Tales from our Faarthers

[ok look we really need to wrap this up you know … Harry was asking if we needed him to start making space for you]

But look, can’t he wait, in fact can’t I appeal…

[you don’t appeal to us, …. Sir]

But we can’t just skip over the interesting bits where I became an International Statesman, I mean … I got this odd message from the Pope announcing his crusades had been a success so I looked at the map of the Middle East



And Spain ...



But couldn’t really work out why he was so pleased with himself – I’d done so much better

[well sir, Harry is quite good at homing ex-Popes, so that’s not such a good example]

And, I started a youth opportunity programme, see how progressive a monarch I was, I got an even newer and younger spymaster – this one had real potential



[Dmitri sir]


Well he became depressed … must have been all that time in his room



See the rest of the family was doing so well … ok my Grandchild Vysharta lost his mother but seemed to be becoming quite the little warrior … which was useful as I lost another marshall




Oh and then my new wife was seen going around with my new genius spymaster, but in my new role as a benevolent ruler I managed the situation with a great degree of tact:



And then the old moose fever returned,



Anyway, what with the moose wound turning into consumption, I found myself a new Bishop:



This one seemed to be ok, ok not so religious, but not the sort of thing that … Harry … would approve of surely.

And then there was the legacy thing – roads for example



[and conquest, sir]

We’’’’eelll, yes, but you see the return of my old illness gave me ideas about becoming King of Russia, well the best way was to finish off my old plan to conquer the far north:



So here am, start of the campaign at the peak of my powers:



[er we believe that wasn’t the view of anyone else]

And, in any case, Boris, was such a promising prospect

And of we went too war, mind you my new spymaster did seem to have been spending too long skulking in doorways:




And so young too, he should really have known better

[but even at this late stage, you still managed to accumulate new feuds … and damage another Marshall]






and even with another lisping marshall, the war was going so well when:



And here I am …

[ok sir, pity it took you a while but lets see what we have … I think we’ll have to let the falsification charge go … clearly the tapestry does show you raiding a baggage train … Gabi has told us we’re on weak grounds with the vengeance charge … it does seem as if most of your wars sort of happened whilst you were around, rather than the result of deliberate planning …

Harry has indicated he doesn’t want Hell cluttered with idiots, think he prefers the more deliberately malign …

so there’s a nice spot on the third terrace of Purgatory, seems to fit you well … a bit smoky, everyone rather confused …

which seems a very apt metaphor for your life somehow]

So what will Boris do with the kingdom, will he be a simpler case for the bureaucracy to allocate, just what is Dante's take on stupidity?

​

Come on where are the valkyries, I should be in Valhalla by now

[ah sir, welcome, if you’d like to wait a moment or two … you do now have eternity you know]

Who are you … look I was a great King and I died in battle so I’ll just go on to Valhalla if you don’t mind

[well that is the first problem]

Problem what do you mean … look I am King Boris and I know what to do with problems

[well you weren’t very successful dealing with problems when you were alive]

A strange spluttering sound is heard from Boris … “listen, just to repeat, I was King Boris of Finland and I’m off to Valhalla”

[and … to be precise it’s a bit unclear if you died in battle]

How do you mean … I was wounded (twice),

[yes but there’s a bit of a gap between this



And you arriving here … so its not really clear if Valhalla is the best option, see it’s a bit hazy if you actually died in battle so to speak

And, we have rival bids for you … Harry thinks you’re his on the basis of this



And Hel reckons you belong in Niflhelm in recognition of all this]







You mean that just because I assassinated my nephew and let a few pagans do their thing … I don’t go to Valhalla?

[well we need to sort out a few things … hopefully you’ll be less complex a case than your father … Harry and Gabi are still in the courts arguing over him and his various precedents]

Why did Boris assasinate Vyshata? Was he pagan enough to escape Harry? How much was left of Mstislav’s kingdom by the time he died?
​

sound of impatient foot stamping ... "Ok, where are you … I want to go to Valhalla and now"

[this won't take long but if you would just calm a little we can finish the formalities so much quicker … there are just a few little things that need to be sorted out before you go anywhere]

What things? – this should be easy, I was a warrior King, I died, what else do you need to know

[well we’ve been over this, but there is a real doubt that you actually died in battle]

Look I want away from this place – I’m fed up with that scaly person with bad breath, poking me and saying I’ll fit nicely into the first circle of level IX

[well you did murder your nephew … so it’s a good fit]

And that woman who keeps on cackling that its ‘cold where you are going’

[well if we hand you over to her that is quite likely … look if it helps its really rather simple … from the records it appears as if the only important factor was whether or not you belong in the Norse or the Christian afterlife]

But that doesn’t take account of all my noble deeds on the battlefield

[ach it’s a repeat of his father – he wants to give us context … and details … … oh well ---- ok sir, as you wish, it may help if we understood why you did some things]

Do I get a royal scribe and bard

[No, just yourself … please or Harry will get impatient and that usually causes all sorts of upset]

Well at the start I inherited a war, empty coffers, but at least my brother was still on my side:



Though they all became troublesome very quickly – and I had no money to buy them off:



[it was at this stage you started to favour the pagans?]

Well at the start the rebellious peasants just wanted the usual things, anyway I gave in:



In the meantime my father’s old guard continue to keep me busy with their various ailments, and then having hissy fits and flouncing off:



But by the end of 1097, I’d won the war in the north, and allocated the conquests to loyal (briefly) members of the court, and the level of disloyalty drops



So this seemed a good time to expand the realm and rather conveniently Moskva broke away, so:



[yes your father showed a surprising degree of foresight there]

Off we go to war, and then the rebellions started again,

[errr, can we stop you there … you want to be seen as a great warrior?]

I was

[odds of 666:1 in that campaign against Moskva?]

Well the number seemed rather appropriate, and maybe in response, first the new Bishop of North Dvina:



And then Beretsky rebelled as well. Both were retaken fairly quickly and given to more loyal vassals.

Anyway just to keep me on my toes, one of the court brats becomes a poet



Weak willed in case you’re interested. In any case the loyalty situation was getting worse again:



[at which stage you joined up with the pagans?]

Well at the start they blamed me for all sorts of things, so I shifted some policies to appease them,



Made a lot easier by:



I really don’t know where my father found some of them.

[so, sir, a heretic bishop, and some sympathy for your pagan subjects somehow led to assassination?]

Well it became critical to reduce the level of dissent and I decided the best option was to remove some of them from their positions … sort of permanently:



Well that worked but it was discovered, and then the attempt to assassinate his younger brother went very wrong … well it escalated from there, they retaliated by their own assassination and it all rather got out of hand:



So it was sliding into a full scale civil war so I decided the best solution was to escalate it by calling a general mobilisation – best to replace this lot than continue as it was. This provoked a civil war in which I lost all of Estonia, and a fair bit of the south. Look to explain here’s a table:



["Harry what do you think? Oh he's mine, all mine I tell you ... listen scaly he belongs to me ... no me ..." voices disappear leaving Boris looking rather annoyed]

does Boris finish what he started? Does Boris know what he has started? who claims Boris for eternity?​