Normally people celebrate this with something special. I wouldn't have, but decided to anyways. So let us have the 1000-post round of the Official None-Of-The-Others-Count ReadAARship OscAARs, which will be judged on the entire 1000-post span!

So here they are! And remember to reserve Post #2000 for me when it comes, so that I can post the Official None-Of-The-Others-Count ReadAARship OscAARs for Posts 1001-2000!

The awards and winners, with runners-up in order!

Most Postingest ReadAAR:

Winner: Yoy21 and Nameless (tie)
Runners-Up: lifeless, the_shy_kid, therev

Poster With Least Use for Proper Grammaticization:
Winner: lifeless
Runners-Up: Yoy21, Darks63, Lord Boreal, Insane

Best LurkAAR:
Winner: saijonas and Askar (tie)
Runners-Up: Scheuer, Sir Reinout, speziam

Most Prestigious ReadAAR:
Winner: The Yogi
Runners-Up: Sir Humphrey, Singleton Mosby, coz1, stnylan

Longest ReadAAR:
Winner: Wolfhound
Runners-Up: HoChiMinh, the_shy_kid, Le Ran, therev

Most Loyal ReadAAR:
Winner: Nameless
Runners-Up: Le Ran, therev, Fiftypence, the_shy_kid

Most Nemesistic ReadAAR:
Winner: Snake IV
Runners-Up: Nameless, Alexus, Wolfhound, Singleton Mosby

Most :wacko: ReadAAR:
Winner: subnormalized
Runners-Up: kenneththegreat, lifeless, Le Ran, Insane

Most Small-Child ReadAAR:
Winner: kenneththechild
Runners-Up: lifeless, Yoy21, billy bob, the_shy_kid

Most French ReadAAR:
Winner: Le Ran
Runner-Up: Uh... Le Ran again?

Most Banned ReadAAR:
kenneththegreat! Let's all make fun of him until he gets un-AARland-banned and is able to read this!