InTveresting Times: An AfTver Action Report

Episode LXXIX: Caveat EmpTver

Royal Palace, City of Tver, Principality of Tver, Imperial Commonwealth of Tver 1759


The brilliant sun rose in the east, depositing its golden light upon the Imperial Commonwealth of Tver like a blanket spread lovingly across a comfortable bed. With the new dawn came not only a new day, full of possibilities, but a new leader. A new Czar, the Prince of Tver, Emperor of All the Russias, King of Poland, and Archduke of Prussia and Hungary.

Yaroslav III Khilkov, the first sovereign of the Khilkov dynasty, had succeeded his uncle after that popular monarch's tragic demise in a piano-related incident. He was of 'medium height' (meaning 'vertically challenged'), with thin blonde hair that was never seen beneath his fine wig. The bank of medals on the Czar's chest bore testament to the glittering military career he had never had, and his swagger stick assisted him with the grievous leg wound he had never received in the heat of combat.

Czar Yaroslav stood upon the west balcony of the Royal Palace, an extension of the Grand Gallery where hanged the portraits of his ancestors and predecessors. He looked down upon his realm, and he saw that it was Good.

But it could be Better. And, seeking the improvement of things, he turned his head and spoke the word that Princes of Tver say when they wish the state of things to improve.

'Dobczyński!'

A red-haired head appeared around a corner. Przemysław Malcolm Dobczyński, Chief Advisor, Captain of the Guard, was open for consultation.

'Sir.'

'I am ready.'

'Ready to govern the mightiest Empire the world has ever known, sir?'

'What? Well, yes. That as well. But more important than that, my date with destiny.'

'Who is Destiny, and how did she lose her sight?'

'My immortality, Dobczyński! My portrait!'

'You already have a portrait, sir. Every ruler of Tver receives one upon their accession.'

'Ah, but I want another. An equestrian one, like my forefathers in the olden days before the artists started using plain backgrounds. We still breed a horse every three years specifically for the purpose, do we not?'

'Ah, yes, sir. We do.It's just...'

'What?'

'Well, they were hoping for a fine white stallion.'

'And?'

'Well, your uncle had the stud farm relocated next to the royal menagerie.'

'So what? There are fences between them?'

'Yes, sir. But some animals can jump. Like horses. It seems that a zebra made his way into the breeding mare's enclosure.'

'Right?'

'And...well, one thing led to another...'





To this day Czar Yaroslav On Zorseback is one of the most famous works in the Tverian Central Gallery.

'That went well, I thought.'

'The Czar would have bristled with indignation if he was capable of growing bristles.

'Well. No matter! I have my mighty portrait, now I must have further valiant deeds to attach to my legend! Let us look for opportunities.'

'Interesting events to the west, sir.'





'Wurtemburg have declared their independence...an opportunity?'

'Could be, sir. They're fighting most of the countries that could defend them...though their enemies may take them down before we get there.'

'I can be very quick.'

'You certainly can, sir...'





'Ha! My first declaration of war, Dobczyński! How great it will be to taste battle again.'

'Again?'

'Let us celebrate! Drink, Dobczyński, to victory!' He sloshed two geenrous dollops of wine into glasses.

'Uh, sir, that might not be a good idea.'

'Pah! Can't hold your drink, Dobczyński? I heard you were a valiant soldier like myself.'

'I definitely don't have...the same level of alcohol tolerance as you, sir.' he said, diplomatically.

'Evidently not! Well, then I shall drink to our glorious victory!'





With the Czar hospitalised, the attack on Wurttemburg ground to a halt. The small state signed a peace agreement with the Austrians, releasing the small kingdom of Ansbach but keeping their own independence.




The Czar was encouraged, though: his bout of liver poisoning (clearly an attempt on his life!) gave him a genuine reason to carry a stick.

'So, sir. What now?'

'Now? What do you think, Dobczyński? The newly re-founded Ansbach is right by our border.'

'...I see where this is going. It would give us Munich, but would necessitate another war with the Empire. Do you want that?'

'Yes!'





The armies of the Commonwealth marched westwards, ploughing into the Holy Roman Emperor's territory in their rush to conquer the small, but wealthy state. The Emperor, though, would not stand for it. And neither, for that matter, would the Prince of Tuscany.




'The Emperor has waded in, as usual...and the Tuscan Prince wants tae kick yer teeth in.'

'He's angry?'

'Angry? He's in a Firenze.'

'Brandenburg and Tuscany sound...important for some reason.'

'Tuscany is an Elector, sir.'





'Do I smell opportunity?'

'Only if Opportunity smells like bacon, sir.'

'I would like to dismantle the Empire.'

'You're going about it the right way.'

'The Holy Roman one.'

'Oh. Well, I agree that it's a worthwhile goal, but you will have to vassalise every single Elector.'

'A simple matter! Our enemies cower before the might of my armies, Dobczyński!'

'I hope so, sir. By the way, the Duke of Gizhiga has founded a new school charter in his province.'

'And?'

'He's offering to build a new University.'

'Outstanding! See how things fall into place when I am in charge? Mine splendour groweth!'

'Not only your splendour, sir...'





'Well. What's the plan, Dobczyński?'

'I was thinking of heading to Tuscany, sir. General Mikulsky and myself have a plan.'

'I see.'

'You don't, but you will. We can take Tuscany out of the war, and start taking territory in Italy while we're at it.'





While Dobczyński was playing the Tuscan Raider, the Czar celebrated his advances into Italy with a few glasses of wine. He gave the same to his son, Prince Mikhael – after all, why not?





Thankfully, the palace doctor was able to save the young Prince's life (the wine had clearly been poisoned!). To celebrate (and definitely not to avoid the lovely Czarina's rolling pin), Czar Yaroslav marched his army into Brandenburg's territory, to conquer the capital of his enemy and reap glory for Tver and for his mighty house of Khilkov! The Margrave's army faced them, but Tverian steel would be victorious! They had numbers, better weapons and better soldiers: the Brandenburgians would fall like wheat before the scythe!

The Czar gave strict instructions to his men: they must follow without question the directions of the most senior officer present. When he arrived at the battle, though, and viewed the advancing enemy force, the Czar suddenly and most inconveniently developed the need to use the privy. Without their leader, his troops asked the advice of the most senior officer present.

General von Kyau of Brandenburg.





Betrayed by his soldiers' incompetence and absolutely nothing else, the Czar returned to his capital. Young Mikhael was recovering well from his illness, and the Czar took it upon himself to toughen the boy up! He must learn the skills of the soldier, the ways of survival, as he had! (the fact that nobody else was aware of this extensive training was irrelevant). He took him to Arkhangelsk, and commenced a rigorous programme of swimming lessons in the White Sea. After all, the boy also had the blood of Aleksandr the Bear in his veins. What could possibly go wrong?





The Czar was distraught.

'How could it happen, Dobczyński?'

'I...well...Might I suggest, sir, that you leave any further 'toughening' of any offspring until they are at least twelve?

'Pah. How is the Czarina?'

'...not very happy with you, truth be told. But she'll forgive you in time. I think. Just...don't do anything to annoy her further.'

'…'

Red-haired head met mahogany desk.

'What's her name?'

'She's just a maid! It doesn't count!'

'Could it possibly be Barbara, who had put on a suspicious amount of weight recently?'

'...maybe?'





'Sir, thou art a prize numpty.'

'Fah! What does it matter? Young Svyatoslav will lead the Empire to glory one day!'

'Not sure about the succession law relating to bastards.'

'Anyway, if I have more children with Erzsebet the problem goes away!'

'Oh yes, because she'll be welcoming you back with open arms after you reacted to the death of your son by siring a bastard with a serving girl from Vladivostok!'

'She'll come round! She is quiet, forgiving and peaceful like all Hungarians.'

'So the sabre under her bed is for...'

'Purely decorative reasons!'

'Ah.'

'Anyway, how did you know that she had a sabre under her bed.'

'...she's never used it to remove me from any kind of unorthodox and inappropriately restrictive situation if that's what you mean.'

'Anyway, I'll convince her. Win her back with my charm. I have a way with women, Dobczyński. The smoothest ladykiller in the Commonwealth.'

Yaroslav Khilkov could have driven a steamroller through a nunnery and still not be a smooth ladykiller.

'Your family issues aside, sir, we have a bigger problem.'





'Well, that's not a problem. We'll just thrash the Germans and that will be the end of it.'

'Castille is in charge of the war effort.'

'What? I mean, uh...wonderful!'

'I think, sir, it would be prudent to get the job done and get out.'

'Very well. Negotiate with the Tuscans, if you please.'

The victory over Tuscany had been a comprehensive one. Her navy sunk and her armies crushed, the Tuscans were completely at the mercy of the Commonwealth.





'Ancona, Bologna and Roma herself? A punishing peace, Dobczyński.'

'They didn't have to get involved, sir. They declared war on us, after all. This is just a taste of their own Medici.'

'Roma. Hard to believe that the former capital of the world is now ours.'





'Tver is the new Roma, Dobczyński.'

'With respect, sir, Roma is the old Tver.'

'And for Brandenburg?'

'We can't take too much, sir. You have a reputation to consider.' He didn't mention what kind. 'Oberpfalz would be a good acquisition, tough, giving us a corridor to Ansbach and Munich.'




'I think we should buy him off, sir.'

'Why? We can crush the Spaniard beneath our Imperial boot!'

'We'd have to march our armies all the way across Europe, sir. Costly in both men and money. And while we do that, their navy can blockade our ports, leading to shortages, anger and rebellion.'

The Czar sighed. 'Very well. Send a suitably valuable gift.'

Dobczyński dispatched a great gift to the King of Castille: the Golden Helmet of Mambrino. In truth, it was nothing but a shaving basin, but the King was delighted. The gift was accepted, and the two great nations were at peace.




The Czar was satisfied.

'Great gains, Dobxczyński. Great glory for my House, great victories for the Commonwealth. And the full support of the nobility. See how Cousin Luka and others rally in support of me!'

'Support, sir. Yes. Absolutely...'

Well, you've made this easy for me. I blame EUIV

The Arch Mede said:

Rome is the Old Tver - scared of the rampaging Horde of eastern barbarians?

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In this case I think the rampaging eastern barbarians are our own rebellious colonists! The Irkutsk Liberation Front, et al.

BogMod said:

Full of murdering plotters hungry for a throne and willing to destroy the Empire to get it?

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As are all the best empires! We've conquered most of the external enemies, meaning the external enemies are now internal enemies. Or something.

blsteen said:

Yaroslav Khilkov could have driven a steamroller through a nunnery and still not be a smooth ladykiller.


Gotta love it...The imperium seems to be doing alright under the despot..ism. Carry on the good work.

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Thank you. Yes, the Enlightened Dobspotism seems to be working out fairly well for the moment. It'll be fine as long as our hero can keep the Czar on a tight leash.

...actually Dobczyński's more often the one...

...where were we? Ah, yes. Progress.

Episode LXXX: The Reign Of Tverror

Royal Palace, City of Tver, Principality of Tver, Imperial Commonwealth of Tver

Czar Yaroslav, Emperor of Tver, was the first monarch of the House of Khilkov. However, while the Khilkovs were a respected noble family, the idea of them as leaders of Tver, never mind the mightiest nation the world had ever known, would take a bit of getting used to. Both within and outwith the Commonwealth, aristocrats with tenuous claims to the ancient House of Rurik looked upon the fragile Czar and plotted their own paths to the crown. The Czar's cousin, Duke Luka Stanislavsky, had been the first to raise his standard in open rebellion, but if Yaroslav Khilkov did not convince the world of his legitimacy, Cousin Luke would not be the last rebel against the crown, nor the last head to adorn the Royal Palace's Hall of Amusingly Posed Trophies.

'I must stamp my authority on them, Dobczyński! Crush all seeds of rebellion!'

'That may not be necessary, sir. I've had a little word with Grand Marshal Kashinsky.'

'Hmm?'

'He has written a mighty tome about your ancestry – illustrated with suitably saucy decorations to increase sales, of course – which proves conclusively that the Khilkovs descend not only from ancient Rurik, but also from Robert the Bruce, Alexander the Great and, for good measure, Moses.'





'Heavens! I didn't know I was descended from Moses!'

'because you aren't, sir.'

'But you just said I was.'

'It's a...never mind.'

'Then I shall, like my mighty ancestor, make the seas part before me! I make for the naval dock of Czarinagrad, where I shall join my valiant sailors in ridding the Black Sea of the scourge of piracy!'





'Morning, sir. How was your swim?'

mutter murmur grumble whine. Cowards and rascals, Dobczyński, are our sailors! Abandoned me to fight alone!'

'I had heard that your ship ended up on its own, certainly.'

'Well, we shall soon put things to right. Sounds the drums, Dobczyński, for the Imperial Commonwealth marches to war!'

'More war?'

'Yes! Peace is boring, wars are awesome! Let's crack some heads!'

'I'm sure that's a quotation, but I can't remember who from...'

'To Tuscany! We have already wounded them, now we can finish the job! Ceemnt our control of north-central Italy!'

'That's...surprisingly sensible, sir. There would be great benefits to this.'

'Of course there are! I am Czar Yaroslav, and I bestride the field of war like Mars!'

'I remember Mars legged it from battle quite a few times, so yes, sir, I agree wholeheartedly.'





The Holy Roman Emperor, as usual with all events with the potential to benefit Tver, was Having None of It. A large Brandenburgian force charged headlong into Tverian Poland





Tuscany's Italian allies also proclaimed their intention to evict the Tverian Empire from the peninsula. Their attack on Bologna, though, was misguided, and their forces were reduced to a fine red paste that would later inspire a tasty tomato-based sauce popular in the region.

'No problems, Dobczyński?'

'No, sir. Parma hammered.'





'And what about Brandenburg?'

'I have come up with an incredibly intricate and elaborate plan for dealing with Brandenburg's single-massive-army strategy, sir.'

'Which is?'





'That must have taken weeks of complicated organisation.'

'Myself and General Dumstakov were up all night together, sir.'

'Your dedication to planning is an inspiration to us all, Dobczyński.'

'...planning?'

'In other events, what's this I hear of a terrifying foe landing in Italy?'

'Ah, yes sir. Truly I quake in my army-issue boots at their irresistible advance.'





'Then we should act quickly, niet?'

'Indeed. Tuscany is ours: let's annex them and be done with it.'

'They don't have any colonies or similar?'

'No, sir. No Florence in Arabia.'

'Then let it be done.'

Tuscany was annexed, and yet another of Europe's great cities was incorporated into the Empire of Tver.





Tver was now the most powerful force in Italy, owning the whole of the central peninsula, and the northern states looked on in fear as the most obvious next course of action became clear...





The Czar was most gratified.

'Splendid, Dobczyński! The cook has baked a great celebration cake with a hundred candles.'

'...a hundred candles, sir? Might want to be careful, what with us having a largely wooden medieval centre and all.'

'Nonsense my boy!'





'Whew! Well, that was hard work Dobczyński! I wonder what could possibly have caused this tragic conflagration?'

'Clearly the act of some idiot with no regards for basic common-sense fire safety, sir.'

'Precisely! And we don't want idiots, do we? Not in Tver! More quality, less morons, as we say!'

'If you want to help, sir, there is a bottle of vodka and a pistol in your desk drawer. Just sayin'.'

'So! What next? I see that the British are having some internal problems.'

'I know someone who might be of interest.'

'Hmm?'

'Winston Drake, Duke of Norfolk. Known him for a long time, close relative of the King of Great Britain. Popular, lots of supporters.'

'What are you suggesting?'

'We fund an uprising in his favour, sir. He is capable, popular and charismatic, everything the current King isn't. Having a grateful leader of one of our main rivals would be an enormous advantage to our expansion efforts.'





'Anything else we can do to improve our armies?'

'We can give them even snazzier uniforms, sir.'

'Snazzier than mitres?'

'Yes, sir.'

'It must be quite a sight. See that it is done! We must have the mightiest army afloat.'

'Afloat?





'So, what is happening in the colonies?'

'All is well, sir. We have taken a series of islands off the coast of Japan.'

'And what shall we call them?'

'The Guild of Cartographers is calling them Tverian Asia, sir.'





'Splendid. To celebrate, I shall partake of this fine Japanese wine!'

'I don't think that's wine, sir.'

'Rubbish! The Czar of the Imperial Commonwealth knows a quaffworthy beverage when he see one! Na zdrowie!'





'Which idiot put cannon lubricant in that pot?'

'I don't know, sir. What kind of a fool puts cannon lubricant in a cannon lubricant pot?'

'Must have been Austrian spies.'

'Undoubtedly, sir.'

'This calls for entirely proportional retaliation.'

'A stern letter to the Austrian Ambassador?'

'The sternest type, Dobczyński.'





The armies of Tver made good ground in their advances into Austria. General Josef Ukhtomsky, also known as Alpine Joe, took a commanding position in Tirol. A large Austrian force arrived to relieve his siege of the province, but Alpine Joe got his men in excellent defensive positions, allowing them to see off the worse-equipped Austrians. While their tricorns were all well and good, they were no match for the futuristic garb of the Commonwealth's troops.





The Tverian advance was irresistible, and soon all of Austria's heartland, German and Italian holdinsg were under the control of the Tverian army.





'We cannot be stopped, Dobczyński! The Austrians are weak and fall before our righteous fury!'

'Indeed, sir. Just keep an eye on our colonies.'

'Why?'

'Austria controls part of Korea, sir, and part of her navy patrols that region. Our island colonies could be vulnerable.'

'You worry too much, Dobczyński! Our victory shall be swift. It matters naught if they invade our far-off colonies. We hold their homeland, their capital!'

'Our military is mighty, sir, but our colonies are almost defenceless.'

'what it matter? They cannot annex provinces without a peace deal in victory!'

'Haven't read our country's history books, have you sir?'

'I am not a man of the past, but of the future!'

[…]

'What?'





'WHAT?!!?!?'

'The colony was incomplete, sir. No defences. The Austrians just marches in and took it, no questions asked.'

'We must take it back!'

'We have almost no warships in that theatre, sir. Their navy blocks all the straits, and our transports would be blown out of the water. Any ships we send will be destroyed.'

'It...but...they...'

'Peace, sir. We can take useful European provinces from them, and in peace time we will ferry more troops to the surrounding colonies, allowing us to march in to Shiribishi another time, navy or no navy.'

'What if they...Austrianise it?'

'That's what Spies are for, sir. We'll stop them from sending colonists to change the colony's makeup, or from building defences to keep us out. Retaking Shiribishi will be easy, sir, but we must be patient.'

'...very well, then. Proceed.'




In the end, it was another qualified victory for the Imperial Commonwealth. The loss of a colony was annoying, and further proof of the difficulties of worldwide naval warfare, but ultimately, the war would still be called a success. Genoally speaking.

Chief Ragusa said:

His Imperial Enlightened Despot Varoslav's illness has infected our illustrious narrator. May I suggest an injection of competence. Those northern Italians were planning to join the Imperial Commonwealth, weren't they?

Sad about the pirates not quite sinking the imperial fleet. I like the approach to a large doomstack. The "mine is bigger than yours" approach pays off. Shame about the loss of a colony.

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Heh, definitely. Their applications are in the post!
And yes, that colony was a bit of a WTF moment. Forgopt how much I hate the nuances of the game mechanics sometimes.

Omen said:

The Royal Palace's Hall of Amusingly Posed Trophies sounds delightful.

They better not Austrianise it. That would be horrific.

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I thought about drawing an excerpt or two but was running out of image limit. Might return to it, though not many episodes left. Approaching The End!
And yes, that would infuriate me. Made me glad I'd taken Espionage.

Mr. Sometimes said:

Yodeling Japanese? The horror...

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Do Austrians yodel too? I thoguht that was more of a Swiss thing.

BogMod said:

Weird to see Austrians so far east...

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Well, they are called Österreich...

TheChalk said:

Independent Wales? As a representative of this fine land, I they should be anne- protected by the Tverian realm.

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I'm keeping an eye on them, but I think they'll be fine. They've been independent for ages, and also have Cornwall - sorry, Kernow -

Ostman said:

Well...Yaroslav is certainly making up for his intellectual deficiencies with plenty of...enthusiasm?
In much the same way a bull is enthusiastic in a china shop.

Also, good thing Dobczyński is basically the Zap Brannigan of Tver. "You see Yaraslav, Branderburgians have a pre-set kill limit. I simply threw wave after wave of my own men at them until they hit their limit and shut down". Or is he so obsessed with sex and innuendo he doesn't even have time to plan properly now? Either way great work so far!

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A little too much enthusiasm, as you say.
Heh. He is a bit more subtle than that usually, that was just a bit too tempting for once. Besides, if they're going to march around ground of 40k soldiers, I'll need a lot more than that to beat them in a straight fight.

blsteen said:

Quantity has a quality all its own
Time for the Pacific Fleet to get upgraded

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Sadly, no amount of upgrading will account for the fact that I'm completely bloody useless at naval combat in this game

The Arch Mede said:

Quite, you need a much more Pacific Fleet. You'll definitely be in trouble if Austria acquires Indonesia. With their perfidy backed by the Spies Islands, there will be no stopping them.

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Heaven forbid. And coincidentally, that is my current Mission, to establish myself in the Spice Islands!

Episode LXXXI: The Ragged Trousered PhilanTverpists

Royal Palace, City of Tver, Principality of Tver, Imperial Commonwealth of Tver, 1790


Victorious once more against the hated Austrians, but smarting from their enemies' seizure of one of their eastern colonies, Czar Yaroslav was an angry man. His fame was based on his great military conquests, and this theft by the perfidious Austrians was nothing less than an insult to his martial honour.

'Our enemies laugh at us, Dobczyński.'

'Come on, sir, even I laugh at you and I'm technically your best friend.'

'We must make haste, and reestablish our standing! Make our enemies fear us once more!'

'I think they already fear us, sir.'

'Fear us even more! Who can we conquer in a manner that will bring us great prestige but little resistance?'

'I thought you were a mighty imperious general?'

'I am! I just...are you questioning me, Dobczyński?'

'Never, sir. I have full and total confidence in you.'

'Good. So. Where shall we go?'

'We could demand money with Venices.'

'Venice?'

'You think we conquered Treviso for nothing? It is the gateway to the Veneto, and to one of the richest cities in Europe.'

'Oh. Well, then. Let it be.'





'So, what sort of opposition could we be facing?' Not that I'm scared or anything.'

'Of course not, sir.'

'I merely wish to know whom I shall crush utterly in mine next triumphe moste gloriouse!'

'What the flamberge just happened to your accent?'

'What do you mean?'

'You...never mind. We're fighting Ferrara and Naples.'





'Always thought Ferrara would suit bright, flashy red better than pink...'

'Enough colourful talk, Dobczyński! Assemble the Imperial Fleet! I shall direct them myself.'

'Umm...why would you be doing that, sir? We only need to prevent Venice from blocking the strait to the lagoony bit of their city.'

'Is lagoony a real word?'

'It is now. As soon as our men cross we can send our warships safely back to port.'

'Why would we do that? We shall take to the high seas and direct another glorious victory!'





'Heavens! Where did all those ships come from?'

'Probably from Naples, sir...'

'But we would have beaten them if that rogue wind had not diverted my flagship from the battle at the critical moment'

'Terribly windy and treacherous that Gulf of Venice. Especially on calm sunny days.'

'Our navy is the mightiest afloat!'

'It really isn't, sir. Enough to see off Austria, but Naples has a global Empire and the navy required to defend it.'

'Well. Our men made it to Venice itself?'

'Yes, sir. Without incident other than rude locals and food poisoning from mussels. But we can annex them at will, and never have to fight naval battles for Italy again.'

'You don't think they'll mind?'

'Sir, what happens in Venice, stays in Venice.'





'So, we are richer than ever?'

'Yes, sir. We own both of Italy's ancient centres of trade – there's a daft little one in Calabria for some reason, but we're not losing too much money to it.'

'And what of Ferrara?'

'Easily defeated, sir. I suggest we take Verona off them, and force them to release Modena. We could do with another ally in the region.'

'Would it help us?'

'Yes, sir. A great step towards Modenasation.'





The Duchy of Modena was released from Ferrara's grasp, becoming one of the largest free states remaining in Italy – and its newly installed Duke was greatly indebted to Tver.

The Ambassador of Naples was also at the palace gates, begging for a merciful peace. Dobczyński admitted him for an audience with the infuriated Czar.

'Mercy? Your sailors send half our fleet to the bottom of the sea, and you ask for mercy?'

'Mio Imperator, we did so in defence!'

'I'll give you defence you impudent worm! Tell me, when I torture you will you beg, or will you scream?'

'My lord, no! I am Neopolitan! I scream!'

'That gives me an idea...sir, I think we should be lenient with them.'

'Do you, by heaven?' Czar Yaroslavl was wielding a riding crop with a good deal more pleasure than anyone should take from wielding a riding crop outwith a specialist establishment.

'Yes...sir, we ae now the strongest power in Italy. We should be generous in victory. And the loss of our fleet was avoidable...'

'Hmmph. You don't think we should drive them back into the sea?'

'Not this time, sir. We've done well out of this war, naval issues notwithstanding.'

'Hrm. All right. Be thankful, Ambassador, that my advisor is more merciful than I am. Will the King of Naples agree to these terms.'

Dobczyński nodded. 'Even if he won't, sir, the Queen will.'

'You know her?'

'Very well, sir. I'm most familiar with her Naples.'





'Ah. Once more we return to hallowed Tver, replete with the spils of a victorious campaign! Truly, Dobczynski, I am at home in the fires of battle! To what element would I be better suited?'

'Polonium?'

'What?'

'Nothing, sir. Do carry on.'

'What has happened whilst I have been bestriding the stately tent of war?'

'Actually, things have been going pretty well, sir.'

'Oh. Well, now that I'm back it's time to make things even better! I shall promote harmony amongst our fractious nobility, soothe the tensions between the lawmakers of this great Empire.'





'Oh. I blame the Duke of Rzhev! He is sabotaging me!'

'Yes, sir. Definitely the Duke of Rzhev. The King of Poland as well. And the Prince of Tver is the worst of all.'

'Dedinitely! We shall have to deal with these miscreants at the earliestholdonI'mKingofPolandandPrinceofTver'

'Really? Oh, well. Surely shome mishtake, then.'

'Indeed. Well, I shall let it slide. I'll have a nice quiet couple of weeks.'

'Oh? How come, sir?'

'My lovely Czarina Erzsabet has taken Prince Svyatoslav for a short holiday to Venice.'

'Err...she hates him, sir, what with him being your bastard with the maid and all.'

'Poor Natalia. Tragic what happened to her.'

'Yes. Who could have knows that a Little Walk In The Woods To Get To Know Each Other with the Czarina could end so tragically.'

'But she has changed, Dobczyński! She used to dislike him, true enough. Heavens know why!'

'I just explained for people who might have forgotten...'

'But she has taken to him like he was her own son!'

'Not sure why I do that, actually...'

'She says that young Svyatoslav wants her to take him to swim in the famous, newly-acquired canals of Venezia.'

'That's a suspiciously eloquent and specific request for a ten-year-old.'

'He is special, like me! And she assures me that the waters of Venice are very clean and completely healthy to swim in and drink!'

'Will the Czarina be joinign the young Prince is said endeavours.'

'Poor Erzsabet is hydrophobic. Being from a landlocked country and all.'

'Of course.'

'Why the worried face, Dobczyński? What could possibly go wrong?'





'I am cursed, Dobczyński.'

'Not for me to say, sir. And I suppose the Czarina is also horrified at the entirely surprising demise of your illegitimate offspring?'

'She is distraught, of course. She has been doing the Hungarian National Mourning Dance all day.'

'Ah. Mourning. I did hear her whooping with sorrow earlier.'

'Well. It does strangely seemed to have increased her enthusiasm for some activities. Her way of getting it out of her system I suppose.'

'Definitely, sir.'





'Now, do try and keep this one alive, would you sir?'

'Hmph. Ambassadors from our neighbours are saying that she is going to grow up an idiot!'

'Really? I wonder what could possibly give them that impression. I'll go and ease the tension by telling them how utterly unlikely it is that she won't be a very capable ruler.'





'Now, the colonies. Are we ready to take back our province from the white menace?'

'Almost, sir. But first, there's a Foudning Father in Kamigawa.'





'Meaning what?'

'Not...totally sure, sir. We have the option to be nasty to him, but I don't think he'll do any harm.'

'Very well. What's this I hear about Liberals?'

'Ah, Liberals. You can't trust them, sir. You give them a chance and they'll turn out to be well-disguised Conservatives.'

'Hah! Good one. I'll say that to the leader of the Liberal wing in the parliament, he'll be amused.'

'I wouldn't do that if I were you, sir.'

'Nonsense! Why shouldn't I?'





'Why is there a huge dent in that desk, Dobczyński?'

'No reason, sir. And it's definitely not in the shape of my forehead.'

'Good. Now, is it my imagination, or are our enemies being slightly less nasty about us at the moment?'

'That's thanks to Bogdan, sir.'

'Who?'

'Ambassador Bogdan Mikulinksy. Very friendly man.'





'So, our international standing is restored?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Good. Then it's time to give those Austrians a good seeing-to!'

'...yes, that will definitely not undo all his good diplomatic work.'

'You have concerns.'

'Actually, no, sir. My parents were almost destroyed by the Austrians. I'm more than happy to see them get another sound thrashing.'





Tverian spies had disrupted all attempts by Austria to either fortify Shiribishi, to convert its inhabitants' religious beliefs or to replace the population with Austrian colonists. Occupying the 'Austrian' province was a simple task.





In the southern European theatre, Tver's armies made a series of coordinated advances into Austrian territory, laying siege to Milan, Kärnten, Trent and the fortified stronghold of Tirol





The main threat would come from Austria's allies, particularly the powerful Duchy of Burgundy. A massive Burgundian counterattack forced the Tverian armies to abandon Milan.





The Czar was unconcerned.

'A mere setback, Dobczyński. Now is the time. We lay siege to their provinces!'

'Yes, sir.'

'Then let us complete their defeat – that rhymes, you know – on the open seas!'

'I'll get the Lord Admiral at once, sir.'

'Admiral? Pah! I shall lead this glorious triumph myself!'

'Sir, I really don't think this is a good plan.'

'What now, Dobczyński? This is no world-spanning naval power like Naples! We have crushed Austria's navy before. We outnumber and outgun them twice over! It will be a massacre – and I shall lead it!'

He did indeed lead a massacre.





'Naval warafre is horrible.'

'Is it, sir. I sometimes think our enemies always know where our ships are regardless of anything.'

'Bah. But! We have won, have we not?'

'Comprehensively, sir.'

'Then let us punish them like the very bad people they are.'

'With the greatest of enthusiasm, sir.'





Austria removed from the war, only Burgundy remained as a threat to the Commonwealth – but with her armies advancing into Tver's Italian holdings, the way was clear for a massive counter-attack through Germany. Seeing the approaching armies of the Imperial Commonwealth, the Duke of Burgundy offered peace – which Dobczyński was all too happy to accept before anything else could go wrong.





Another great victory, then, for the Imperial Commonwealth of Tver, and while the navy's struggles were a matter of grave concern, on land her forces were unmatched anywhere in Europe or Asia.