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Cracking stuff, filled with memorable lines very, very amusing, I am of course subscribed! I have to ask though, how exactly can you breath through your nose? And where can I get myself a rainbow waistcoat?

I have enjoyed many AARs of different styles, but my overall favouriote has to be that of my fine compatriot morningsideR: Here.

I'll send you the bribe soon!
 
@morningSIDEr: It better be in post, sunshine, ah ken whaur ye stye. Might have colourful waistcoats in Jenners? Haven't been in since the doorman winged me during my last escape. Still hurts like a bastard in winter. This game's got harder since they started carrying automatic weapons. You oot the jile? Tried to send ye a file in the post but didnae ken if they'd check the cake proper.

Thanks to all for replies and encouragement - keeps it near the top of the page ;) I'll try and get some play time in over the next few days.
 
Episode III: Through AdTversity

Dobczyński rapped on the door. ‘Sir?’

‘Go away.’

‘Sir, is there anything I can do?’

‘You can go away.’

The Polish mercenary sighed, and walked away. He didn’t blame Mikhael Rurikovich (II), King of Tver, for wanting to be alone. It had not been a vintage few years.

It had started well enough. A few years ago, the king had had an idea.

‘I have a clever government, Dobczyński! They are so clever that they have said that they will accept one of my ideas!’

‘Incredible! A government accepting a king’s ideas? Which one did you choose?’

‘I said that instead of just giving our soldiers a stick and pointing them at the enemy, we should actually tell them what to do with it!’

1idea.png


‘Incredible! They’ll be letting you have more colonists next!’

‘even better, Dobczyński: Novgorod have let us move our troops through their territory. We can crush revolts in Vladimir!’

2access.png


‘Hooray!’

A few days later, though, a horseman turned up with a manic grin and a scribbled note.

3thesecnuts.png


‘What? Why?’

‘We haven’t attacked you in five years. We’re going to do it again!’

‘But why?’

‘That’s what we do. We’re going to invade your lands, destroy your armies, then go home. We just love annoying Europeans.’

Over the following years of conflict, Tver’s main form of income came in the form of foreign aid...

4polishhelp.png


Faced with battle, the king put on his waistcoat and hat of battle, and rode to meet the enemy on their own territory. This terrifying sight caused the enemy to falter, clutching at their eyeballs, allowing the Grand Army of Tver to drive them from the field.

5fight.png



6win.png


The defenders of Ryazan were overrun by the Russian townsfolk, who opened the gates, allowing the Tverian troops to take control.

7siesgewin.png


The king had smiled as he rode into the town. ‘Quickly. To solidify our control, we must start populating this town.’

‘We can’t, sir.’

‘What? Why not?’

‘Because some idiot decided that, because we haven’t owned Vladimir for long enough, we aren’t allowed to colonise.’

‘WHAT?’

‘I know. It’s incredibly stupid, broken, and is a symptom of the mess that Eastern Europe has turned into.’

‘So we can’t take any territory off these bastards?’

‘No, sir.’

‘But they can task it off us?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Bring me a head. A Swedish one, preferably.’

‘Swedish?’

‘I get the nagging feeling that the Swedes are ultimately responsible for this in a very convoluted way that I will never truly understand.’

‘Yes sir. And by the way, here come a huge army of gibbering loons with scimitars.’

‘How can they have such large armies?’

‘You might want to blame the Swedes for that one as well, sir.’

‘When we are a mighty power, Dobczyński, they will pay. I will burn IKEA to the ground. They’ll have to build a new capital. Probably in their stock room.’

‘Becoming a stock home, in a way, sir.’

‘I suppose so. Anyway...battle?’

‘Not a good idea, sir.’

‘No...maybe not. Retreat, then.’

8lost.png


‘Ask them to put a stop to this nonsense. They don’t even have a Casus Belli! The Swiss must help us!’

‘They won’t help us against Hordes, sir. Apparently they’re a protected species.’

9bad.png


‘Retreat into Tula.’

‘They’re following us, sir.’

‘Oh, cholera...’

‘Glad to see you’re picking up the language, sir.’

10bad.png


‘Even worse, sir. The garrison of Vladimir has surrendered.’

11goingbad.png


‘The Horde are at war with the Poles again, sir, but they can’t stop them. They have enough troops to fight us, the Poles and the Lithuanians. At once. Probably while juggling.’

12roflstomp.png



‘We must defend the capital! Muster all our remaining forces at the gates of Tver! We must hold at all...’

13kick.png

‘No, not like that! Like this!’

14kicking.png


‘Oh, no, not...well...but we’ll...’

15hump.png


Kurka wodna...

‘Swearing won’t get us anywhere, sir.’

‘To Rzhev, then! Our final stronghold! We will...’

16thrh.png


‘Well. Piss. This war is pointless, anyway. We can’t take territory off them, they can’t take it off us...’

‘Sir...’

17vlad.png


‘WHAAAAT?’

‘I know, sir. I know.’

‘How can they...’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘But we can’t...’

‘No, sir. Their envoy has come offering peace. He asks us to concede defeat.’

‘We offered to concede defeat. Fourteen times.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘And now they offer the same bloody terms?’

Dokładnie.’

‘They are all liars, thieves, bastards, heathens, scoundrels and female undercarriages.’

‘Yes, sir. I’ll tell him that you accept.’

18pax.png


‘There’s some good news, sir.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Novgorod have guaranteed our independence.’

Dobczyński gave an enthusiastic grin, and thumbs up. The king turned, walked into his study...and had been there for four days, opening the door only to take food and wine.

19frownmap.png


Sighing, Dobczyński returned the re-drawn map of Tver to the shelf. It had been, on many levels, a frustrating couple of years.
 
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Gentles all, my apologies for the quality of writing in this update. I found it hard to think of anything vaguely amusing about a period which, I have to say, I really didn't enjoy at all. I don't mind a challenge. I knew that Tver would be a difficult nation to play as. But I hadn't realised just how frustrating the Horde mechanics can be. I'm not sure if there's anything more I can do with this AAR: I'll try and get myself to continue it, but with the invincible Horde on one side, casually gobbling up everyone who comes close, and a much stronger Novgorod who could kill me any time they wanted (and probably will soon, given their reaffirmed Guarantee of my independence)...I'm not feeling great about this game at the moment. :(
 
Don't give up just yet! This is too well-written and interesting to leave it behind.....maybe you can grab some territory on the other side of Poland and Lithuania - away form the Horde as a refuge in case it's required. I know when I played a game as Genoa having Genoa far from the Horde let me survive the difficult days and eventually they crumbled! Maybe an alliance with Novgorod or a guarantee of their independence would help? (Or it might bring those Swedes swarming all over the place....) sigh.....

Sometimes the Horde can't deal with all the wars it has going on at once (although they do manage to do some amazing things in the games I've played!), and maybe you can manage to do enough damage in partnership with the Poles and Lithuanians to get somewhere.....

I'm totally enjoying it! Play for a bit longer!
 
As someone who's played probably a combined total of 100+ games as all the Russian countries combined, I can say you're still looking fine. Focus on gov for Mil drill, then land tech. Take any land grab you can get away with. Scorched Earth as much as you can, get mil access so your troops have a place to flee when things are to hot. If all else fails, offer tribute. You might even consider that on day 1 of your next GH war, just to get some breathing space. Once you have land tech 10, you should be able to grab a province from the Horde, colonize it quick, bleed them out with scorched earth, then they'll usually make peace. Try to not let them assault anyplace by keeping troops next to stacks, then slam them once attrition has taken a toll but before they capture a province. It's never easy -at first- but eventually it gets much better. The first fight with them is always the hardest.
 
Very intveresting indeed, this is nerv racking but enjoyable. I think the reason why you couldn't colonize was not because Vladimir wasn't a core, but because it wasn't connected to your capital.
 
I'd agree with the above, it doesn't look that bad. The horde is a major constraint on Russian development, but with some luck you can ride that out - as above you've briefly lost your border with them so that helps. Beyond that, you've developed a decent power base and that NI will give your troops some advantage.
 
Thanks all. In hindsight, doing the writeup and commentary so soon after the event was unwise: as you could probably tell I was rather annoyed with how it had gone. I've tasted defeat in this game before, but not in quite as frustrating a way. However, at least I know the Horde mechanics a little better now, and you all got to laugh at my ineptness ;)

@Facit: Quite possibly, I can't remember the exact reason. In hindsight, taking Vladimir at all was an error, I just really wanted to have a metal rpovince to add some variety. Besides, I didn't know that Ryazan would be the one Russian state to be annexed rather than vassalised.

Incidentally, I checked during that game, and Release Vassals is available as a peace option: might get a chance if I can hit them during a succession crisis, or while they're losing a war to somebody else...we shall see.

It's a bit dispiriting to have -30 Prestige, but...oh well. We shall see. Thanks for all comments and, as ever, any suggestions are most welcome (I'm not sure how clear the AAR is from a tactcial point of view, but I had to cut a lot of screenshots of troops movements to keep under the limit of 20).

Extra note: I screwed up one of the images, showing the Novgorodian Military Access one twice instead of the Golden Horde's Declaration of ROFLStomp. Fixed.

Anyway. I'll be continuing, and hopefully opportunity will knock: a fractured Lithuania or an overrun Novgorod are my main wishes at the moment.
 
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Episode IV: Tverequiem for a Dreamer

Dobczyński sat at the wooden desk outsider the king’s study, going through a pile of reports. He read each, then threw it onto the fire. He was under strict royal instruction that all bad news was to be burned, and the fireplace was roaring merrily.

Suddenly, the door burst open, and Mikhael Rurikovich, King of Tver, strode into view, wearing a lime green bath robe and an expression of stoicism.

‘Dobczyński!’

‘Your majesty!’

‘My period of mourning is over, Doczyński. It is time for action! This country won’t run itself.’

Over the previous week, the country’s production output had in fact risen fourteen percent, but the king’s faithful servant chose not to remark upon this.

‘So! What is happening?’

‘Well, sir. I decided – along with the council of nobles – to refocus our military efforts from our non-existant navy towards our existant army.’

‘The navy is the pride of the nation.’

‘It has no boats.’

‘It is flawless!’

‘We don’t even have a bloody coastline, sir.’

‘Give me that report.’ The king snatched the piece of paper from Dobczyński’s hand. ‘See! Our shipyards are suffering, you fool!’

1badnaval.png


‘What shipyards?’

‘I will not tolerate suffering that I did not personally cause!’

‘Then sign the bill, sir. Then you will have caused it personally.’

‘Ah...good thinking, Dobczyński. Lateral.’ He signed the document. ‘Next?’

‘The merchants are arguing, sir.’

‘Over what?’

‘Don’t know. But apparently we should go for either Mercantilism or Free Trade.’

‘I believe in freedom. Freedom is sacred. Go for freedom.’

‘Sir.’

2trade.png


‘Very well. In addition, we should...’ The king trailed off as he looked out of the window. ‘Dobczyński!’

‘Sir?’

‘What the devil is going on, Dobczyński? There are hordes of Tartars marching across my lawn!’

3oi.png


‘Ah. Yes. Apparently they’re allowed to do that, sir, even without Military Access. And we’re not allowed to stop them.’

‘Who the hell wrote that piece of legislation?’

‘The European Freedom of Movement agreement, I think. A Holy Roman Empire directive.’

‘Can we do that to them?’

‘No, sir. Because we are only on the fringes of Europe, we have to take the disadvantages of European legislation, but not gain the benefits. On the bright side, we have gained twenty new Tartar caterers working for three bobbins a week.’

‘Oh. Well, that’s good. What else has happened?’

‘Novgorod have barred our merchants from their Centre of Trade, sir.’

4barred.png


‘Did we have any merchants in Novgorod?’

‘Not trading, sir. Apparently they had a bit too much to drink, got into a fight with the local constabulary and set fire to a windmill.’

‘Those scamps...a useful Casus Belli, though.’

‘Against Novgorod? Yes, sir. If a chance comes, we can attack them. Their army is much larger than ours, though. We had to disband two regiments last week to cut our costs.’

‘We shall see, Dobczyński...’

The palace surgeon ran into the room.

‘Sire! Sire!’

‘What is it, man? How dare you interrupt!’

‘I am sorry, sir, but...your son is ill, sir.’

‘Ill? How is he ill?’

‘He’s a strange colour, sir, and coughs a lot. He has been heard speaking in tongues.’

‘Heavens above. We must send for a trained medicus!’

Dobczyński shook his head. ‘We can’t afford one, sir. Would you mind if I went to see him?’

‘What? Oh, very well. Look at him. I can’t stand illness...I might become ill too! Then where would the western world be?’

‘I suggest you go to the chapel, sir, and pray for his life. I will return shortly.’

5illness.png


Later, the king exited the palace chapel, to find Dobczyński waiting outside. The Polish mercenary, secretary and general dogsbody gave him a thumbs-up.

‘He’s fine, sir. Just a cold.’

‘The speaking in tongues?’

‘I’ve been teaching him Polish, sir. He was practicing the verb “być: to be”.’

‘Oh. Well, I can understand the error. Filthy language.’

Zgadzam się.’

‘Don’t you bloody start.’

‘Sorry, sir. Anyway. While you were praying, an interesting development to the north-west.’

6denpskov.png


‘What does that have to do with us?’

‘Novgorod Guaranteed Pskov, sir. They’re now fighting the whole of Scandinavia, plus a group of small German states with nothing better to do.’

‘Interesting...let us keep an eye on the situation.’

‘By the way, the Metropolitan has condemned the court philosopher as a heretic.’

‘Why?’

‘I think he just doesn’t like him.’

‘Well, I do like him. I like philosophy. Innovative! Thoughtful!’

‘They say the Dangerous Ideas might spread.’

‘Nonsense! Tell the metropolitan what he can do with his condemnation.’

‘Sir. Oh, and there has been an uprising in Vyazma.’

‘Rebel scum?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Then bring me my sabre. I need some exercise.’

8rebels.png


‘The joke works better for Empires, sir.’

‘All in good time, Dobczyński, all in good time. Now, then. What’s going on in the north?’

‘The Teutonic Order has been completely annihilated, sir. Poland has taken Gdańsk back, Brandenburg and Denmark have partitioned the rest.’

9newmanage.png


‘See? That’s what happens when you break alliances.’

‘Actually, sir, we broke the alli...’

‘Next?’

10timur.png


‘Well, that’s...different.’

‘They’re reinventing themselves, Dobczyński. Maybe I should do the same. Start wearing a fez, perhaps.’

‘Maybe later, sir. Oh. And the Prime Minister has written a book.’

‘Heavens! Has he dedicated it to me?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Good man! Let his fame spread throughout Europe and beyond!’

11gd.png


‘I will celebrate my newfound fame...by trying out my new shoes.’

‘New shoes, sir?’

‘But not just any shoes...the cobbler called them...rollerskates!’ He proudly opened the shoebox at his side, showing Dobczyński the shoes, with small wooden wheels on the bottom.

‘Very...unique, sir.’

‘I thought so. I’ll just give them a try on the polished landing at the top of the stairs. What can possibly go wrong?’

12newking.png


Mikhail II Rurikovich, King of Tver, had died as he had lived: ludicrously optimistic.
 
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Not enough puns. I came here puns, dammit! And all I got was pop culture references and absurdity!
 
Awesome death and Awesome Creativity :)
 
‘I will not tolerate suffering that I did not personally cause!’

‘Then sign the bill, sir. Then you will have caused it personally.’

‘Ah...good thinking, Dobczyński. Lateral.’ He signed the document.

I love this little exchange, truly brilliant. Although not quite as brilliant as Mikhail's death, he went out the way he would have liked, promoting innovative fashion! Good stuff on the whole, apart from the Golden Horde proving such a pain in the backside, hopefully Aleksandr is able to deal with them at some point in the future though.
 
RIP you optimistic little daredevil! Tver will remember you forever.
 
I'm so glad you kept this one alive; it's brilliant!
 
Episode V: All The Tvun Of The Tver

The simple circlet of gold was placed upon the young man’s head. Clad in a fur-trimmed robe of deepest maroon, draped around his broad shoulders and fastened with a silver clasp, he rose from the ornamental chair. To a man, the assembled nobility dropped to one knee.

‘God save the king! Long live the king!’

Aleksandr Rurikovich, the new King of Tver, strode past the assembled men, down the aisle of halberds presented by his honour guard, and out of the cathedral’s nave. There was work to be done.

He returned to the palace, striding up the grand staircase towards the study. By a table outside stood Mirosław Dobczyński, his father’s faithful retainer. By the old soldier’s side stood his son, Bronisław, Aleksandr’s long-time friend.

‘You’re sure thet you vant to leave, Dobczyński?’

‘You are too kind, your majesty. But I’m getting too old for the...excitements of this country. It’s time I returned to Poland. I’ll live out my years in Płock, telling stories.’

‘And vhat stories you’ll heve to tell. Vell, Bron. Ready to take your father’s place?’

‘Certainly am, Alek...your majesty.’ Dobczyński junior raised his head. ‘Your faithful servant.’

‘I would trust nobody else, my friend. So be it.' he turned to the older man. 'Farewell, Dobczyński. Be as happy as you deserve.’

‘Thank you your majesty. Look after him, Bron.’

‘I will, father.’ Dobczyński senior kissed his son, and his former charge, and stepped out of the palace. He mounted his horse, took one final look at the royal palace of Tver, and rode off towards the green hills of home.

The young king and his new retainer watched as the veteran warrior disappeared out of sight. Then, Aleksandr Rurikovich slapped his companion on the arm, and turned towards the campaign map on the table. The king was, to use the technical term, irritatingly handsome. Almost two metres tall, broad of shoulders and rugged of jawline, he spoke five languages and was a talented student of warfare. Old Dobczyński had taught him well – and young Dobczyński had long been his sparring partner.

‘Very vell. Let os begin. First item of business?’

‘Either our reseach into stealth technology has gone much better than expected, or people are going missing.’

14peopledisappear.png


The king waved Dobczyński’s concerns away. ‘Is Russia, Dobczyński. People always go missing. Is like netional pestime.’

‘That’s only good when we want them to disappear, isn’t it.’

To prawda...talking of which, half-brother Dmitriy vas looking shifty at my coronation. I think he is jealous.’

‘He is popular at court, sir, and has many friends. Potentially dangerous.’

‘I agree...I think I should get to know him better. Ve vill go for a hunting acc...acce...vhat vas I saying?’

‘Expedition, sir?’

‘That’s the one. Expedition.’

15oops.png


‘So terrible. Will compose sad melody for him using haircomb.’

‘Touching, sir.'

'It breaks heart, Dobczyński.'

'Incidentally, sir, your archery has improved greatly in recent weeks.'

'You think so? Spaseeba.'

'Next, apparently our Naval Research is wrong.’

16navres.png


‘Demn straight it is. Ve don’t hev navy. Anyone who is doing naval research is idiot.’

‘I could hardly agree more, sir. Oh, a petition from the peasantry, sir.’

‘Vhat do they vant?’

‘Now that you are king, sir, they want you to stop walking around the villages naked.’

1redress.png


‘Must I? Is refreshing! And healthy, doctor says. I em noble of Tver, half-man, half-bear. And bear does not wear ermine.’

‘All the same, sir. It’s causing loss of production output amongst ninety-five percent of our female workforce. And at least five percent of the men.’

‘Very vell. I vill vear pair of socks.’

‘A good start.’

‘And cheeky smile.’

‘And the most important piece of news, sir – Novgorod are at war with the Danes again.’

‘Again? They already lost Neva.’

‘They were still guaranteeing Pskov, my lord, and the Danes have decided to take more territory off them.’

‘They honour alliances? Not proper Russian. Ve show sem how proper Russian fights. So they now at var with half of norsern Europe?’

‘Yes, sir. All of Scandinavia plus various Catholic minors I’ve never heard of.’

‘A Slavic brother in dire need of assistance against western enemies. We must intervene.’

‘What sort of intervention, sir?’

2warrrrrrrrr.png


‘Ah. That kind.’

Production in Tver’s three provinces went into overdrive. Three more army regiments were recruited, the new armoury complex in Rzhev pumping out swords and helmets for thousands of eager recruits. Then, the assembled forces of Tver marched north, over the border into beleaguered Novgorod.

The Tverian troops laid siege to every town they came across. Dobczyński had years of experience in the Polish army, fighting the Teutonic Order and the Golden Horde, and the king did not hesitate to place him in command of the advance party sent into Archangelsk to hunt down Novgorod’s depleted army.

3battle.png


Sadly, history would not credit him with the victory. The Novgorodians swiftly made peace with Denmark, giving up more territory to the rampant westerners to try and marshal their pitiful resources against this new enemy.

4danpeace.png


Their efforts, though, were in vain. More troops poured across the border. The king remained in Tver, issuing orders through his trusted lieutenants. The last significant resistance destroyed, the Tverians laid siege to Novgorod’s cities.

5sieges.png


A desperate counter-attack in Archangelsk was swiftly dispatched by the well-ordered Tverian soldiers.

6fight.png


So desperate was Novgorod’s position, that another neighbour sensed an opportunity. In a rare show of aggression, the Archbishop of Riga declared war upon the ‘heretics’ of Novgorod, seeking to wrest control of Estonian Ingermanland from the Russians.

7honourable.png


The next report to land on the king’s desk made him smile: the garrison of Beloozero had surrendered to the Tverian forces.

8beloozfalls.png


The next prize was the greatest: the capital city itself, its walls crumbling under catapult fire and populace starving, opened the gates to allow in the attackers.

9novgowin.png


The king had one main concern: the Golden Horde were on the march in Lithuania again. If they were successful enough, they could once again border Tverian territory. He hoped dearly that the Lithuanians would be able to retake their cities and drive the Tartars back into the east.

10notgoodGH.png


Other than this worry, though, all was rosy in the garden of Tver. Dobczyński rode back to Tver to personally report the fall of Archangelsk, their capitulation swiftly followed by that of the defenders of Ustyug.

11arkh.png


12nextsiege.png


Worrying news, though, was soon to reach the king. Bryańsk, over the Lithuanian border, had been overrun by the Golden Horde, towns and villages sacked by the rampant Tartars. Not only was this distressing in general – the people of Bryańsk were Russians, like themselves – this meant that the Horde now had a foothold in a neighbouring province. Sure enough, with a crushing inevitability, another grinning, mad-eyed horseman rode into Vyazma with a scribbled declaration of unjustified hostility.

13nomads.png


A legion of Tartars poured into Vyazma soon after, overrunning the town. The defenmders soon ahd no choice to surrender, the news reaching Aleksandr as that which he had been waiting for: the surrender of the main Novgorodian garrison in Kholm. The war was over. Tver was Tvictorious.

14winloss.png


The young king sent his demands to the Prince of Novgorod, which were swiftly accepted. Tver took control of Novgorod’s central territories, as well as receiving substantial reparations for the inconvenience they had caused. Because war, dear friends, is very inconvenient.

15winnnnn.png


Swiftly, the victorious armies of Tver headed south to drive the Tartars out of Vyazma. First, though, Aleksandr sent a messenger to the leader of the Horde, offering a symbolic concession of defeat. Thankfully, the leader of the Horde accepted, choosing to focus on their attack on Poland and Lithuania. There was little Tver could do to stop the onslaught, so a temporary truce was the most prudent course of action. Little had been lost – and much had been gained.

Back in the palace, Aleksandr walked with Dobczyński to the window, looking out at the expanded kingdom.

‘A great victory, sir.’

‘It was. It was. A great beginning, Dobczyński.’ A smile played across the handsome face of the prince of Tver. ‘But there is more work to be done. Come. Let us build a bright, and glorious Tvuture.’

Tak jest.’ The two men settled down over the redrawn map.

16worldunfurled.png
 
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