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To: Everyone
This AAR is written in clean fun. My intent is not to offend one country or nationality, but to make fun of them all. I ask you all to indulge me in my satirical epic and enjoy if for what it is, hopefully a good laugh. So, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of the show.
From: Rustican
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The German RISK AAR
Berlin January 1936
It was a dark and stormy night. And in the hallowed halls of the great Reichstag a voice calls out over the thunder and the howling winds.
Hitler: Everyone get in here!!!
German officers come stumbling in to the office with Georing leading the rear. Heir Georing manages to get himself stuck in the doorway, but with the help of an aid shoving him from behind, finally manages to enter the Fuher’s private study.
Georing: Heil Hitler! (shouts with a salute)
Hitler: High five Hermi and have a seat! Well, now. I guess you all are wondering why I’ve called you here?
Rommel: (raises hand) Is it because someone’s been caught with sauerkraut in his lederhosen again?
Hitler: Er… no
Goering: Mmmm… sauerkraut…
Hitler: The reason I’ve called you here is to show you all my master plan for the future of Germany. Many a night I have stayed awake planning and strategizing the proper course we should take and now I can finally show you the fruits of my labor.
All eyes look intently at the mustached little man. With a flourish of his hands he pulled out a board from under his desk and unfolds it revealing a map of the world. At the bottom corner reads: (RISK by parker brothers.) He quickly sets up the pieces on the board designating the armies of the world. The staff look at each other worriedly.
von Kluge: Um.. mein fuhrer? What exactly is this?
Hitler: This my good general is the state of the art battle simulator that I have come up with to predicts our chances of winning the battles of the war. See, those pieces there are German divisions and those are the enemies. When the battle starts we roll dice to see who wins. Six’s are good. Ones are bad. To achieve total victory, Germany MUST ROLL SIXs!!!
Guderian: Um… what if the enemy rolls six’s too?
Hitler: Defender advantage. (mutters) But to offset that I have decided to concentrate Germany’s full industrial capacity toward research! Yes! With bigger dice we can’t possibly lose!
Guderian: Just to be on the safe side, can we research tanks too?
Hitler: Sure I don’t see why not.
Goering: And planes?
Hitler: Ok.
von Kluge: Don’t forget about the infantry. After the treaty of Versailles the best weapons we have are a pointy stick and harsh language.
Hitler: Fine, fine. Now—
Admeral Raeder: Um… how about the navy? We could really use some— (Hitler gives him the ‘look’) Ah… never mind. (Sits at the table and twiddles his thumbs. Everyone else in the room snickers)
Hitler: That’s it then! All production stops and resources are geared to research centering on bigger dice, tanks, planes and infantry! Ok the, let’s try this simulation out then. (shakes the dice and rolls)
Goering: Ha! Snake eyes!
Hitler: Shut up!
To: Everyone
This AAR is written in clean fun. My intent is not to offend one country or nationality, but to make fun of them all. I ask you all to indulge me in my satirical epic and enjoy if for what it is, hopefully a good laugh. So, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of the show.
From: Rustican
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The German RISK AAR
Berlin January 1936
It was a dark and stormy night. And in the hallowed halls of the great Reichstag a voice calls out over the thunder and the howling winds.
Hitler: Everyone get in here!!!
German officers come stumbling in to the office with Georing leading the rear. Heir Georing manages to get himself stuck in the doorway, but with the help of an aid shoving him from behind, finally manages to enter the Fuher’s private study.
Georing: Heil Hitler! (shouts with a salute)
Hitler: High five Hermi and have a seat! Well, now. I guess you all are wondering why I’ve called you here?
Rommel: (raises hand) Is it because someone’s been caught with sauerkraut in his lederhosen again?
Hitler: Er… no
Goering: Mmmm… sauerkraut…
Hitler: The reason I’ve called you here is to show you all my master plan for the future of Germany. Many a night I have stayed awake planning and strategizing the proper course we should take and now I can finally show you the fruits of my labor.
All eyes look intently at the mustached little man. With a flourish of his hands he pulled out a board from under his desk and unfolds it revealing a map of the world. At the bottom corner reads: (RISK by parker brothers.) He quickly sets up the pieces on the board designating the armies of the world. The staff look at each other worriedly.
von Kluge: Um.. mein fuhrer? What exactly is this?
Hitler: This my good general is the state of the art battle simulator that I have come up with to predicts our chances of winning the battles of the war. See, those pieces there are German divisions and those are the enemies. When the battle starts we roll dice to see who wins. Six’s are good. Ones are bad. To achieve total victory, Germany MUST ROLL SIXs!!!
Guderian: Um… what if the enemy rolls six’s too?
Hitler: Defender advantage. (mutters) But to offset that I have decided to concentrate Germany’s full industrial capacity toward research! Yes! With bigger dice we can’t possibly lose!
Guderian: Just to be on the safe side, can we research tanks too?
Hitler: Sure I don’t see why not.
Goering: And planes?
Hitler: Ok.
von Kluge: Don’t forget about the infantry. After the treaty of Versailles the best weapons we have are a pointy stick and harsh language.
Hitler: Fine, fine. Now—
Admeral Raeder: Um… how about the navy? We could really use some— (Hitler gives him the ‘look’) Ah… never mind. (Sits at the table and twiddles his thumbs. Everyone else in the room snickers)
Hitler: That’s it then! All production stops and resources are geared to research centering on bigger dice, tanks, planes and infantry! Ok the, let’s try this simulation out then. (shakes the dice and rolls)
Goering: Ha! Snake eyes!
Hitler: Shut up!
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