On The Reign of Teutobod of the Dagaricid Clan - 482-487 A.U.C.
On The Reign of Teutobod of the Dagaricid Clan - 482-487 A.U.C.
(272-267BC)
On His Election as High Chief
Teutobod, though a Clan Chief and Administrator, was never seriously considered as High Chief. The real fight was between Teutobod Andicid, cousin of the late chief, and Gunthamund Marbodid. Both sides were ready for war and a few kin of each contender had already been violently murdered when Tassilo Gelimerid, a lesser contender, had one of the few true insights in Vandal history.
The Tribe, he noted had not yet recovered from Ageric's bloody reign. In fact, the Horde was still under-strength by 1,000 men and there were no reserves. A bloody civil war would only further ruin the tribe and leave them open for easy conquest.
Usually, a speech of this much sense would be followed by the vicious murder of the speaker but, after 17 years of Ageric's rule, even the Vandals were tired of violence. So, they elected Teutobod. Mostly because he was old and weak.
On the Generally Low Regard The Vandals Hold Him In
Teutobod is considered a complete failure by the Vandal Lawspeakers. The main reason for this is that he did not fight a single major war and only launched two campaigns. One a single revenge campaign against a wandering tribe of Germans and the other was the defeat of a minor rebellion in Suebi. He left the Horde at full strength and had rebuilt the reserves to 500 men, even with losing 1,000 heavy infantrymen to the Barbarians.
Another reason the rest of the Tribe hated him was his decision to embrace Civilization. Granted, it was in a thoroughly Vandal method. They would kidnap Greek merchants and feed their brains to Lawspeakers, but still, it was a start. Vandals hate nothing more than Civilization. Except personal hygiene. They really hate that too.
Finally, his forgiving and peaceful nature largely confounded his tribe-mates who could not conceive of any way of life outside of plundering, mob violence and blood-feuds.
On the Violent End of his reign
The final straw, so far as the Vandals were concerned, came in 487 A.U.C. (267BC). The strongmen of the tribe had grown fearful and jealous of the Sicambri, the dominant tribe in the region. Their land was twice the size of the Vandals and their army equally powerful. However, they were engaged in a minor civil war. The various clan heads declared this the time to pounce and destroy this potential foe. Never mind the part where the Vandal Horde still lacked reserves and a long war would doom the tribe. Teutobod decided on another path, instead making overtures towards the Sicambri and attempting to join them in an alliance.
The Sicambri, being composed of sane individuals, naturally refused to associate themselves with the vile Vandals and so declined the offer. When this humiliating news reached the tribe, Teutobod Dagaricid was promptly strangled to death by Teutobod Andicid the Elder, who declared he could not share a name with so cowardly a man. Usually the murderer of a High-Chief would be boiled alive along with his family, but such was the distaste felt for Teutobod Dagaricid that his murderer was merely banned from assuming the High-Chieftainship.
On His Attempt to Strengthen the High-Chieftainship
Teutobod, quite rightly, feared that the 'first among equals' nature of the High-Chief position would cause the more strong willed and violent of his co-chiefs to disregard him altogether. This had never come up before as most chiefs simply murdered most of their potential rivals. Teutobod, however, wanted the High-Chief's role as ruler formally accepted by the Lawspeakers.
The only way he could get the other Clan Chiefs to agree to this change was to also get the Lawspeakers to accept the Blood-Feud as the law of the land in all criminal proceeding. Teutobod had no choice but to agree.
So, he strengthened the power of the High-Chief as leader of a Confederation of Clans while at the same time this most peaceful of Vandals legalized and legitimized the Blood Feud in a way not even Ageric had considered. So, he also indirectly killed many Vandals. For this reason, I like him.
An Amusing Anecdote of His Reign
Teutobod was a good father who spent a great deal of time raising his son to be a man of peace and raising him to trust in others. One day, as the High-Chief was giving his son a lesson on forgiveness, the lad asked him a question.
"Father, if we are to forgive others and trust in the goodness of human nature, why do we have so many locked up in the prison?"
"From the mouth of children comes great wisdom," his father answered. The doors of the prison were opened and all were given full pardons.
Both father and son felt very pleased with themselves until, a few months later, a new sculpture appeared in the middle of town. It was a massive statue of the High-Chief carved by Nithard Marbodid, the greatest artist of his generation. Nithard, it should be noted, was one of the prisoners freed by Teutobod's orders.
Ah, what a happy ending, you might say. What a fantastical moral, you might think.
Before you do this though, let me describe the statue for you. True to Nithard's great skill it is a perfect replica of the High-Chief. However, he is dressed in traditional female garb with hair done up in the latest fashion for the wives of the great men. The skirt is pulled up in front revealing a very unimpressive manhood. The statue is winking at the viewer and the lips are puckered in a kiss.
On the base of this statue pictures have been carefully carved that can mean nothing except "Teutobod Dagaricid, High-Whore, attempts to beguile another lover in exchange for a goat."
I have seen this statue with my own eyes as it still stands today. Teutobod could find no one willing to remove it as they all pointed out that pardoning Nithard the Mad was his own fault.
Nithard was restored to jail after this stunt, but the damage was done and Teutobod's reign never recovered. He also stopped taking moral advice from his young son.
A Chronicle of Teutobod Dagaricid's Reign
482 AUC (272BC) - Elected High-Chief at age 52. High-Chief position strengthened as the Blood-Feud is enshrined as law of the land. Hilderic the Bastarnae of the Andicid Clan chosen High-Lawspeaker. Teutobod embraces Greek Civilization, the tastier parts of it anyway. Teutobod releases all the prisoners.
483 AUC (271BC) - Nithard Marbodid makes his great sculpture 'Teutobod the High-Whore.' Nithard re-imprisoned. Sigaric Amandid, son of a released prisoner, begins publicly doubting Teutobod's strength as a ruler, rightly pointing to the statue of 'Teutobod the High-Whore,' still standing in the town square as a sign of weakness. Ageric would have torn it down with his own hands or dressed it in Nithard's entrails. High-Priest Attalus Malaricid declares the gods have informed him the Vandal tribe is going in the wrong direction. Fearing for his safety, Teutobod Dagaricid assumes command of the Horde personally. All in all, not a great year for the High-Chief.
484 AUC (270BC) - Sicambri expand over four tribal lands. Some grumble that the Vandals should expand to match them. Teutobod demurs, claiming the Horde is still not recovered from Ageric's Wars. The Vandals, insensible to reason, hate him for this.
485 AUC (269BC) - Refuses to make Teutobod Andicid's son Teutobod a Bodyguard as Teutobod the Elder not only claims the High-Chieftainship, but also tends to publicly embarrass the high Chief. Teutobod bullies his way into military command of the lesser Horde and immediately begins plotting treason. The High-Chief raises new Heavy Infantry for the Horde. They are massacred by the Silingae Barbarians. Teutobod Dagaricid leads the Horde on a revenge assault on the barbarians, crushing them.
486 AUC (268BC) - The dead Vandals are avenged as the barbarian remnants are crushed. An uprising in Seubi is also crushed. Teutobod Dagaricid gives himself a Victory Parade. Gunthamund the Bastarnae Marbodid, a former army commander and Teutobod Andicid the Elder's rival is murdered during the parade.
487 AUC (267BC) - Teutobod Dagaricid reaches out to the Sicambri in peace. Of course, he is murdered brutally for this aged 59. And his murderer, Teutobod Andicid the Elder, is allowed to go scott free.
