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Thread: The German RISK AAR

  1. #1

    Talking The German RISK AAR

    --------------------------------------------------------------
    To: Everyone

    This AAR is written in clean fun. My intent is not to offend one country or nationality, but to make fun of them all. I ask you all to indulge me in my satirical epic and enjoy if for what it is, hopefully a good laugh. So, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of the show.

    From: Rustican

    --------------------------------------------------------------

    The German RISK AAR

    Berlin January 1936

    It was a dark and stormy night. And in the hallowed halls of the great Reichstag a voice calls out over the thunder and the howling winds.

    Hitler: Everyone get in here!!!

    German officers come stumbling in to the office with Georing leading the rear. Heir Georing manages to get himself stuck in the doorway, but with the help of an aid shoving him from behind, finally manages to enter the Fuher’s private study.

    Georing: Heil Hitler! (shouts with a salute)

    Hitler: High five Hermi and have a seat! Well, now. I guess you all are wondering why I’ve called you here?

    Rommel: (raises hand) Is it because someone’s been caught with sauerkraut in his lederhosen again?

    Hitler: Er… no

    Goering: Mmmm… sauerkraut…

    Hitler: The reason I’ve called you here is to show you all my master plan for the future of Germany. Many a night I have stayed awake planning and strategizing the proper course we should take and now I can finally show you the fruits of my labor.

    All eyes look intently at the mustached little man. With a flourish of his hands he pulled out a board from under his desk and unfolds it revealing a map of the world. At the bottom corner reads: (RISK by parker brothers.) He quickly sets up the pieces on the board designating the armies of the world. The staff look at each other worriedly.

    von Kluge: Um.. mein fuhrer? What exactly is this?

    Hitler: This my good general is the state of the art battle simulator that I have come up with to predicts our chances of winning the battles of the war. See, those pieces there are German divisions and those are the enemies. When the battle starts we roll dice to see who wins. Six’s are good. Ones are bad. To achieve total victory, Germany MUST ROLL SIXs!!!

    Guderian: Um… what if the enemy rolls six’s too?

    Hitler: Defender advantage. (mutters) But to offset that I have decided to concentrate Germany’s full industrial capacity toward research! Yes! With bigger dice we can’t possibly lose!

    Guderian: Just to be on the safe side, can we research tanks too?

    Hitler: Sure I don’t see why not.

    Goering: And planes?

    Hitler: Ok.

    von Kluge: Don’t forget about the infantry. After the treaty of Versailles the best weapons we have are a pointy stick and harsh language.

    Hitler: Fine, fine. Now—

    Admeral Raeder: Um… how about the navy? We could really use some— (Hitler gives him the ‘look’) Ah… never mind. (Sits at the table and twiddles his thumbs. Everyone else in the room snickers)

    Hitler: That’s it then! All production stops and resources are geared to research centering on bigger dice, tanks, planes and infantry! Ok the, let’s try this simulation out then. (shakes the dice and rolls)

    Goering: Ha! Snake eyes!

    Hitler: Shut up!
    Last edited by Rustican; 23-03-2004 at 23:49.
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    The German RISK AAR

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  2. #2
    Berlin July 1936

    A well dressed man in coattails comes running down the halls of the Reichstag and barges through door of the Fuhrer’s private study.

    Ribbentrop: Mein Fuhrer there’s a civil war in Spain!

    The surprised mustached leader of Germany quickly hides something under his desk.

    Hitler: Don’t you know how to knock? You didn’t see anything did you?

    Ribbentrop: No, mein Fuhrer, I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again.

    Hitler: Uh… good. Now what’s this about Spain?

    Ribbentrop: Civil war sir. The fun peace loving Fascists are now fighting the oppressive, capitalistic, liberal government.

    Hitler: Gosh that doesn’t sound too good. Let’s send those Nationalists some flowers to help cheer them up. Edelweiss is my favorite you know. Hm… and I guess some guns and supplies won’t hurt either. Make it so!

    Ribbentrop: Heil Hitler! (They high five)


    Berlin April 1939

    Officers and staff are seated around the table looking at the RISK board in quiet debate.

    Guderian: You know, if we send our forces to South America and conquer it, we get two free armies each turn.

    von Manstein: No, we’re better off going for Australia. Not only do we get two free armies but also the only way the allies can invade is through Siam.

    Rommel: What about Africa?

    Guderian and von Manstein look at each other and snicker: Rookie.

    Guderian: Everyone knows that Africa is about just as hard to capture and hold as Asia.

    von Manstein: A total waste of resources to send our forces there. (says with a nod)

    Rommel: Oh… (looks downcast)

    Hitler: All right everyone let’s get things started. Let’s recap on everything that’s happened these past three years. Guderian, why don’t you start?

    Guderian: Well, the first on our new Panzer divisions are starting to make their way through the assembly line. (pulls out the designs and lays them out on the table) Here she is, Germany’s Advance Medium 70mm Tank the Panzer IV. Isn’t she a beauty?

    The room goes quiet with awe.

    Rommel: I just messed myself…

    von Manstein: That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. (Dabs the corner of his eyes with a handkerchief)

    Hitler: What a work of German engineering! It’s like reinventing the wheel, but with sloped armor and a cannon.

    Guderian: Yup, thanks to flogging our scientists day and night, we blazed through the tech tree to these babies. I already queued up 36 divisions for production, with Engineering Brigades.

    Hitler: Bless you my son! Who’s next? Kludge?

    von Kluge: Our Infantry divisions are up to snuff now with new artillery techs and doctrines. The new sub-machine guns shoot lots of bullets and make the neatest sound. Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat!!! (sprays the room with the imaginary stein in his hands) With the discovery of Nylon, my men are now all warm and fuzzy decked out in their winter gear so we don’t have to worry about the cold too much. Oh, I’ve also added 9 new mountaineering divisions to the build queue. They’ll definitely come in handy since tanks can't climb up mountains and regular infantry have a tendency of falling off the peaks when defenders are shooting at them.

    Hitler: Cool beans! Georing, what do you have to say for your self?

    Goering: Mmmm… beans. I mean, uh… Well We’ve upgraded our 7 pre war tac bombers to the new basic model giving them greater range and hitting power. And all our fighters have been updated to the new Basic MR fighters to defend our skys and do some ground support if need be. If I had a larger research budget we could have gone for Improved Tac bombers. But nooooo… Guderian had to have his stupid tanks.

    Guderian: Take that back! My tanks are not stupid! Planes are practically useless in HOI!

    Goering: Not if you use Improved Tac in stacks of 12 or larger! They’ll wipe out any army.

    Guderian: Yeah, but if they run into one measly fighter your pilots come running home to mommy!

    Hitler: Boys, boys. Let’s calm down a bit. Who’s next now, ah yes, Admiral Rader.

    Raeder: Well um seeing as my allocated budget for the navy was a big whopping goose egg, the German navy is as pathetic now as it was three years ago with the exception of the completion of a new battleship.

    Hitler: Gees, someone’s bitter.

    Raeder: Sir if the British or the Americans declare war on us, Germany will need a navy to defend her coast.

    Hitler: Raeder, Raeder, (shakes his head) Those British Limies are good in the water but put one on land and they’ll run like a Frenchman. An those American rednecks are so lazy that they’d more likely sit at home watching reality tv than deal with reality. In short, ignore their navies, cause they’ll be doing two things, jack and shi—

    Ribbentrop: Mein Fuhrur!

    Hitler: Yes, what?

    Ribbentrop: This is a PG AAR. We’ll have none of that harsh language affecting the minds of innocent young children.

    Hitler: But I’m evil. Can’t I use foul language? Even a little?

    Ribbentrop: Nope sorry. (shakes head)

    Hitler: (sighs) Ok then. So what do you have to report then Ribbi?

    Ribbentrop: (pulls out a list of papers) Well, France influenced Belgium. Then England influenced Belgium. Then Canada influenced Belgium.

    Georing: Gosh, that Belgium sure gets around.

    Hitler: Did Germany get to influence Belgium?

    Ribbentrop: No.

    Hitler: Slut!

    Ribbentrop: Austria has decided to join the Third Riche. Since they missed joining the Second Riche they felt left out they joined us. Besides, everyone knows that the Fourth Riche are just a bunch of sissies.

    Ribbentrop: Um… Czechoslovakia got tired of looking at their mountain provinces and gave them to us.

    Ribbentrop: And lastly. Nationalist Spain lost the civil war to Liberal Spain. Then the Russia couped them and the communists took over and Spain. Then Germany couped the communists and Spain is now back to being Fascist. The Spanish military is so confused that they’re running around surrendering to each other.

    Hitler: Excellent… What about Poland and Danzig?

    Ribbentrop: I’ve been trying damn hard to get her to give up her Danzig but she’s just one frigid country. I’ve tried sending flowers, chocolates even taking her out to a chick flick and dinner but she just won’t be influenced. Heck I even went through the trouble of calling her back the next day.

    Hitler: Ah, well… she’s a dog any way. Keep it up though and maybe you’ll get lucky. You could always try tickling her ass with a feather.


    Headline August 1939

    POLAND DECLARS WAR!!!

    Hitler: I take is she wasn’t into the feather thing eh?

    Ribbentrop: Nope.

    New Headline August 1939

    ENGLAND DECLARS WAR!!! FRANCE DECLARS WAR!!! AUSTRALIA DECLARS WAR!!! CANADA DECLARES WAR!!!

    Hitler: Ribbi?!?!?

    Ribbentrop: I sort of got carried away with the feather. Sorry.
    Last edited by Rustican; 18-03-2004 at 23:18.
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    The German RISK AAR

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  3. #3
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    Excellent

  4. #4
    Field Marshal

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    more.

  5. #5
    Field Marshal

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    Funny!
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  6. #6
    The Little Corporal Morpheus506's Avatar
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    Yes, very funny. In the words of Dan Cook, more!
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  7. #7
    Field Marshal Johnny Canuck's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Rustican

    Rommel: What about Africa?

    Guderian and von Manstein look at each other and snicker: Rookie.

    ROTFLOL! This is great stuff! I can't wait for the next part.
    "So little done, so much to do." - Cecil Rhodes on the Day of his Death, 1902

  8. #8
    Panamanian Frankie's Avatar

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    Your story has an instant fan here!
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  9. #9
    First Lieutenant Hotdog Fish's Avatar

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    Yay! Great AAR! I want more already!
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  10. #10
    Since you asked for it. Here's more!



    Berlin Late August 1939

    The whole German command staff watches with intent as they play out the latest war simulation. With the Allied declaration of war, each man now know that now is the time for serious strategizing and not the time for silly games.

    Hitler: Come on sixes!!! (shakes the dice in his hands and rolls) I got 3, 5,5! Ok your turn Hermi.

    Goering: Yes Mein Fuhrur! (shakes the dice in his hands and rolls) Hm… a 4 and a 5 for me.

    Hitler: Damn we each lose an army. (he goes over to the risk board and plucks off an army piece from each side. I can’t believe that it’s going to be a war of attrition against Poland of all countries.

    Goering: Mmmm… Poles.

    Hitler: Goering you’re starting to scare me. Anyway, have the scientists finished developing my bigger dice yet?

    Ribbentrop: (shakes head) Not yet sir. It’s a complicated process and they are running into many difficulties. Here’s their first prototype, its been a complete failure. (Pulls out a red ball haphazardly covered with white dots.) Whenever we roll it, we can’t tell what number comes up.

    Hitler: (sighs) Well then I guess we’ll have to do it the old fashioned way. Run them over with armor.

    Rommel, von Manstein, and Guderian all look to each other: Yes!

    Hitler: How many of those new armor divisions do we have ready, Guderian?

    Guderian: 10 are ready for service and two more are still having a racing stripe put on them.

    Hitler: Hm… That’s way too little. Ribbi, cut back on research and jack up production big time!

    Ribbentrop: Yes sir!

    He walks over to some slider bars and adjusts them accordingly. Immediately, scientists everywhere shed their lab coats and start machining parts for tanks.

    Hitler: (tapping his lips in thought) To fight the Poles, we’ll need to out smart them.

    Georing: shouldn’t be too hard. I mean, they are Polish.

    Hm… Ok I’ve made up my mind. Rommel, I’m placing you in charge of those 12 divisions of new armor.

    von Manstein, and Guderian: Aaawwww!

    Rommel: But mien furer, I lack the logistical, organizational and tactical skill to command 12 divisions efficiently. My command limit is 9!

    Hitler: We’ll have to do something about that I guess. (digs into his pocked and pulls out some oak leaves. Then pins them on Rommel’s shoulders.) There, you’re a field marshal now. How do you feel?

    Rommel: (blinks a few times) I’ve just had an epiphany! The knowledge of how to efficiently command more divisions has just entered my mind! In fact it’s actually spewing out of my mind making everyone else around me in a fifty-mile radius be able to command double the number of divisions. How is this possible? (looks amazed)

    Hitler: Uh… magic?

    von Manstein, and Guderian: Oh! Oh! We want to be field marshals too! (waves their hands wildly!)

    Hitler: (rolls his eyes) Fine, let me see if I have any oak leaves leftover.



    The German\Polish border October 1939

    A convoy of Panzers nosily rolls their way down the paved road. At the head of the column, Field Marshal Rommel sits atop of his comfortable copula enjoying the scenic countryside. In the distance a checkpoint comes into view. At the checkpoint a wide white line is painted on the ground with one side saying Germany and the other side has Poland written on it. The Panzers come to a halt as a Polish soldier comes out with a clipboard and pencil. Rommel hops off his tank to greet him.

    Rommel: Hello there. (waves)

    Polish soldier: Hi. Welcome to the Polish\German border. I take it your planning to cross through?

    Rommel: Yup!

    Polish soldier: Well, I can’t let you through till I check your papers first, sir.

    Rommel: Oh, quite right. Papers… papers.. where did I put them. (Pats himself down) Oh, here they are. (Hands them to the soldier.)

    The young man takes them and looks them over.

    Polish soldier: So ah… Mr. Rommel what brings you to Poland? Vacationing or on business?

    Rommel: Well, mostly business, but if things go well I’m planning on becoming a permanent resident.

    Polish Soldier: Really? That’s wonderful. Poland is a beautiful country. Here, why don’t you take this tourist brochure, It points out places of interest within the country. (hands Rommel the brochure)

    Rommel: What are those blue dots on the map?

    Polish Soldier: Those are shops and restaurants and hostels you can stay at.

    Rommel: And uh the red ones?

    Polish Soldier: Military instillations and Polish troop positions, but most tourists don’t seem to be really interested in that sort of stuff.

    Rommel: You don’t mind if I take a few more of these do you?

    Polish Soldier: Sure go ahead, we have plenty. You’re sure to meet many friendly people in the country too. Poland is really a nice place to visit though I still don’t understand why we get stereotyped as idiots though. (shakes his head sadly)

    Rommel: Well it could be worse. You could be Swedish.

    Polish Soldier: Yeah, thank God for small miracles. Well your papers seem to be in order.

    Rommel: Great so can we pass then?

    Polish soldier: I’ll have to inspect your vehicle first. To make sure you’re not carrying and plants, fruits or vegetables. Customs you know. (walks over to the Panzer and looks it over) My, that’s quite some car you have there.

    Rommel: (sweats) Um… it’s the new Volkswagen ah… SUV you know, sport utility vehicle?

    Polish Soldier: Really? Wow! You German’s sure know how to build them. And I thought it was only the Americans that liked driving around in huge gas guzzling cars. I was thinking about getting an SUV but my wife insisted on a minivan instead.

    Rommel: Bah! Women drivers. Wouldn’t know how to drive a tank… er… SUV to begin with.

    Polish Soldier: Aint’ it the truth.

    The two men laugh.

    Polish Soldier: Well I don’t think I need to check anything else. You seem a nice enough fellow. Go on through the checkpoint and welcome to Poland.

    Rommel: Thanks! (breaths a sigh of relief as he takes back his papers He climbs back up onto his Panzer and signals to the column to move out.

    Polish soldier: Have a nice trip! (waves as the tanks pass by)

    Rommel: (grins to himself) Rommel, you sly fox you!
    Last edited by Rustican; 18-03-2004 at 23:23.
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  11. #11
    I can have a custom title?
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    Originally posted by Rustican
    Rommel: What about Africa?

    Guderian and von Manstein look at each other and snicker: Rookie.
    I played a game of RISK recently and I got stuck with Africa. I didn't last too long... Every time I conquered all of it, someone on one of my dozen borders kept attacking me. Pretty soon they had 10 armies in North Africa and I had about 10 armies spread out over the other 5 territories. Oh well, back to HoI!
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  12. #12
    i sure like this one... more
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  13. #13
    Berlin December 1939

    The familiar clatter of dice is heard against the RISK game board.

    Georing: Yes! Double sixes!!!

    Hitler: Suffering sauerkraut! How the hell can the vaunted Wehrmacht just lose 10 divisions against two divisions, of surrounded and ill equipped Polish infantry!?! (disgustedly throws his dice across the room hitting Ribbentrop in the back of the head.)

    Ribbentrop: Ow!

    Hitler: Sorry Ribbi. (frowns looking at the game board.)

    von Kluge looks over his shoulder rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

    von Kluge: Hm… Looks like Russia’s controlling a majority of Asia. It will be a pretty bad situation there if they manage to control all of it. They get seven extra armies each turn if they do.

    Guderian: It will never happen. Too many people end up messing around in Asia. Its just too big to control out right. You’re better off going for the smaller continents like South America or Australia.

    von Manstein: North America is viable too if you have a good start. Only three territories to defend at. Mexico, Alaska and Greenland. And you get 5 armies per turn as a bonus.

    Hitler: Thank God the United States is staying Neutral. Technically they already control North America, what with Mexico actually being the unspoken 51st state and Canadian independence just being a myth. If the US actually got into the war they’d stop producing consumer goods and crank out those 5 bonus armies per turn we’d be in real trouble.

    Ribbentrop: Ah, but American’s will be Americans. Everything is just fine and dandy just as long as they have their MTV, low gas prices and Pokemon cards.

    Georing: Amen.

    Hitler: Hey Ribbi do we have any word yet on how our boy Rommel is doing?

    Ribbentrop: Well, (digs into his coat pocket and pulls out a post card. On the front of the card is Rommel standing in front of his Panzer waving. The background is a road sign reading 100 km to Warsaw) Actually this just came in today.

    Hitler: Excellent! Why don’t you read it to everyone then.

    Rommel’s letter:

    Dear Everyone,

    The invasion had been lots of fun! My men and I have been rampaging across the Polish countryside with little residence though there have been some encounters between us and the Polish army.

    The most dangerous engagement we have had up to date was when we were ambushed by eight divisions of Polish infantry while crossing into Torun. We were met with a hail of gun fire followed by a barrage of grenades thrown in our direction. Luckily my men were able to pull the pins out and throw the grenades back with out much trouble.

    The rest of the army is advancing along the Polish front and hopefully Germany will have a new backyard by the time Christmas comes around.

    Best wishes,

    Field Marshal Rommel


    Hitler: That’s my boy! (slaps his hand on his knee)

    Georing: Gosh, that’s nothing like what the simulation predicted. (scratching his head confused)

    Ribbentrop: Really? (Coming up to look at the RISK board.) What does the simulation say.

    Georing: Well, according to this, we should all be speaking Polish right now and Peru just conquered all of North and South America.

    von Manstein: Just goes to show that you can’t underestimate those feisty Peruans.

    Hitler: Damn useless dice… (mutters) We need a better simulation! Ribbi, tell our scientists to develop a more accurate model!

    Ribbentrop: It shall be done, mein Furer!
    Last edited by Rustican; 01-08-2003 at 20:42.
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  14. #14
    The Little Corporal Morpheus506's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Rustican

    Hitler: Damn useless dice… (mutters) We need a better simulation! Ribbi, tell our scientists to develop a more accurate model!
    What's it going to be, Hearts of Iron?
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  15. #15
    I can have a custom title?
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    You must stop this wonderful AAR before I hurt myself from laughing too hard!

    What am I saying?! Don't stop, keep going!!
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  16. #16

    Thumbs up

    I love this one! Very funny!

  17. #17
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    Originally posted by Morpheus506
    What's it going to be, Hearts of Iron?
    I don't think so. For HOI they'd first need late war analysis gold doctrines

    The next step will probably be Battle for Karellia, better known as Axis & Allies
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  18. #18
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    ^cool 13,000 post

  19. #19
    Old Boy irishpony's Avatar
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    1303rd post all right

  20. #20
    Field Marshal

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    Risk players have started a vendetta against you.

    But not me! The Polish soldier incident was pretty! I almost wet myself!

    *almost*
    The thing is, whatever you do, never listen to Alexandru's advice (Velko)
    I like it how your advice on these topics alternates from brilliant to suicidal (Alexander Seil)
    I like to think of Alexandru as more of a creepy old Romanian pervert spying on 17 year olds (Mordhiem)
    This is quite possibly the most wrong thing I've read on this forum, and that includes the occasional calls for brutal eugenetic pogroms that crop up from time to time (The Patrician)
    We will glorify war -the world's only hygiene - militarism, patriotism, the destructive gesture of freedom-bringers, beautiful ideas worth dying for, and scorn for woman. (The Futurist Manifesto)


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