Rhinelander? 
Another great update Rustican! I can't wait until the Reich turns west!
Another great update Rustican! I can't wait until the Reich turns west!
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Semi-Lobster said:Rhinelander?
Another great update Rustican! I can't wait until the Reich turns west!
Sheech - your post was #501 in the thread..
And I guess Winelander didn't sound good enough..
(Or should it be Wien-lander?)
If Stalin had actually said this in real life, this surely would have gone down as one of the most famous quotes in history
Oh, excuse me Kalpeti. Rustican, I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy. You are the man. Your AAR is the junk! I don't deserve the right to read such a fine work of art.
Better?
Better?
vigilantsldr said:Oh, excuse me Kalpeti. Rustican, I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy. You are the man. Your AAR is the junk! I don't deserve the right to read such a fine work of art.
Better?
Sort of... yes
Moscov February 1943
Seated around the grand table of the Kremlin’s war room, the German high command sits enjoying the calm in the bloody Russian campaigned. Hitler sits at the head of the table, his eyes intent on the glowing computer monitor as he runs the latest Hearts of Iron war simulation. Ribbentrop is on his right going over his papers while Admiral Raeder and field marshals, Rommel, Guderian and von Kluge look to their maps outlining the next offensive that the German war machine will take.
Ribbentrop: How is the latest simulation going mein fuhrer?
Hitler: Quite well actually. As Cuba I’ve managed to annex Hattie! Those Haitians really put up quite a fight. Even tried launching an amphibious assault with their boat people. Anyway let’s get this meeting started. (he takes out the HOI cd from the computer, checks it for scratches and fondly puts in into his coat pocket)
Hitler: Guderian, what do you have for me? With Stalin gone, the German rule of Russia is an inevitability.
Guderian: Yes mein Fuhrer. The trouble lies in convincing the 150 or so left Russian divisions about that. The good news is that they are spread out through out the whole of the country. It is doubtful that the Russian military will ever be able to organize enough strength again to challenge us. They are broken.
Hitler: Excellent… All that’s left then is bringing this miserable excuse of an evil empire into line. Rommel, Guderian!
Rommel/Guderian: Yes mein Fuhrer.
Hitler: Make Russian independence as extinct as the Dodo!
Weary looks pass on the faces of the hardened field marshals but they know their duty and answer confidently.
Rommel/Guderian: It shall be done mein Fuhrer.
Von Kluge: Gosh it’s really a long way to Vladavostock. You guys ought to take the train to get there, unless you like slogging through the frozen wilderness for the fun of it.
Rommel: I’ll talk to my travel agent and get us tickets for the Trans Siberian railroad, Guderian.
Guderian: Can I use the points on my credit card? This counts as a business trip right?
Rommel: Don’t know. I’ll ask though. Lets see… That makes you, me, and 40 divisions of the German armored corps. I hope we can get a group rate or something.
Hitler: Bah! Enough with the details. Just go there, look around a little and kick some ass! Ribbi what else is happening around the world?
Ribbentrop: Aside from us conquering it, nothing much. The British have either grown board of throwing amphibious assaults at Lilly and Gibraltar or they’ve just run out of idiots stupid enough to do it.
Ribbentrop: Our Japanese allies have finally made a push into French controlled Siam and that steady stream of hate mail from Charles De Gaulle has gone to a trickle. TheFrench residence is at it’s breaking point. Every able-bodied man has been called to fight. From the young and old, to doctors and street bums. Even their skilled entertainers. I hear that they have formed a division made up entirely of mimes.
Hitler: My god! They’re sending in the clowns!
Von Kluge: (scratching his head in thought) If a mime is shot in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Guderian: No, if it’s a headshot.
Ribbentrop: In continuing, Italy has mad some good headway in Africa finally engaging South African troops on their own soil. The battle has been bloody on both sides. I suggest we send them an expeditionary force or two to break the deadlock.
Hitler: That’s what allies are for. We’ll loan them some rent-a-tank divisions. That should be enough. What about the Americans? Have they done anything useful lately?
Ribbentrop: They have troops landed on the Japanese mainland and enough planes station there to make a seagull think twice before taking off. But they haven’t advanced any farther as Japanese divisions have finally taken notice and garrisoned the rest of the home islands with troops. It’s a stalemate there.
Hitler: Good! We can’t have our allies the Japanese fall. Then we would never get any decent electronics or animated tentacle p0rnography.
Von kluge: Amen to that. (sees Rommel and Guderian looking at him) I er… meant about the electronics part. Honest.
Hitler: What’s the standing of our armies Rommel?
Romme: They are standing tall sir. We have fielded 82 divisions of advanced medium and improved heavy armor panzers supplemented by 24 more mechanized divisions. Our infantry strength is at 60 divisions strong with an additional 28 divisions of Special Forces consisting of mountain and paratrooper corps.
Hitler: That is something to shake a stick at. Now that Germany has a proper army I believe it is now time to turn to her navy. Let’s make some battleships!
Raeder: (who was leaning back in his chair taking a nap suddenly bolts up wide awake) W-What? Huh? Did I hear somebody say something about battleships?
Hitler: Yes! I want 4 new ships of the line and a dozen more cruisers and destroyers as support built!
Reader: (not believing what he’s hearing.) I woke up right? I’m not having some wet dream right now am I?
Hitler: We’ve go ICs to burn and it’s time to show the British that Germans can swim too. Now, for the air force. How are our planes doing, Georing? Georing? (Looks down the table and see the air Marshal missing) Oh, that’s right, I sent old Hermi to…
Shady Pines Fat Camp February 1943
It’s another cheery day at the fat camp with the rotund camp residents lining up for their noon meal. Georing looking chubby as ever waits on line with everyone else drooling at the prospect of food.
The residents are shuffled down through the mess hall where they are seated and their daily allotment of food is served out to them by cheery busboys and waiters. The meal for the day is a nice garden salad, followed by a rich tomato soup with the main course consisting of some lean prime rib, steamed greens and a baked potato. The house wine is a 1928 merlot with a fruity bouquet.
As Georing takes his seat, a waiter brings out a bountiful salad to him. Georing looks at it in horror.
Georing: The dressing… it’s balsamic! I’m going to starve in this place.
A Slim-fast Specialist hears the outburst and quickly approaches.
SS counselor: Is the food not to your liking heir Georing? I can have a nice tofu platter brought out for you.
Georing: (pales) N-No… this is quite fine. T-Thank you…
The SS counselor shrugs and leaves letting Georing bet back to his meager meal. He finishes quickly, inhaling his portions and still feeling empty inside. As his hunger pains grow Georing takes his empty plate and timidly approaches a SS counselor serving out food. He holds out his empty plate
Georing: May I please have some more, sir?
SS counselor: I’m sorry, heir Georing but you are only allowed your daily allotment, no more, no less.. We’re here to help you manage your weight and make you healthier than you were before. You need to stick with your diet and limit the food you eat. The counselor walks off leaving Georing to his starving misery.
Georing: Damn Nazi.
Seated around the grand table of the Kremlin’s war room, the German high command sits enjoying the calm in the bloody Russian campaigned. Hitler sits at the head of the table, his eyes intent on the glowing computer monitor as he runs the latest Hearts of Iron war simulation. Ribbentrop is on his right going over his papers while Admiral Raeder and field marshals, Rommel, Guderian and von Kluge look to their maps outlining the next offensive that the German war machine will take.
Ribbentrop: How is the latest simulation going mein fuhrer?
Hitler: Quite well actually. As Cuba I’ve managed to annex Hattie! Those Haitians really put up quite a fight. Even tried launching an amphibious assault with their boat people. Anyway let’s get this meeting started. (he takes out the HOI cd from the computer, checks it for scratches and fondly puts in into his coat pocket)
Hitler: Guderian, what do you have for me? With Stalin gone, the German rule of Russia is an inevitability.
Guderian: Yes mein Fuhrer. The trouble lies in convincing the 150 or so left Russian divisions about that. The good news is that they are spread out through out the whole of the country. It is doubtful that the Russian military will ever be able to organize enough strength again to challenge us. They are broken.
Hitler: Excellent… All that’s left then is bringing this miserable excuse of an evil empire into line. Rommel, Guderian!
Rommel/Guderian: Yes mein Fuhrer.
Hitler: Make Russian independence as extinct as the Dodo!
Weary looks pass on the faces of the hardened field marshals but they know their duty and answer confidently.
Rommel/Guderian: It shall be done mein Fuhrer.
Von Kluge: Gosh it’s really a long way to Vladavostock. You guys ought to take the train to get there, unless you like slogging through the frozen wilderness for the fun of it.
Rommel: I’ll talk to my travel agent and get us tickets for the Trans Siberian railroad, Guderian.
Guderian: Can I use the points on my credit card? This counts as a business trip right?
Rommel: Don’t know. I’ll ask though. Lets see… That makes you, me, and 40 divisions of the German armored corps. I hope we can get a group rate or something.
Hitler: Bah! Enough with the details. Just go there, look around a little and kick some ass! Ribbi what else is happening around the world?
Ribbentrop: Aside from us conquering it, nothing much. The British have either grown board of throwing amphibious assaults at Lilly and Gibraltar or they’ve just run out of idiots stupid enough to do it.
Ribbentrop: Our Japanese allies have finally made a push into French controlled Siam and that steady stream of hate mail from Charles De Gaulle has gone to a trickle. TheFrench residence is at it’s breaking point. Every able-bodied man has been called to fight. From the young and old, to doctors and street bums. Even their skilled entertainers. I hear that they have formed a division made up entirely of mimes.
Hitler: My god! They’re sending in the clowns!
Von Kluge: (scratching his head in thought) If a mime is shot in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Guderian: No, if it’s a headshot.
Ribbentrop: In continuing, Italy has mad some good headway in Africa finally engaging South African troops on their own soil. The battle has been bloody on both sides. I suggest we send them an expeditionary force or two to break the deadlock.
Hitler: That’s what allies are for. We’ll loan them some rent-a-tank divisions. That should be enough. What about the Americans? Have they done anything useful lately?
Ribbentrop: They have troops landed on the Japanese mainland and enough planes station there to make a seagull think twice before taking off. But they haven’t advanced any farther as Japanese divisions have finally taken notice and garrisoned the rest of the home islands with troops. It’s a stalemate there.
Hitler: Good! We can’t have our allies the Japanese fall. Then we would never get any decent electronics or animated tentacle p0rnography.
Von kluge: Amen to that. (sees Rommel and Guderian looking at him) I er… meant about the electronics part. Honest.
Hitler: What’s the standing of our armies Rommel?
Romme: They are standing tall sir. We have fielded 82 divisions of advanced medium and improved heavy armor panzers supplemented by 24 more mechanized divisions. Our infantry strength is at 60 divisions strong with an additional 28 divisions of Special Forces consisting of mountain and paratrooper corps.
Hitler: That is something to shake a stick at. Now that Germany has a proper army I believe it is now time to turn to her navy. Let’s make some battleships!
Raeder: (who was leaning back in his chair taking a nap suddenly bolts up wide awake) W-What? Huh? Did I hear somebody say something about battleships?
Hitler: Yes! I want 4 new ships of the line and a dozen more cruisers and destroyers as support built!
Reader: (not believing what he’s hearing.) I woke up right? I’m not having some wet dream right now am I?
Hitler: We’ve go ICs to burn and it’s time to show the British that Germans can swim too. Now, for the air force. How are our planes doing, Georing? Georing? (Looks down the table and see the air Marshal missing) Oh, that’s right, I sent old Hermi to…
Shady Pines Fat Camp February 1943
It’s another cheery day at the fat camp with the rotund camp residents lining up for their noon meal. Georing looking chubby as ever waits on line with everyone else drooling at the prospect of food.
The residents are shuffled down through the mess hall where they are seated and their daily allotment of food is served out to them by cheery busboys and waiters. The meal for the day is a nice garden salad, followed by a rich tomato soup with the main course consisting of some lean prime rib, steamed greens and a baked potato. The house wine is a 1928 merlot with a fruity bouquet.
As Georing takes his seat, a waiter brings out a bountiful salad to him. Georing looks at it in horror.
Georing: The dressing… it’s balsamic! I’m going to starve in this place.
A Slim-fast Specialist hears the outburst and quickly approaches.
SS counselor: Is the food not to your liking heir Georing? I can have a nice tofu platter brought out for you.
Georing: (pales) N-No… this is quite fine. T-Thank you…
The SS counselor shrugs and leaves letting Georing bet back to his meager meal. He finishes quickly, inhaling his portions and still feeling empty inside. As his hunger pains grow Georing takes his empty plate and timidly approaches a SS counselor serving out food. He holds out his empty plate
Georing: May I please have some more, sir?
SS counselor: I’m sorry, heir Georing but you are only allowed your daily allotment, no more, no less.. We’re here to help you manage your weight and make you healthier than you were before. You need to stick with your diet and limit the food you eat. The counselor walks off leaving Georing to his starving misery.
Georing: Damn Nazi.
:rofl: nice to see that its still as funny as ever! I eagerly await the day when the Germans attack Washington, perhaps a camio by Dubya? (if its not too ahistorical )
I eagerly await the day when the Germans attack Washington, perhaps a camio by Dubya? (if its not too ahistorical )
Shady Pines Fat Camp June 1943
Out in the court yard of the camp grounds, cries of anguish can be heard as a poor inmate is found on the receiving end of a SS counselor’s punishment. Georing sweating and breathing heavily lies helplessly on the ground as other inmates look on in sympathy.
Georing: Please, no more. I beg of you! (he looks up pleading to the SS counselor standing over him on the verge of tears.)
SS counselor: (looks at the pudgy air marshal exasperatedly) You’re not going anywhere until you do at lease on sit-up properly. Come on now, just try reaching for your toes.
Georing: Touch them? I can't even seem them!! Why are you torturing me like this? What have I done to deserve such cruelty? (begins to weep) I want my mommy!
The Slim-fast Specialist sighs trying to think of what to do next. Another counselor come up to them and taps Georing on the shoulder.
New SS counselor: Herr Georing, you have a visitor.
Georing: (looks up excitedly) Really? Woohoo! No more exercise for me today! (jumps up and skips to the visitors lodge)
The SS counselors watch him skip off.
SS counselor: Don’t you just wish you could harpoon him?
After clearing himself with the security guards there, Georing is led to the visitors room where he sees Ribbentrop there sitting at the table in the center of the room. The Guard nods to the two men and glances at the clock on the wall.
Guard: Only 30 minutes per visit sirs. (with that he leaves closing the door behind him)
Georing takes a seat facing Ribbentrop.
Georing: Ribbentrop, you got to get me out of here! I can’t survive in here! (there is a frantic tone to his voice)
Ribbentrop: Georing, you got yourself into this. Now slim yourself out. Besides even if I could pull some strings, the Funrer has been acting strange lately.
Georing: Strange? What do you mean strange?
Ribbentrop: He’s been Fuhrering less and less lately. Most of his time is taken up running those endless HOI simulations even into the wee hours of the night. And he plays the same music by Wagner over and over and over. When ever I ask him about it he says its part of his master plan to rule the world and he can’t say anymore because there could be spies everywhere. It’s like he turning into a mad man.
Georing: … (confused look)
Ribbentrop: I mean more mad.
Georing: Is that possible?
Ribbentrop: I don’t know. I think that rumble with Stalin might have fried his brain but maybe I’m just imagining things. Anyway here, I brought the stuff you asked for.
Ribbentrop open up his brief case and Georing’s mouth begins to drool as the diplomatic minister begins pulling out bratwurst, half a ham, some rich bread, sauerkraut an assortment of sweets and candy bars and tub of butter.
Georing: Food! (he dives upon the feast on the table and starts to stuff his mouth) You… munch… saved my… crunch… life Rebbentrop! Urp!
Ribbentrop: (shrugs) I figured I owed you for using up your stash from before. I used the last of the DI to bring Argentina and Portugal into the Axis. You just got to love that Drug Influence.
Georing: So what else has been going on, on the outside?
Ribbentrop: Well, Guderian and Rommel have been pushing hard across the Russian front. The Fuhrer has been adamant about annexing the Reds. Even turned down a peace proposal that the Russian high command offered, conceding most of the eastern front to us. But the Fuhrer said that he didn’t want peace in Russia. He wanted the whole of Russia in stead. Boy, were those Russian’s bitter.
Georing: (with his mouth full) Hey, that’s pretty good, pass the salt. (shovels more ham into his mouth)
Ribbentrop: (sighs) So are you going in inhale all that stuff at once?
Georing: No, I need to save stuff for later. I hear that they’re going to be serving a low fat tuna casserole for dinner. I can’t believe how they expect people to survive on a diet like that and their water isn’t even mineral water. It’s plain old tap water. Can you believe that? You got to get me out of this fat camp Ribbentrop. I think I’ve already started to lose pound. If I lose anymore I’ll end up dying in here!
Ribbentrop: (looks at Georing dubiously) Don’t you think you’re over reacting a little Georing?
Georing: Over reacting? Over reacting?!? They only gave me one serving of frozen yogurt for desert last night!!! Do you call that over reacting?!?!?
Ribbentrop: (rolls his eyes) Well, time’s up. You better start hiding all the food before the guards come. Can you hide everything under your shirt?
Georing: No, that’s no good. The counselors always search us before going back. The only way anybody ever sneaks anything in is by hiding it up their ass.
Ribbentrop: Eh???
Georing takes a large bratwurst and liberate coats it with a healthy glob of butter.
Georing: There that ought to make it slide in easier. Uuunnnggghhh!!!! Urrrrraaaaakkkkkk!!!! Errrrraaaaarrrrggggg!!! Man... pant... that... wheeze... was rough. Now for the ham…
Ribbentrop:
Out in the court yard of the camp grounds, cries of anguish can be heard as a poor inmate is found on the receiving end of a SS counselor’s punishment. Georing sweating and breathing heavily lies helplessly on the ground as other inmates look on in sympathy.
Georing: Please, no more. I beg of you! (he looks up pleading to the SS counselor standing over him on the verge of tears.)
SS counselor: (looks at the pudgy air marshal exasperatedly) You’re not going anywhere until you do at lease on sit-up properly. Come on now, just try reaching for your toes.
Georing: Touch them? I can't even seem them!! Why are you torturing me like this? What have I done to deserve such cruelty? (begins to weep) I want my mommy!
The Slim-fast Specialist sighs trying to think of what to do next. Another counselor come up to them and taps Georing on the shoulder.
New SS counselor: Herr Georing, you have a visitor.
Georing: (looks up excitedly) Really? Woohoo! No more exercise for me today! (jumps up and skips to the visitors lodge)
The SS counselors watch him skip off.
SS counselor: Don’t you just wish you could harpoon him?
After clearing himself with the security guards there, Georing is led to the visitors room where he sees Ribbentrop there sitting at the table in the center of the room. The Guard nods to the two men and glances at the clock on the wall.
Guard: Only 30 minutes per visit sirs. (with that he leaves closing the door behind him)
Georing takes a seat facing Ribbentrop.
Georing: Ribbentrop, you got to get me out of here! I can’t survive in here! (there is a frantic tone to his voice)
Ribbentrop: Georing, you got yourself into this. Now slim yourself out. Besides even if I could pull some strings, the Funrer has been acting strange lately.
Georing: Strange? What do you mean strange?
Ribbentrop: He’s been Fuhrering less and less lately. Most of his time is taken up running those endless HOI simulations even into the wee hours of the night. And he plays the same music by Wagner over and over and over. When ever I ask him about it he says its part of his master plan to rule the world and he can’t say anymore because there could be spies everywhere. It’s like he turning into a mad man.
Georing: … (confused look)
Ribbentrop: I mean more mad.
Georing: Is that possible?
Ribbentrop: I don’t know. I think that rumble with Stalin might have fried his brain but maybe I’m just imagining things. Anyway here, I brought the stuff you asked for.
Ribbentrop open up his brief case and Georing’s mouth begins to drool as the diplomatic minister begins pulling out bratwurst, half a ham, some rich bread, sauerkraut an assortment of sweets and candy bars and tub of butter.
Georing: Food! (he dives upon the feast on the table and starts to stuff his mouth) You… munch… saved my… crunch… life Rebbentrop! Urp!
Ribbentrop: (shrugs) I figured I owed you for using up your stash from before. I used the last of the DI to bring Argentina and Portugal into the Axis. You just got to love that Drug Influence.
Georing: So what else has been going on, on the outside?
Ribbentrop: Well, Guderian and Rommel have been pushing hard across the Russian front. The Fuhrer has been adamant about annexing the Reds. Even turned down a peace proposal that the Russian high command offered, conceding most of the eastern front to us. But the Fuhrer said that he didn’t want peace in Russia. He wanted the whole of Russia in stead. Boy, were those Russian’s bitter.
Georing: (with his mouth full) Hey, that’s pretty good, pass the salt. (shovels more ham into his mouth)
Ribbentrop: (sighs) So are you going in inhale all that stuff at once?
Georing: No, I need to save stuff for later. I hear that they’re going to be serving a low fat tuna casserole for dinner. I can’t believe how they expect people to survive on a diet like that and their water isn’t even mineral water. It’s plain old tap water. Can you believe that? You got to get me out of this fat camp Ribbentrop. I think I’ve already started to lose pound. If I lose anymore I’ll end up dying in here!
Ribbentrop: (looks at Georing dubiously) Don’t you think you’re over reacting a little Georing?
Georing: Over reacting? Over reacting?!? They only gave me one serving of frozen yogurt for desert last night!!! Do you call that over reacting?!?!?
Ribbentrop: (rolls his eyes) Well, time’s up. You better start hiding all the food before the guards come. Can you hide everything under your shirt?
Georing: No, that’s no good. The counselors always search us before going back. The only way anybody ever sneaks anything in is by hiding it up their ass.
Ribbentrop: Eh???
Georing takes a large bratwurst and liberate coats it with a healthy glob of butter.
Georing: There that ought to make it slide in easier. Uuunnnggghhh!!!! Urrrrraaaaakkkkkk!!!! Errrrraaaaarrrrggggg!!! Man... pant... that... wheeze... was rough. Now for the ham…
Ribbentrop:
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