Suzdal: All We Really Want is Piece (a piece of Muscovy, a piece of...)

[Backpack]

Somewhere deep within the Paradox secret AAR laboratory a doctor in white smock and gloves leans over a disassembled Toshiba laptop …

“Scalpel,” Lord Durham extends an open hand still peering at the exposed hardware. A bead of sweat runs down his brow.

Nurse Trixie hands over the requested instrument, exposes some software and smiles encouragingly.

“Soldering iron”

“Suction…air…suction…no position the light around here so I can attach the electrodes.”

”Doctor really! First you want me to suck, then you want me to blow and now you want kinky positions? I don‘t understand medicine at all.”

*cough* *awkward pause* “Well I think that about does it. Peter Ebbesen’s brain has been melded to the AI for Suzdal. All we have to do now is stand back and enjoy the show.”

*fires up The Grand Campaign*

”Ummm…that isn’t PE’s brain."

“What? Who’s brain is it then?”

”Abby”

“Abby who?”

”Abby Normal”

“OMG! I just put an abnormal brain in charge of Suzdal?! Which one? Let me see the shipping receipt.”

*pause*

“Backpack?! Lord save us all.”

[Backpack]

Okay, so I’m starting another AAR with no time to play and less time to write but I figured it was time someone took a crack at Suzdal and shared their experiences with the forum. Looks like I’m that somebody. Read at your own risk. Updates will be infuriatingly sporadic - so will the plot. Heck, there might not even be a plot. I promise there will be plenty of pelling and spunctuation errors though.

Goals: Survive and then grow large enough to capture 6 Centers of Trade.

[Amric]

Suzdal? Haven't seen that before...should prove to be interesting...very interesting...

[CyBlack]

Suzdal? But...but...it all belongs to Mother Muscovy!!

[Backpack]

1419

Okay, load ‘er up and take a look around. Well at least I can buy infantry cheap which is a good thing since Suzdal is poor. I mean really poor - so poor that they can’t afford shoes and everyone has to jump in fresh cow patties during the winter to keep their feet warm , so poor they can’t even pay attention, 0.6 ducats per month poor.

50% maintenance on 15K of low quality troops is 2.4 ducats but the treasury is at 200. Can’t promote a tax collector so I’ll do a little recruiting - got a feeling I‘m going to need the army soon. Click the slider once towards land.

Diplomatically Muscovy likes me and everyone else is neutral. I’m a vassal of the Golden Horde and have 1 diplomat. How convenient, vassalage ended. As orthodox, I only get a new diplomat something like once every three million years so I won’t be sending skirts out to everyone I can reach.

Novgorod invites me to their alliance and I politely decline with one wary eye on Muscovy and the other on Sweden. My plan is to build troops and wait for an opportunity to dog pile on the guy getting his face kicked in - hopefully it won't be me.

I pull up a chair and wait for the show across my border to start - doesn’t take long. Muscovy DoW’s Novgorod and it’s a seesaw affair. I see Muscovy’s troops leave and I never saw them again. Sweden, Norway and Denmark join the party and it looks like Novgorod’s house is about to get trashed.

1420

I decide to take a swing at the piñata and see what prizes fall out. My armies run through all of the colonies and also start a siege in Olonets after a few battles. Novgorod is pinned down like a skinny guy under a 300 lb woman. They’re getting f’d and it’s ugly.

Novgorod surrenders Olonets to Muscovy for peace just before I take the province. Damn! I start a couple more sieges.

1421

Sweden takes Ingermanland in a peace deal. Novgorod starts building like mad and we fight a few battles. General Winter is also conspiring to kick my tail. I start to worry that I might only get Arkangelsk (lvl 1 colony) out of this deal.

Muscovy breaks their vassalage with Golden Horde. There is a God and he’s Orthodox - thank you, thank you, thank you. Hey good buddy Muscovy care to form an alliance with me and rejoin the war on Novgorod? Offer accepted, Muscovy to the rescue.

1422

The colonies of Kola, Karelia and Arkangelsk to Suzdal and I give Kexholm to Muscovy. Novgorod is down to just their capitol.

1422-1428

I twiddle my thumbs, disband troops, enter a RM with Muscovy, gain MA and sign a trade agreement. Ho hum, also send a few colonists out at 20 ducats a pop.

1429

Max out land slider.
Sweden ends the Kalmar Union. Norway gets annexed. I eye big blue with some concern and pump out a few more troops. The End of Kalmar Union event always seems to happen very early in the game.

1432

I let the alliance with Muscovy run out and recreate it to jump our relations up to +182.
Time to DoW Novgorod again. I don’t ask my “friends” to join since they have a big fat leader and me…well I’ve got the best leader 2 ducats can buy.

1434

Novgorod is annexed and Suzdal is no longer dirt poor.


So far, so good. The northern part of modern day Russia is looking like a patchwork quilt of crimson and gray - reminds me of an Alabama football game. Roll Tide Roll!

[Judge]

Very amusing opening.

Suzdal, well not exactly like driving on autobahn when creating Mother Russia but with Novgorod the glory days are within reach I guess. Interesting to notice that you max out land. Good luck

[Stroph1]

Suzdal. Fun choice. You seem to have survived the hard part and are ready to expand.

It all belongs to Suzdal!

[Amric]

Wow. Very nice, very nice indeed. I love that....twiddle my thumbs, disband troops and enter RM with Muscowy. That was funny...good stuff.

[haaf]

LOL, that was like watching over your shoulder.

Next thing you know there will be some obscure arm pointing at the Golden Horde... 'ow 'bout them then?
I'll follow this one

[Storey]

Poor? You think Suzdal's poor. Hell Georgia can teach Suzdal something about poor. I can't even afford the cows to produce the cowpies to keep my troops feet warm in winter. Georgia's so por that can't afford the second o in poor.

Oh and good luck with Suzdal.

Joe

[Paranoid Tsar]

Looks like Mother Suzdal's off to a good start. With the Novgorod CoT becoming Russia should be within your grasps. Just watch out for those Swedes! Looking forward to the next post.

[Machiavellian]

I like the post. Since I am rather new to this community and alot of the other AAR are already started and having a hangover and not wanting to read more than one or two pages, I have selected your AAR to be the one I shall follow for now. Quite enjoyable so far. Just one question.. where exactly is Suzdal?

[ForzaA]

AAR is good and all.. but you should really have some more of that introduction stuff, now THAT was hilarious

[Backpack]

Cyblack, Sure Muscovy can have it all...temporarily.

Amric, twiddling thumbs is an old pastime of mine - a habit I picked up after reading Storey's Eire AAR.

Judge, Yeah their starting sliders are high on quantity, land and defense. I normally try to increase quality but with a terrible budget took another tack. Armies are pretty weak and I wanted to improve them without driving up my troop costs.

Stroph1, I was pretty nervous the first couple of years praying that Muscovy or Novgorod wouldn't pick me for their first war.

haaf, "Next thing you know there will be some obscure arm pointing at the Golden Horde... 'ow 'bout them then?" You read my mind man.

Joe, Thanks.

Paranoid Tsar, I found a temporary solution to the Swedish problem.

Machiavellian, Suzdal is pinned against Terra Incognita by Muscovy, Novgorod and The Golden Horde. I can't promise much in other departments...but brevity is my specialty. I think my response to you might be the long string of conscious thought to date in this thread.

ForzaA, Glad you liked the intro. Unfortunately, update posts will probably be similar to the last one. Check out AAR's by Storey, heagarty, Edgar Francis, Peter Ebbesen, Honor Shogun, Norgesvenn, Duuk (and LD's Portugal) for some real gutbusters. Sidebar: I'm sure there are a lot of other comedians out there but I haven't gotten to their works yet - or my memory is bad..even worse than some of my puns.

[Judas Maccabeus]

Remind me to go after Suzdal in my Novgorod AAR.

[Backpack]

1434-1452

The winter of 1434 was just like any other winter in Suzdal. It was freezing cold, seemed to last forever, and there wasn’t much to do other than listen to Jimmy Buffet songs, execute a few rebels and dream of summer. It reminded you of those stories your grandfather used to tell about stockpiling firewood and having to walk uphill through snow - both ways.

Actually my grandfather told pretty good stories. One winter he noticed the woodpile was going down faster than it should. What does that old codger do? Well, he takes a chunk of wood, cores it out, fills it with black powder and places it back in the pile. About a week later the guy down the road had his stove explode. Moral of the story? You’ve got to be crafty or the neighbors will steal your stuff.

The neighbor I’m worried about the most at the moment is Sweden. While walking back and forth to the refrigerator - uphill both ways mind you- it hit me (no not the door - or my girlfriend!…but an idea). Just ally with Sweden and never let the alliance expire. Genius. Everything should hold together until someone declares war on Suzdal or Muscovy - might even buy me a couple of decades to build up.

1434-1438

Sweden enters into an RM with Suzdal and agrees to join the Suzdal - Mucsovy Alliance.
I promote a tax collector in Novgorod and rebuild the army up to the max support amount.
That is about it. This whole peace thing is pretty easy to manage.
I watch Mail Call on the History Channel as the years roll by. Man what I wouldn’t give for 24,000 M-1 Garand Rifles in 1436.

1439-1441

Commercial Break. Alliance is about to expire. Sweden probably won’t rejoin (-78) Suzdal’s rep is at 6.7. Time to declare war on somebody - and it’s Pskov. I envision the diplomat saying something like this, “You are pukes! You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human f’ing beings. You are nothing more than unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. This is a declaration of war numbnuts!”

Pskov has no allies, 1 province and 12K troops.
I don’t invite my “friends” and charge across the border to thrash the Pskovites? I have no idea how to pronounce Pskov. Could it be Russian for pshaw? They certainly irritate me over the next 12 months as the same batch of troops keeps coming back again and again. Feels like I’m playing paddleball - not fighting a war. Thankfully the rubber band breaks in 1441 and they zoom off never to return.
Later that year Suzdal annexes Pskov.

1441-1447

More cabin fever as the winters tick by.
Arkhangelsk is finally a city but I can’t afford the walls.
A noble gets assassinated. It’s okay. He probably would have just allied with a foreign power anyway.

1448

Sweden DoW’s Teutonic Order and Denmark. Muscovy drops out but accepts my invitation to rejoin.
The Golden Horde disintegrates. There are so many siege fires burning down there that the snow actually melts in Suzdal.
Snapshot of the Khan meeting with his military advisors
“Scariest environment imaginable...thanks. That's all you had to say, scariest environment imaginable”
But it can always get worse.
Suzdal (alone) declares war on Golden Horde - couldn't help myself. It was as if there was some obscure arm pointing at the Golden Horde... saying 'ow 'bout them then?

1448-1451
Army maintenance stays at 50%. Siege 3 provinces and just build enough troops to replace those that die playing in the snow. Apparently snowball fights and sled races are much more dangerous in Russia.
Sweden pays Teutonic Order 221 ducats for peace. My treasury drops to zero - thanks Sweden (and thanks for pausing that pop up - phew!)
Golden Horde surrenders Kazan and Ryazan to Suzdal for peace.

[Amric]

Sweden had to pay money? What the hell happened? Well at least you got Pskov and a couple of Golden Horde provinces to boot. Can't complain...Good story so far.

[Machiavellian]

Very amusing. I actually laughed out loud a few times reading this. Especially the bit about the obscure arm pointing to the golden horde. With the treasury depleted what is poor Suzdal going to do? As far as Sweden losing the war. Good. Damn bullies. Go Teutons. Ra ra ra... or something like that.

[Amric]

DOn't get too excited....The TO will just DoW Suzdal in the end...I'm guessing within 20 years...if not sooner.

[Backpack]

Machiavellian, the arm belongs to haaf.

Amric, You are probably right since we share a border. A little excitement coming up in the next post.