Secrets of the AARk

*Italian classical music plays over the Italian speakers. The Italian camera, manned by an Italian cameraman, zooms in (Using an age-old Italian technique) to two men (Not Italian. Or are they?) sitting at an Italian desk, on chairs made of Italian leather. Italian.*

Bob: Good evening, and welcome to The News Program Which Our Benevolent Italian Overlords Were Generous Enough To Bestow Upon Our Most Undeserving Selves, the news program that is mandatory to all of you fortunate enough to be subjects of the Italian Empire, which I hope will some day soon encompass all of Ethiopia.

Jim: As do I, Bob, as do I. We all celebrate the defeats of the Ethiopian Army! Surely the taking of Debre Markos by the Glorious Italian Liberators means the imminent destruction of the savage Ethiopian Empire! Even though only one division was left behind here defend this glorious bastion of Italian greatness, Gondar, surely we should pay no mind to that!



Jim: In unrelated news, the Italian Liberation Government has urged all citizens of the Glorious Italian Empire near Gondar to take up arms against the Ethiopian Army that is certainly not anywhere near Gondar, and certainly not battling the aforementioned single division in a fight to retake Gondar.



Jim: But before we continue with the news section of The News Program Which Our Benevolent Italian Overlords Were Generous Enough To Bestow Upon Our Most Undeserving Selves, I would just like to note that this station is soon celebrating a very special day.

Bob: Indeed, we are! The entire station is getting ready to celebrate the two-month anniversary of being liberated from barbaric Ethiopian rul-EEEEEEE!!!! I mean, it was never under Ethiopian rule! Because there was no news station here (since this region was conquered by primitive Ethiopians) before Il Duce generously built it with his bare ha-NNNNNNNNNNN! I mean, Il Duce will never stoop to building things with his bare hands, for he deserves to be worshiped like a god, and he merely willed the station into existence, and IT WAS SO! GYEAAAGHEYSEGKLSJKLFS-

Jim: *As Bob continues to writhe in pain* Why, that is just silly, Bob! Benito Mussolini is merely a man, with no supernatural powers, and even being a man he does not deserve to be respected, being the head of a Fascist regime that has curtailed many freedoms and facilitated corruption.

Bob: *After writhing stops, torso lying helplessly on newsdesk* Jim, could you come over here for a minute? *Jim leans over* Why...isn't it working on you?

Jim: Why isn't what working on me, Bob?

Bob: The neural shocks

Jim: What was that?

Bob: The neural shocks.

Jim: Come again?

Bob: The neural sho-OOOOGHHKDHSDJGKT!

Jim: Oh, the neural shocks! Of course! Well, it is very simple, Bob. You see, I have found a way to redirect all of the incoming shocks intended for me onto your Loyalty Inducer.

Bob: *Weakly* why....mine?....

Jim: Well, it was the only one around, and you need another Inducer to redirect the signal to, that's just the way it works, and I don't need to explain this to you anyway, Bob! I just want to take this moment to note that the Italian invasion of Ethiopia was totally unjust, and that every Ethiopian watching this broadcast should take up arms against the Italian invader, joining the Ethiopian Army if possible. Also, the viewers in the Gondar area should not lose hope, for the Ethiopian Army under Emperor Haile Selassie has broken through the Italian lines and are rushing to liberate this fair city!



*Bob writhes in unimaginable pain for a very long time. To get a good measure of the pain he is enduring, pinch a nape of skin on the back of your neck betwixt thine forefinger and thumb. Then implant a standard EthioTech Loyalty Inducer onto the patch of skin and set the setting to Maximum. That should about do it.*

Jim: I also question the sexuality of many high-ranking members of the Italian Occupation Government, and also imply that Benito Mussolini has enjoyed sexual relations with his own mother.

*All right, Bob is in pain for a very long time. In fact, it is such a long period of time that by the time it ends, the Ethiopian forces have conveniently reached the studio.*

Bob: *After being very still and twitching for the past long period of time, looks up weakly to face the barrel of a rifle.*

Rifle: Mr. Bob? You are under arrest by the Ethiopian Government for aiding and abetting the enemy.

Bob: *Weakly*whatever...

Jim: Now good sir, be reasonable! He was clearly under duress during the time this station was in Italian hands, and thus cannot be held responsible for his actions!

Rifle: Really? *Takes out very thick book and begins rifling through it. Heh. Rifling. Get it? C'mon, laugh!* Let's see.. Death, Destruction, Digging In, Dogfights... Ah, here we go. Duress. Oh, bloody hell, the pages are stuck together. Now I have to find that bloody section....

Jim: *While the rifle is rifling through the book. Hey, I used the same joke twice in an update! Am I good, or what?* W-Wait... How can a rifle talk? And how can you rifle through pages? (Ha! Triple crown!) I mean, it's not like you have hands or something! And how are you floating there, anyways?

Rifle: Quiet! Can't you see I'm trying to concentrate?

Jim: Sorry.

Rifle: It's no problem. I found the section anyways. Here we go: Pages Stuck Together. If the pages in the rulebook concerning a rule you do not know is somehow stuck together or damaged beyond legibility, and you are unsure if your following actions will result in the rules being followed or breached, then simply take the following course of action:

Step 1: Kill everyone around you

Step 2: Bury the bodies

Step 3: Pretend absolutely nothing happened, and do not record the incident in your next report to your superiors.

This should cut down on paperwork for the Imperial Staff. We hate paperwork.

Ah, there we are! Well, I had better start on step one, then. I'll just ready my trigger here...

Jim: That's it! *Whips out cube with dial on it, which all readers should know is the Deus Ex Machina Machine. Sets dial, presses button.*

Bob: *Disoriented* Huh? Where am I?

Jim: Don't worry, Bob. We're in a safe place, far away from either of the two armies. We can start new lives!

Bob: What? *Shakes head* Just a minute ago I was being talked to by a really polite tunnel. And this isn't the studio! How'd you get us here?

Jim: Simple, Bob! I used the Deus Ex Machina Machine that I found after that whole homeless guy ordeal.

Author: I'll be taking that. *Crushes Deus Ex Machina Machine in his hands*

Jim: Hey, why did you do that!

Author: Continuity. Now, this had better be the last time I interfere like this. That Graziani had better be working hard... *Disappears*

Jim: Well, anyways....yeah.

Bob: Well, thanks, Jim. But I have one more question. Why did you reroute the Loyalty Inducer to cause so much pain to me?

Jim: Why Bob, there was never any Loyalty Inducer! It was all in your head!

Bob: Really? ... All that was in my head? Even my severe, third-degree burns?

Jim: Yes, Bob! It was all a result of your own lack of self-confidence!

And thus Bob learned an important lesson that day. A lesson we must all learn. Just believe in yourself, and brush your teeth three times a day.